Divorce - when to take the ring off

[there_and_back]

Well, my wife is divorcing me (I mentioned this elsewhere in the board). Not much I can do about it - she’s adamant. Once the divorce is final I’ll probably apply for a declaration of nullity, which my Catholic psychologist tells me is likely given the details.

But enough of that. My question is: when do I remove my wedding ring? From my perspective I’ll still be married until the declaration, but I’m sure my wife would consider it problematic. I’m also wondering how my 16 and 18 year old daughters will see it. I can see problems with this. (Giving them false hope or appearing to ‘give up’)

I’ll talk to my psychologist about this, but thought I would ask here. What do you think? Take it off when we tell my daughters (probably in a few days) or wait until the divorce is final? Or keep it on until the Church says it wasn’t valid in the first place?

 

[Lutheranteach]

I would take it off when you are legally divorced. I think that would cause the least confusion for your daughters, but I would not date or call yourself single until after the anullment.

 

[whatevergirl]

I would take it off when you are legally divorced. I think that would cause the least confusion for your daughters, but I would not date or call yourself single until after the anullment.

I echo this. I’m sorry you’re going through this, thereandback. My prayers are with you, I read your situation in your other thread. God’s with you always, His peace and strength be with you.

 

[dulcissima]

There will be a day that you have a strong urge to do that. The day my ex came to get the things from the house was that day for me. I came close to throwing it away in a trash can at the fast food restaurant I was hanging out at with the kids while he was getting his stuff, because he had been so dramatic and hateful. Instead, I put it in my purse and later a dresser drawer. It has since disappeared.

That was about a month into the separation and by that point it was pretty clear that there would be no reconciliation.

 

[peary]

Well, my wife is divorcing me (I mentioned this elsewhere in the board). Not much I can do about it - she’s adamant. Once the divorce is final I’ll probably apply for a declaration of nullity, which my Catholic psychologist tells me is likely given the details.

But enough of that. My question is: when do I remove my wedding ring? From my perspective I’ll still be married until the declaration, but I’m sure my wife would consider it problematic. I’m also wondering how my 16 and 18 year old daughters will see it. I can see problems with this. (Giving them false hope or appearing to ‘give up’)

I’ll talk to my psychologist about this, but thought I would ask here. What do you think? Take it off when we tell my daughters (probably in a few days) or wait until the divorce is final? Or keep it on until the Church says it wasn’t valid in the first place?

If it were me, I’d probably keep the ring on until the very moment the divorce is finalized.

 

[Melissa66]

I just knew when the time was right. I was about 3-4 months into our separation. I went to a pond near my home and took a quiet walk. At the end I stood on a little bridge and tossed the ring in and cried for a little while. As I stood there I thought it looked like the One Ring in the Lord of the Rings when Gollum finds it in the river.

 

[tedfay]

I have been divorced and anulled.

I took the ring off as soon as we separated. That was a mistake.

You should truly consider yourself still married until the declaration of nullity goes through. After all, your marriage is presumed valid until the Church declares it wasn’t.

If that is the case, then you should wear your ring until you receive your declaration of nullity. If that is denied, for whatever reason, you should continue to wear your ring.

This should not cause confusion in your daughters. They are old enough to perfectly understand why you are keeping your ring on - just explain it to them in the terms I described above, and below.

Also, wearing your ring is a sign to other women that you are not available. Single women do look. You are not actually availble until you receive the declaration, so wearing the ring will help keep you from temptation when anotherwise good single woman shows interest in you. Remember that you can’t even date until you receive the declaration.

I will pray for you. As one who has known your pain, I deeply empathize.

God Bless,

 

[hurtandhealing]

I have been divorced and anulled.

I took the ring off as soon as we separated. That was a mistake.

You should truly consider yourself still married until the declaration of nullity goes through. After all, your marriage is presumed valid until the Church declares it wasn’t.

If that is the case, then you should wear your ring until you receive your declaration of nullity. If that is denied, for whatever reason, you should continue to wear your ring.

This should not cause confusion in your daughters. They are old enough to perfectly understand why you are keeping your ring on - just explain it to them in the terms I described above, and below.

Also, wearing your ring is a sign to other women that you are not available. Single women do look. You are not actually availble until you receive the declaration, so wearing the ring will help keep you from temptation when anotherwise good single woman shows interest in you. Remember that you can’t even date until you receive the declaration.

I will pray for you. As one who has known your pain, I deeply empathize.

God Bless,

I agree with this advice 100%. If it were me though, I would probably not want to wear my actual wedding band - as it would be too painful a reminder for me. I would probably buy a new one. That way I would be sure that I am properly representing myself to the world (as a married woman).

OTOH, as I wrote this paragraph, I realized that perhaps the painful reminder on the wedding band would also serve to remind me that I am a married woman who still has a vocation to help my husband get to heaven and to offer that and other sacrifices for that purpose. Either way, when and if there is a declaration of nullity, that would be the correct time to remove the ring.

 

[tedfay]

Hurtandhealing,

God bless you.

Something to consider: Perhaps the original wedding band can be seen as a cross, with the pain it causes to be united with Jesus’ cross for the salvation of sinners - particularly your spouse.

 

[Augusta_Sans]

My story: My husband wore his ring for a few months after the divorce was legally final. We kept the divorce civil and quiet, and he didn’t advertise it. He removed it when he felt ready to field questions from friends, family, and coworkers. I wore mine on a chain around my neck for several months before I finally let it go. We both saved our rings (stored securely in ring boxes).

My advice: Take the ring off when both (1) the divorce is legally finalized (it could take years to get an annulment) and (2) you are comfortable answering questions from inquisitive (and sometimes tactless) acquaintances.

 

[Rascalking]

Hurtandhealing,

God bless you.

Something to consider: Perhaps the original wedding band can be seen as a cross, with the pain it causes to be united with Jesus’ cross for the salvation of sinners - particularly your spouse.

This guy (I assume it’s a guy because of the screen name) sums it up beautifully. Way better than I could.

I’m with you there_and_back. Praying for you big time. Be strong my man, and know that cross is brutal, but there is the light of salvation-His resurrection.

Understand my brother, that there is a light for you as well. It’s your job to find it.