Divorced Women

[thewanderer]

Leaving everything else in the thread aside, I am confused as to how a Catholic pursues a romantic relationship with no intention of getting married. To what end? What are you seeking that can’t be had from friendship, if you refuse to marry? I am sincerely perplexed trying to figure this out. It seems slightly cruel, because I think the women may get their hopes up that the relationship will “work out” in the end, i.e. result in marriage; you can say things up front but advice columns are full of letters from people asking what the chances are that their boyfriend/girlfriend will ever “change” and “give in” and get married.

This. Its cruel to waste someones time and get them emotionally entangled with you when you have absolutely no intention of allowing the relationship to progress. If you do not want to get married then don’t get romantically involved with other women. Seek out women for companionship and friendship all you want, but don’t go leading them on by becoming romantically involved when you have no intention of ever allowing the relationship to progress.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I feel your pain as a 43 year old lady I’ve found it very hard to find single guys who aren’t divorced and when they are never married there’s usually a really good reason (commit phobic, mental issue, narissistic, abuser, insecure and not goals or no communication skills. I get maybe 1 date a year if I’m lucky and I’m an active independent women who doesn’t consider herself too bad to look at and in decent shape though I’ll never be Kate Moss. If it helps my dad also had the same dating problem after my mom died. He waited 2 years to date and when he ventured out he found most of the women only wanted a buddy not a partner. They always told him they didn’t need anybody which he took as an insult but I told him not to take if personally they probably just had a lot a bagage and were setting some space there. He eventually met and married by stepmother 4 years after my mom died. They were introduced by mutual friends who knew my mom and dad for years. They been married about a decade now and are happy. My dad would have been right at 60 at the time. Do you have friends at church who can set you up with someone they know? Try a catholic website maybe there are ladies out there. Are you open to dating a widow? Never marrieds are hard to find especially the older you get. Prayers.

I’m 42 and know how you feel. When I did online the majority of the men who contacted me were divorced with kids or never married dads. When I met a never married man there was usually something else that prevented a connection, like lack of interest or they were afraid of getting attached. I met a great guy that I hope I date but so far he is slow to ask me out (apparently he is shy)but if he doesn’t want to go out with me (he says he does)then what? Decent never married men who want to get married are very hard to find out there and many that I found that do want much younger.

 

[quiet52]

It is a vestige of my own youth, in a large midwestern parish, that led me to be phobic of marital dissolution. I grew up with a fear and distaste of divorce.

I recognize that I am not a very good candidate for marriage. That is not a function of my age, nor of my never married state. It is more a product of my weak faith and lack of trust.

…This attitude has made it more challenging for me, as an older single man, to secure a relationship partner.

In my opening post of this thread, I expressed my realization that divorced women constituted most of my dating pool, and asked, “Among these divorced women, what qualities should I look for? Should I insist that they be Catholic?”

I have lived alone for 35 years. But being alone is not my permanent ambition.

No, I am not a marriage seeker, although I am seeking a romantic partner.

My faith commitment is insufficiently strong to believe that not seeking marriage requires I not date.

I hardly engage in dating, because I am a poor player of the dating game. The whole dating thing is mainly a conundrum to me, something of which I have poor mastery.

You consider dating to be a “game”, you don’t want to marry, but you want to “secure a relationship partner” and you want a relationship with romance???

A mature and moral view of romance would be to consider it as a stage of a relationship which helps a couple to decide to marry. Romance continues to be important during marriage. Romance implies intimacy, or the hope of deepening intimacy. You want romance without the possibility of marriage or permanent intimacy. That is selfish, OP. You seem to want the “experience” of a certain type of relationship. It is not natural to expect a woman to “be romantic” with you to fulfill your desires, with no hope of marriage. You come across as wanting to use a woman by assigning her a limited role in your life. That is objectifying the woman in that relationship. That expectation is disrespectful.

If you don’t want to be alone, then I suggest that you lay aside your expectations of romance and any relationship of permanence. Treat women as your sister-in-Christ, not as a potential “romance only” partners, not as possibilities in a “dating pool.” Be a friend. Have coffee or sandwiches together with friends, male and female. Appreciate their company and any goodness that they have as imperfect people with dignity. Join or start a Bible study group, to challenge and be challenged in the faith. Give glory to God by how you treat people in your friendships, male and female.

If you change your mind and decide you want to date and marry, then first get professional help to address your trust issues and any other issues which would impede a healthy relationship.

Being single and aging isn’t easy for most of us. What helps the most is prayer – for ourselves, and for others in the same boat.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’m 42 and know how you feel. When I did online the majority of the men who contacted me were divorced with kids or never married dads. When I met a never married man there was usually something else that prevented a connection, like lack of interest or they were afraid of getting attached. I met a great guy that I hope I date but so far he is slow to ask me out (apparently he is shy)but if he doesn’t want to go out with me (he says he does)then what? Decent never married men who want to get married are very hard to find out there and many that I found that do want much younger.

Well honestly I always say if a guy is single it’s because he wants to be weather or not he admits it to himself. If he’s too shy to take the inititive and ask you out then maybe you should move on. What kind of husband would be if he can’t even take the risk to ask you out. I used to be profoundly shy to the point I rarely spoke but even then I had some inititive. I worked my way out of shyness and just don’t except that as an excuse. He sounds more like a commitment phobic who can’t commit to a date. Like I said I would move on. If you want to take the lead in the relationship and don’t mind taking on the role you can ask him out yourself but it never worked for me so I would advise against it.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Well honestly I always say if a guy is single it’s because he wants to be weather or not he admits it to himself. If he’s too shy to take the inititive and ask you out then maybe you should move on. What kind of husband would be if he can’t even take the risk to ask you out. I used to be profoundly shy to the point I rarely spoke but even then I had some inititive. I worked my way out of shyness and just don’t except that as an excuse. He sounds more like a commitment phobic who can’t commit to a date. Like I said I would move on. If you want to take the lead in the relationship and don’t mind taking on the role you can ask him out yourself but it never worked for me so I would advise against it.

I don’t mind taking the lead but I do wonder about everything. It does scare me because the choices out there are very slim and since I am really only open to dating never married (unless an annulled or widowed man is special)it limits me. I don’t think he is a commitment phobe, just scared.