Divorce, Custody, and Adoption Issue

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Hello everyone,

I am happy to be here. I pray that the Lord will bring me into full communion with the Catholic Church soon. I wish to ask people for their wisdom concerning an issue I am having with my son, who is just about 5 years old. Back in 2005 I got married in a baptist Church, and we had a baby together in 2008. It was my son. In 2009, my wife left me and we got divorced, and she went to go live half a state away. I begged her to stay but she was not willing. After some months, I received full time with my son and from 1 years old onward, I took care of him myself as a single father. He never saw his biological mother for a very long time, and even if I visited, he did not know who she was. I got remarried in 2012 to the woman who I met in 2010 and who helped me take care of my son, and I am now married to her, and she adopted my son. We had to get the permission of the biological mother and for her to voluntarily cease all her rights to the child. It hurt he deeply but she knew it had to be done. After my ex-wife left me, she dived into drugs, clubbing, dating not-so-good guys, and eventually wound up in jail with felony charges of Cocaine possession, going through drug court, and was arrested two more times after this. To this day, I have visited her with my son and my son does not know who she is. Since I have married my new wife, my son views her as his real mother. He is going to be 5 soon. His biological mother is out of jail and is in a new relationship, she claims to have now found God, but she was arrested just a month ago. She has a pattern of falling out of commitments. She wants to visit my son sometimes.

Right now we have a strong family. My wife is pregnant with a boy, and my son thinks my wife is his mother and the soon-to-be-born baby is his brother. How should I go about telling him that my wife is not his real mother and how should I regulate contact with his biological mother?

In my present state of wisdom, I have been under the conviction, that out of the best interest for my son, I should delay him from knowing and meeting his real mother. She has already ceased her rights and allowed him to be adopted. She cannot just come back into his life as if nothing happened. She really did disown him and abandoned him when after we got divorced. Any thoughts?
 
First though, tell your son ASAP that your wife is not his real mother. The later he finds out the worse. Also, he will wonder ‘what else has daddy been keeping from me all these years’. Tell him before he is lead on any longer.

As for his biological mom. CEASE all contact. It is NOT good for a small child to have 2 mommies like this. (Ie on actually gave up her rights so there is no need for him to see her). If he asks who the his mom is, give a first name only. When he is 18 then you can introduce them

ANgie
 
Yes I agree in part.

I was thinking of telling him now in this way, since he is technically still 4, that some children have mommies when the mommy carries the baby and gives birth, and other children have mommies who take a child from another person who carried the baby. Just to introduce the idea that my wife did not carry him and is a different kind of “mother”.

Now if you are insisting that he no longer view her as his mother or that he should not call her “mom”, I disagree, because she has been the one to take care of him since he was a baby.
 
I totally agree he should continue to call her mom. However, I do NOT think he should see his biological mom until he is 18
 
I had a similar situation with one of my children. I suggest you let your son grow up knowing the mother that is raising him as his one and only mother. You’ll know his personality best and recognize when he is mature and secure enough to handle the all the facts. Focus on building strong relationships in the family you have until then.
And pray for his biological mother.
 
I think you should raise your son in the knowledge that his mom is his second mother. Explain gently (adding age-appropriate details as he grows) that his first mother wasn’t able to take care of him and loved him so much that she let another woman be his mother. I would stay away from terms like “real” mother; they are not typically helpful and can be offensive.

Open adoptions (contact between child and birth parents) are typically better in the long run, but are not always possible. You definitely shouldn’t let your son grow up without knowing what his biological heritage is.

Does contact with his biological mother stress your son out? You should make decisions about whether to let them meet based on what you think is best for him. If at any point he wants to meet her, you should support him in that (even if he is not 18).
 
God_Seeker said:
Hello everyone,

I am happy to be here. I pray that the Lord will bring me into full communion with the Catholic Church soon.

To this day, I have visited her with my son and my son does not know who she is. Since I have married my new wife, my son views her as his real mother. He is going to be 5 soon. She wants to visit my son sometimes.

Right now we have a strong family. My wife is pregnant with a boy, and my son thinks my wife is his mother and the soon-to-be-born baby is his brother. How should I go about telling him that my wife is not his real mother and how should I regulate contact with his biological mother?

In my present state of wisdom, I have been under the conviction, that out of the best interest for my son, I should delay him from knowing and meeting his real mother. Any thoughts?
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Congratulations on your journey with the Church.

Congratulations on how well you have been able to take care of your precious son throughout the trials of his mother’s poor choices.

I will base part of my answer on my son who is your son’s age - and if this was his story - my son would not be able to understand about his adopted mom not being mom and another lady being mom.

Children develop at different rates and maybe your son can understand now.

You might talk with your son’s pediatrician on how to handle this. They may refer you to someone else who works in this department.

I have many friends who have adopted children. They know they are adopted.

Your story is different than my friends’. These children do not live with any biological parent.

My concern based on thinking how would my son react - might be that it would be hard for him to hear “Mommy isn’t Mommy but she is Mommy to the new baby.”

Your wife IS your son’s mother. She IS his real mother.

I say this based on my friends who ARE the real mothers to their children - children whom they adopted. (Not biological - but the REAL mother.)

I think a professional person working with you and your wife will offer the best advice for you on how and when to share with him the facts of his biological mother.

When the time is right one way of sharing is “you were born in Mommy’s heart and brother was born in Mommy’s tummy. You both are Mommy’s little boys and Mommy loves you both.”

Later you might add “You were born in another Mommy’s tummy but she couldn’t take care of you so she let Mommy be your Forever Mommy.” (That could be so hard for some children as now they are afraid Forever Mommy and Daddy may leave. - Professional advice is better than mine.)

There are many books on adoption. You may even want to look into support groups for adoptive families. It will let your child see he is like the other children who were adoptive.

Congratulations on your growing and wonderful family. Ask St. Joseph to be your patron saint on this journey. His son was not his biological son either.
 
For all intents and purposes your present wife is his real mommy. However, like any child that is adopted by a parent, they should know from an early age that although mommy didn’t carry him in her belly like his little brother (yes, he will still be his brother regardless), it doesn’t mean that she loves him any less. At 4 years it’s too early to get into the heavy discussions…The discussion will grow as he grows up. In the meantime, the foundation for honesty in this matter needs to be set before it has the potential to hurt him in the future. Right now, I think that it would be wise if you pray for his biological mother with him, but hold off communication until you have solid evidence that she is in a much better place with her commitments to better herself.
 
Wandering_Heart said:
Does contact with his biological mother stress your son out? You should make decisions about whether to let them meet based on what you think is best for him. If at any point he wants to meet her, you should support him in that (even if he is not 18).
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I just want to offer one though on this. My brother was adopted and I wasn’t. I think if I had to watch him go spend time with his other mommy, it would have caused jealousy. I also would have ‘used it’ against him ‘Yeah, well our mom isn’t really your mom’. Since he never has had contact with his biological mom, my mother was able to really establish we were equally her kids.
 
I just want to caution that redemption is possible in your ex-wife’s case. She undoubtedly has some issues, but I’m sure loves that boy very much. As of right now, if you feel she is not in a position to have contact with your son, you know best! If you do notice that she has made a sustained effort to better herself, it probably wouldn’t hurt to have her over for an occasional visit or maybe a public place.
 
I have a cousin who was adopted as a baby (9 months old) and the church her parents (my aunt and uncle) went to had a special way to “celebrate” birthdays. This was/is a Baptist church. Anyway, people with birthdays were invited to go to the front and put a bit of money in a church shaped “piggy” bank. I’m not sure what this money was used for. But, for my cousin, from the beginning, they had her do birthday and adoption day. Her parents, I mean. I was there one time when this took place. She had gone forward, and the minister commented on it, so this was explained. Briefly. Just let your son know that he is loved. He may have another “mommy” out there, but the one who is caring for him is his “real” mommy. Maybe you can refer to her as his “first” mommy. She had some problems and couldn’t take care of him, and she loved him enough to let him live with you and this mommy. As he gets older, let him know that when he is old enough, and if he is willing and all that, he can see her. Let that door remain open. But, again, as appropriately as possible, let him know why she couldn’t take care of him. He doesn’t need all this explained to him right now. And I think it’s entirely appropriate to let him think that this new baby is his sibling. After all, they will share the same dad, right? I could go on and on about this. Just talk to him in a manner that is appropriate to his age and maturity.🙂
 
Tell him the truth about his mom being his mom but that SHE adopted him. There are plenty of books about adoption to help you with this (and she should be a part of this conversation). Do not hide this fact because as others have said, you WILL do more damage in the long run if you don’t.

In regards to his biological mother, you and your wife should meet with her to asses how to proceed (maybe start with photos of him and a letter every few months updating her on what his life is like). And see what comes of that (if she responds well to those exchanges for a few years then move to face-to-face meeting if she has proven her life is healthy).

By the time he is school age he will know others who have step-parents, are adopted and in open adoptions, etc. so it will be easier for him to understand the situation better and he’ll be in a position to ask you more questions. If you hide this you will deal with a whole host of problems down the road you could have easily avoided.

My expertise? I’m an adoptee who was told for as long as I can remember (from the closed adoption era), then at 7 my parents divorced at 9 my dad remarried (my mom remarried at 15) and now I’m in reunion with my biological families
 
I can only offer observation, experience and prayers. I am no professional.

All our children are adopted. They have been raised knowing that. It has been our experience and observation that it is critical they understand that as soon as they can. We have witnessed families where the adoption was hidden until much later in the child’s life and it was emotionally difficult for them to deal with when it was revealed. It think it’s the fact of total trust children have of their parents and then have something like this dropped on them later in life is difficult to digest at best.

Our children know we are “mom and dad”. They understand another woman carried them in their tummies. We pray for their birth mothers as well and talk (now at this age) of the love the birth mothers had for them to give them up for a better life. I understand this is a different situation.

I humbly disagree with the statement an early poster said about open adoptions (our children’s are closed). I am not saying totally alienate the birth mother, but I honestly struggle with the degree of “openess” in adoptions in this country. I feel marriages, families, etc are difficult enough in today’s society without introducing multiple fathers and mothers into the equation. We see it all the time with our kid’s friends in school with divorce especially, how children end up going to sometimes 4 different Christmas’ because of the muliple iterations of mothers and fathers. That’s gotta be tough on a kid. I am a firm believer of it doesn’t take a village to raise a kid…it takes a committed mother and father!

The last paragraph was purely my opinion. Please pray on it. I will be praying for the hand of God to guide you.
 
Saturn5 said:
I humbly disagree with the statement an early poster said about open adoptions (our children’s are closed). I am not saying totally alienate the birth mother, but I honestly struggle with the degree of “openess” in adoptions in this country. I feel marriages, families, etc are difficult enough in today’s society without introducing multiple fathers and mothers into the equation. We see it all the time with our kid’s friends in school with divorce especially, how children end up going to sometimes 4 different Christmas’ because of the muliple iterations of mothers and fathers. That’s gotta be tough on a kid. I am a firm believer of it doesn’t take a village to raise a kid…it takes a committed mother and father!
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As the one who talked about it being open eventually if they see fit (if biological mother has proven over a very long period of time that she indeed has changed for the better) I agree that holidays and such should only be for the mom and dad and their families. However, if, in time you feel that her life has changed then there is nothing wrong with meeting in a public place 2 -3 times per year for interaction. In his teen years this would probably not happen as much due to the fact that teens get caught up in their busy lives. But again, you and your wife should establish the initial contact and only begin with exchanging letters if you decide to proceed with seeing if she has truly changed and opening up the possibility for your son to know her down the road when he is older.

And again, my perspective is that of an adoptee who was raised in a closed adoption and now in reunion with my biological families. I know that some adoptive parents may not like my perspective but it should be weighed as one who has had to live the reality of being adopted and all the confusion that comes with that.
 
Thank you,

Let me (name removed by moderator)ut some more background information. The biological mother grew up adopted herself and has only seen her biological father twice in her life, and it was in her late teens. She has no bond or fond memory, and it has not effected her in the least bit. The father who adopted her was married to the biological mother but soon got divorced, but she still considers her step dad her real dad. She grew up in a very bad family environment, involved with men and drugs and crime. She has a conversion experience at. 18 and that’s when I married her. 5 years after that she went back into the same old sinful life just 100 times harder. She has been in and out of relationships. She was arrested just a month ago about, is out now and in another relationship with another felon, and she is now claiming she found God. She is still in process of graduating drug court.

I am also curious to the very nature of adoption and what this means for the relationship with the biological mother. I hear some people tell me ‘‘you can never take away a son from his real mother no matter what, that bond is too strong’’. And interleukin guilty by even limiting his meeting his biological mother. How much does adoption really sever the relationship between the child and his mother. Does he have an obligation from the commandment ‘‘honor your mother and father’’? To the biological mother? Does he have any obligation to her and do I have any obligation to put them together?
 
God_Seeker said:
Thank you,

Let me (name removed by moderator)ut some more background information. The biological mother grew up adopted herself and has only seen her biological father twice in her life, and it was in her late teens. She has no bond or fond memory, and it has not effected her in the least bit. The father who adopted her was married to the biological mother but soon got divorced, but she still considers her step dad her real dad. She grew up in a very bad family environment, involved with men and drugs and crime. She has a conversion experience at. 18 and that’s when I married her. 5 years after that she went back into the same old sinful life just 100 times harder. She has been in and out of relationships. She was arrested just a month ago about, is out now and in another relationship with another felon, and she is now claiming she found God. She is still in process of graduating drug court.

I am also curious to the very nature of adoption and what this means for the relationship with the biological mother. I hear some people tell me ‘‘you can never take away a son from his real mother no matter what, that bond is too strong’’. And interleukin guilty by even limiting his meeting his biological mother. How much does adoption really sever the relationship between the child and his mother. Does he have an obligation from the commandment ‘‘honor your mother and father’’? To the biological mother? Does he have any obligation to her and do I have any obligation to put them together?
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His mom is your wife. However, don’t hide the fact that a biological mother exists from him either but you don’t have to push a relationship between him and his bio-mother either. When he is old enough he can make up his mind on the type of relationship he will have with her if he chooses to have one at all. However, if he doesn’t know the truth he may very well rebel when he finds out (and that is something you WANT to avoid).

Also, I’d suggest you ask your questions at forums.adoption.com too. You’ll get a lot of perspectives there from some who were raised in a similar situation.
 
God_Seeker said:
she adopted my son.

Since I have married my new wife, my son views her as his real mother. He is going to be 5 soon. His biological mother is out of jail and is in a new relationship, she claims to have now found God, but she was arrested just a month ago. She has a pattern of falling out of commitments. She wants to visit my son sometimes.

Right now we have a strong family. My wife is pregnant with a boy, and my son thinks my wife is his mother and the soon-to-be-born baby is his brother. How should I go about telling him that my wife is not his real mother and how should I regulate contact with his biological mother?

In my present state of wisdom, I have been under the conviction, that out of the best interest for my son, I should delay him from knowing and meeting his real mother. She has already ceased her rights and allowed him to be adopted. She cannot just come back into his life as if nothing happened. She really did disown him and abandoned him when after we got divorced. Any thoughts?
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Ok. I was adopted as a 2 year old. My parents didn’t know the name of my natural mother or anything about her. (or so they said)

I found out that I was adopted in the first grade… long story short, one of the other kids in my class knew I was adopted and called me “an adopted brat.” I asked the teacher what adopted meant, she told me to ask my Mom and it went down hill from there. 😦

I cannot tell you how horrible it was to find out that (in my eyes as a small child) my Mom was not my mom and my real mom gave me away. I felt totally abandoned and orphaned.

As an adult I can see where this made a HUGE HUGE HUGE impact on my life and still clings to me today. This has affected every single relationship in my life since that day. It affected my relationship with my adopted mother and father all the rest of their lives.

While your story is different, you will need to let him know that he’s adopted. And, in my opinion, you need to do it so that he feels very special and very wanted and that he can love his natural mother as well as his adopted mom… but don’t lie either. While it may not be necessary for him to know and to meet her at this time in his life, he really should know about her FROM YOU. (and not from some child in the 1st grade… catch my drift?) You don’t need to go into details about why she’s in jail etc. and all the arrests etc. and the info you give him should be age appropriate.
 
I would say my situation is much different. For starters, I am his biological father. And I have been his mommy and daddy since day one, since his biological mother didn’t really take much care of him. My wife did come into his life early, and he does call her mom, but you can tell he prefers me, comes to me when hurt, hugs me first in the morning, if my wife picks him upbfrom school he asks where is daddy I want daddy. So there is already a sense of difference. Of course I am going to slowly introduce the fact he is adopted but he is 4, how much of the details can he even grasp.
 
God_Seeker said:
I would say my situation is much different. For starters, I am his biological father. And I have been his mommy and daddy since day one, since his biological mother didn’t really take much care of him. My wife did come into his life early, and he does call her mom, but you can tell he prefers me, comes to me when hurt, hugs me first in the morning, if my wife picks him upbfrom school he asks where is daddy I want daddy. So there is already a sense of difference. Of course I am going to slowly introduce the fact he is adopted but he is 4, how much of the details can he even grasp.
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He may grasp more than you realize. He may already know that he is not your wife’s biological son. I would tell him, and the date the adoption was finalized, I would celebrate as another “birthday” when he became your wife’s son.
 
God_Seeker said:
I would say my situation is much different. For starters, I am his biological father. And I have been his mommy and daddy since day one, since his biological mother didn’t really take much care of him. My wife did come into his life early, and he does call her mom, but you can tell he prefers me, comes to me when hurt, hugs me first in the morning, if my wife picks him upbfrom school he asks where is daddy I want daddy. So there is already a sense of difference. Of course I am going to slowly introduce the fact he is adopted but he is 4, how much of the details can he even grasp.
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Four years old is old enough to begin understanding the idea of adoption. You don’t have to give him the details, nor should you when he’s only 4, but you do need to begin introducing the idea now. He will find out, eventually, and it will do a lot of damage if he finds out from a classmate or an extended-family member rather than you.

You seem very nervous about this. May I suggest consulting an adoption professional (e.g. a SW)? They can help you to pick the words you use, how you frame the discussion, etc.
 
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