Divorced single parent with cancer

[gardenswithkids]

… I don’t want to leave my children with no parent. …

I don’t even know what to write. I cried when I read this post, but I’m glad you came back and wrote it. I can not imagine the pain and fear you face at the thought of leaving your children. I read in another post of yours that they are almost grown. How old are they? Will your parents be able to care for them? Does their father know that you have terminal cancer and could your illness provide an opportunity to heal anything in that relationship? And while I’m asking questions, have you received the Annointing of the Sick?

 

[Lanie2008]

Philena,
It is now 4:00am where I am - I went to bed thinking and praying about your post and the replies I had read. My thoughts and prayers to you are what woke me up.

I like others are unsure of what to say to someone who has a terminal illness. To say my thoughts and prayers are with you while meant with a full heart seem some how inadequate. For what it is worth, you do have one more person praying for you to give you strength and grace in your time of need.

In my family they tease me about being too practical, but that is what I am known for and what they turn to me for when times like these come up. So I will talk to you like one of them, here it goes.

Given your prognosis and your circumstances of being a single parent - Have you contacted a lawyer or legal aid yet? There are a couple of things you need to do to protect yourself and your family. You need to make sure that you have:
Valid Will on file to show who you want to have guardianship of your children. You do not want the State to step in and make any of those decisions for you.
Medical power of attorney for those times when you can’t make a medical decision for your self.
“Living Will”, again do you want the State to make decisions for you or a Loved One to second guess you.
This is just a partial list - a lawyer will be better able to advise you on what you need for your particular State and Situation.

I know this may seem overwhelming, and it may take a little time but I know G-d will give you the strength and means to get it done.

Take care and may G-d bless you and your family always

Lanie

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I’m glad you came back!

And I’m glad Lanie thought of that. Being practical is not a bad idea.

In Illinois, there is a law for terminally ill people, for their benefit. They can designate a guardian “on call” waiting in the wings. Maybe there is something similar where you live? I know a lot of people hate lawyers, but I find them wonderful people.

My friend has a DH who is not in good health. He hasn’t been diagnosed “terminal” but has so many things wrong with him that the doctor told him that he (the doctor) didn’t know where to start and doubted he could help. He has been from doctor to doctor, hoping, as they have an eight year old. No dice. They treat his problems, and he and his fmaily hope for a miracle. And it’s sadder than usual because he used to be a big, strong, strapping man who worked outdoors.

He had enough medical records to apply for disabiity under social security on his own. Even though you are working, if you are feeling weak from the treatment, maybe it’s time to consider social security disability.
http://www.ssa.gov/disability/

And again, if that gives you a rough way to go, don’t be afraid to use a lawyer. Yes, they charge a percentage. My late, great aunt had FIVE things wrong with her, and certainly enough evidence. She was turned down the first time. She went with a nationally advertised law firm for her appeal, and they DID help her get disability.

If you have life insurance- Some policies will pay now for terminal illness.

And please don’t rule your diocese, whichever one it is.

So, please come back again, and again…

 

[Trishie]

Philena, you mentioned being embaressed to ask St Vincent de Paul for help. To see a lawyer about getting disability payment might make you feel the same? Your need is real, and even if you don’t succeed immediately, please persevere regarding what these wonderful practical people suggest.

You’ve worked hard and you have genuine cause for assistance, perhaps, and no doubt, increasing cause, so you’d not hesitate to? Jesus asked for help when He needed it eg to set up for the last supper. He accepted help on the way to Calvary; and his travels while preaching were funded by others… So, you’d be in good company when you need to depend on others’ taxes. Who knows when any other taxpayer may need to do the same?

 

[gardenswithkids]

… apply for disabiity under social security on his own. Even though you are working, if you are feeling weak from the treatment, maybe it’s time to consider social security disability.
http://www.ssa.gov/disability/

And again, if that gives you a rough way to go, don’t be afraid to use a lawyer. …

Great point about social security and disability. A good social worker might help her work through the “system” and avoid the need for a lawyer. St. Vincent de Paul, the hospital or the doctor’s office might be able to refer Philena to a good social worker. He/she could help assess what programs Philena qualifies for, and if state or federal disability and medicare insurance would be enough to offset the cost of not working.

When I working and pregnant, I discovered state disability (that I had paid without even realizing through payroll deduction taxes) covered the end of my pregnancy. Philena, if you qualify for government insurance programs, it is not accepting “charity” to collect on the insurance what you paid for through your taxes. But it can be difficult to know about or work through government programs on your own, especially if you a weak and spending your remaining energy to trying to hold down a job. Ask for a referal to social worker to help assess what programs you may qualify for.

 

[dconklin]

As you can see by the number of responses to my thread, Catholics don’t really know how to deal with divorced people. This is why I feel like a second class citizen. You’d rather talk about “emasculated males” or some such nonsense.

Sorry I started the thread. And thanks to the people who care.

Wow. I am praying for you Philena as well as your church. I am the Dir of Rel Ed at a rather large parish. We have over 600 families in our Rel Ed program and 2700 families all together. We have people with all sorts of backgrounds and experiences. Some people I know very well and others not at all. Some weeks - especially Christmas and Easter - we see over 10,000 faces. Some people that are very active in the church may seem to get more attention, but that is only because we see them all the time and have become close. The father of a family with 5 kids was recently diagnosed with late term cancer. We know each other enough to say hello, but I am not at his bedside through his chemo.

Unless you are in a very small parish with a lot of priests, it is hard to expect the staff - let alone the pastor - to know everything all the time.

 

[Trishie]

Philena, I am concerned as to how things are going for you? Trishie

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Me, too!

 

[Trishie]

Hi! It’s hard, isn’t it. We know she needs more than a couple of threads that become old, when she has a long, slow, losing fight with the cancer, with all the pain of knowing she won’t be there for her children or grandchildren, while also battling to support them. And as far as she knows, we will forget soon. We care, and she’s in our prayers. Do you feel helpless sometimes?

If you call into CAF anytime, Philena, we are praying for you and hoping you are receiving the support you need, and who knows if God can give you any kind of miracle that gives you more time with your children! May all that God wills, and dreams, for your life be fulfilled.

 

[Just_wondering]

Me too, Philena. I’ve been praying for you - I hope things are going well, and your strength is keeping up.:console:

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Sure, I feel helpless. I’m human. I just keep pulling myslef out of the tears, and keep trusting- and some days, that isn’t easy. I can only imagein how hard it is for her!

We’re still here, Philena, and still praying.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

You have also been in my thoughts and prayers. I hope all is going well for you!!!

 

[CarrieH]

Philena, I just started reading this thread, and I don’t have any more words of wisdom for you besides what others have said, but I just wanted to say hello and that I am praying for you. Please don’t blame the Church for ignoring divorced people. I’m divorced, too, and unless you let people know not only that you need help, but what they can do to help, they probably won’t do much of anything, not because they don’t care, but because they will assume that if you don’t ask, someone else is helping you. Your FourSquare friends are spending enough time with you to anticipate your needs, but when we just come and go at Mass, it’s easy to be lost in the crowd. Those who haven’t been alone and in need of help don’t know what it is like for those of us who are divorced and don’t have people immediately available to help us. As St. Paul says in the Bible, “You do not have because you do not ask.” So please don’t be shy or ashamed, speak up and give others a chance to help you.

St. Peregrine, please pray for our sister Philena. God bless you.

 

[maggiemay2u]

Has anyone been in personal contact with this young lady?

I hate reinventing fire, so I’d like to know if there has been some movement here to provide some assistance. Were I in residence close to her, I would like to visit and perhaps get an outreach started at her or a nearby parish.

 

[whatevergirl]

I am a convert to the Catholic faith (Easter 2003) from non-denominationalism and Lutheranism. I am also a divorced single parent of three. Ever since my conversion, I have felt marginalized by the parish and the Church. I feel like I have been treated as a 2nd class citizen because of my circumstances. I am divorced, I do not date, and try to live my life in accordance with Church teachings.

Last year I was diagnosed with a terminal form of cancer. I have been in and out of the hospital and continue to receive chemotherapy treatments. My medical bills are mounting. I continue to work because I am the sole bread winner and need the insurance. My parish priest and the faith formation director know of my circumstances. Yet they have not offered help of any kind except “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” Some individual parish members have helped and one visited me in the hospital.

In the meantime, I had begun to attend a Foursquare home group that was studying Focus on the Family’s “The Truth Project”. The people in this group have loved me and prayed for me. They have given me money (unsolicited, of course!) to help with the medical bills. They have called me and been my friends, and are even planning a garage sale to help defray the medical costs. They don’t treat me like a 2nd class citizen, they don’t care that I was married and divorced. They just love me as Christ told us to love.

So now I’m torn. I believe in the Church and all that she teaches. Yet in real life, day to day living in parish life, I don’t see the love and concern that you would expect from Christ’s Church. I felt excluded from the beginning, that as a single parent I had no role or place in the parish because we weren’t an “intact” family. And here this whole situation with the Foursquare folks really puts it in focus. I want to remain Catholic, but I feel marginalized in our Church. I am drawn to the Foursquare church because of the love and concern that they have shown us in this time of crisis. They don’t care that I’m divorced. They treat me as a person, not a sinner.

Right now my heath is fairly good, but the long term prognosis is less than 5 years. All the medical research that I have seen clearly says that this form of cancer has a poor prognosis. There is no cure except for taking out the tumor, and they tried to do that and failed. I’m really at a crisis of both faith and health right now.

First, I’m so sorry to hear of your pain and struggles. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I am also sorry for the way you feel your parish has not responded in the way you had hoped. I know of quite a few parishes, ours has this, that provide programs for separated or divorced people. Like a support network. I can understand why you would be gravitating to another group, but before you seek out something else, maybe look at other parishes in the area, and see if they offer what I’m talking about.

Regarding your illness, have you sought out holistic methods, or alternative medicine at all? I am a firm believer in that, blended with modern medicine. I wouldn’t think of giving you medical advice, and it’s against CAF rules anyways, but I was reading some articles on how many people have been healed of various cancers, from looking into alternative medicine.

You are in my prayers.

 

[Magicsilence]

Has anyone been in personal contact with this young lady?

I hate reinventing fire, so I’d like to know if there has been some movement here to provide some assistance. Were I in residence close to her, I would like to visit and perhaps get an outreach started at her or a nearby parish.

I tried to get in contact via PM when this thread was started, and received no response.