Divorced, Non-Catholic In-Laws in New Relationships Staying at our House?

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Tis_Bearself, that is it exactly. I do love my in-laws, but that doesn’t mean that we have an obligation to “keep the peace” about their poor choices for the sake of family. Even more so, I think its horrific to force my husband to have to be complicit in the fake relationships his parents are in right now, even if they don’t believe what they’ve done is wrong. The divorce destroyed his family; it’s hard enough to have to see it when he has to go “home,” but to have it in our home makes me a little sick to my stomach, if only because I know my husband would give the world for his parents to grow up and get over themselves.

However, JMMJ (and others), I appreciate that keeping our relationship with my in-laws is really important; I wasn’t planning on ever approaching the issue as “You guys are sinful and committing adultery, don’t even think of sleeping together in our house.” But again, the candor and the thought process is appreciated.
 
And Totustuus1213, that’s actually looking like “the plan” at this point. The rooms aren’t furnished yet, but I think that we are just going to buy twin beds for them and let people know that it’s due to size and money constraints–both true, of course–which just has the added bonus of no one being about to sleep with their lovers in bed together. We probably couldn’t put more than a full/double in two of the rooms anyways. I feel like if we make that choice now, we can let people know prior to visiting that we only have one twin bed in each room, but we have lots of rooms for visitors as well as an air mattress for extra guests. I hope that that will solve the issue without anyone having to get weird about it.

Now we just have to work on my MIL calling the day before she drives down to visit, instead of texting us ten minutes from the house that she’s “in the neighborhood” even though she lives 3 hours away…
 
Once you have children, you don’t need to discuss the intricacies of Catholic annulment and remarriage with them as soon as they are the age of reason. That would probably be something that would never cross a child’s mind. It isn’t their business, either, how many marriages any of their grandparents have had. They will just accept them as their grandparents.

If they came to you in their teens and said, “I suspect that grandma and grandpa Jones are sinning because they never got an annulment to their first marriages,” you could say, “Really? I think that’s between them and God., don’t you?”
 
May I suggest you stop using the term “lovers?” It comes off as judgmental and will only cause problems.
 
If my daughter had two rooms, each with one twin bed and I couldn’t afford a hotel, my husband and I would share a twin (and probably wonder why they weren’t at least in the same room for our visit.). After sleeping together for 51 years, I would not be happy to be separated from him at night. I wouldn’t say anything, but I’m pretty sure my husband would ask our son-in-law to help him move one bed into the other bedroom.

Your “get over themselves” comment makes me wonder if there isn’t more to this than condoning their sinful lifestyle.
 
KiraNerys said:
be complicit in the fake relationships his parents are in right now
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These relationships are very real. An irregular marriage is still a legal marriage, cohabitation is still a real relationship. It is our job to love people. To make them see so much love in us that they are attracted to God and His Church because we are so loving.

Best to decide now, and from how it sounds, I think I’d advise turning the guest room into an office, craft room, exercise room. When any family/friends want to visit it is “we’d love to see you! The guest room is now the office, so, it would be bunking on the sofa in the living room and we have an army cot.”
 
This. Although part of me would consider putting twin beds in the bedrooms, IOW, don’t let them get too comfortable…
 
KiraNerys said:
Now we just have to work on my MIL calling the day before she drives down to visit, instead of texting us ten minutes from the house that she’s “in the neighborhood” even though she lives 3 hours away…
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Your text in response could be “oh gosh we’re not home this weekend, so sorry you wasted a trip”
 
I’ve visited friends across the world and from all walks of life. The more affluent of my friends have two twin beds in the guest rooms. Not sure why, but, I have seen this often.

In fact, one close friend had a more than a few lovely guest rooms. One of them contained three pink canopy twin beds. There was a similar sail boat themed room with three twins.

The adult themed rooms had a nice pair of twin beds each.

Twin beds really do make entertaining easier.
 
Well, one good reason to have twin beds in guest rooms is because it allows for unrelated people to share the room without the awkwardness of having to sleep in the same bed. Perhaps two friends know each other and are visiting for a family event. They may know each other, but that doesn’t mean they want to sleep in the same bed.

Actually, that is the solution for the OP. All guest rooms have 2 twin beds. And use the explanation that it is easier for having visitors that do not want to share a bed. Then, your in laws can do whatever they want.
 
As I read her post, it seemed that she would put ONE bed in each bedroom.

Two twins in the spare room makes perfect sense to me.
 
I am in the same situation as you, so it is hard to advise.
This all mess made me angry, in front of the children.

Perhaps they can sleep in your garden if you or they have mobile home or something like that?
That is what we are doing, not us forced, but the guests have do it by themselves (and not for moral reasons).
 
KiraNerys,

One thing I’ve learned in my life is that the majority of things I’ve worried will take place in the future, never came to pass. By the time your children are old enough to understand the intricacies of their grandparents’ relationships, any number of things may have taken place, deaths, divorces, physically challenging situations, moves across the country. Children don’t really dissect the in’s and out’s of relationships until they’re much older. They just accept things as they are. Now, if a divorce or remarriage were to take place when they have reached the point where they’re aware of such a change, that would be different, but that’s not what’s happening now. But before mid-teens I doubt that many children are capable of truly understanding the ramifications of valid/invalid marriages, grounds for annulment, etc. Many of the adults on CAF have trouble grasping them!

And I would be very careful of discussing the state of your in-laws’ souls with your children, pointing out that what THEY’RE doing is not in conformity with Church teachings. An abstract statement of our beliefs is very different from relating it to people they love. I know that hearing something like that would have made me very, very worried about their salvation.

As far as materially contributing to their sin, “they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do.” As I mentioned in my post, it’s probably more likely to take place in a hotel than in your home. (My friends and I joke about the light in our husbands’ eyes at the prospect of an new location.) I think I would be more worried about justifying the impression that Catholics are judgmental and unloving, which never leads anyone to the faith. How do think you would have responded to being refused a shared room before your marriage? That response would be exponentially magnified if that refusal came from one’s child.

I hope you find a way out of this difficult situation, one that allows you to live your faith and still have a loving and harmonious relationship with your in-laws and your husband.

Leah
 
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Hello all,

Again, I can’t thank you enough for the additional perspective, which I know I needed. I am aware that I tend to borrow trouble and catastrophize, so I absolutely take it to heart when you say “STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!!” Because you are almost certainly correct.

A few items just to pull together the threads of discussion:

–One thing I’ve been really surprised by is how many of you believe that my future kids (or just…kids) wouldn’t pick up on this inconsistency between what we believe as Catholics and what we allow family members to do in our home. (Tis_Bearself pointed it out best–there’s not a chance I’d let my friends sleep with their boyfriends/girlfriends/second or third spouses in the same bed in my house.) I say this because, as a child, my parents were very straightforward with us about the reality that marriage is for life, no exceptions, that annulments were not “Catholic divorce” and should be rare, and that if you are validly married (whether Catholic or not) and get divorced and remarried, that is adultery. This was just…part and parcel of my upbringing, even at a young age. A cousin of mine had two children out of wedlock, and we were, truthfully, sequestered to a certain extent for years because my parents didn’t want us to get the idea that what my cousin was doing was okay. So that’s just a little background on that.

–Book_Worm, you are totally correct that there is more to this issue than just who is sleeping where to me. I think the Church (via the strictures of Natural Law) is extremely clear that divorce under any but the most grave of circumstances is destructive, and remarriage without an annulment is ultimately adultery. I have had the awful opportunity to watch the havoc of this divorce of the person I love most in the world, up close and personal. My in-laws do need to get over themselves, and they need to realize that they are not in valid relationships, and that they are still married, and they need to put their family back together. What they decided to do was the absolute height of selfishness. That doesn’t make them bad people at all, but it does mean that one decision they made has caused massive widespread destruction across the lives of their children. That really makes me angry, and I work daily to remind myself that maybe I shouldn’t be such a judgmental cow about stuff, but man, it’s hard after you see your spouse weep because he has no home to go back to anymore.

But, again, thank you guys for just being really up front with your thoughts, even when I am surprised or disagree with them. You have all been really helpful in clarifying the issues here, and I am very grateful.
 
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