Divorce/Separation and mental illness

[Earningmywings]

LongingSoul and Sunbreak,

Thank you for your encouragement!

LongingSoul,

My husband is on some pretty strong pain medication as well as injections, so they could contribute to his dreams, but he has had them since he was young though. A long time before he began needing pain medication.

 

[Earningmywings]

You and the kids go. Maybe sometime he will join you.

My daughter and I are in counseling related to the summer experience I described earlier in the thread. I will ask if we can transition to family counseling or if that would be an option available to start while attending the individual sessions. Right now, because of the situation we were involved in, all of our counseling services are free. If it weren’t for that we would have to find someone who wanted to help pro bono, or go without.
It is not your job to heal him, but to love him. God will work through you to bring healing, but it is for Him to be in charge of method.

…"So you will find favor and good repute In the sight of God and man. 5Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.…Prov. 3:3-5

Curses are quite real, but whether someone did or not, the issue is that he believes they did. Jesus often said “be it done to you according to your faith”. He was teaching us about a principle here. Our experiences flow out of what we believe. If one believes he has been cursed, this is what will govern one’s life experience.

Curiously, he is living out his believe that, whoever cursed him is more powerful than God, since God cannot deliver him from the curse.

Thank you for these reminders! “Be it done to you according to your faith” makes so much sense to me, and something I always felt and needed to hear.

Why would you need to disagree?

My husband believes that my family hates him, and what started out as a seed in one person’s mind has spread like a weed, to infect not only my parents, and siblings, but also the Aunts, Uncles, and cousins of one of my parents sides, which we were closest too. One cousin recently expressed to me the need to leave my husband because the kids and I deserve so much better. This unfortunately is a situation that has just been allowed to fester (for years) because no one wants to talk. My cousin said a lot of family agree with him but no one wants to hurt my husband’s feelings so they won’t say anything. “A lot of family”, is not “all of the family”, so I won’t agree when my husband says “everyone hates him”, and because I feel that would be so damaging to his already fragile emotional state. My husband also often states that he is “no good for the kids, and I,” and “that his depression is just bringing the whole family down”. Again if I were to agree with that statement, I feel it would be too emotionally damaging.

You are in a very tough spot. He really does need to know that you are listening. You can agree to disagree, and affirm his convictions without sharing them. You can say things like “Thanks be to God, who delivers us from all evil”. He may not agree, but you will be less frustrated as you exercise your own faith. If you don’t, then the curse he carries will go forward to curse the family. God can deliver the rest of you from the evil of it, even if he will not allow himself to be delivered.

This is a perfect thing to keep saying aloud. You can also say Scripture verses aloud.

You are engaged in spiritual warefare here, and you need spiritual weapons.

catholic.org/featured/headline.php?ID=823

catholicwarriors.com/pages/warfare_prayers.htm

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my struggle, respond, and for letting God’s love shine through you! Your kindness has really touched my heart! :console:


These are very common in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Evil always enters into our lives through our vulnerabilities, and it is sometimes difficult to tell which is the wound, and which is the evil that has entered through it.

 

[Earningmywings]

Please say a prayer for my husband tonight…

 

[Anglewannabe]

From reading all this, I think it is time for a different approach. (since I am assuming you didn’t already try what I am about to suggest)

When he says ‘I think I am cursed’ offer to pray with him that Jesus remove the curse. If he says ‘I am no good for you and the kids’ offer to pray with him ‘Jesus, help be me good to my family’. If he says ‘Your family hates me’ offer to pray for loving people to come into your life.

I am concerned that by trying to be a good listener, you may have fallen into the trap of being an enabler.

 

[Earningmywings]

Angelwannabe,

Being an enabler is also a concern that I have. I will definitely try these prayers.
Thank you.

 

[patricius79]

Hello,

I am a 45 year old mother of 6 (4 angel babies), 1 girl-15, and 1 boy-12. My husband and I have been together 26 years, almost 17 married. I have recently nose dived into our faith as a result of depressing events, and have fallen in love with Jesus. I am so very glad to be at this place in my faith, and only hope to continue growing closer to Jesus.*

My question for anyone who can help is this: How do we as Catholic’s, help our spouses who are dealing with severe depression without getting sucked into their world?

My husband is severely depressed, for many, many reasons, and not only is it affecting our relationship, but it is also affecting our children. He knows he needs help, but refuses to see a professional, due to traumatic events that he experienced as a child, and the belief that they really can’t help him. He feels if family would recognize the struggles that we are enduring, and help, that would help him, and all of us.
We have reached out to family for help, but his outward attitude has harden most family members to our situation.

Knowing “what God has joined together let no man separate” (I know this is not the direct quote, but you get the picture ; )*), how can I fix this before it’s too late and I feel their is no other option but divorce/annulment?

I’m sorry you and your husband are going through that, Earning. I went through year of clinical depression in my marriage, as well as chronic fatigue syndrome, which I still have.

Medication is crucial, as well as psychotherapy. It sounds like he won’t go. When one is in such a dark place, one can be paranoid about everything, including things that will probably help (such as meds). I was scared of meds too, because I’d read some things about them that weren’t helpful. I also wanted to try to do everything “naturally”. But I’m way past that, now. I would be in agony all the time without mood and pain meds.

Of course, the first think you have to do is take care of yourself, such as getting counseling for yourself, stress relief (like exercise), eating well, normal stuff like that. Counseling should help you to figure out how to help your kids in all this.

Above all, I would encourage you to pray to Our Lady for help. I have marital problems myself and I would be close to the despair all the time if it weren’t for depending on the Blessed Mother.

Praying in union with you and your family for the healing of all families.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I’m curious as to why you believe a decree of nullity is an option here? What makes you think your marriage is not valid?

Would your perspective on your options change if annulment were not an option and divorce would require you to remain single in the future?

I am sure it is difficult to live with a person who suffers from depression and won’t get help. Especially if he thinks that other people changing will make things better.

If he won’t get counseling, I suggest YOU get counseling. You can’t change him, but you can change YOU. You can get coping strategies and suggestions on how to work with him to get him to reconsider professional help. Look for Catholic counselors, perhaps a referral through Catholic Charities. Go for your own mental health.

I completely agree. Go for marriage counselling yourself if he won’t go. See if you can find a support group for spouses of depressed people.

If your husband is really severely ill and refusing to help himself, you may come to a point where you need to consider whether it is healthy for you and your children to remain in this situation. I get that his depression is an illness. Completely. I am a nurse and I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which is currently well-managed. My husband was the one who recognized that my behaviour was abnormal and encouraged me to seek help. I sought help and I am completely astounded at the 180-turn it made in my life. However, I recognized that I needed to do something about it and get help. You almost may need to point out to him that his not wanting to seek help may actually be part of his depression. I would suggest, at the very least, going yourself to his regular primary care provider and telling them about your concerns. You might advise your husband that if he does not feel that counselling would be helpful there are many medications and other options that could help instead. His care provider would be able to advise him.