Divorce/Separation and mental illness

[Earningmywings]

Hello,

I am a 45 year old mother of 6 (4 angel babies), 1 girl-15, and 1 boy-12. My husband and I have been together 26 years, almost 17 married. I have recently nose dived into our faith as a result of depressing events, and have fallen in love with Jesus. I am so very glad to be at this place in my faith, and only hope to continue growing closer to Jesus.*

My question for anyone who can help is this: How do we as Catholic’s, help our spouses who are dealing with severe depression without getting sucked into their world?

My husband is severely depressed, for many, many reasons, and not only is it affecting our relationship, but it is also affecting our children. He knows he needs help, but refuses to see a professional, due to traumatic events that he experienced as a child, and the belief that they really can’t help him. He feels if family would recognize the struggles that we are enduring, and help, that would help him, and all of us.
We have reached out to family for help, but his outward attitude has harden most family members to our situation.

Knowing “what God has joined together let no man separate” (I know this is not the direct quote, but you get the picture ; )*), how can I fix this before it’s too late and I feel their is no other option but divorce/annulment?

 

[hiramross]

Hi!

I’m not sure of your location but I will share with you mine for your reference. I am in Houston, TX. We have Catholic doctors, councilors and therapist that focus on treatments in the Catholic perspective and teachings. Hopefully you can find some in your area. Start with asking different church admins or online.

Also to share a passage:
1 corinthians 7:14
“For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

A married couple have great and special means to help aid each other including spiritually. The treatments may not be quick but they work. Pray for him and continue to do so.

Also I suggest you look up Archbishop Fulton Sheen; he hosted a show in the 1950s called “Life is Worth Living” he is an amazing man and very inspiring. He actually has a great story about the passage above.

 

[1ke]

before it’s too late and I feel their is no other option but divorce/annulment?

I’m curious as to why you believe a decree of nullity is an option here? What makes you think your marriage is not valid?

Would your perspective on your options change if annulment were not an option and divorce would require you to remain single in the future?

I am sure it is difficult to live with a person who suffers from depression and won’t get help. Especially if he thinks that other people changing will make things better.

If he won’t get counseling, I suggest YOU get counseling. You can’t change him, but you can change YOU. You can get coping strategies and suggestions on how to work with him to get him to reconsider professional help. Look for Catholic counselors, perhaps a referral through Catholic Charities. Go for your own mental health.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m curious as to why you believe a decree of nullity is an option here? What makes you think your marriage is not valid?

Would your perspective on your options change if annulment were not an option and divorce would require you to remain single in the future?

I am sure it is difficult to live with a person who suffers from depression and won’t get help. Especially if he thinks that other people changing will make things better.

If he won’t get counseling, I suggest YOU get counseling. You can’t change him, but you can change YOU. You can get coping strategies and suggestions on how to work with him to get him to reconsider professional help. Look for Catholic counselors, perhaps a referral through Catholic Charities. Go for your own mental health.

Yes.

 

[mommy_k]

Your husband needs help if he is affecting your relationship and your children. Just as with any boldily sickness, a doctor needs to be involved. Your husband would not expect you to set a broken leg or perform surgery–and this is no different.

This question is hard to answer, due to depression is different for everyone. I agree for you to perhaps reach out to a counselor for yourself, and they will also be able to guide you on how to cope with this without enabling.

If there is abuse involved emotional, verbal or physical-you have the right to ask him to move out until he gets treatment. This should happen sooner than later.

 

[styrgwillidar]

You may want to check out the following website.

depressionfallout.org/

Recommend the books by Anne Sheffield
" Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond"
“How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed”

My spouse wouldn’t go to counseling. Got the books and was reading them, pointed to something that struck me about how I was feeling. She started reading the books and was able to point to things describing how she felt, she then decided to go to counseling.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I’m curious as to why you believe a decree of nullity is an option here? What makes you think your marriage is not valid?

Would your perspective on your options change if annulment were not an option and divorce would require you to remain single in the future?

I am sure it is difficult to live with a person who suffers from depression and won’t get help. Especially if he thinks that other people changing will make things better.

If he won’t get counseling, I suggest YOU get counseling. You can’t change him, but you can change YOU. You can get coping strategies and suggestions on how to work with him to get him to reconsider professional help. Look for Catholic counselors, perhaps a referral through Catholic Charities. Go for your own mental health.

As one with mental health issues myself, I agree with 1ke’s suggestions. This is just part of the “for better or worse” “in sickness and in health” promises of marriage. If you came down with depression, would you want your husband to divorce you even if you balked at treatment? Of course not! So do the same for him. You don’t know what mental or physical state you will be in in the years ahead. Most people have to be cared for at some point for an extended period.

Since he is treatment resistant, fix what you can about yourself. Get counseling from a priest and a counselor on how to best cope with the mental and physical strains of caring for a sick person. Seek help through support groups for those who care for the sick and mentally ill. Pray and meditate on Scrpture, ask God for strength to love your husband and care for him during his time of sickness.

Don’t leave him. Try these suggestions. Seek counseling, support groups and other assistance to help you through this hard time. Call on family and friends for support too. You can do this!

 

[LongingSoul]

My husband is severely depressed, for many, many reasons, and not only is it affecting our relationship, but it is also affecting our children. He knows he needs help, but refuses to see a professional, due to traumatic events that he experienced as a child, and the belief that they really can’t help him. He feels if family would recognize the struggles that we are enduring, and help, that would help him, and all of us.
We have reached out to family for help, but his outward attitude has harden most family members to our situation.

If he is a self medicator as in alcohol or marijuana… that needs to be addressed as the primary problem even if he had depression before use. In that case, Al anon would be a very helpful source of strategy for you.

 

[mommy_k]

I disagree that you cannot leave someone who is mentally ill and refusing treatment.

It depends on how the mental illness is affecting the spouse and family. Some, not all people with mental illness can be emotionally abusive. If this is the case, then the op should ask him to leave until he gets treatment.

Someone who has a physical illness can sometimes infect others, and it would be reasonable tpo expect them to get treatment before others get sick too–constant exposure to the behavior of a mentlally ill person, can cause stress, anxiety, and depression in others by their behavior. The children too are learning and absorbing this, and it is not an emotionally healthy enviornment and may have long term effects.

So it depends on individual circumstances, th severity, and the impact of the illness on other family members.

 

[Earningmywings]

Thank you all for your words of advice and direction. I appreciate your kindness and consideration .

Hiramross,
I am in a suburb of Detroit, Michigan.

1ke and xantippe, your faith is comforting. Having said that, this is a struggle I don’t take lightly. As I said before my husband and I have been together for 26 years, and he has been depressed since childhood (about 12 years of age, he is 43) Recently his depression has hit new lows neither one of us have ever experienced before. Reaching out to fellow brothers and sisters in Christ can be a source of renewed energy, even if it doesn’t solve the problem.

In an effort to find some peace and hopefully a pathway to a solution, I am in counseling. I have also spoken to a priest at our parish, and am hoping my husband and I can attend the marriage evening of our lenten series.

To further explain, what began his recent downward spiral is significant change on his follow up CT scan for lung nodules. As of right now we are hoping the groundglass shown on the scan is from a cold, he will have a follow up scan in 6 months. Prior to this, we spent the summer working with law enforcement to protect our daughter from an online sexual predator. He is currently behind bars awaiting arraignment, but the damage he has done to her and our family, will take alot longer to repair. We, as I am sure many others do, have struggled financially since 2010. Every time we took one step forward we were thrown back 10. When we reached out to family, we were talked about and made to feel as if we were only as good as our finances. The reality of this was made abundantly clear, when afterwards other family members asked for the same help and were helped without hesitation.

I love my husband and my children and want what’s best for all of us. I never thought my marriage wasn’t valid, and if my only option was to be single the rest of my life, if my husband and I couldn’t find the healing he/we need in order to have a healthy relationship, (which I have thought and prayed about at great length, then I feel it would be my duty and what God expects of me to be single.

 

[alphawoman]

I disagree that you cannot leave someone who is mentally ill and refusing treatment.

It depends on how the mental illness is affecting the spouse and family. Some, not all people with mental illness can be emotionally abusive. If this is the case, then the op should ask him to leave until he gets treatment.

Someone who has a physical illness can sometimes infect others, and it would be reasonable tpo expect them to get treatment before others get sick too–constant exposure to the behavior of a mentlally ill person, can cause stress, anxiety, and depression in others by their behavior. The children too are learning and absorbing this, and it is not an emotionally healthy enviornment and may have long term effects.

So it depends on individual circumstances, th severity, and the impact of the illness on other family members.

Yes, decisions are highly context-specific. Abuse spans multiple areas-- physical, emotional, financial, etc. Canon Law provides for situations where spouses may licitly separate, and some mental illness may fall under Can. 1153 §1.
Vatican:

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

Source: vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P45.HTM

 

[Earningmywings]

alphawoman,
Thank you for sharing. I’m praying there is no need for this option, but understanding Canon law is very helpful.

 

[guanophore]

Hello,

I am a 45 year old mother of 6 (4 angel babies), 1 girl-15, and 1 boy-12. My husband and I have been together 26 years, almost 17 married. I have recently nose dived into our faith as a result of depressing events, and have fallen in love with Jesus. I am so very glad to be at this place in my faith, and only hope to continue growing closer to Jesus.*

My question for anyone who can help is this: How do we as Catholic’s, help our spouses who are dealing with severe depression without getting sucked into their world?

My husband is severely depressed, for many, many reasons, and not only is it affecting our relationship, but it is also affecting our children. He knows he needs help, but refuses to see a professional, due to traumatic events that he experienced as a child, and the belief that they really can’t help him. He feels if family would recognize the struggles that we are enduring, and help, that would help him, and all of us.
We have reached out to family for help, but his outward attitude has harden most family members to our situation.

Knowing “what God has joined together let no man separate” (I know this is not the direct quote, but you get the picture ; )*), how can I fix this before it’s too late and I feel their is no other option but divorce/annulment?

Sometimes it works if one spouse initiates help with a family therapist then invites the other to join for a session.

 

[Christy_Beth]

Being mentally ill myself, and single, I’d like to put in my two cents worth. Stay with your husband, because you may be the one shining light he needs to get through this. I know when my depression worsens, I usually need time to work through it. It takes awhile, but I can ride it out. Not very much fun, but on my better days I’ve looked back and seen this to be true. My biggest draw back is that I’m single. I don’t have someone I can turn to when the darkness arrives. I agree with the other advice, which you seem to have taken seriously. Counseling for yourself and for your children is important. This may lead him into counseling as well. In the meantime, pray like crazy. Let God be the one to guide you through this. I’ll pray for your family, and ask that you pray for mine.

 

[Earningmywings]

quanophore,

Thank you for the suggestion. I’ve tried suggesting family therapy before, he refuses. The previous experiences he has had with professional help (childhood) have left him with very little trust or faith in them.

Christy Beth,

I appreciate you sharing your struggle, in my experience it takes a lot of courage, desperation, or both to share things so personal. Thank you for praying for my family, and I will most definitely pray for yours I have no plans to leave my husband. I do feel like I am running out of ideas/ways to help him, and that’s why I am here. He is a good Dad, but when he is in a very dark place it’s hard for him not to want to talk about it and often in front of the kids.

He gets emotional when we talk, raises his voice and loses his filter. He’s been stuck on the same issues for years. He truly believes that someone put a curse on him. It’s hard to know the best way to respond. Do I engage in the conversation and possibly fuel the fire? Do I truthfully disagree and possibly depress him more? Do I agree (even if I really disagree) and strengthen his convictions? Do I just listen without responding, and listen to him get more frustrated because he feels I’m ignoring him? If he assumes I’m ignoring him, and my response is to repeat what he said so he knows I was listening, he either feels patronized, or more frustrated that I won’t engage.

With God’s mercy and grace I know we will find a way, I’m just having a hard time finding patience.

 

[LongingSoul]

He’s been stuck on the same issues for years. He truly believes that someone put a curse on him.

Do you think he is saying this as an expression of self pity or is he scared when he says it? If it’s the later, definitely talk to a Priest about this. The Church doesn’t advertise but it has a serious ministry regarding occult problems. Each diocese normally has one Priest specifically trained to help people deal with this sort of thing.

 

[Earningmywings]

Do you think he is saying this as an expression of self pity or is he scared when he says it? If it’s the later, definitely talk to a Priest about this. The Church doesn’t advertise but it has a serious ministry regarding occult problems. Each diocese normally has one Priest specifically trained to help people deal with this sort of thing.

Both. He has had strange dreams for a while, most recently he has dreamed of battling evil beings. People or demons, I’m not sure if there is a difference in his dreams, but most recently he says he has fought back. He told “it” he wasn’t afraid of “it” and that it couldn’t hurt him because he had nothing to lose. It charged him as he was sitting in a chair. The next thing he knew he was waking in up on the floor with alot of pain on the side of his body that hit the floor. He said it felt as if someone or something picked him up and slammed him to the floor.

I have hesitated to share this with anyone knowing he might be embarrassed. Now I wonder if maybe I should run it and other strange happenings, by one of our priests.

 

[LongingSoul]

Both. He has had strange dreams for a while, most recently he has dreamed of battling evil beings. People or demons, I’m not sure if there is a difference in his dreams, but most recently he says he has fought back. He told “it” he wasn’t afraid of “it” and that it couldn’t hurt him because he had nothing to lose. It charged him as he was sitting in a chair. The next thing he knew he was waking in up on the floor with alot of pain on the side of his body that hit the floor. He said it felt as if someone or something picked him up and slammed him to the floor.

I have hesitated to share this with anyone knowing he might be embarrassed. Now I wonder if maybe I should run it and other strange happenings, by one of our priests.

Yes definitely do. If he can’t help he can direct you somewhere to help. The vast majority of people who think they are having occult experiences… are not. His dreams could also be being caused by some sort of medication. If he is on a strong pain medication of some sort, he could address that with his doctor because some of those do cause hallucinatory dreams. Bottom line is that he doesn’t have to suffer through this forever if he reaches out for help.

 

[Sunbreak]

Both. He has had strange dreams for a while, most recently he has dreamed of battling evil beings. People or demons, I’m not sure if there is a difference in his dreams, but most recently he says he has fought back. He told “it” he wasn’t afraid of “it” and that it couldn’t hurt him because he had nothing to lose. It charged him as he was sitting in a chair. The next thing he knew he was waking in up on the floor with alot of pain on the side of his body that hit the floor. He said it felt as if someone or something picked him up and slammed him to the floor.

I have hesitated to share this with anyone knowing he might be embarrassed. Now I wonder if maybe I should run it and other strange happenings, by one of our priests.

I would advise sharing the whole story with the priest so he could better help you. These kind of dreams and happenings sound unusual. Maybe the priest would be willing to come and bless the house for you and pray with you in your home.

 

[guanophore]

quanophore,

Thank you for the suggestion. I’ve tried suggesting family therapy before, he refuses. The previous experiences he has had with professional help (childhood) have left him with very little trust or faith in them.

You and the kids go. Maybe sometime he will join you.

 I have no plans to leave my husband.  I do feel like I am running out of ideas/ways to help him, and that's why I am here.  He is a good Dad, but when he is in a very dark place it's hard for him not to want to talk about it and often in front of the kids.

It is not your job to heal him, but to love him. God will work through you to bring healing, but it is for Him to be in charge of method.

…"So you will find favor and good repute In the sight of God and man. 5Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.…Prov. 3:3-5

He gets emotional when we talk, raises his voice and loses his filter.  He's been stuck on the same issues for years.  He truly believes that someone put a curse on him.

Curses are quite real, but whether someone did or not, the issue is that he believes they did. Jesus often said “be it done to you according to your faith”. He was teaching us about a principle here. Our experiences flow out of what we believe. If one believes he has been cursed, this is what will govern one’s life experience.

Curiously, he is living out his believe that, whoever cursed him is more powerful than God, since God cannot deliver him from the curse.

It’s hard to know the best way to respond. Do I engage in the conversation and possibly fuel the fire? Do I truthfully disagree and possibly depress him more?

Why would you need to disagree?

Do I agree (even if I really disagree) and strengthen his convictions? Do I just listen without responding, and listen to him get more frustrated because he feels I’m ignoring him? If he assumes I’m ignoring him, and my response is to repeat what he said so he knows I was listening, he either feels patronized, or more frustrated that I won’t engage.

You are in a very tough spot. He really does need to know that you are listening. You can agree to disagree, and affirm his convictions without sharing them. You can say things like “Thanks be to God, who delivers us from all evil”. He may not agree, but you will be less frustrated as you exercise your own faith. If you don’t, then the curse he carries will go forward to curse the family. God can deliver the rest of you from the evil of it, even if he will not allow himself to be delivered.

**With God's mercy and grace I know we will find a way,** I'm just having a hard time finding patience.

This is a perfect thing to keep saying aloud. You can also say Scripture verses aloud.

You are engaged in spiritual warefare here, and you need spiritual weapons.

catholic.org/featured/headline.php?ID=823

catholicwarriors.com/pages/warfare_prayers.htm

Both. He has had strange dreams for a while, most recently he has dreamed of battling evil beings. People or demons, I’m not sure if there is a difference in his dreams, but most recently he says he has fought back. He told “it” he wasn’t afraid of “it” and that it couldn’t hurt him because he had nothing to lose. It charged him as he was sitting in a chair. The next thing he knew he was waking in up on the floor with alot of pain on the side of his body that hit the floor. He said it felt as if someone or something picked him up and slammed him to the floor.

I have hesitated to share this with anyone knowing he might be embarrassed. Now I wonder if maybe I should run it and other strange happenings, by one of our priests.

These are very common in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Evil always enters into our lives through our vulnerabilities, and it is sometimes difficult to tell which is the wound, and which is the evil that has entered through it.