Divorcing parents

[LongingSoul]

Your Mum is possibly experiencing her own crisis. A midlife crisis is often triggered by a death or accident to someone close to them. Don’t underestimate the degree of internal turmoil it can cause.

Just from the objective facts you have given, she seems to have had a busy hardworking life with a lot of responsibilities and a lot of hurtful marriage experiences. It can be hard not to fall into bitterness when you realise that a lot of your lifetime efforts seem for little outcome. Especially regarding the marriage relationship.

It’s not possible to really have any specific advice for you since we can’t know the intricate details of your parents marriage, but I would say try not to be too judgemental of your mother or father. Either to harsh or too lenient. I think you said your mother is already in counselling so try and encourage your father to get some objective expert help as well.

Best of luck with everything.

 

[Xantippe]

I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut and I do feel more anger with regards to my Mom because I feel sorry for my Dad. He isn’t perfect and has apologized for his mistakes.

If it’s 30 years of mistakes and resentment, it’s very difficult to make that up in just 5 months.

I feel like my Mom thinks she has nothing to fix about herself and that it is all my Dad’s fault. SHe said as much to his doctors-that it was all on him. I feel badly for her too, I get that not having someone emotionally supportive in your life can be exhausting-I just don’t understand why she has to be so hateful to him and anyone who doesn’t 100% agree with her. I support time apart, I think they both have things they need to work on as individuals and then as a couple but throwing the past in my dad’s face is not right. She has been brining up things from 30 years ago, things he did as a dumb 19 year old new dad, things he has apologized for already, things that God has forgiven after my Dad’s baptism when I was 16 years old. My Mom told me that all his sins were washed away by God and that we must also forgive and forget his past-and yet here she is, 9 years later throwing that past in his face. It just really makes me sad and at times I feel that something else is going on with My Mom. She is pushing for divorce, in such an aggressive, I want it now kind of way and it baffles me. The Church allows for legal separation as a way to ensure financial stability and establish visitation etc. and it doesn’t go against the vows they took. Its not an attempt to break something God joined together while divorce is.

**It’s very unlikely that your mom is going to be off chasing men at her age. She’s going to be just as married after divorce as she was before the divorce, so I wouldn’t put a huge amount of weight on that particular piece of paper. People get remarried to former spouses all the time.

If you can forgive your dad’s suicide attempt, you should be able just as much to forgive your mom’s midlife crisis. Also, it doesn’t sound like she has anything emotionally to give your dad right now, so it’s very unfair to lean on her and demand that she do more for your dad. Both your parents seem to be very wounded people.

You might be able to (in all honesty) tell her something like, I understand that you need some time off from dealing with dad, and I hope that after you’ve had some space that you’ll be able to do marriage counseling and learn to have a better relationship with dad. No matter what happens, you’re going to need to have a working relationship with dad, because you have at least 17 years of co-parenting ahead of you. Divorcing dad is not going to change that.
**

This whole thing is just tearing me apart. I love my parents and I want them to be healthy and whole individuals but I can’t support jumping straight to divorce no matter who is pushing for it. I feel like she expects me to support her decision 100% and I can’t.
One of the reasons I haven’t said too much negative about my father is because I have chosen to let go of his past and focus on helping him improve himself and connect with him in a way that leads him closer to my and my family and to God. I truly beleive that he has changed and that his suicide attempt has opened his eyes to many new things. When I speak with him I feel that he listens.

That’s great.

If I disagree with him he respects that instead of hanging up on me and refusing to take my calls. He isn’t perfect and I feel that he could try harder but his pride or fear (or both) is stopping him. He feels betrayed and unloved and I am trying to counter that so that he doesn’t give up on trying to better himself.
My husband and I along with my Dad’s Mother are trying to help him try harder so that if all else fails he can say he gave it everything he had, but it is hard to convivnce him to go that extra mile when the person we are trying to get him to go to is treating him with such cruelty and indifference. I just wish I could get my Mom to calm down and put her anger aside long enough to listen instead of hanging up when she hears something she doesn’t like.

Give her some space, but reach out to her from time to time.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am sorry you are going through this. However, this is what came to mind.

The impression I got from your first post was your dad mistreated your mom in the past. (just because he never hit her does NOT mean he wasn’t abusive). Now that you dad is at a low point (recent suicide attempt), it sounds to me like all the anger your mom had to kept to herself for years is finally coming because she is no longer scared of your dad.

So perhaps from where you are sitting, this is all of a sudden your mom wants a divorce, but from where your mom is sitting, finally, the opportunity she has been waiting for years for.

Also, as much as it hurts, you need to look at YOUR control issue. Wishing your mom would listen ? It sounds like she wishes her daughter would listen. I am not saying she is right and you are wrong, but if your mom feels she is not being token seriously, her only recourse is to hang up.

Not to mention that when someone like your mom spent a lot of time trying to build a business that did not succeed, it is natural to want to keep trying rather than throw all those years of work aside. Being told by someone to sell your business when you have no other work experience is scary. Business owner’s don’t have a resume with previous experience to help them sell themselves to a prospective employer. All they have as credentials is ‘Work a business for 30 years that failed’. Of course she wants to make her business work.

Honestly you also need to keep in mind, your mom is NOT your peer. Being told the truth is hard enough, but to hear it from a child is not what any parent wants.

Also, your mom is probably remembering when you were a kid, all the things she did to protect your from your dad and now you take her side. Quite the slap in the face to her

so, to recap, I am sorry you are going through this. And you have a right to your opinion, but you can not control and need to accept whatever choices your parents make

Angie

 

[schaeffer]

My husband divorced me after 27 years of marriage due to my mental illness. I was in treatment through out the marriage.

I accept that it was very difficult for him. I know what it is to live with mental illness and I would have divorced myself from it if I was able. But I can’t, he could. he did.

Our children were young adults, late teens at the time.

I did not want the children to feel they had to choose sides etc and I didn’t discuss it with them.

I have no idea if this is true in your situation, but in my case, my mental illness left me in an extremely vulnerable position when it came to divorce. My ex had a good job, I had stayed home and taken care of the children. He has an advanced degree. I could only work very low paying jobs.

He could afford a good lawyer, I could not. I lost health insurance and had no access to my mental health support and was trying to navigate that on my own.

I lost everything. I ended up homeless.

If nothing else, please encourage your father to have a lawyer look over the papers before he signs anything, and look over them yourself as well. My lawyer didn’t do well for me, but I was too messed up at the time to see this. He did not protect me and I have continued to pay for it dearly.

I understand my husband’s choice to move on with his life and happiness, and he has done so. But he could have done so while being fair to me and the real contribution I had put into our marriage, assets and his degree. it is one thing to divorce someone that you truly cannot live with, but it is another to leave a sick person with nothing, even if you hold anger and resentment.

I agree with others, stay out of trying to talk one into this or that, but if your father’s mental issues affect his cognitive abilities at this time, please help him get good legal councel and make sure his basic needs are met. I was too ashamed to let my children know I was homeless.