Divorce Question

[Jess5377]

My husband and I started dating at about 16. We married at 21. We have both changed so much and now we have absolutely nothing in common. He is Catholic but has no religious beliefs and wants a divorce. While I agree that it would be for the best, if it were up to me, I probably would have just stayed in the marriage because I’m not really a believer in divorce or quitting in general. We’ve talked about it and truly can’t agree on anything. I know we would both be much happier apart. Would it be wrong for me to agree to it since I would like children and can’t see myself bringing them up in this kind of situation?

 

[bsroufek]

While divorce is grudgingly accepted in the Catholic Church, remarriage AFTER divorce to another spouse IS NOT.

So, your comment that you would like children but not in this situation (with him), suggests that you are open to remarriage.

If you do remarry, you will not be welcome to the Sacraments, unless you agree not to have relations with your new spouse.

 

[Jess5377]

Thanks for the reply. I should have been more clear. I meant that while I’d like to have children, it’s not going to happen in our current situation. Since that is a very big part of marriage, would it be wrong to walk away when I’m not willing to fulfill some of the obligations of a normal marriage. In a nutshell, I wouldn’t have asked for a divorce if he hadn’t but also can’t see how it could work. I really don’t have much of a choice in the divorce, as it’s him who is filing for it. I guess what I’m really asking is since I would have stayed, is it still considered something that I’ve done wrong. Sounds silly when I phrase it that way but I’m not really sure of how else to say it. I don’t have the intentions of remarrying, it did read that way though. Sorry about that.

 

[LoveEveryone]

Thanks for the reply. I should have been more clear. I meant that while I’d like to have children, it’s not going to happen in our current situation. Since that is a very big part of marriage, would it be wrong to walk away when I’m not willing to fulfill some of the obligations of a normal marriage. In a nutshell, I wouldn’t have asked for a divorce if he hadn’t but also can’t see how it could work. I really don’t have much of a choice in the divorce, as it’s him who is filing for it. I guess what I’m really asking is since I would have stayed, is it still considered something that I’ve done wrong. Sounds silly when I phrase it that way but I’m not really sure of how else to say it. I don’t have the intentions of remarrying, it did read that way though. Sorry about that.

There are annulments, but that depends on the situation.

I would suggest talking to a priest about your marriage, and perhaps seek counseling. At this point, you two may not be able to communicate very well so having a mediator may be useful.

It seems you are saying “he wants a divorce, but I dont want to have kids with him in our situation, so its my fault”

Wanting to stay is part of marriage. “better or worse” so you have done nothing wrong in this situation.

 

[Jess5377]

There are annulments, but that depends on the situation.

I would suggest talking to a priest about your marriage, and perhaps seek counseling. At this point, you two may not be able to communicate very well so having a mediator may be useful.

It seems you are saying “he wants a divorce, but I dont want to have kids with him in our situation, so its my fault”

Wanting to stay is part of marriage. “better or worse” so you have done nothing wrong in this situation.

THANK YOU! Exactly the feeling I have but couldn’t put it into words. I’ve brought up counseling but he isn’t willing. If what I’ve read is true, I I should be able to have my marriage annulled. I’ll definitely be talking to a priest about it soon. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

[Usige]

THANK YOU! Exactly the feeling I have but couldn’t put it into words. I’ve brought up counseling but he isn’t willing. If what I’ve read is true, I I should be able to have my marriage annulled. I’ll definitely be talking to a priest about it soon. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

One quick item of note. Do not assume an annulment will be granted. Since you are both Catholic unless you attempted marriage out side of the Church an annulment isn’t a sure thing.

 

[LoveEveryone]

One quick item of note. Do not assume an annulment will be granted. Since you are both Catholic unless you attempted marriage out side of the Church an annulment isn’t a sure thing.

Yes, definitely what Usige said. Dont assume an annulment will be granted. Speak to your priest immediately, even if you file tomorrow, itll be a year or longer before it is granted. They take these matters seriously.

I suggest reading up on it. here is a quick copy/past but it inst the end all, you still need to speak to a priest.

In technical language, the most common reasons are insufficiency or inadequacy of judgment (also known as lack of due discretion, due to some factor such as young age, pressure to marry in haste, etc.), psychological incapacity, and absence of a proper intention to have children, be faithful, or remain together until death.

These grounds can manifest themselves in various ways. For example, a couple, discovering her pregnancy, decide to marry; only much later do they recognize the lack of wisdom in that decision. Or one spouse carries an addictive problem with alcohol or drugs into the marriage. Perhaps a person, unfaithful during courtship, continues the infidelity after marrying.

 

[Windmill]

So sad that you’ve gone through all this. I hope that you will seek Christ in all that you do, for it is ultimately in Him that we find peace. Our Catholic Faith gives us the surest path to everlasting happiness, and faithfulness in the small, short things of this life will be so worth it when we face our Lord on our last day.

As for the annulment (or, properly called, a “declaration of nullity” since the Church doesn’t make something that was valid in the eyes of God now “invalid”, they simply seek to find whether or not the marriage was valid from the beginning), one really should approach this the way the Church does: presuming the marriage is valid unless shown otherwise. IOW, one should not say “I should be able to get the marriage annulled” and start making decisions on that assumption. Rather, mentally prepare yourself for a life of chastity while your true spouse lives. For even though the civil law allows for divorce, God would still hold you to your vows. This can be a challenge, but Christ will not give you more than you can handle.

I will be praying for you. God bless.

 

[Jess5377]

I was trying not to get into details about my husband, as his life isn’t my story to tell but I probably should explain that also. He was baptized Catholic but he is an atheist. He mocks my beliefs every chance he gets, which makes me extremely uncomfortable. There was a lot he lied about before we were married. When I said, “I should be able to have the marriage annulled based on what I’ve read.”, I didn’t mean that I feel I should get it, I meant that some of the things in our marriage seem to meet the criteria for it. Thank you for the prayers, I could definitely use them.

 

[1ke]

Were you married in the Church?

 

[Rence]

My husband and I started dating at about 16. We married at 21. We have both changed so much and now we have absolutely nothing in common. He is Catholic but has no religious beliefs and wants a divorce. While I agree that it would be for the best, if it were up to me, I probably would have just stayed in the marriage because I’m not really a believer in divorce or quitting in general. We’ve talked about it and truly can’t agree on anything. I know we would both be much happier apart. Would it be wrong for me to agree to it since I would like children and can’t see myself bringing them up in this kind of situation?

You need the counsel of a priest. The Church accepts civil divorce in situations where the home is toxic. But you cannot remarry unless an annulment is granted. This is when a tribunal examines your marriage, and after much examination, determines whether the marriage was ever a marriage to begin with. If your marriage was found to be valid, you have to remain single (and not date). I can understand not wanting to bring a child into a toxic home. You need to talk to your priest.

 

[Jess5377]

We were, which is why this is so difficult for me. I really thought he believed in God. He didn’t go to church but I just thought it was a phase that most of us go through.

 

[Usige]

I was trying not to get into details about my husband, as his life isn’t my story to tell but I probably should explain that also. He was baptized Catholic but he is an atheist. He mocks my beliefs every chance he gets, which makes me extremely uncomfortable. There was a lot he lied about before we were married. When I said, “I should be able to have the marriage annulled based on what I’ve read.”, I didn’t mean that I feel I should get it, I meant that some of the things in our marriage seem to meet the criteria for it. Thank you for the prayers, I could definitely use them.

Sorry, I wasn’t saying you shouldn’t pursue it. It was more a cautionary note. I’ve seen too many people who are sure they will get a decleration of nullity only to hear that the tribunal finds their marriage valid. They are crushed and don’t know what to do.

I guess in was just trying to let you know that you might not be able to marry and have children if the tribunal finds your marriage is valid. He could be the worlds biggest lying, cheating, anti-catholic jerk, but none of that automatically invalidates consent of your wedding vows. Take it one step at a time, but always keep in the back of your mind that your marriage could be found to be valid despite its problems or a divorce.

I will keep you and all in troubled marriages in my prayers.

 

[1ke]

Go talk to your pastor.

 

[Jess5377]

You need the counsel of a priest. The Church accepts civil divorce in situations where the home is toxic. But you cannot remarry unless an annulment is granted. This is when a tribunal examines your marriage, and after much examination, determines whether the marriage was ever a marriage to begin with. If your marriage was found to be valid, you have to remain single (and not date). I can understand not wanting to bring a child into a toxic home. You need to talk to your priest.

I agree that I do need to talk to a priest. Thank you for the information, it’s appreciated. I’m not sure that he will be willing to participate in anything involving the church so I’m not sure how that will effect things. I can accept either decision, although like anything in life, it will be hard. Thanks again and God bless.

 

[Jess5377]

Sorry, I wasn’t saying you shouldn’t pursue it. It was more a cautionary note. I’ve seen too many people who are sure they will get a decleration of nullity only to hear that the tribunal finds their marriage valid. They are crushed and don’t know what to do.

I guess in was just trying to let you know that you might not be able to marry and have children if the tribunal finds your marriage is valid. He could be the worlds biggest lying, cheating, anti-catholic jerk, but none of that automatically invalidates consent of your wedding vows. Take it one step at a time, but always keep in the back of your mind that your marriage could be found to be valid despite its problems or a divorce.

I will keep you and all in troubled marriages in my prayers.

Oh no, I didn’t take it that way. I didn’t want you to think I felt I was entitled to having my way. Like most people, I hope for things so being told to take a step back may be hard to hear but totally necessary and I know it’s harder to say what’s not easy than what is guaranteed to be accepted so thank you for being honest with me. Unfortunately, I don’t know everything so every little bit is a big help.

 

[Rence]

I agree that I do need to talk to a priest. Thank you for the information, it’s appreciated. I’m not sure that he will be willing to participate in anything involving the church so I’m not sure how that will effect things. I can accept either decision, although like anything in life, it will be hard. Thanks again and God bless.

He doesn’t have to participate in it. It would be in your best interests (and his) to talk to your priest, with or without him. And you don’t need his participation when seeking an annulment either, if that is the route you choose.

 

[runningdude]

… In a nutshell, I wouldn’t have asked for a divorce if he hadn’t but also can’t see how it could work. I really don’t have much of a choice in the divorce, as it’s him who is filing for it. …

If you merely acquiesced to the divorce, you would not be guilty of any sin. It would be your husband’s sin. However, you would still be obligated to live as though you were married (no dating, no friend’s with “benefits”, etc.). Many older adult Catholics that I know are in this situation.

Legal separation, where you divide your assets, and live a part temporarily or permanently may be a better option. You would still be legally married, but have greater flexibility to avoid conflict.

Due to your fairly young age when you married, it is possible one of you did not fully understand marriage, and thus did not properly consent. Your diocese has a committee (the tribunal) that could interview you and your husband to see if this were the case. If they rule in your that your marriage was invalid, you would be free to remarry.

However, there is no guarantee that the tribunal would find your marriage to be “null” (invalid). Only couples that divorce can be investigated, so think long and hard before you attempt this process.

 

[Suslar]

You’ve been given some good advice about divorce and annulment in the above posts.
As someone who has “been there” . . . and now has my declaration of nullity, I’d offer the suggestion that you do everything in your power to reconcile.

Divorce is AWFUL. It doesn’t end anything (but the legal marriage). Yet, it causes a whole new world of problems that you can’t even start to imagine. I know, I know - on tv and in the movies when things aren’t going perfectly, people divorce and then along comes the love of your life who saves you from your terrible past. But real like is nothing like that.

With divorce comes some of the most negative feelings ever. Most of us who have been thru it can tell you. There is HUGE guilt . . . feelings of failure . . . isolation . . .confusion . . .depression . . friends and family who “disappear” because they don’t know what to say and don’t want to choose sides. But the worst thing is the inability to trust. You doubt yourself. You doubt your decisions. You doubt the advice of everyone else. You doubt you can trust any other person ever again and think you can do it all alone. If you do eventually start to date once you have the annulment, it’s hard to trust members of the opposite gender - there’s fear the new one will do what the ex did. It’s truly a new realm of hell that Dante didn’t discuss. Plain and simple, divorce wrecks people. Society feeds us a big fat lie in telling us it’s a solution.

Please, please think long and hard before ending things. Go back and look at your wedding video and photos. Think about why you married him and what you once loved about him. Try to rekindle that if you can. And, talk to your priest and pray. God can help you reconcile the most impossible situation if you let Him.

I’ll add you to my prayer list.

 

[Jess5377]

You’ve been given some good advice about divorce and annulment in the above posts.
As someone who has “been there” . . . and now has my declaration of nullity, I’d offer the suggestion that you do everything in your power to reconcile.

Divorce is AWFUL. It doesn’t end anything (but the legal marriage). Yet, it causes a whole new world of problems that you can’t even start to imagine. I know, I know - on tv and in the movies when things aren’t going perfectly, people divorce and then along comes the love of your life who saves you from your terrible past. But real like is nothing like that.

With divorce comes some of the most negative feelings ever. Most of us who have been thru it can tell you. There is HUGE guilt . . . feelings of failure . . . isolation . . .confusion . . .depression . . friends and family who “disappear” because they don’t know what to say and don’t want to choose sides. But the worst thing is the inability to trust. You doubt yourself. You doubt your decisions. You doubt the advice of everyone else. You doubt you can trust any other person ever again and think you can do it all alone. If you do eventually start to date once you have the annulment, it’s hard to trust members of the opposite gender - there’s fear the new one will do what the ex did. It’s truly a new realm of hell that Dante didn’t discuss. Plain and simple, divorce wrecks people. Society feeds us a big fat lie in telling us it’s a solution.

Please, please think long and hard before ending things. Go back and look at your wedding video and photos. Think about why you married him and what you once loved about him. Try to rekindle that if you can. And, talk to your priest and pray. God can help you reconcile the most impossible situation if you let Him.

I’ll add you to my prayer list.

Thank you so much and I’m truly sorry to hear what you’ve been through.I’ll be praying for you too. If it were up to me, I would stick it out. Unfortunately, I don’t have much of a say in it. While this hasn’t been a good or easy marriage, I really would do almost anything not to go through a divorce. Now I’m just praying to get through it if that’s the path I have to take.