DNA test

[eucharisteo]

I took a bunch of hair from a brush to have it tested against my DNA. I’m trying to find out whether or not a woman is my half sister. She says she doesn’t want to know. But since she is one of my closest living relatives as a “stepsister” I’d like to know for sure and just keep it to myself. Long story short: I was told by my dad that she is actually his biological daughter. My oldest brother died and the only living blood brother is basically an idiot, but I love him. I love my sister very much and at one time I was always told she was my half sister. I feel I have a right to know for reasons I won’t disclose other than it seems like the right thing to do.

Anybody have any comments on this, please be charitable because this is a very sensitive issue to me. I feel all alone in the world and would like to know I have someone real, blood related, to share things with when the going gets tough. I’d like to know just how far or how close I mean we really are genetically for peace of mind to rule out that my dad lied to to me. She would have been included in a will had this been known for sure. When I asked her she nearly cried because she said I don’t want to know because it would have meant I missed out on my real dad. I told her that she got the best he had to offer and that we got the rest of it which was a nightmare. I told her my need to know and hope that one day she would do the test with me so I at least can know.

 

[TheQuestioner]

I took a bunch of hair from a brush to have it tested against my DNA. I’m trying to find out whether or not a woman is my half sister. She says she doesn’t want to know. But since she is one of my closest living relatives as a “stepsister” I’d like to know for sure and just keep it to myself. Long story short: I was told by my dad that she is actually his biological daughter. My oldest brother died and the only living blood brother is basically an idiot, but I love him. I love my sister very much and at one time I was always told she was my half sister. I feel I have a right to know for reasons I won’t disclose other than it seems like the right thing to do.

Anybody have any comments on this, please be charitable because this is a very sensitive issue to me. I feel all alone in the world and would like to know I have someone real, blood related, to share things with when the going gets tough. I’d like to know just how far or how close I mean we really are genetically for peace of mind to rule out that my dad lied to to me. She would have been included in a will had this been known for sure. When I asked her she nearly cried because she said I don’t want to know because it would have meant I missed out on my real dad. I told her that she got the best he had to offer and that we got the rest of it which was a nightmare. I told her my need to know and hope that one day she would do the test with me so I at least can know.

Would finding out she was not your half sister make her any less a family member? Are you behaving prudently? Does this need to come to light, and are your worries warranted? Ask yourself these questions.

 

[Annabelle_Marie]

I don’t have any comments on this as it is hard to give it unless you have a similiar situation. I just want you to know that I will pray for you and this woman…and for God’s will in this situation.

 

[eucharisteo]

Having been lied to most of my life, I’d like to sift through one more lie and discover the truth behind it. I want to know. My dad divorced her mother when she was 6. I have always been the big brother but was booted out when I was 16 because of my dad. We lived a messed up life. She endures a lot of trash from the man that says he’s her father now. It was like someone saying one day she is now not your sister and it hurt me. I always believed she was my sister and now the people are telling me the opposite. I feel that I need to know at least some trust issues for personal comfort sake if possible. If it is possible I will feel justified with the relationship we have and that I have a right to that relationship. That means they can not take that away from me even if they have taken everything else away. I would only tell her if she wants to know and after her mother passes unless she can swear upon a pile of bibles that she won’t tell her mom. My life has been worse than a soap opera, which is why I loath soaps. Suicide, adoptions, being legally cut out of wills, etc. She may be my only living relative next to a biological brother that another rumor has surfaced. Blame that on my messed up parents, one Catholic the other anti-Catholic. Life’s been very difficult for me. If she turns out to be my biological sister I would feel better doing something big for her that she deserves and that I would not feel like an idiot for doing because it would look normal and not obsessive. If she is not then I will scale back the help I want to give so as not to cause some sort o.f scandalous suspicion that is prone in the families we come from. On of our step sisters is in jail and has accused everyone except me for sexual misconduct, which surprised everyone. Some of it is true from one stepbrother’s own admission. I’ve kept that to myself because it is not pertinent to how or why she ended up in jail.

 

[Auriel]

Having been lied to most of my life, I’d like to sift through one more lie and discover the truth behind it. I want to know. My dad divorced her mother when she was 6. I have always been the big brother but was booted out when I was 16 because of my dad. We lived a messed up life. She endures a lot of trash from the man that says he’s her father now. It was like someone saying one day she is now not your sister and it hurt me. I always believed she was my sister and now the people are telling me the opposite. I feel that I need to know at least some trust issues for personal comfort sake if possible. If it is possible I will feel justified with the relationship we have and that I have a right to that relationship. That means they can not take that away from me even if they have taken everything else away. I would only tell her if she wants to know and after her mother passes unless she can swear upon a pile of bibles that she won’t tell her mom. My life has been worse than a soap opera, which is why I loath soaps. Suicide, adoptions, being legally cut out of wills, etc. She may be my only living relative next to a biological brother that another rumor has surfaced. Blame that on my messed up parents, one Catholic the other anti-Catholic. Life’s been very difficult for me. If she turns out to be my biological sister I would feel better doing something big for her that she deserves and that I would not feel like an idiot for doing because it would look normal and not obsessive. If she is not then I will scale back the help I want to give so as not to cause some sort o.f scandalous suspicion that is prone in the families we come from. On of our step sisters is in jail and has accused everyone except me for sexual misconduct, which surprised everyone. Some of it is true from one stepbrother’s own admission. I’ve kept that to myself because it is not pertinent to how or why she ended up in jail.

You said:

If it is possible I will feel justified with the relationship we have and that I have a right to that relationship.

Just remember, you are an adult and do not have to justify having a strong sister bond or relationship to anyone… And sometimes family isn’t always blood related.

If you could handle her not being blood related then I see no problem with it. But she isn’t ready to know by your own admission. I would not even tell her that you did the test.

I do understand n a way what you mean about feeling alone. A long lost relative found us not long ago, feeling that very same way. And cried when my sister and I sent pics because we remind that person of all those who have gone.

I lost more relatives this year than I have in my entire lifetime…and lots of secrets came out. Will not go into details but I lost my identity and trust me, that can be very shocking. So in a way I see her side of it too. In my case, looking back I would have wanted to know. But we are all different and some are more resilient than others.

All the best to you. And I hope you find peace.

 

[excubitor]

I am not sure what the legalities of obtaining a DNA test without the consent of the individual being tested. In the UK section 46 Human Tissue Act 2004 it states that it is an offence to possess without appropriate consent any human bodily material with the intent of analyzing its DNA.

Morally I think that it is a highly suspect action to do this without the persons consent and I would strongly advise against it.

Jesus actually said something very liberating for individuals with dysfunctional families. He said "Matthew 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

What this is saying is that when we become Catholics, the church actually becomes our true family, and especially those in the church who are excellent examples of the faith.

So I would get a long way away from this situation. It screams “unhealthy” to me. I would start considering the members of your local parish to be your family. Go to daily mass if possible. Go to all the activities of the church. Go to the scripture studies and also I would recommend getting involved in a good catholic cause like the anti-abortion issue. Make sure you say morning and evening prayers and certainly go to mass every Sunday.

The reality is that your flesh and blood family has failed you. Why should this issue of “flesh and blood” loom so enormous in your thinking? The scripture calls us to not be men of the flesh but to be men of the Spirit. When our Spiritual family looms large in our thinking then we are strengthened.

The church family is not just made up by the people in the local parish, but also by the Church herself as our mother. Mother Mary and all the Saints. It is a wonderful family which will not let you down.

 

[eucharisteo]

I would definitly keep it to myself to respect her wishes. But I would feel that she is still a sister and that is how I treat her now. I really want to know. I was treated very odd by my blood family for being closer to them than my own blood relatives. Long story short. I’m still much closer to them and they are Southern Baptists, which I why I chose to post it hear to get a spread of opinions. I too lost many family members within a very short period of time. One day when she is ready, should I discover she is my relative I may want to step in as a blood relative to let her know genetic issues within my bloodline if she is in fact a blood sister. That mean’s here children are also my blood nephew and niece. That means a lot to me because my deceased brother’s children treat me like a friendly roach. Their mom will have nothing to do with me. Why? Very dumb, snobbery. My youngest living brother has no wife or children. And the pain my sister and I went through growing up was quite unreasonable for anyone to endure. The soaps continue even to this day…except me. I chose to give my life to Christ a long time ago and forgo all the sinful ways of this world the best I possibly can do.

 

[eucharisteo]

If I discovered she was right and only stepsister then all is well. If I discover she is my real sister then, in spite the legalities of it, I feel I do have a right to this knowledge in spite of her wishes. I don’t want to seek a court ruling to force it upon her to discover the truth about it. In one way I’d be overjoyed that she is my flesh and blood. But on the other hand I’d be relieved because if she is flesh and blood she might be genetically predisposed to hurt me. This is a private matter not to be discussed with anyone else. Things have happened that have imprisoned me. I want to know what to do with that information after I discover the truth. The way I treat her will not be any different. But the way I view her might be. My children, because of our conversion to Catholicism, need their own family that is not guilty of proselytizing them. They would be drawn more to blood cousins than situational cousins. If something happens to my wife and me I would like to know if she is my real sister so I can place our children to her care. My wife’s family as well as the majority of mine would not respect our wishes for them to be raised Catholic. This sister does respect my wishes. Does that help a bit more?

 

[Auriel]

In my state people get DNA tests all the time. You can even pay people to come to your home and give it. So I suppose laws vary for each state. Court ordered are much more formal of course. .

You don’t have to convince me of the why’s. You have to convince yourself.

And TBH the health background is a very valid point. I had no clue what ran in the other branch of my family. Now that I know, there is one I really need to be on watch for.

And I think it is cool she would raise your kids according to your wishes.

 

[Sam_777]

How that DNA test works?

• If the mother did not commit adultery and conceived a child called “Child A”.
• If the mother committed adultery with man B and conceived a “Child B”.
• If the mother committed adultery with man C and conceived a “Child C”.

Then can the DNA test be done without the DNA of the fathers?, I mean can “Child A” know that “Child B” and “Child C” ARE from his/her mother BUT not from the same father?

 

[Auriel]

How that DNA test works?

• If the mother did not commit adultery and conceived a child called “Child A”.
• If the mother committed adultery with man B and conceived a “Child B”.
• If the mother committed adultery with man C and conceived a “Child C”.

Then can the DNA test be done without the DNA of the fathers?, I mean can “Child A” know that “Child B” and “Child C” ARE from his/her mother BUT not from the same father?

I was under the impression that eucharisteo is a male. The genetic markers between father and son are very close.

There are sibling DNA tests now that are not as close as mother to child, but do give an index. The higher the index, the more likely they are siblings. There is also a half siblingship index to check if they share just one parent. And if I am not mistaken, if there is a 3rd sibling who will join in the testing, it makes the results even more accurate. It s not 100%, however if the index is less than 1.00 they will know they are not siblings.

 

[eucharisteo]

Edited to insert here that I am a man, 49 now.

There are physical signs to me that she could very well be my sister, which is why I am inclined to test, just to verify. Even my stepmother told me she was Franks at one point. My dad was convinced of it and treated as such, until the divorce when I was a teen and see was around 6. I do not want to cause her any pain, but it is obviously buried within her because she misses [our] dad very much. I believe she is suppressing her own desires to know right now out of fear to discover she missed out on his life. I assured her that she got the best of him and that he was horrible to me, cutting me off.

Dad was a violent alcoholic and went into near binge drinking when I came around and then became very violent towards me and then other family. This is one of the main reasons I decided to join the Army, just to get away and figure out the rest of my life without his constant interference and abuse. He punched me in the chest one night while I was defending my grandmother, who called me to help. He’s never hit me before. I was 23 at the time and that was the eye opening moment that caused me to go to the country, where my step family lives, a safe haven for me. That is why I consider them my real family to this day. I refuse to visit my father’s sisters, my aunts, because they are equally screwed up and always try to recall old memories I want to leave behind. I believe they are seriously mentally ill with some sort of major depression that they refuse to get medical attention to help. It destroyed their own lives and their children’s lives, most all of them who have left the Catholic faith.

Having grown up in the midst of seemingly perpetual lies I have a deep sense to know something that I can find the truth about. Dad told me he was the ricipient of a bronze star in Vietnam, I embarrassingly told the paper that and it was printed as such. I later showed his DD214 to a Vietnam Veteran, commander, who told me he didn’t see it on there. Later I contacted his old commander who also told me the same thing, that he did not receive the award. Mom and dad are guilty of lying to us all throughout our entire life. I don’t know what is honestly truth or lies anymore. So my life is in ruins and I want to know one thing that may bring some kind of closure to my life that they can no longer lie to me about now that mom and dad, divorced 45 years ago, are either in heaven or hell [hopefully purgatory]. I pray for them all the time, but I assure you it is not an easy thing to do because they are at the root of my older brothers suicide.

 

[Verdad]

May I share my experience with you? My sister and I had been taught for most of our lives that we were half sisters. There are just the two of us and she is older than me. We are both women. At one point our mother felt that she was near death and gave my sister a letter saying that she was also our father’s daughter. After Mom’s crisis was over, she denied what she had written. It was a very unkind thing to do because being our father’s daughter meant more than I can tell you to my sister. I think that Mom just didn’t want to live with the embarrassment of admitting what she had denied all of her live. Very sad.

Our parents are both dead now. We have very good reason to believe that we are blood sisters. At one point, we discussed trying to get a DNA test done. We are sisters in our hearts and love each other deeply. I would have liked to have known but I realized that was a selfish desire of mine which really served no purpose. My sister doesn’t want to find out, once again, that the bond isn’t what she believes and wants it to be. Love is the key. Love is stronger than blood. Some siblings never have a bond as close as ours. That is all that matters.

 

[eucharisteo]

May I share my experience with you? My sister and I had been taught for most of our lives that we were half sisters. There are just the two of us and she is older than me. We are both women. At one point our mother felt that she was near death and gave my sister a letter saying that she was also our father’s daughter. After Mom’s crisis was over, she denied what she had written. It was a very unkind thing to do because being our father’s daughter meant more than I can tell you to my sister. I think that Mom just didn’t want to live with the embarrassment of admitting what she had denied all of her live. Very sad.

Our parents are both dead now. We have very good reason to believe that we are blood sisters. At one point, we discussed trying to get a DNA test done. We are sisters in our hearts and love each other deeply. I would have liked to have known but I realized that was a selfish desire of mine which really served no purpose. My sister doesn’t want to find out, once again, that the bond isn’t what she believes and wants it to be. Love is the key. Love is stronger than blood. Some siblings never have a bond as close as ours. That is all that matters.

I understand your feelings on the matter. But my desire to konw goes much deeper than that. If my wife and I both pass away before our children reach the age of legally going on their own, my wife’s family is most likely to not only be given guardianship over our children but will fight to “save their souls” from going to eternal damnation. The are members of the Church of Christ, a very hard core fundamentalist evangelical faith that is very guilty of proselytizing others, even though they may deny it, which is simply not true. They believe they are saving souls and will do most anything within legal limits to save someone. In their minds it will be sincere I believe. But after living through that faith much of my life and experiencing the poverty in other similar faiths, I am most interested in finding a blood relative that will not proselytize them and actually support them in their Catholic faith. She respects our Catholic faith because she was exposed to it growing up. This weekend she even offered to say a rosary with our children and I told them that prayers from the heart are perfectly fine. I also evangelized her by teaching her that even when we say memorized prayers we are to say them from our hearts as well to draw us closer to Jesus. She has never said anything offensive to me about Catholicism even when I professed to be a member of the Church of Christ, a Protestant faith that denies they are a denomination or a Protestant faith, but rather that they are “The One True Church that Christ Founded on the day of Pentecost”. It’s interesting to see how they do it but became obvious to me that it wasn’t true in light of discovering the writing of ancient Christian leaders known as the ancient church fathers or patristic fathers or desert fathers, depending on various variables.

I would never tell someone that it is “Selfish of them to want to know who their real father or sibling is”. That is just twisted my friend and though it works for you it does not work for me.

 

[Verdad]

I would never tell someone that it is “Selfish of them to want to know who their real father or sibling is”. That is just twisted my friend and though it works for you it does not work for me.

I didn’t say that, nor would I, so please don’t call me twisted. My sister is the one who doesn’t want to know for sure. That is her choice and I respect it.

As for your children, I certainly do see your point. I have one suggestion. Tie your children up along with the rest of your belongings with a living trust. It is like a will but nearly impossible to break. What you say you want is what happens if something happens to you and your wife. Along with the trust there is a trust attorney who will step in and see that everything goes as you want it to if you die. It is definitely more pricey than a do it yourself will but it should take care of your problem. Wills are easy to circumvent but not a living trust.

 

[rayne89]

I am adopted, I don’t know any biological relatives except the daughter I gave birth too. I grew up not being told I was adopted and found out by accident when looking for my birth certificate to get my marriage license at 18 years of age. I found papers that discussed my adoption. Not the best way to find out -but I recovered.

I grew up with a sister who passed away when I was 13. She is not biologically related to me, neither are my parents. Biology to me is highly over rated. Some people who have biological relations have a harder time with things like adopted siblings, children -relatives that don’t share biology. Since I grew up thinking I was biologically related to my family and later found out I was not, it really made me realize being genetically related to people doesn’t change how much you love or care about them. Biological family can still inflict horrible things on members of the family as you have experienced and non-biological family can be better “family” to people than those related by blood at sometimes.

My sister will always be my sister even though we share no genetics. A genetic test will not fill the hole left in you by the broken up bringing you received. Maybe you’re clinging to something to make things “real” for you after so much confusion and distrust from family dishonesty. You don’t need genes to be close to your sister, these are choices of the will, you can make them without a test. You can decide who is family to you and who is not.

You certainly can have the test done, and ofcourse respect your sister no wanting know. But I don’t feel the test will give the peace you are seeking. Pray for God to give you peace. Sometime it takes time but it will come. Only God can truly fill the holes in our lives.

 

[eucharisteo]

I apologize. That’s really just the way I talk sometimes.
Your advice is very welcome. Thanks I will look into a living trust. That sounds great and may solve my problems as you say.

 

[Sam_777]

Sam_777;6747256:

How that DNA test works?

• If the mother did not commit adultery and conceived a child called “Child A”.
• If the mother committed adultery with man B and conceived a “Child B”.
• If the mother committed adultery with man C and conceived a “Child C”.

Then can the DNA test be done without the DNA of the fathers?, I mean can “Child A” know that “Child B” and “Child C” ARE

from his/her mother BUT not from the same father?

I was under the impression that eucharisteo is a male. The genetic markers between father and son are very close.

There are sibling DNA tests now that are not as close as mother to child, but do give an index. The higher the index, the more likely they are siblings. There is also a half siblingship index to check if they share just one parent. And if I am not mistaken, if there is a 3rd sibling who will join in the testing, it makes the results even more accurate. It s not 100%, however if the index is less than 1.00 they will know they are not siblings.

If that is not 100% accurate, then I think it’s illogical to perform such test…
Because for just 1% error, that might destroy a whole family…

 

[eucharisteo]

If that is not 100% accurate, then I think it’s illogical to perform such test…
Because for just 1% error, that might destroy a whole family…

After doing some reading, I’m not sure the test will even be accurate enough or even allowed considering the limitations of the science involved. If I perform the test like this at all then I would never tell my sister. Trust me we have deeper darker secrets that do not need to be exposed.

What’s really bazaar is that while growing up somehow I was convinced we were the perfect all American family. It goes to show you that perception is based on experience. Admitting this aspect of my life was crushing. Just to give an example of what’s happened to my family. After my step mom left my dad, he had me paint the house for a $1 per hour. It was very hard work not having any experience doing this. I did a good job though. During the second six week session of my sophemore year he moved me to the country to live with my step mom. He lied to me and made it sound like we were all going to live together as a family in the country near her family. What I discovered later on really hurt. He dumped me onto her and left for out of state where he met a divorced woman and over a period of time I began to suspect he was having an affair. Remember, this is right after he put my blood brother and I into a priest one on one CCD preparation for first communion.

I moved back to where we had lived over the summer and that was the best part of the situation because that’s how I ended up getting to go to Steubenville, OH for the youth retreats from 1977 to 1980. One of those years was in Bloomington, Indiana, for an ecumenical youth retreat where I had a major encounter with Christ and ultimately I dedicated my life to Christ. You see our protestant brothers and sister have much to offer. I’m happy to see much of those methods for youth implemented in our Catholic Youth programs now. The overly emotional teen events have a major impact on our youth. I firmly believe that parents should open their children to these events for the sake of strengthening their faith and helping them reach the kind of experience most likely to draw their children closer to Christ.

So, this is where I received a calling to the priesthood. But later on, because of the clergy scandals combined with my family problems I ultimately bowed out. God gave me a new vocation that came very clear to me in 1989. My wife and I have been married for 21 years this summer.

This issue with my current situation is motivated by love and desire to know the truth and to seal the fate of my children if something tragic would ever happen. But I won’t jepardize our relationship without making it clear my motives first and if I did this in secret it would not be a definitive answer without further testing. I did ask for her to voluntarily do this with me, but she broke out in tears indicating her grief of maybe suspecting the same thing but the tragedy of missing out on our dad being in fact our dad hurt too much to continue. I backed out of it for her sake. I’m making sure that after her mom, my step mom, passes away I have some way of knowing. If something happens to her, I at least have this to discover the truth one day, maybe.

For those of you who are adopted, you may understand this craving. It may not seem rational to those fighting the deeply rooted desire to know our true parents. This, I believe, is the same desire God places in all of us to desire to know Him. I find it offensive that anyone would try to say what I want is either selfish or whatever. God placed a desire in my heart to know where I come from, to know Him, to know my family. He created this intricate neurological system. My parents have lied to me so much that I can’t imagine why people don’t understand the desire to know unless they have a propensity towards being a sociopath. Indifference is the kind of thing that leads to serious sin. So in light of how I see this I will never understand the views taking a hard line against doing this test. It’s the makings of a dramatic movie it seems.

 

[Verdad]

I apologize. That’s really just the way I talk sometimes.
Your advice is very welcome. Thanks I will look into a living trust. That sounds great and may solve my problems as you say.

That’s OK. I understand that this is a very emotional situation for you and I can see why it would be. Our children and the futrue of their spirituality if we are not there to guide them, is a disturbing thought. Especially if we feel that they will be led in a direction that we would not want them to go. I would feel the same way. Good Luck and prayers.