Divorce & Prayers needed

[DonChads]

About a year and a half ago I discovered my wife was having an affair. I have two children 14 and 11 years old. I tried to make things work over the past year and a half, but my wife had constantly blamed me for what had happened and insisted I am a terrible husband and father. I can tell you I love my kids more than anything and I was always there for our family. About 2 months ago we started arguing again and I moved into the living room. My wife went to family court and filed a temporary order of protection on me filled with lies. The court believed her and this order will last for 6 months. I cannot argue with my wife or speak about anything to our children. She of course feels that this doesn’t apply to her. The next day I filed for divorce.
My wife is making my life a living hell. I pray constantly and wear my scapular at all times. I had also asked God on a few occasions to please give me a sign that things will be ok. About 3 weeks ago I was moving a box with some of my deceased father’s belongings and a coin fell out almost right into my hand. The items I was moving had nothing to do with coins or jewelry. I have never seen this coin before. It is very old and has a hole in it to wear on a necklace. It has an inscription on it saying “For good fortune carry this lucky coin”. I’ve never been a person who believed in good luck items, but I was truly thinking of my dad when this fell out. I have been wearing it ever since.
I am sharing this story with you as I ask for your prayers that things remain peaceful for my children and me during this awful time in our lives. I worry about them the most and I grieve inside as they do not know anything about the divorce, they only know that Dad sleeps in the living room now.
Thank you for reading my story. I have a long road ahead and I pray that someday my life will be filled with happiness once again.

 

[pollylodges]

Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

For Help in Trials

Most holy apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who feels so hopeless. Make use, I implore you, of that particular privilege accorded to you of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, in particularDonChads, and that I may bless God with you and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise you, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you. Amen.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I can say from watching this sort of thing take place among people I know that affairs almost never happen in a vacuum. While everyone focuses on the mortal sin of adultery, it is often the case that the betrayed spouse played a part in leaving the betrayer vulnerable to temptation. When it is the wife cheating, while there is never an excuse for that, it is a mortal sin after all, but one often finds that her husband lost her respect somewhere along the line. I won’t speculate how that happened here, it is too late for this marriage, but perhaps the OP could reflect back on what happened. As always when I hear about adultery and divorce, I pray for the children involved, they are the ones who will hurt the most from this.

 

[heidi_storage]

I can say from watching this sort of thing take place among people I know that affairs almost never happen in a vacuum. While everyone focuses on the mortal sin of adultery, it is often the case that the betrayed spouse played a part in leaving the betrayer vulnerable to temptation. When it is the wife cheating, while there is never an excuse for that, it is a mortal sin after all, but one often finds that her husband lost her respect somewhere along the line. I won’t speculate how that happened here, it is too late for this marriage, but perhaps the OP could reflect back on what happened. As always when I hear about adultery and divorce, I pray for the children involved, they are the ones who will hurt the most from this.

“[P]erhaps the OP could reflect back on what happened”? It sounds like you’re blaming the wronged party here. I am sure the OP made mistakes and failed as a husband sometimes–we all do. I really don’t think that the husband should be asking himself, “How could I have prevented my wife from cheating?”

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

“[P]erhaps the OP could reflect back on what happened”? It sounds like you’re blaming the wronged party here. I am sure the OP made mistakes and failed as a husband sometimes–we all do. I really don’t think that the husband should be asking himself, “How could I have prevented my wife from cheating?”

The mortal sin of adultery is on her and her only, ultimately she will be judged before the Lord for that. I don’t believe I can ever overstate that enough. I already said above that “there is never an excuse for this”.

But when exploring what happened in a broken marriage leading up to the adultery, it is never black and white, there are shades. No one is a saint, no one is perfect. When a woman commits adultery, it means that somewhere along the line, she lost her respect for her husband and that ultimately led to her loss of respect for the sacrament of matrimony. All I’m saying is that loss of respect almost never happens in a vacuum.

The proper question isn’t “how could I have prevented her from cheating?”, it is “what actions and/or attitudes, what deficit of leadership did I exhibit that could have caused her to lose respect for me?” My experience from watching men I know well go through this is that there is going to be something there for him to reflect on.

 

[Sunbreak]

I can say from watching this sort of thing take place among people I know that affairs almost never happen in a vacuum. While everyone focuses on the mortal sin of adultery, it is often the case that the betrayed spouse played a part in leaving the betrayer vulnerable to temptation. When it is the wife cheating, while there is never an excuse for that, it is a mortal sin after all, but one often finds that her husband lost her respect somewhere along the line. I won’t speculate how that happened here, it is too late for this marriage, but perhaps the OP could reflect back on what happened. As always when I hear about adultery and divorce, I pray for the children involved, they are the ones who will hurt the most from this.

No, I don’t agree with this at all. While people aren’t perfect, sometimes the person who is having an affair has unrealistic expectations of marriage and expects the other person to fulfill their every need, which no one can possibly do.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

No, I don’t agree with this at all. While people aren’t perfect, sometimes the person who is having an affair has unrealistic expectations of marriage and expects the other person to fulfill their every need, which no one can possibly do.

While it is true that some people can and do enter marriage with unrealistic expectations, we don’t know that about this particular marriage. Maybe she did have unrealistic expectations, maybe he didn’t exercise leadership well, maybe there were circumstances out of his control (e.g., illness, unemployment, etc.), maybe she brought her own psychological issues to their marriage, we don’t know, period. If the OP chooses not to divulge details, I understand about privacy. He is asking for our prayers so I pray for his children.

 

[Groo]

When a woman commits adultery, it means that somewhere along the line, she lost her respect for her husband and that ultimately led to her loss of respect for the sacrament of matrimony. All I’m saying is that loss of respect almost never happens in a vacuum.

I agree that women who commit adultery do not respect their husbands.

But your statement assumes she respected (and, I suppose, loved) her husband at some time in the beginning. My experience is that this is not always the case. Women don’t always love and respect the men they marry. Sometimes they marry because they feel obligated, or because they’re scared they’ll never meet someone, or they see marriage as a way out of a bad situation… You get the idea.

This is one reason why we have so many annulments in the Church. People enter marriage when they aren’t really ready. Not blaming just women here; men err as well.

So it’s entirely possible that the OP did nothing wrong in losing respect that may not have been there to begin with. And even if he has lessons to learn, this type of self-reflection is something for after the immediate crisis has passed. I can’t think of anything in this world more soul-crushing than living with a wife who holds no love for you.

 

[DonChads]

I would first like to thank everyone for the prayers you have sent our way. They are greatly appreciated.
I truly understand that I am not perfect, I also know that having this happen is the last thing I ever wanted to happen to my family. I tried to make things work for well over a year.
The best way to describe my wife is narcissistic. I never have done anything right in her eyes.
When my children were born I decided I wanted my wife to stay at home and raise them without daycare. This was very important to me. I have always worked full time, provided, added a room to our home, repaired vehicles in our driveway to save money and never thought of myself once. A few years ago, I suggested my wife get a part time job as the kids were getting older. Reluctantly she did and now works part time. I have a managerial job which takes a strain on me mentally and often times I come home from work exhausted only to find her laying on the bed watching TV and nothing for the kids to eat for dinner. Also, within the past 4 years my wife has become over sexed in her thinking. While I never held out on her(as much as I could) it never seemed to be enough or perhaps the quality she desired. I have been called many awful things by her. A terrible husband, father and provider is usually what she has told me.
I am a good Christian man, I teach my children how to talk to God and never give up on him. My wife does not share these values.
In summary, I understand that we all make mistakes, we all sin and we all need to answer to God. I choose to keep Gods will in my life and I have never cheated. I lost my father at an early age after a long illness and helped my mother take care of him for many years as a young man. I have learned a lot from where I have come from, that’s why I put my children first. I have asked that you pray for my children, not I, as I care for them dearly and have always put them before myself.
Thank you

 

[Randall1022]

I will be praying for you.

 

[Rob_in_Oregon]

Don: It sounds like your wife was not spiritually or psychologically equipped for marriage. Some people, just because of their personality traits, never do well in matrimony. You are in for some tough times in the next few years, but bear up as best you can. There will be good times again, it just may take a while. I have male relatives who went through terrible divorces 30 years ago (I’m 63) and they are very happy today, and have been happy for many years. Don’t lose hope. I will keep you in my prayers. Your Catholic Answers Forum friends are here to support you.

 

[DonChads]

I posted on this forum well over a year ago and was just reviewing some of the posts.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=767395

It does go over some other things I have gone through.

Yesterday I decorated the Christmas tree with the entire family. I put on music and danced funny for the kids and made the best of my situation. After words I went to a quiet place and cried knowing this would be the last time our family would all be together decorating. The Holidays will be a difficult time going through this.

Thank you for the continued prayers.