Divorce question - can a Protestant / Baptist help me out here?

[Princess18]

The situation is kind of complicated.

A dear friend of mine was married to her second husband when I met her. She was raised Baptist but has not attended church for as long as I’ve known her. Their relationship has been rocky the whole time but really got bad the last year or so. He’s very jealous and verbally abusive. For years she’s said “although he thinks I’m cheating, I’m not. I’m faithful to my wedding vows”. Within the last six months or so, he’s gotten out of control. For example, he accused her of cheating and locked her in her bedroom while he sat outside the door with a gun. Things sort of came to a head a few months ago when the cops were called to their house and he was arrested.

So, needless to say, she’s done. He’s moved out, there is a restraining order in place, he is forbidden from seeing the kids until he gets counseling and the divorce papers are filed. Since she’s fully accepted that things are over, she’s decided to start dating again … and by dating I mean sleeping with a new man within two weeks of her husband moving out. I told her I thought that was kind of fast, considering the divorce papers had not been filed yet, to which she replied “Not really. This marriage was over a long time ago. I’m not even sad.”

I asked her a year ago (before any of the serious problems in her marriage started) to be a bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding. She’s asked me if she can bring her new “boyfriend” as her date to the all the wedding activities (bachelor/bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception) … and I DESPERATELY want to tell her NO. She feels that she isn’t doing anything wrong since her husband is nuts and she’s moved on. I’m glad that she’s away from him, but I still see her as married and in my eyes she’s cheating. I also believe that marriage does not end with the civil divorce (I’m Catholic) but I realize that she does not share this belief so it’s really inapplicable to her.

She admits that when she married this husband, she always felt that if it didn’t work out it wasn’t a big deal. She didn’t lose any sleep over her first divorce either. As an unpleasant side note, she’s told me “When the priest is saying ‘til death do you part’ for you two, I’ll be thinking yeah, right.” Her bitterness is not shocking but it gives me serious reservations about having her stand up on the altar in support of me while I take my vows. My fiance’ and I do not believe that marriage is disposable … how can she witness my commitment if she believes that it is?

Here’s where I’m stuck. If she were Catholic, I would have no problem telling her that she’s sinning and there is NO WAY she’ll be bringing the boyfriend to the wedding and all the activities. But she’s not Catholic, and I can’t hold her to the standards of my faith. I figure the fair way to approach it is to hold her to the standards of HER faith (or at least the one she was raised with).

So, if she were your friend, how would you deal with it? Does civil divorce end the marriage? Does merely “being done with it” and filing papers end the marriage? Is she cheating, from a Protestant / Baptist viewpoint? Would you feel comfortable with her boyfriend there? What would you still want her in the wedding? What is your advice for me?

Thank you –

 

[Annie_B]

My advice is be her friend. Set the example for her, because words will not make much of an impact. Do not keep telling her she has sinned - that is not your job. Invite her to some more “social” types of activities at your church and hope that she sees the light of the Lord through you and that might be enough for her to start making some changes in her own life.

Annie

 

[Kay_Cee]

First, let me say that I may not be all that good at giving advice. But here goes.

This is the part I would emphasize—

She admits that when she married this husband, she always felt that if it didn’t work out it wasn’t a big deal. She didn’t lose any sleep over her first divorce either. As an unpleasant side note, she’s told me “When the priest is saying ‘til death do you part’ for you two, I’ll be thinking yeah, right.” Her bitterness is not shocking but it gives me serious reservations about having her stand up on the altar in support of me while I take my vows. My fiance’ and I do not believe that marriage is disposable … how can she witness my commitment if she believes that it is?

Actually, this is pretty darn insulting. She’s already thinking *your *marriage is headed for divorce before the vows are even exchanged? I would ask her the following: “My finance and I are making vows to God that our marriage is not disposable. Please explain how I can have you as a witness to that marriage since you believe marriage *is *disposable.”

I realize you want to keep this friendship, but it might come down to choosing between your friend and God. Have you stopped to consider what kind of impact her relationships will have on any children you and your husband might have? Perhaps that’s something the two of you should discuss.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

 

[Princess18]

I realize you want to keep this friendship, but it might come down to choosing between your friend and God. Have you stopped to consider what kind of impact her relationships will have on any children you and your husband might have? Perhaps that’s something the two of you should discuss.

Yeah, I know. And we have. He said yesterday that he isn’t sure why I’m friends with her since I disagree with most everything that she does. This is because my friendship with her predates him by about three years and he didn’t know her back when she didn’t act this way. She was there for me during some really tough times and we had more in common. Lately I avoid talking to her and when we do talk I don’t ask how her new relationship is going - I ask about her kids and her work. I’m really hoping that she’ll get past this rebound fling (if that’s what it is) and that she’ll go back to being the way I knew her. I miss my friend.

And you’re right, the way she’s been acting the last few months, I wouldn’t want her around kids … maybe she’ll wise up before I start popping out any.

 

[kage_ar]

From a Baptist standpoint, sex outside of marriage is a sin. Period.

As for having her in your wedding, that is a matter between you and your intended and your Priest.

 

[Syele]

Here’s where I’m stuck. If she were Catholic, I would have no problem telling her that she’s sinning and there is NO WAY she’ll be bringing the boyfriend to the wedding and all the activities. But she’s not Catholic, and I can’t hold her to the standards of my faith. I figure the fair way to approach it is to hold her to the standards of HER faith (or at least the one she was raised with).

By the standards of the Baptist faith, She is sinning. Some Baptist Churches would ask her to leave their church for divorce, though most would not, especially since abuse was a factor. BUT Baptists DO NOT allow sex outside of marriage. I’m betting she knows that too!

 

[Kay_Cee]

Yeah, I know. And we have. He said yesterday that he isn’t sure why I’m friends with her since I disagree with most everything that she does. This is because my friendship with her predates him by about three years and he didn’t know her back when she didn’t act this way. She was there for me during some really tough times and we had more in common. Lately I avoid talking to her and when we do talk I don’t ask how her new relationship is going - I ask about her kids and her work. I’m really hoping that she’ll get past this rebound fling (if that’s what it is) and that she’ll go back to being the way I knew her. I miss my friend.

And you’re right, the way she’s been acting the last few months, I wouldn’t want her around kids … maybe she’ll wise up before I start popping out any.

Unfortunately, sometimes friends have to be let go. That was the case with my Maid of Honor. She could barely stand that I was getting married but she wasn’t. When I got pregnant, she decided she wanted nothing more to do with me, and that was the end of years of friendship. (Wouldn’t come to see my newborn, said, “I don’t want to waste my time visiting somebody else’s child when I could spend it visiting my niece.”)

I hope that’s not the case with your friend. I hope you can be a shining beacon to her. People do change. She changed once; she might change again. But we do have an obligation to stand up for our Christian faith, especially in front of our kids.

Hope you work it out.

 

[dprewett]

Is she a true friend. It sounds as though you are growing apart, this happens. You do not have to agree with her sin and through your life show her a better way. Who Knows maby her watching you exchanging vales with your new husband and the love between you could change her life. I am always amazed at how little protestants view marriage. They seem to jump in to fast and break away as if they had just been dating. I know this is going to cause a fuss but 3 protestant friends of mine have been divorced in the last year. It was like they did not even try to solve any problems they just moved out and started dating again. One of them has had 4 wives through out his life and the other day tried to give me marriage advice. Please do not exclude a friend from you big day between you, your fiance, and jesus. Jesus will not mind he dinned with sinners all the time. By the way congradulations and it is my hope that your marriage will bring you all the happiness in the world.

 

[RobHom]

I’m neither a Protestant, nor a Baptist… I am Catholic, but none of my response has anything to do with “religious theology”.

You mention that you have a “friend” who is in the process of divorcing an abusive man…who locked her in a room and sat outside with a gun…because he thought she was cheating. Police were called, restraining orders filed…and this person wants to be in your wedding and other festivities/activities and involve her new boyfriend.

Were I you…my immediate response would be NO!! And here’s why: A soon to be ex-husband with a gun, and a restraining order, coupled with a soon to be ex-wife with a new boyfriend…and the ink is barely dry…You’re looking at a potential disaster waiting to happen. I’m alerting you to the possibility of a wedding that makes the 6 O’clock news, and not in a good way.

It really isn’t anything on your friend…she may be a wonderful person…but the “wild card” in this scenario is the soon to be EX-HUSBAND…who owns guns. Its really not a good mix, and the whole possibility of scenarios just gives me “bad vibes”.

I would think this over long and hard…consider the safety of all who are involved in your upcoming Wedding and festivities…that consideration is of far more importance than the feelings of one person.

Sorry to put it that way…but there have been too many things happen already.

I wish you much luck and happiness in your future and marriage!!

 

[strngrnrth]

A Baptist would indeed consider her to be sinning – but also traumatized. She might not be able to think straight. I had a similar situation, no wedding but a friend still legally married to a man who had tried to kill her. She started sleeping with another man for safety and companionship immediately. I lost track of her. I hope she’s OK.
Her safety is the most important thing in this situation. Help her to a safe place out of town if you can. It’s a life – it’s even more important than your wedding IMO. Tell her she needs to stay in hiding somewhere safe. She may feel the marriage is a dim memory. A controlling man won’t. He very likely knows everything she does. Then, when she is safe, she may just not feel she needs to sin with her boyfriend anymore. She’ll be back in a normal state of mind and confident.

 

[Princess18]

A Baptist would indeed consider her to be sinning – but also traumatized. She might not be able to think straight. I had a similar situation, no wedding but a friend still legally married to a man who had tried to kill her. She started sleeping with another man for safety and companionship immediately. I lost track of her. I hope she’s OK.
Her safety is the most important thing in this situation. Help her to a safe place out of town if you can. It’s a life – it’s even more important than your wedding IMO. Tell her she needs to stay in hiding somewhere safe. She may feel the marriage is a dim memory. A controlling man won’t. He very likely knows everything she does. Then, when she is safe, she may just not feel she needs to sin with her boyfriend anymore. She’ll be back in a normal state of mind and confident.

I should probably clear this up right now – your advice is very sound, but the situation was not as grave as that. He has never been physically abusive (not even remotely) or even physically threatening. He was never the dominant force in the relationship, she was. He’s depressed and acts self-destructively when he drinks. The cops were called that time because he was trying to drive drunk. Him sitting outside her door with a gun was him threatening to shoot himself because she was cheating (she wasn’t at the time). He was verbally abusive (name calling etc) but that was more of annoyance to her than anything else.

I re-read my original post and see that I did make her sound like the abused woman … she’s not. He’s been sitting on his mother’s couch for two months unemployed due to his depression. When she kicked him out, he went without a fight.

If her safety was an issue, I would not be obsessing over my wedding.