Divorce - is this possible?

[EasterJoy]

Exactly. She never asked him not to work. Although, the last 5 years he has worked 40 hours/week at minimum wage which is sort of a record for him. But his new girlfriend’s income of SS disability is not as much as his wife’s modest teaching salary, and he is feeling the pinch, as he “complained” to her that when they go to the bar they can only afford one beer…

Easterjoy, a good lawyer is a good idea. She has one but he is on vacation. She has no complaints about him at this time so I guess he is good. It is a small rural town. Big enough for a Walmart but not a lot else…

This is not about the attorney being a “good one” or not. It is about what he or she specializes in. If her attorney does not *specialize *in divorce cases, ask for a referral.

It is the same with whoever you have in town to practice medicine. They would be perfectly capable of plenty of things, but not medicine that is the purview of a specialist. This is not going to be an amiable divorce between two people who want help to divide their financial assets fairly. If this kind of divorce is not unfortunately a large part of what her attorney makes a living at, I would swallow hard and spend the money on someone who specializes.

In any event, regardless of which attorney she chooses, she ought to do her homework in advance, take lots of notes when she is with the attorney, avoid chatting that is not directly to do with her case, and do everything the attorney says, to the letter. No guff. No exceptions. No caving in to pleas from the ex.

 

[Eliza10]

This is not about the attorney being a “good one” or not. It is about what he or she specializes in. If her attorney does not *specialize *in divorce cases, ask for a referral.

It is the same with whoever you have in town to practice medicine. They would be perfectly capable of plenty of things, but not medicine that is the purview of a specialist. This is not going to be an amiable divorce between two people who want help to divide their financial assets fairly. If this kind of divorce is not unfortunately a large part of what her attorney makes a living at, I would swallow hard and spend the money on someone who specializes.

In any event, regardless of which attorney she chooses, she ought to do her homework in advance, take lots of notes when she is with the attorney, avoid chatting that is not directly to do with her case, and do everything the attorney says, to the letter. No guff. No exceptions. No caving in to pleas from the ex.

Thanks. Fortunately what I can surely say about my friend is that she is a sensible girl. Practical, thrifty, intelligent. Sounds like not, maybe, because of how I described the man she married, then it looks like she is not sensible. But she has great loyalty in her character. And when one lives with such a manipulator who is always working on making sure you believe certain things and ignore certain things and that you have certain reactions (like sympathy for him when he chooses not to look for a job, or pity for him when he has a desire to spend a large chunk of their money on an endeavor, etc. etc.)however, in these situations it’s like you are a lobster put in a pot of cold water and the pot gets turned up only slowly. If it was hot he’d fight and jump out… instead, he slowly cooks… now that she is out she looks back and is rather stunned at what she put up with, how much of her life was spent in that situation, and also out comes is realizations that his grandiose stories about himself she never really questioned were lies, too. Sort of overwhelming.

No wonder God hates divorce. I used to think it was He did not like people who would not long suffer and keep their commitment even when its hard. No. Now I believe its because He loves us, and this breaking of hearts breaks His, too.

Her lawyer sounds like a divorce lawyer but I will check with her and see if he actually is…

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks. Fortunately what I can surely say about my friend is that she is a sensible girl. Practical, thrifty, intelligent. Sounds like not, maybe, because of how I described the man she married, then it looks like she is not sensible. But she has great loyalty in her character. And when one lives with such a manipulator who is always working on making sure you believe certain things and ignore certain things and that you have certain reactions (like sympathy for him when he chooses not to look for a job, or pity for him when he has a desire to spend a large chunk of their money on an endeavor, etc. etc.)however, in these situations it’s like you are a lobster put in a pot of cold water and the pot gets turned up only slowly. If it was hot he’d fight and jump out… instead, he slowly cooks… now that she is out she looks back and is rather stunned at what she put up with, how much of her life was spent in that situation, and also out comes is realizations that his grandiose stories about himself she never really questioned were lies, too. Sort of overwhelming.

No wonder God hates divorce. I used to think it was He did not like people who would not long suffer and keep their commitment even when its hard. No. Now I believe its because He loves us, and this breaking of hearts breaks His, too.

Her lawyer sounds like a divorce lawyer but I will check with her and see if he actually is…

No one should be ashamed that they were manipulated by someone who is good at it. It is worth teaching each other what to look out for, but masterful manipulators take in a lot of people. They have antennae for good-hearted people who are quick to forgive (which is normally a great character trait).

Martha Stout, who wrote the book “Sociopath Next Door,” noted this:
“Question your tendency to pity too easily. Anyone who actively campaigns for your pity or consistently hurts others is likely a sociopath. Pity should be reserved for those who truly deserve it. Make sure the individual who seeks your help really needs it.”

The Number One thing a sociopath or manipulative personality will look for is pity. They are always trying to make themselves out to be a victim, because the victim can be all take and no give without arousing suspicion. People get the “pay-off” of feeling like they did something nice for “someone who needed a hand.” People who get consolation for doing nice things or who feel a sense of noblesse oblige because they have had a good family and a nice life are sitting ducks for manipulators.

 

[Eliza10]

Thanks Easterjoy. I just added that book to my Amazon wishlist; it looks great. Especially because my ex is a sociopath, a narcissist, in my honest opinion after really knowing him and having a discerning ind and having read plenty on what a narcissist is - there is not any question in my mind.

And I forgive him, and pity him, and have always realized the start in his young life that led him to that road. He is not dangerous to society, Iwishhe was not my son’s father but he is and he could have a worse father. A person can benefit by his association because he endeavors to be seen as a really nice guy.

But I am a sort of a HSP, or an Empath (I am a functional one! - having learned a few lessons the hard way) and it is a major trial to live with an truly insincere manipulative person… maybe others can. It was especially hard for me because I endeavored to see him as I saw myself, - sincere and of goodwill. That was a mistake. (I had no choice about the divorce, but consulted my good priest, who said, among other things, that the other woman did me a favor).

But, like PianistClare here, after the trial of some years the Lord has now blessed me with a very good husband, and we are married in the Church, so we are married in the eyes of heaven as well as earth. He is good and kind and I tell him that in the eyes of the Church he is my first and ONLY husband - the Lord is giving me the chance to experience marriage as it should be.

So my sociopath ex is highly functional and he makes a good social impression (because he works at it). (I think his parents both aimed to be good people, dispute their disfunctions, so that is an advantage). I don’t know how his gf manages (he says they are married but they are not); he has lived with her since our divorce 10 years ago and she seriously needs his income earning to maintain her lifestyle, so, I am not so surprised they are together still. But perhaps because she is tougher and more demanding than I was, as I was diligent in effort to follow the what seemed to me the Biblical command to let my husband lord over me. Not a good way to be with a sociopath. It just makes bad worse. Unyielding and tough is a better stance with them. But whatever, I can’t know what their dynamics are, but only guess from the very rare comments my son makes, and I do not want to press him for any details, as, really, its not my business. Just that I am curious sometimes. But curiosity does not need indulgence. (anyway I will understand all things someday, so really its a matter of patience).

Well, news in my next post.

 

[Eliza10]

The news is that FINALLY today, Thursday, my friend talked to her lawyer. She seems to like him as a lawyer. He said fine, he will change it away from a “no fault” divorce and he will be happy to fight tooth and nail her in this case he is now changing to a “fault” divorce.

So they have a meeting/conference at court later this month for which she she was told in letter by his lawyer to bring along $100 for the first weekly installment for her ex’s spousal support. Hopefully this conference will straighten that out and she can keep her $100 in her purse.

If you are reading this I read this then please pause before you go on and say a Hail Mary, or a prayer for St. Joseph, protector of families, for his intercession for this to turn out fair. (If you are not Catholic then you can certainly go right to Jesus. We just like to get some of Jesus’ beloved righteous ones in on these situations, too, it pleases Jesus when we do!). Thanks a lot everyone!