Divorce, depression, loving again

[fowlerjk]

I am a recent convert from the Lutheran (and Baptist before that) church.

Married in 2005, joined the Catholic Church at Easter Vigil 2013 as my wife and I were drifting apart spiritually, and filed for divorce in October 2013. Coming from a Protestant background, I was not aware of the importance of not seeing anyone while the divorce is pending, and I met someone last month who I am very, very fond of. She has great interest in the Church and is attending Masses with me.

She is also a very understanding woman. Right now I’m struggling with a lot of divorce issues: losing 8 years of my life in a marriage I was never fully into, turning into someone my parents didn’t really recognize, building walls and compartmentalizing myself, etc, etc. We have a daughter (age 2.5) from the marriage and I’m also dealing with the guilt of turning her world upside down.

As I mentioned in the thread title, all of this is on top of depression & anxiety diagnosed since college.

I’m not even sure what I’m asking here. I understand that I have the opportunity to start a new life with someone who matches me very well and appears to see through all the insecurities I have about myself, and is very interested in walking alongside me in my faith. I’m having to deal with the guilt and self-doubt from the marriage & divorce first. Otherwise I’m bringing all that into a new relationship and it’s toxic.

It would be nice to know of different saints, prayers, and resources I can turn to in unpacking all this mental baggage, as well as in cultivating this new relationship that has such great promise.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Are you and your wife civilly divorced? A civil divorce does not permit you to date other women. You would need to talk to your priest about the possibility of receiving a decree of nullify if you have reason to believe your marriage was invalid. If your marriage was valid then you would not be permitted to date or marry again. Just wanted to make sure that you keep in mind that there is the possibility that your current marriage is valid and that you may never be able to pursue this new relationship. Moral issues aside, I don’t think it’s healthy to get into a new relationship when you’re still dealing with the pain of divorce.

 

[tawny]

You need to speak with a priest who will be able to give you correct quidance and direction with this situation. Praying for you.

 

[RosyAnne]

First, I recommend praying to the Holy Family each day for guidance, protection and intercession for you and your family.

My advice would be to avoid any new relationships right now until you are free to pursue one (meaning the Catholic Church recognizes that your first marriage is invalid or is annulled).

Keep in mind you are really vulnerable right now because of the current upheaval in your personal life and distracting yourself with someone new can bring a whole new set of problems and heartache for you, your daughter and this new woman. Distracting may seem coarse and harsh a word, but in effect that’s what a new relationship right now would be. I read somewhere that a new relationship within a year of an old one ceasing has an extremely high rate of failure, and a whopper of a failure at that. This is because the baggage from the previous relationship didn’t have a chance to get worked on or healed and rears its head at every chance.

I am no expert on any of this but am only sharing with you and trying to guide you as I would a good friend.

 

[TRH1292]

Is there any reason why your first marriage would not be valid?

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

I have to e blunt here.

You are the zombie creature of the dating world. Your past relationship (relationships???) have never lead you to learn sacrifice for the other. Before you are healing from one bad experience you are moving like a zombie ready to devour the next living thing you can in order to get satisfaction that is self serving.

Depression will continue to intensify until you turn to God to learn how to love. We learn first how to love God, the parents, then spouces, the children, then friends, and hopefully each other. When we focus on loving God (mutual giving and recieving) we are given a safe place to make mistakes and lead how to fix the mistakes (sacrament Reconcilliation). When we become more fluent in this, we can then take this to those we wrong (usually those closest to us) and tell them we biffed it and ask for a way to make it up (penance). Without practicing this simplest of skills, we will have a harder time reconcilliating with anyone (God and each other)