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lerapt78
Guest
I think a separation may do him well, at least temporarily. Has this been going on for a long time, or is it relatively recent behavior?
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silentfactor80
Guest
For awhile…about the last 3 years. He is just reaching his breaking point now. He said he would separate but doesn’t want to leave the kids.
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silentfactor80
Guest
Yeah he’s suggested that and usually ends up getting called the controlling type when he brings that up. I told him don’t even both trying to bring them into it because she is obviously choosing them over him anyway. If this goes to court you know what its going to look like when the man is saying to find new friends…not good for him.
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Evania
Guest
That’s true. I’m beginning to think he needs to issue some sort of ultimatum because it sounds like she’s heavily influenced by being around these negative women. She needs something to wake her up to see how badly the family is being damaged.
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silentfactor80
Guest
I spoke to my friend tonight and he is going to contact a lawyer to see what can be done. He said he isn’t doing anything unless the kids go with him though. Fat chance of that happening but worth a shot. 
Moments like these I realize why God blesses people with being single and unmarried…
Moments like these I realize why God blesses people with being single and unmarried…
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Evania
Guest
It may not be a fat chance. If she’s abusing and belittling him in front of the kids, he needs to document these episodes. Ultimately, I’m praying that she realizes what she’s doing and saves her family. Her friends sound toxic…I spoke to my friend tonight and he is going to contact a lawyer to see what can be done. He said he isn’t doing anything unless the kids go with him though. Fat chance of that happening but worth a shot.
Moments like these I realize why God blesses people with being single and unmarried…
Mary_Gail_36
New member
Are your friend and wife both Catholic?
If they are they should really see a priest, and possibly consider going to Retrovaille together. Even non Catholics can attend Retrovaille.
I’m sure those venues would be helpful before seeing a divorce lawyer and filing for divorce.
Greg Popcak has very good resources on marriage. Maybe get some of his books for your friend and his wife.
This is the website:
exceptionalmarriages.com/shop/default.asp
And do not forget prayer. Encourage your friend to pray for his wife, their marriage, their child.
And you can pray as well, keep your friend and his family in your prayer intentions.
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Bookcat
Guest
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silentfactor80
Guest
They are but she refuses to see anyone at this point. I think its like someone said earlier. She wants the marriage to end but too chicken to look like the bad one for filing for divorce.
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shipwrkd
Guest
Lets see if I understand what’s happening here. You have this friend who’s been married for 15 years and in the past three or so his wife has been abusive to him. People have given suggestions and opinions and you come up with a reason why the suggestion won’t work. As if your friend, and his wife were in the same room as you. Your awfully knowledgeable about your friends affairs. This, bundled with the three other threads you started regarding women who have been either abusive or sexist and the fact that they’ve been closed rather early gives me a bit of insight…
Excuse me if I allow the bait to pass without biting
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silentfactor80
Guest
I see what you are insinuating and it is rather pathetic. Did you ever think maybe the reason WHY I started those threads was because of what was going on with my friend??? I was clueless about these issues as anyone in the past. Instead you come here to throw barbs. Why did you even bother posting if you already think you know everything?Lets see if I understand what’s happening here. You have this friend who’s been married for 15 years and in the past three or so his wife has been abusive to him. People have given suggestions and opinions and you come up with a reason why the suggestion won’t work. As if your friend, and his wife were in the same room as you. Your awfully knowledgeable about your friends affairs. This, bundled with the three other threads you started regarding women who have been either abusive or sexist and the fact that they’ve been closed rather early gives me a bit of insight…
Excuse me if I allow the bait to pass without biting
I did not shoot down anyone’s suggest and passed each along to my friend. Some of the suggestions have been tried and I stated those. I have spent many many hours on the phone with this guy because no one else wants will even give him an ear. People often tell him his problems are no big deal, happens in every marriage. I take it you really don’t know what that is like and I hope you never do.
So yes, keep passing and keep your support for misandry to yourself too. Those forums got closed because some people couldn’t stay on topic and were more interested in talking about women’s issues as if we didn’t do enough of that in everyday life.
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lerapt78
Guest
Silentfactor80, it’s a bit difficult to advise your friend more specifically on how he should react, as we don’t know what his personality is like. Is he an emotionally sensitive guy? Is he the more non-confrontational sort? Does he have problems asserting himself?
If he does, the best thing for him to do would be to simply ignore her jibes, or even make fun of them by rolling his eyes every time she says something belittling. He could even pretend to laugh along, as if her comments are too ridiculous to even consider taking them seriously. If he’s the type to react in an emotional way, by showing that her barbs *hurt *him, it can kind of egg her on to continue if she sees she has emotional power over him.
If he’s the more assertive sort, he could start expressing his disappointment in her - not by telling her that she’s hurting him (because she’ll only blow it off) - but by comparing her behavior in the beginning phase of their marriage with her current one. He could say something like “These are the things that made me fall in love you: #1, #2, #3, etc., etc. - now I’m beginning to question my own judgment in whether I had married someone who was no different than any other girlfriend of mine.” Or, “I remember when you used to build me up - it made me want to be the man who would deserve you. Frankly, I’m wondering if my time is better spent on doing what makes *me *happy.”
Maybe this would force her to acknowledge that he can no longer see anything special about her; maybe it would engender a little humility in her to realize that she currently doesn’t stand above other women in his eyes and hence he no longer desires to treasure her.
Or is this is too passive-aggressive?
There are always better comebacks - but they’d be petty and spiteful.
If he does, the best thing for him to do would be to simply ignore her jibes, or even make fun of them by rolling his eyes every time she says something belittling. He could even pretend to laugh along, as if her comments are too ridiculous to even consider taking them seriously. If he’s the type to react in an emotional way, by showing that her barbs *hurt *him, it can kind of egg her on to continue if she sees she has emotional power over him.
If he’s the more assertive sort, he could start expressing his disappointment in her - not by telling her that she’s hurting him (because she’ll only blow it off) - but by comparing her behavior in the beginning phase of their marriage with her current one. He could say something like “These are the things that made me fall in love you: #1, #2, #3, etc., etc. - now I’m beginning to question my own judgment in whether I had married someone who was no different than any other girlfriend of mine.” Or, “I remember when you used to build me up - it made me want to be the man who would deserve you. Frankly, I’m wondering if my time is better spent on doing what makes *me *happy.”
Maybe this would force her to acknowledge that he can no longer see anything special about her; maybe it would engender a little humility in her to realize that she currently doesn’t stand above other women in his eyes and hence he no longer desires to treasure her.
Or is this is too passive-aggressive?
There are always better comebacks - but they’d be petty and spiteful.
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Sheadad
Guest
I realize I’ll probably get criticized for saying this but its my opinion only.
The only way to save this marriage is for your friend to give it right back to her. IN FRONT of the kids. Tough, every time. Tough to the point where she cries and whines and thinks he is a real jerk. Then when she even begins with the bull, he gives it back again and again.
Secondly, he will make a list of everything she says, every time she says it and makes a copy. Put the copy on the refridgerator for all to see. Let her know he has copies.
I know this is easier said than done, and it takes a whole lot of fortitude. It is actually the loving thing to do. It teaches the kids that a man deserves respect in his own home. She is being respected and loved because she is now being forced to behave appropriately towards her spouse. She wants to behave appropriately and respectfully, but needs to be corrected (like most of us at times.
The friends have continued because he has no control over his household. And by control I don’t mean lording it over the house - I mean loving strength, commanded by tough charity.
She won’t like it, she will resist at every step along the way. Mixing words or wishy washy behavior will give her more latitude and allow the behavior to continue and grow worse - as it has.
In the end - she will respect him, the marriage will grow into the mutual loving relationship it should be, and the kids will learn that dad doesn’t lay down for anyone. Otherwise, they’ll start in on him too and those kids he doesn’t want to leave are going to repeat the same disordered behavior.
The only way to save this marriage is for your friend to give it right back to her. IN FRONT of the kids. Tough, every time. Tough to the point where she cries and whines and thinks he is a real jerk. Then when she even begins with the bull, he gives it back again and again.
Secondly, he will make a list of everything she says, every time she says it and makes a copy. Put the copy on the refridgerator for all to see. Let her know he has copies.
I know this is easier said than done, and it takes a whole lot of fortitude. It is actually the loving thing to do. It teaches the kids that a man deserves respect in his own home. She is being respected and loved because she is now being forced to behave appropriately towards her spouse. She wants to behave appropriately and respectfully, but needs to be corrected (like most of us at times.
The friends have continued because he has no control over his household. And by control I don’t mean lording it over the house - I mean loving strength, commanded by tough charity.
She won’t like it, she will resist at every step along the way. Mixing words or wishy washy behavior will give her more latitude and allow the behavior to continue and grow worse - as it has.
In the end - she will respect him, the marriage will grow into the mutual loving relationship it should be, and the kids will learn that dad doesn’t lay down for anyone. Otherwise, they’ll start in on him too and those kids he doesn’t want to leave are going to repeat the same disordered behavior.
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silentfactor80
Guest
Good post! He’s a relatively assertive guy. I suggested he find some activities him and the kids can do minus her too.Silentfactor80, it’s a bit difficult to advise your friend more specifically on how he should react, as we don’t know what his personality is like. Is he an emotionally sensitive guy? Is he the more non-confrontational sort? Does he have problems asserting himself?
If he does, the best thing for him to do would be to simply ignore her jibes, or even make fun of them by rolling his eyes every time she says something belittling. He could even pretend to laugh along, as if her comments are too ridiculous to even consider taking them seriously. If he’s the type to react in an emotional way, by showing that her barbs *hurt *him, it can kind of egg her on to continue if she sees she has emotional power over him.
If he’s the more assertive sort, he could start expressing his disappointment in her - not by telling her that she’s hurting him (because she’ll only blow it off) - but by comparing her behavior in the beginning phase of their marriage with her current one. He could say something like “These are the things that made me fall in love you: #1, #2, #3, etc., etc. - now I’m beginning to question my own judgment in whether I had married someone who was no different than any other girlfriend of mine.” Or, “I remember when you used to build me up - it made me want to be the man who would deserve you. Frankly, I’m wondering if my time is better spent on doing what makes *me *happy.”
Maybe this would force her to acknowledge that he can no longer see anything special about her; maybe it would engender a little humility in her to realize that she currently doesn’t stand above other women in his eyes and hence he no longer desires to treasure her.
Or is this is too passive-aggressive?
There are always better comebacks - but they’d be petty and spiteful.
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silentfactor80
Guest
I like!I realize I’ll probably get criticized for saying this but its my opinion only.
The only way to save this marriage is for your friend to give it right back to her. IN FRONT of the kids. Tough, every time. Tough to the point where she cries and whines and thinks he is a real jerk. Then when she even begins with the bull, he gives it back again and again.
Secondly, he will make a list of everything she says, every time she says it and makes a copy. Put the copy on the refridgerator for all to see. Let her know he has copies.
I know this is easier said than done, and it takes a whole lot of fortitude. It is actually the loving thing to do. It teaches the kids that a man deserves respect in his own home. She is being respected and loved because she is now being forced to behave appropriately towards her spouse. She wants to behave appropriately and respectfully, but needs to be corrected (like most of us at times.
The friends have continued because he has no control over his household. And by control I don’t mean lording it over the house - I mean loving strength, commanded by tough charity.
She won’t like it, she will resist at every step along the way. Mixing words or wishy washy behavior will give her more latitude and allow the behavior to continue and grow worse - as it has.
In the end - she will respect him, the marriage will grow into the mutual loving relationship it should be, and the kids will learn that dad doesn’t lay down for anyone. Otherwise, they’ll start in on him too and those kids he doesn’t want to leave are going to repeat the same disordered behavior.
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Dakota_Roberts
Guest
Get him to document this, this is domestic violence. If during divorce he can solidly prove she is guilty of domestic violence then he has a chance of primary custody.
Then he is guilty of domestic violence and she will get the car, the house, full custody of the kids, everything.I realize I’ll probably get criticized for saying this but its my opinion only.
The only way to save this marriage is for your friend to give it right back to her. IN FRONT of the kids. Tough, every time. Tough to the point where she cries and whines and thinks he is a real jerk. Then when she even begins with the bull, he gives it back again and again.
Secondly, he will make a list of everything she says, every time she says it and makes a copy. Put the copy on the refridgerator for all to see. Let her know he has copies.
I know this is easier said than done, and it takes a whole lot of fortitude. It is actually the loving thing to do. It teaches the kids that a man deserves respect in his own home. She is being respected and loved because she is now being forced to behave appropriately towards her spouse. She wants to behave appropriately and respectfully, but needs to be corrected (like most of us at times.
The friends have continued because he has no control over his household. And by control I don’t mean lording it over the house - I mean loving strength, commanded by tough charity.
She won’t like it, she will resist at every step along the way. Mixing words or wishy washy behavior will give her more latitude and allow the behavior to continue and grow worse - as it has.
In the end - she will respect him, the marriage will grow into the mutual loving relationship it should be, and the kids will learn that dad doesn’t lay down for anyone. Otherwise, they’ll start in on him too and those kids he doesn’t want to leave are going to repeat the same disordered behavior.
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Evania
Guest
You are 100% right.I realize I’ll probably get criticized for saying this but its my opinion only.
The only way to save this marriage is for your friend to give it right back to her. IN FRONT of the kids. Tough, every time. Tough to the point where she cries and whines and thinks he is a real jerk. Then when she even begins with the bull, he gives it back again and again.
Secondly, he will make a list of everything she says, every time she says it and makes a copy. Put the copy on the refridgerator for all to see. Let her know he has copies.
I know this is easier said than done, and it takes a whole lot of fortitude. It is actually the loving thing to do. It teaches the kids that a man deserves respect in his own home. She is being respected and loved because she is now being forced to behave appropriately towards her spouse. She wants to behave appropriately and respectfully, but needs to be corrected (like most of us at times.
The friends have continued because he has no control over his household. And by control I don’t mean lording it over the house - I mean loving strength, commanded by tough charity.
She won’t like it, she will resist at every step along the way. Mixing words or wishy washy behavior will give her more latitude and allow the behavior to continue and grow worse - as it has.
In the end - she will respect him, the marriage will grow into the mutual loving relationship it should be, and the kids will learn that dad doesn’t lay down for anyone. Otherwise, they’ll start in on him too and those kids he doesn’t want to leave are going to repeat the same disordered behavior.
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thewanderer
Guest
Yeah, I have to say this is terrible advice. If he does follow through with this how likey is it that his wife is gonna stick out that marriage? Especially if her friends are truly as bad of an influence as they appear to be, just as they encouraged her to emotionally abuse her spouse they are extremely likely to encourage her to leave him if he acts up like that. And if he acts out like that and then she decides to leave him? There is not a chance he will get custody of the kids.
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silentfactor80
Guest
Umm…they aren’t physically laying hands on each other according to what I heard. It is mainly psychological abuse. Not sure that counts as DV. If it did I think most of the married couples out there would be locked up.
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thewanderer
Guest
I’m just saying, it tends to be pretty dificult as it is for the father of children to get custody. If he gives her anything she can use against him, such as him lashing out at her and yelling at her in front of the kids etc it just makes it all the more likely that she will get custody rather than him if it comes to divorce. Thats just the way it is.
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