Divorce, Custody, and Adoption Issue

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Well, its not a simple issue. If I tell him he’s adopted, he will think that both myself and my wife adopted him, if its not understood correctly. In one sense he is not adopted. I was thinking of using visuals to explain the difference between myself and my wife, cor to just say ‘‘your adopted’’ seems a bit foolish to me.
 
God_Seeker said:
Well, its not a simple issue. If I tell him he’s adopted, he will think that both myself and my wife adopted him, if its not understood correctly. In one sense he is not adopted. I was thinking of using visuals to explain the difference between myself and my wife, cor to just say ‘‘your adopted’’ seems a bit foolish to me.
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How about, your first mother couldn’t take care of you nor be married to me so I we have been a team, you and I, since your birth and now your mom, who loves you, wanted t to make you hers son too and you became her son though you did not grow in her. And then tell him that you will be celebrating the day he became your wife’s son every year, like a second birthday. 👍 (and she should be there too).

Here’s a perfect poem she could read to him too:

Not Flesh of My Flesh

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.
— Unknown
 
I would word it similar to this: We are your mommy and daddy, but you were in another mommy’s belly. Daddy married mommy, and she wanted you to be her son. That’s appropriate for a four year old for now. As he gets older, you can add: Sometimes grown ups make poor choices, your biological mom made a bad decision. However, she loves you. Maybe we can pray for her. The key is to be honest, but keep it age appropriate.
 
God_Seeker said:
Well, its not a simple issue. If I tell him he’s adopted, he will think that both myself and my wife adopted him, if its not understood correctly. In one sense he is not adopted. I was thinking of using visuals to explain the difference between myself and my wife, cor to just say ‘‘your adopted’’ seems a bit foolish to me.
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No he won’t, you will tell him he is adopted by your wife, who is now his mother. Believe me a 4 year old can understand that.

Oddly, when I found out I was adopted, I never got upset much about my dad not being my biological dad, it was a Mom thing for me for the most part.

When I know someone is adopting (both parents not biological) a child who is young or newborn, I suggest that they tell that baby from the very second they talk to him/her about being adopted. My SIL and her DH adopted a baby and they told him from day one how special he was and that he was adopted… and it worked very well, he knew it from the time he could talk (he would tell people he was ‘dopted’ and that was a really special way to get a Mommy and Daddy) He grew up with a great relationship with his adoptive parents and is a very fine man with a good solid marriage and family.

I really think it’s important that your son know. Doesn’t he have questions about being in his Mom’s belly before he was born? My 2 year old had questions about that when I was pregnant with his brother.

Anyhow, I wish you all the best with your family and your new baby coming along. 🙂
 
gmarie21 said:
I would celebrate as another “birthday” when he became your wife’s son.
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As a non-adopted child with a brother who was adopted, I would NEVER celebrate another birthday. You will make your other son resent the older brother. Not to mention, you are playing up the fact that his mom adopted him is an unusual thing

I use to babysit a 5 year old who was forever telling me ‘I am adopted’. One day I asked him ‘What does that mean?’. He had NO idea. In a way, I think it was good he knew the correct word (even if he didn’t understand what it meant). That way, when it was used around him, he didn’t feel negative emotions
 
The situations are difficult, and the answer to these issues are entirely dependent on the details of the particular circumstances, including the personalities involved. I’ve know of several instances involving family breakups, adoptions, etc., and they have all been handled differently.

IMHO, based strictly on the age of the child, is best that the birth mother simply stay away. The child is way to young to be dealing with what is an adult situation (divorces, remarriage, adoption, etc.). You should have a heart-to-heart talk with the birth mother regarding this matter, and try to convince her of this.

I assume this issue could be forced if necessary, though that is the route of last resort. Since your current wife has adopted your son, I assume the birth mother has no legal rights to your son, though that’s an issue to take up with an attorney.

FWIW, I am an adoptive parent x2. When it comes to answering the kids questions, simply be up front about it. Just give the minimum amount of details appropriate to the age, and never speak ill about your ex (i.e., his birth mother).
 
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