Divorce

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eeurogirly

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I am I desperate need of help.
I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We have four children ages 2,3, 5 and10. After an argument on Father’s Day has left us and moved out. Two days later he filed for divorce. I am from California but came here to Hawaii with my husband only a few months ago because he is in the military. We had trouble before but decided to start over here and now it has come to me being served divorce papers and the kids suffering. I talked to a priest here and he said to over back home where I have family and connections. Well, I want to trust my priest and do what eh says.here is the problem. There could possibly be legal actions if I take the kids. I just found this out now,but in rare cases he could get full custody or I could face criminal charges. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t live here and isn’t a real parent in this house. He says he will transfer money but so far it’s not enough.
My parents think I should stay in the home. Maybe he will want to reconcile later but now he is in the more powerful role again and I feel lost.
 
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I think you should seek legal counsel before you make any decisions.

I will pray for you.

Mary.
 
You need a lawyer, now. The priest is not a lawyer. I’m sure you can get a lawyer for free if necessary.

My own opinion (not a lawyer, but I was divorced and am now re-married):

Moving away from Hawaii sounds like a bad idea until the legal details are settled. It could make it look like you are kidnapping the children, running away, etc. etc.

He owes you monthly child support–each state has a minimum amount, depending on the number of children. You can look it up online. If he’s in the military, use that–the military doesn’t like it if their members don’t pay child support. Again, talk to a lawyer.

What you want is the best solution. This is not necessarily getting back together with your ex-husband. What situation do you want to see yourself in in 5 years: 1) still fighting with your husband 2) having a husband who loves you and your children? This could be a new husband.

Good luck.
 
eeurogirly said:
I am I desperate need of help.
I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We have four children ages 2,3, 5 and10. After an argument on Father’s Day has left us and moved out. Two days later he filed for divorce. I am from California but came here to Hawaii with my husband only a few months ago because he is in the military. We had trouble before but decided to start over here and now it has come to me being served divorce papers and the kids suffering. I talked to a priest here and he said to over back home where I have family and connections. Well, I want to trust my priest and do what eh says.here is the problem. There could possibly be legal actions if I take the kids. I just found this out now,but in rare cases he could get full custody or I could face criminal charges. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t live here and isn’t a real parent in this house. He says he will transfer money but so far it’s not enough.
My parents think I should stay in the home. Maybe he will want to reconcile later but now he is in the more powerful role again and I feel lost.
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Your priest did not intend for you to break the law or get into trouble. His advice is very good as a long-term plan–once you get the green light from your lawyer.

Your parents are correct short-term (you should not leave your home until your lawyer says it’s OK) but wrong long-term. Unless you reconcile right away, it is very unlikely that whatever support you get will be enough to support yourself and four children in your current house.

Also, if your husband is in the military, you can contact the relevant office or offices and your husband will be compelled to provide reasonable support. They will make sure that he fulfills his financial responsibilities to the letter.

If your husband moves around a lot with the military anyway, you should eventually be free to move back to your home town anyway when he gets his next posting. He can’t force you and the kids to follow him around the globe if you’re not legally married to him.

Along with a lawyer, at least try to get him into a counselor’s office for some pre-divorce counseling. It’s worth asking, “When we are living in separate states or countries, what is your plan for continuing to parent your children?” I think the answer to that may be very unsatisfactory, but it’s worth asking.

Good luck!
 
You definitely need to consult a lawyer. From an emotional support perspective, the priest was right in encouraging you to move. However, the problem with moving with the children comes in when there are stipulations from the divorce for child visitation - it may very well stipulate that you cannot move out of state (so that it doesn’t make it difficult for the spouse to have visitation with the children). Isn’t there a military family organization that can help you with this situation?
Here is a link to a website you may want to read:
militaryonesource.mil/legal?content_id=271162
 
Yes, get an attorney, preferably one who is familiar with how protections for families going through a military deployment could complicate your case. You may even be able to find someone in Hawaii that has that expertise with help from www.MILdivorce.com.

Look into free counselling services connected with the military which do exist for you as a military spouse, since you are not divorced yet.

The process you are faced with are detailed in this article:
military.com/spouse/relationships/military-divorce/6-steps-to-get-through-a-deployment-divorce.html
 
Dear eeurogirly,

First, I want to express how sorry I am to learn of your situation. You must be feeling a lot of swirling emotions right now. I’m so sorry.

The others are right: get a lawyer as soon as possible to protect yourself. Your estranged husband may have some tricks planned and a lawyer will protect you. Do not sign anything or agree to anything without talking to an attorney first. You have legal rights and despite this tragedy, you must look out for your welfare as well as your children’s.

Consult a lawyer, and then determining on legal advice, talk with family and friends and make your move.

While this all must hurt deeply and is devastating, remember - you’re not alone.

With my prayers
GreyWings
 
In addition to what the others have said, you should contact legal and family services at the military base. If he is drawing a housing allowance and or subsistence allowance based on his family status but not paying for housing for you and the kids, he is going to have to answer for that with the military.
 
Corki said:
In addition to what the others have said, you should contact legal and family services at the military base. If he is drawing a housing allowance and or subsistence allowance based on his family status but not paying for housing for you and the kids, he is going to have to answer for that with the military.
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Oh–that is very smart!

Good thinking.
 
Stop writing on a publicly accessible board where his attorneys can use this against you and consult a lawyer. Especially if charges against you are possible.
 
Get a lawyer, and seek getting temporary custody that would let you take your kids with you. I went through a really awful divorce, and when the judge was signing the bit so I could go back in and get my stuff, and my daughter and her stuff, the judge had no problem when it was said that we would be leaving the state. The separation and divorce happened in Tennessee and my parents, who had no problem helping out, lived in Kansas. So that’s where we said we were going while the judge was signing the paper. He just barely looked up, and didn’t miss a beat in signing the paperwork. Of course, my ex and his family tried to make trouble over that with me at the divorce hearing. But that went over like a lead balloon. Just make sure that you tell the lawyer, and judge, that you plan on leaving the state.
 
Christy_Beth said:
Get a lawyer, and seek getting temporary custody that would let you take your kids with you. I went through a really awful divorce, and when the judge was signing the bit so I could go back in and get my stuff, and my daughter and her stuff, the judge had no problem when it was said that we would be leaving the state. The separation and divorce happened in Tennessee and my parents, who had no problem helping out, lived in Kansas. So that’s where we said we were going while the judge was signing the paper. He just barely looked up, and didn’t miss a beat in signing the paperwork. Of course, my ex and his family tried to make trouble over that with me at the divorce hearing. But that went over like a lead balloon. Just make sure that you tell the lawyer, and judge, that you plan on leaving the state.
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To clarify, because I think this is what you mean: get a lawyer familiar with family law in Hawaii and having to do with the military, explain your objectives and your situation, do not be too timid or too cheap to ask questions, take copious notes–talk about penny-wise and pound-foolish!–and then do what the lawyer says to do. You hire a lawyer to guide you through the legal thicket you are caught in and to keep you from running into something even worse. If you don’t like what you hear, then explain to the attorney and ask for a clarification. If that doesn’t work and you don’t feel you trust the advice, then ask a second attorney for an opinion and perhaps switch lawyers, but do not walk blind by picking and choosing what part of your lawyer’s legal advice you are going to take.

This is not to say you’re giving up on your marriage, BTW. It is to say you need to know what to do to achieve the objectives you want and to avoid consequences you don’t want.
 
Thank you everybody! I did take a lawyer now and I don’t allow my husband in our home anymore. If anyone has any suggestions about books that might help with reconciliation please suggest.
 
I also find it really weak of him that he says he has no choice but to accept me taking full custody. Are four kids worth trying?
 
First, get a non-military attorney. The military attorneys are there to support the soldiers. As soon as your divorce papers are final, you are an outsider in the eyes of the military. Make sure your attorney understands your entitlements with regard to retirement. Although you may be entitled to a portion by law, you still have to request it. Make sure you are named his irrevocable former spouse so a future spouse can’t take your benefits.

Second, move BEFORE your divorce is final (while the military will cover it) or have it in the divorce papers that he is responsible for moving expenses.

I was a military spouse for over 20 years when my husband blindsided me and walked out…leaving me with three kids, no job, and far away from family. He gave me 85% custody and allowed me to move the kids back to our hometown where our support system is. Apparently, he wanted to be happy…which meant a 20 year old wife and living a kid-free life. During the divorce, which he pushed through quickly, he gave us very little money to live on and I pulled from my IRA just to feed the kids. He promised verbally to pay for our move, but he didn’t pay or help us move.

Realistically, if he has moved out and filed for divorce, he is done. He probably checked out of the marriage a long time ago and has come to terms with it. I went through the whole roller coaster of him “trying” to work it out, but he was just going through the motions. I wasn’t ever really clear on what exactly we were working out. I was an emotional wreck and was walking on egg-shells 24/7. In retrospect, all he was doing was allowing me more time to accept the end of the marriage and he had no intention of staying. If you believe HE genuinely wants the marriage to work, and is willing to put in the effort to make it work, then don’t give up. If you have to beg and plead, then his heart isn’t in it and you are wasting your time.

All I can tell you is pray a lot. Pray for guidance and wisdom to know the path God wants you to take. Six years have gone by since I was in your situation. It wasn’t an easy road, but God lead me through it. I’m still not completely through it; life is much more complicated and stressful, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
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