I was in similar shoes when I became Catholic in 2000. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive though I never read about that kind of abuse at that time, so I never used the word abuse (I just lived immersed in it without giving it a name). It was just “difficult” and “sad” and made me feel old to be married to him. But I accepted it as the “for worse” life I vowed to accept and lived to know God better, who was my comfort. Which led me to the Catholic Church. I certainly never questioned being married at that point; I was a young Mom, and looked everything like married to the world, and certainly to God, I thought.
When I met with the priest about my interest in becoming Catholic, the first thing he said was, “What does you husband think of this?” I quickly explained that I did not discuss it with him; we had been married a long time and I worked hard to
not make him mad, and if I told him about anything I liked and was interested in it was sure to make him very, very angry. So in interest of being a good wife and having a peaceful home I avoided that - to keep my husband as happy as possible. However, God had made it clear to me that even my husband was not to come between God and my conscience, and this is part of what led me to the Catholic Church (from Evangelical Protestantism). I told the priest this because this was what mattered, what I came to see him for: Catholicism. Not to talk about my marraige, which I accepted as-is. However, the priest, to my shock, answered, “This is not a marraige. It can be annulled.” I quickly put him off that shocking subject and back onto the topic I came to see him about. I explained I had made a vow and I was sure that God wanted me to keep it.
I had been so surprised by this unexpected statement that I thought this priest, who was holy and good in every other way, and clearly was faithful to the truth of the Catholic Church, was wrong on this one thing, and I put it out of my mind. Becoming Catholic was the big deal on my mind at the time and that was all I wanted to think about.
However, I spoke to other priests in this journey to Catholicism. Always good priests. And never did I ask about the validity of my marriage which I assumed was valid because I made a vow in good faith. Yet
every single priest, without my asking, made
this same puzzling comment. (They all wanted to know where I stood sacramentally, I suppose, so the subject of my marraige had to come up). They all said I did not have a marriage.
After a graceful year of being Catholic, in May - Mary’s month - I stumbled on a book by Patricia Evans: Verbally Abusive relationships, How to Recognize Them and How to Respond. I did not consider myself abused, but I knew when my husband was mad (often) he used verbally abusive words, so I got this book for tips on how to respond. I never thought I was in a “verbally abusive relationship”. I saw mine simply as *marriage, *and had spent my marriage reading everything on how to improve my marriage, our communicating, and our relating, how to make my husband happy, but had never come across any reading on verbal abuse.
However, the book made me understand what the priests were saying. She had a list for what being in a verbally abusive relationship looks like. Well, I checked of pretty much all of the checks on the long list. But then there was also a list for what happens to YOU, living in a relationship like this. I recognized myself - this was my experience! Nothing had ever described it so clearly. And I knew it was WRONG for this to happen to anyone. It was SO CLEAR to me when i saw it all written out. I knew God that did not want ANYONE to be treated this way.
I soon realized that in addition, by NOT taking steps to stand up to it, I was
helping my husband commit grave sin,
on a regular basis. Basically I was assisting him in being his
worst person. That’s how I saw it.
I imagine a priest would tell you that God does not want you to live like this. Also consider that your children are learning some terrible behavior as “normal”. How terrible. Why would they NOT end up verbally abusing their spouse, or accepting a verbal abuser as a spouse, since this is what they have learned is normal life? And so the cycle will continue. Unless you address it. Although there is much the same in every situation, including the very low possibility that many of them will change, each situation is different so the more you know the more you can judge your situation accurately. Asking here is one step, also reading, consulting the appropriate kind of counselor, and of course a priest. Or two. You want to be sure you see the situation clearly and see clearly what is the right course of action.
There are books that go even further than Evans as far as telling you how to respond to verbal abuse. I saw a newer one but I cannot remember the title. Basically you learn responses that make you a boring and unrewarding person to be verbally abusive to. Tools to diffuse them. (Calm answers like, “Oh? really? That must be hard.” - that sort of thing).
While such techniques do nothing to make yours into a *real marriage *as God intended for you - since it is impossible to create that if your husband is not able or not willing - it does make for some an option to keep the home intact, since it may possibly create a more peaceful home.
