Divorced, still in love with him and waiting for a miracle

[gabrielledm]

I cheated on my deeply loved husband, one night stand. He immediately asked my for the divorce, and we’ve been divorced for almost 3 years.

During the first 2 1/3 years, we were on and off, we even went to a weekend activity for catholic married couples, and we end up renewing our vows, but he hadn’t forgiven me and we went apart again.

All this time I’ve been praying to get my husband back, I’d do anything for him, but there came a point where I said to myself that I couldn’t keep on living in denial, that I needed to let go of my husband and start accepting this situation.

I tried to “forget” my husband dating a wonderful man, never married, no kids, who loves me with all his heart.

Recently I had to get in touch with my exhusband due to some issues in regards to our kid (he’s the greatest father btw) and we started talking again about our feelings. He says that it’s just a matter of time, that he doesn’t hate me anymore and maybe things will change, that he longs for what we had and that it’s still an abstract idea for him to be with somebody the way he was with me.

He doesn’t tell me that he wants to get back with me straight ahead, but he doesn’t tell me otherwise, he just says that he doesn’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. It’s not loneliness because he’s been informally dating this girl for more than a year now, but he’s told me he doesn’t love her. I know he still has feelings for me, and I still love him very much too.

Which brings me to this other guy I was dating: I tried to give myself to him, but I couldn’t obviously because I love my husband, and because deep down inside I feel I should be all alone as I promised God when I got married, because a marriage is forever.

I broke up with him 22 days ago, and started reading the Bible again and feeling forgiven by God again. I want my husband to see that I’m a woman of God, that I’m repented of what I did, and that I want this marriage to continue.

But no matter what I do, it’s never enough for him, no matter what my choices are, they’re always wrong to him, and at this point I don’t know if I’m holding onto a hope that is only in my head, and at the same time I’m losing a man who really loves me and wants to be with me.

Sorry if this ended up being too long. If you’re not too tired after reading this whole thing and still have a word for me, it’d be truly appreciated…

 

[whatevergirl]

I cheated on my deeply loved husband, one night stand. He immediately asked my for the divorce, and we’ve been divorced for almost 3 years.

During the first 2 1/3 years, we were on and off, we even went to a weekend activity for catholic married couples, and we end up renewing our vows, but he hadn’t forgiven me and we went apart again.

All this time I’ve been praying to get my husband back, I’d do anything for him, but there came a point where I said to myself that I couldn’t keep on living in denial, that I needed to let go of my husband and start accepting this situation.

I tried to “forget” my husband dating a wonderful man, never married, no kids, who loves me with all his heart.

Recently I had to get in touch with my exhusband due to some issues in regards to our kid (he’s the greatest father btw) and we started talking again about our feelings. He says that it’s just a matter of time, that he doesn’t hate me anymore and maybe things will change, that he longs for what we had and that it’s still an abstract idea for him to be with somebody the way he was with me.

He doesn’t tell me that he wants to get back with me straight ahead, but he doesn’t tell me otherwise, he just says that he doesn’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. It’s not loneliness because he’s been informally dating this girl for more than a year now, but he’s told me he doesn’t love her. I know he still has feelings for me, and I still love him very much too.

Which brings me to this other guy I was dating: I tried to give myself to him, but I couldn’t obviously because I love my husband, and because deep down inside I feel I should be all alone as I promised God when I got married, because a marriage is forever.

I broke up with him 22 days ago, and started reading the Bible again and feeling forgiven by God again. I want my husband to see that I’m a woman of God, that I’m repented of what I did, and that I want this marriage to continue.

But no matter what I do, it’s never enough for him, no matter what my choices are, they’re always wrong to him, and at this point I don’t know if I’m holding onto a hope that is only in my head, and at the same time I’m losing a man who really loves me and wants to be with me.

Sorry if this ended up being too long. If you’re not too tired after reading this whole thing and still have a word for me, it’d be truly appreciated…

I’m deeply sorry for your situation…I will keep you in my prayers. While you are waiting on potentially reconciling, which sounds like it might happen, when/if your husband is open to it–have you sought out counseling for yourself? (to get at the heart of what prompted you to cheat) You might need some counseling, to make sure that you don’t succomb to such temptation again, and it might help you heal. People who ‘cheat,’ typically do so because they are not satisifed with something in their own lives, really often times, has nothing to do with the marriage, or the other spouse. I was just curious if you had sought out counseling.

My only other advice, is to keep praying and growing closer to Christ. He will direct you in what you should do next.

 

[kevinsgirl]

From your profile, you’re Catholic, so I assume your marriage was in the Catholic Church. Unless your marriage was annulled (found to be invalid), you are still married to your ex-husband and neither of you should be dating.

I understand how your husband may find it very hard to go back to being married to you, and I can also see how it might seem that nothing you do is good enough.

Here’s what I think you both need to do:

Stop dating other people. It’s certainly not fair to the other people, each other, your child, and God.

Spend more time on your child…alone or together…maybe plan some family outings.

Get counseling…both individual and together.

Talk to a priest.

Pray.

I’ll be praying for you also.

Kevinsgirl

 

[whatevergirl]

From your profile, you’re Catholic, so I assume your marriage was in the Catholic Church. Unless your marriage was annulled (found to be invalid), you are still married to your ex-husband and neither of you should be dating.

I understand how your husband may find it very hard to go back to being married to you, and I can also see how it might seem that nothing you do is good enough.

Here’s what I think you both need to do:

Stop dating other people. It’s certainly not fair to the other people, each other, your child, and God.

Spend more time on your child…alone or together…maybe plan some family outings.

Get counseling…both individual and together.

Talk to a priest.

Pray.

I’ll be praying for you also.

Kevinsgirl

agree very much w/this post

 

[gabrielledm]

God certainly has His ways to answer to one’s prayers. I never expected such an immediate response, thanks to all !!

We tried counseling. We went to see this counselor from Focus on the Family, which I know they’re not catholic but at least they don’t leave the spirituality aside as some psychiatrists/psychologists I tried. We both saw her separately for almost a year, and then he stopped going and I continued for like 1 1/2 years. She helped me see why I cheated, and I am fully aware now, so I don’t do it ever again. She was the one who started making me realize that my husband has never told me to get back, but at least I see an improvement on him now, at least he now says that he longs what we had (he didnt before).

I try to rely on God’s word. I read the Bible every day, and I keep on thinking that there’s nothing impossible for Him, that He always listens to our prayers, and that if this marriage is in His plans for us, we’ll get back together.

I have another question: what if he never wants to get back with me? Do I have to keep my promise of “till death do us part” and dedicate exclusively to live my life and be the mother of my son (no male partner I mean…)? What do you think?

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

From your profile, you’re Catholic, so I assume your marriage was in the Catholic Church. Unless your marriage was annulled (found to be invalid), you are still married to your ex-husband and neither of you should be dating.

I understand how your husband may find it very hard to go back to being married to you, and I can also see how it might seem that nothing you do is good enough.

Here’s what I think you both need to do:

Stop dating other people. It’s certainly not fair to the other people, each other, your child, and God.

Spend more time on your child…alone or together…maybe plan some family outings.

Get counseling…both individual and together.

Talk to a priest.

Pray.

I’ll be praying for you also.

Kevinsgirl

Great post. This is what I would say to you, almost word for word.

I know that you mentioned a Catholic retreat or something that you two went on. Was it Retrouvaille? That would be another suggestion.

I also wanted to point out that there are other posters here on CAF that have been in this same situation, both the cheater and the cheated and their marriage has survived. Hopefully they will come to to provide you some encouragement.

I pray that both you and you husband can forgive and forget. If nothing else to give it another chance for the sake of your child. He/she deserves that.

 

[kevinsgirl]

We tried counseling. We went to see this counselor from Focus on the Family, which I know they’re not catholic but at least they don’t leave the spirituality aside as some psychiatrists/psychologists I tried. We both saw her separately for almost a year, and then he stopped going and I continued for like 1 1/2 years. She helped me see why I cheated, and I am fully aware now, so I don’t do it ever again. She was the one who started making me realize that my husband has never told me to get back, but at least I see an improvement on him now, at least he now says that he longs what we had (he didnt before).

I have another question: what if he never wants to get back with me? Do I have to keep my promise of “till death do us part” and dedicate exclusively to live my life and be the mother of my son (no male partner I mean…)? What do you think?

I would suggest trying couple counseling together again. You mentioned that you have seen an improvement in your husband and I would recommend that you suggest that you try counseling together again.

In regards to your question–if your husband finds that he cannot get back together with you, you may want to see if there is a possibility that you may have an invalid marriage. If, however, it is determined that you have a valid marriage, then you must keep your vows to remain faithful to your husband. This means no relationships as you are still married to your husband. I know being a single mother must be very hard, so I’d encourage your ex-husband to be as involved as possible in your son’s life.

 

[gabrielledm]

It certainly was not Retrouvaille because we lived in Costa Rica, but I read about it and it seems to be the same kind of activity. Here, the catholic church in my area organizes these 2-day meetings once a year, they’re very deep, and they touch every aspect of marriage, for couples which have thought about divorce, or which carry deep sorrow or resentments, to rediscover each other and to “keep on trying” with God by their side.

 

[gabrielledm]

I would suggest trying couple counseling together again. You mentioned that you have seen an improvement in your husband and I would recommend that you suggest that you try counseling together again.

In regards to your question–if your husband finds that he cannot get back together with you, you may want to see if there is a possibility that you may have an invalid marriage. If, however, it is determined that you have a valid marriage, then you must keep your vows to remain faithful to your husband. This means no relationships as you are still married to your husband. I know being a single mother must be very hard, so I’d encourage your ex-husband to be as involved as possible in your son’s life.

Thank you. It was just a doubt I had, I really married once and to one man. I grew up with a stepfather and I don’t want my son to live with one. Besides, it’d bring me closer to God, what else can I ask for?

 

[lizaanne]

I have another question: what if he never wants to get back with me? Do I have to keep my promise of “till death do us part” and dedicate exclusively to live my life and be the mother of my son (no male partner I mean…)? What do you think?

You are considered married to him unless a Marriage Tribunal determines that the marriage was not valid at the time it occurred. For this you would need to go through the annulment process.

You have said yourself that marriage is forever and you married one man. Then why are you dating?

Yes - if your marriage is found to be valid then you will need to remain faithful to your vows of forever. This is not what I “think” - this is according to God’s law.

~Liza

 

[rpp]

First, consider submitting a petition for an annulment. The nullity process has helped many people heal after a failed marriage.

Speaking from a man’s point of view, betrayal is a very difficult thing to get over. The loss of trust can run very deep. It is often exceedingly difficult to earn back trust once it has been violated in a serious way. I suspect pleading with him, promising and so on, will not have much effect.

Focus on your children right now.

 

[gabrielledm]

You are considered married to him unless a Marriage Tribunal determines that the marriage was not valid at the time it occurred. For this you would need to go through the annulment process.

You have said yourself that marriage is forever and you married one man. Then why are you dating?

Yes - if your marriage is found to be valid then you will need to remain faithful to your vows of forever. This is not what I “think” - this is according to God’s law.

~Liza

I tried dating because there’s other people who tell me that God is forgiving, and that His anger is not forever, that what He wants is to see me happy. But now that I decided to give myself to God 100%, I’m feeling great, and I’ve discovered that this is the right thing to do.

 

[lizaanne]

I tried dating because there’s other people who tell me that God is forgiving, and that His anger is not forever, that what He wants is to see me happy. But now that I decided to give myself to God 100%, I’m feeling great, and I’ve discovered that this is the right thing to do.

Sadly those “other people” have lead you in the wrong direction. God is forgiving - but that does not mean that we continue to break His laws and hope He will continue to forgive even when we know better.

God wants us to be with Him in heaven. Period. That does not always mean we are happy on the road to get there. Many saints and martyrs can surely attest to this.

~Liza

 

[gabrielledm]

Thanks for your advice, LIZA… You gave me the words I was looking for.

Thank you all for your wise thoughts.

 

[SarahR]

Agree with all the other posters, but wanted to add that relationships aren’t what we can get from the other person (makes me happy, makes me feel loved, helps me to be a better person), it’s what we can give for them…giving sacrificially, endlessly even if they give nothing to us in return. Even if they stop being Mr. Wonderful.

Will pray for you and your situation.

Blessings–

 

[BamaRider]

Turn it over to the Lord, and live your life in is His light. Keep praying, and trust in him, and you will get your answer on what to do next.

And that could be a number of things. Your husband and child were in His plan for you, but you know in your heart a one night stand is NOT. Now things are different, you must ask for a new plan, and I can assure you, He has one. So live your life the best you can everyday, just like a orange squeeze all the goodness you can out of each and every one.

I can’t tell you for sure your husband will come back, and I can’t tell you if he does, everything will be as before. I don’t know. Losing him might be the cross you must bear, as a result of what happened, if so, God will give you strength because he never makes our burdens more then we can carry.

Then again, your husband may come back, and in a few years, things are good. No one knows. In the meantime you pray, and life your life correctly, and take comfort you have turned it over to the Lord, and His will be done.

 

[Robaynne]

Isaiah 54

The Future Glory of Zion

1 “Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the LORD.

2 "Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.

3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.

4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will build you with stones of turquoise, [a]
your foundations with sapphires. **

12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.

13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be your children’s peace.

14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.

15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.**