Divorce?

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tryn_my_bst

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I understant that I will never be divorced in the eyes of God… but how do I stay with someone I do not enjoy being with. I’ve been married for 11 yrs and have wanted to leave for 8 of those yrs. I do not leave because of my faith… but as time goes by I dont see how this marriage will work we will become one of those couples that doesnt speak to each other but stays together for the kids… I’ve thought about just seperating to avoid fighting because I dont believe in divorce… what a mess I have made of my life!!!
 
tryn_my_bst said:
I understant that I will never be divorced in the eyes of God… but how do I stay with someone I do not enjoy being with. I’ve been married for 11 yrs and have wanted to leave for 8 of those yrs. I do not leave because of my faith… but as time goes by I dont see how this marriage will work we will become one of those couples that doesnt speak to each other but stays together for the kids… I’ve thought about just seperating to avoid fighting because I dont believe in divorce… what a mess I have made of my life!!!
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Are there specific problems or just an overall “fallen out of love” situation? Have you been to theropy?
 
there are so many things…
i was really shy(antisocial!!!) i started dating him when i was 15. invr had any other boyfriends. i got married when i was 21. i new the day of our marriage i was making a horrible decision… but how cld i dissapoint so many ppl!! i think back now and i wish i had said something, anything! maybe someone wld hv seen how unhappy i was! i dont think i was ever in love… at time in my life i wanted to get out of my parents house. we are both tired of fighting and try really hard to support our three children. i dont know how to deal w what i’m feeling. i want to be a good Catholic… if i leave i will never be able to be with another person and i dont want to be alone either. i also know how it feels to hv parents who are seperated(this has just recently happened and as a 32 yr old, it hurts to see my parents doing this to each other)! i dont want to do that to my children 😦
thank you for responding! this may all sound confusing… i hv so much on my mind
 
Retrouvaille. Find the next weekend and go.

A book for you to read is “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly.

Remember, love is a choice - you choose to love this person you married. Marriage is a commitment, a covenant before God - and it really does not matter if you “like” the person or not. You love them.

What better reason than kids to stay together?

If the person is dangerous, then, you separate for safety.

A good secular author would be Dr Laura’s “Care and Feeding of Husbands”
 
I’m going to take for granted the fact that your husband is not abusive or otherwise placing you or your kids in danger. (If I am wrong, please tell me) We are going on 13 years of marriage and I can honestly say that over half of those years have been miserable. For pretty much the first 7 or 8 I thought that this was just my cross to bear in life and that I just had to accept that I was going to live in an unhappy marriage. I too only stayed for the kids and I honestly believed that my marriage, although unhappy, was valid and that I could not get a divorce.

We also married young and we had children right away. The first 5 or 6 years were spent just trying to keep our heads above water financially, emotionally, and every other way. Looking back, the biggest mistake I made early on in my marriage was not recognizing that a marriage needs to be nurtured like a child. As mothers we tend to put our husbands on the back burner. We figure that here we have these little babies that need us for their very existance and at the end of the day we are exhausted and just don’t have anything left for this adult man who should be able to fend for himself for awhile.

While this attitude seems logical and practical, it isn’t condusive to intimacy, like it or not. When I realized that I had to “work” on making my marriage a happy one things started to get much better. Now, this is not going to be easy. Often times there have been so many hurt feelings, so much water under the bridge, that we have hardened our hearts and find it impossible to be the one to take the first step. And even if one can muster the courage to take that first step, the other may reject us more than once and we become discouraged. All I can say is that eventually persitance, patience and prayer will pay off.

Marriage is a sacrament. We can call on God to give us the graces promised to us in this sacrament. Trust in that Grace.

I will be praying for you. I have friends with children who have gone through divorce and remarriage, as do we all. Divorce is a tragedy. There is no greater gift or example of christian charity you can give to your children then faithfully living your marriage vocation.
 
One more thing. I really want you to have hope that things can get better. If you would have told me even 5 years ago that I would have a happy marriage I would never have believed it. Nevertheless, here we are about to celebrate our 13th aniversary and I can honestly say that I love my husband now more than ever. Things get better and better and I thank God, for my kids and for myself, that we didn’t give up.
 
Marci- ty again!
no danger here! i know the right decision wld be to stay… i need to learn how to love him! iremember telling him while i was pregnant w our first child, that we needed to take care of our relationship. i wld tell him that eventually our boys wld leave us! his answer to me was “we are already married why do we need to do that” when we argue he says i’m selfish and that all i think about is having fun. i dont know how to make him understand that all i want(ed) was to be friends and have fun w him! now i dont want that anymore, i’m tired of being w him. but i keep going back to not wanted to sin… divorce is not an option for a Catholic.
i know that you cant tell what to do… but i do appreciate finally being able to talk about it! i talk to friends and they say if i’m not happy i shld leave. when i mention my faith wld not allow me to be divorced and that if i do get divorced i wld hv to be single in order to recieve communion, they look at me as if i were crazy. all i know is God comes first! i need to get my emotions in order
 
been married 19yr now.never thought iwas the type who could get divorced.but thats exactly what i plan on doing.To me,I think the ways of God are incomprehensible alot of the time.In my opinion sometimes no amount of prayers or energy can avert what we never envisioned to happen.Again in my opinion, one has to accept the turn of events as Gods will.Idont envy your position.But for all its worth,Ikeep turning to God no matter what way my life turns.Lastly Iwill tell you as apoint of fact I have no regrets and have more than i can explain to be thankful for.Keep your chin up and I will pray for you as iknow the anguish you must feel
 
Everyone’s situation is different. For some staying is the right choice. I endured for 18 years before divorcing my first husband. He was verballyand emotionally abusive and occasionally physically. I went through the marriage tribunal and was granted an annulment. I have since re-married in the Church. My second husband went through the RCIA after we married and we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this summer. There is life after divorce and the annulment process, though very long and complicated to fill out all the forms, is a healing process.

I will pray for you and your children.
 
I have heard great things about Retrovaille. Also, just general counselling. If your dh won’t go (am I correct in picking up from your posts that he doesn’t see as big a problem as you do?), then you go by yourself. I’m sure there are lots of things that can be done individually to help you make more sense of the various difficulties you are in, and to help you cope. Just go to someone who agrees to honor your wish that divorce not be an option (aside from safety issues of course), and that your goal is to improve your functioning WITHIN the marriage, not by ending it.

Prayers for you.
 
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