Do all these people really cheat?

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FullOfThought

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After reading so many articles and reading this forum, I can’t help but notice that a huge number of people admit to cheating or have had this happen to them… I find it so hard to believe that this many people struggle with this problem. I don’t understand it at all. I decided to see if anybody would answer this poll to see if this problem is as popular as it seems.

What can we do to prevent this happening? Lock myself and my husband up forever?
 
FullOfThought said:
After reading so many articles and reading this forum, I can’t help but notice that a huge number of people admit to cheating or have had this happen to them… I find it so hard to believe that this many people struggle with this problem. I don’t understand it at all. I decided to see if anybody would answer this poll to see if this problem is as popular as it seems.

What can we do to prevent this happening? Lock myself and my husband up forever?
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People remember the few planes that crash but forget the millions that don’t because you don’t hear about those. Whilst there are lots of couples who have had such issues, remember there are many, many more couples that you’re not hearing about who haven’t.
 
PerfectTiming said:
People remember the few planes that crash but forget the millions that don’t because you don’t hear about those. Whilst there are lots of couples who have had such issues, remember there are many, many more couples that you’re not hearing about who haven’t.
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Yeah exactly. People turn to the Internet to post some pretty intimate things because of the anonymity factor. And in almost every case in this forum, the question is over something at least somewhat serious or controversial. I would be pretty odd to see a thread like: “My husband doesn’t cheat on me and is a pretty swell guy but could use some improvement. Please help!”

As to the greater substance of your question, while I doubt there’s more than say, 25% of married couples that have dealt with full-on adultery with other people, I do really believe that there’s a ton of pornography use out there both inside and outside the Catholic community. It’s just pervasive these days. That kind of activity certainly doesn’t constitute staying faithful to the vows of marriage but I don’t know that it constitutes cheating in the sense you mean.
 
At least among the people around me, it’s rampant. I’ve been married three times. Both former husbands cheated on me. I cheated on my last husband after I found out about his girlfriends (wrong yes; I see that now). I’m praying daily this husband doesn’t cheat. It’s unbelievable the damage affairs do, even long after.
 
I think emotional infidelity is a bigger issue today. It’s the path that leads to physical infidelity.

Purely observation/speculation on my part, but I think western cultural has opened an easier path for women toward emotional infidelity over the last 50 years. Not that men aren’t culpable in the problem, it just seems with the constant barrage/message I see coming from media, movies, literature, etc, focused at women, that may seem a desirable path when confronted with challenges in a marriage.

I live this every day with my wife. She can’t give her heart to me fully because somewhere she believes there is a person out there she will have “chemistry” with. She has had at least one emotional affair that I am aware of. She exchanged several inappropriate emails with this person after basically knowing them the sum total of 3 or 4 hours! Now it is burden I have to carry for my snooping. I have forgiven her. I just want us to move forward together in our marriage.

Also when I say men our culpable, I think western culture has destroyed the word commitment. Many married men I’ve known (I would not call them friends) over the years would have a physical affair given the opportunity.

I grew up at the tail end of the baby boom. I can tell you the “if it feels good, do it” attitude was something I had to fight hard to destroy in my life. The depth of selfishness in that attitude is mind-boggling and how we let our society get there today is equally mind-boggling.
 
The following is going to sound like a tangent, but I think it’s inextricably related -

No one knows how to be married. Well, almost no one. Everyone gets all worked up about sex (or lack thereof) inside and outside of marriage, in the media, in schools, etc., but while everyone is all worked up about sex, no one is talking about relationships. “No problem!” you say. “Everyone has examples of healthy relationships to look to - just look at your parents!”

Well, most people are in a position where they can’t even look to their parents as an example. Besides, even if your parents have a healthy marriage, that doesn’t mean that their marriage is anything that would work for you. So what else do we have as an example of a healthy relationship? The media! Lots of great examples there - 1950’s Disney movies (or, frankly, most modern romantic comedies) with 2-dimensional princesses that accept abusive behavior with a smile and wait for a prince to solve all their problems. Or Twilight - that’s a great one. Inexplicable devotion to an emotionally abusive vampire. Or the usual lesson that choosing infatuation (and calling it “love”) in the face of all the circumstancial red flags that would deter most normal, sensible people. (So what if he’s in jail? I love him!)

And then on the other extreme, we have a constant reminder that “marriage is sacrifice; marriage is sacred; marriage is forever.” Okay - great. Do you realize how easy domestic abuse becomes when one partner espouses that viewpoint … and the other spouse knows it?

My point - rampant cheating is bad enough in itself because of all the pain it leaves in its wake. But it is a symptom of a much deeper, more corrosive problem - mass emotional and relationship illiteracy. If we fix that problem, all the arguments about sex will be seen for what they are - petty squabbling.
 
Saturn5 said:
I think emotional infidelity is a bigger issue today. It’s the path that leads to physical infidelity.

Purely observation/speculation on my part, but I think western cultural has opened an easier path for women toward emotional infidelity over the last 50 years. Not that men aren’t culpable in the problem, it just seems with the constant barrage/message I see coming from media, movies, literature, etc, focused at women, that may seem a desirable path when confronted with challenges in a marriage.

I live this every day with my wife. She can’t give her heart to me fully because somewhere she believes there is a person out there she will have “chemistry” with. She has had at least one emotional affair that I am aware of. She exchanged several inappropriate emails with this person after basically knowing them the sum total of 3 or 4 hours! Now it is burden I have to carry for my snooping. I have forgiven her. I just want us to move forward together in our marriage.

Also when I say men our culpable, I think western culture has destroyed the word commitment. Many married men I’ve known (I would not call them friends) over the years would have a physical affair given the opportunity.

I grew up at the tail end of the baby boom. I can tell you the “if it feels good, do it” attitude was something I had to fight hard to destroy in my life. The depth of selfishness in that attitude is mind-boggling and how we let our society get there today is equally mind-boggling.
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absolutely right. I think it’s easier for some women to have emotional affairs. I still kept in touch with an ex after I got married. That in itself is not bad but our phone calls and letters… it’s horible. All because our first year of marriage was a little rocky and i wanted someone “understanding.” I came clean to my husband but it’s something I will always be ashamed of.
 
AthenaC said:
The following is going to sound like a tangent, but I think it’s inextricably related -

No one knows how to be married. Well, almost no one. Everyone gets all worked up about sex (or lack thereof) inside and outside of marriage, in the media, in schools, etc., but while everyone is all worked up about sex, no one is talking about relationships. “No problem!” you say. “Everyone has examples of healthy relationships to look to - just look at your parents!”

Well, most people are in a position where they can’t even look to their parents as an example. Besides, even if your parents have a healthy marriage, that doesn’t mean that their marriage is anything that would work for you. So what else do we have as an example of a healthy relationship? The media! Lots of great examples there - 1950’s Disney movies (or, frankly, most modern romantic comedies) with 2-dimensional princesses that accept abusive behavior with a smile and wait for a prince to solve all their problems. Or Twilight - that’s a great one. Inexplicable devotion to an emotionally abusive vampire. Or the usual lesson that choosing infatuation (and calling it “love”) in the face of all the circumstancial red flags that would deter most normal, sensible people. (So what if he’s in jail? I love him!)

And then on the other extreme, we have a constant reminder that “marriage is sacrifice; marriage is sacred; marriage is forever.” Okay - great. Do you realize how easy domestic abuse becomes when one partner espouses that viewpoint … and the other spouse knows it?

My point - rampant cheating is bad enough in itself because of all the pain it leaves in its wake. But it is a symptom of a much deeper, more corrosive problem - mass emotional and relationship illiteracy. If we fix that problem, all the arguments about sex will be seen for what they are - petty squabbling.
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Exactly this and the problem is, of course, timeless. Marriages are messed up because people are messed up. Always have been and always will be. I mean, I look at my own and I nearly wrecked it. I couldn’t look at my parents because, as my father recently told me, they’re just playing a game. Married 30 years and it’s basically been nothing but a facade for the kids for probably 20 of those. Of course, that’s because my father is a sex addict and had multiple affairs.

The porn I knew about but the affairs I learned about through another party and he doesn’t know that I know. So it’s nice to know that about your own father and that your mother basically went insane because of it. Super helpful when you’re dealing with your own addiction, but thanking God every day it didn’t go remotely as far as it did with your father.

Can you tell I have resentment? Oy. And I can’t even use that anger to charge my “it ends with me” mission because that feeling will inevitably cause me to go back in the other direction. Being a Christian is insanely difficult sometimes. Most times.
 
Oh and please do note that my father, while Jewish at the time, was good buddies with a very good Opus Dei priest in the midst of some of these affairs. He’s since converted and hopefully ended the most extreme stuff but I’m pretty sure he’s not really killed his addiction.

Absolutely no one would think for one second that he’s done these kinds of things. Seriously. Everyone thinks my parents have a great marriage and that I was raised in a good, old-fashioned conservative Catholic household. Yeah about that…

My point is that while it’s rampant and public in some areas, elsewhere it’s rampant and totally private. I doubt it’s as high as the divorce rate but it really is up there.
 
I put “other” because you don’t have a “neither me or my spouse have cheated” option. I know he doesn’t, he’s totally in love with me and happy with his life. His mother cheated on and left his dad when he was 14 and he hated her and only talked to her basically in his twenties and still hasn’t forgiven her (she’s not sorry either) he says she’s “cursed” because she’s unrepentant about it and her life is falling apart. I feel the same way about my cheating father, he beat my mother and left her for a night of pleasure with a secretary he wasn’t really sorry either, and liked to call my mom names saying she left us blah blah blah…what she should stay with an abuser cheater dirtbag?? (he’s dead now btw-no I didn’t kill him he used drugs and died)

I think a strong faith in Christ and love for your spouse and family will stop anyone from cheating. Take away the faith in Christ and the love for spouse will follow…making adultery possible.

Just my :twocents:
 
We have a story of cheating in my family that would blow you away. Rather than share the details I would like to say how important it is to share your faith and feelings with your spouse. When you have a concern, talk about it, do things intentionally to grow your marriage, for example, attend a Marraige Encounter Weekend. Find ways to grow together.
 
FullOfThought said:
After reading so many articles and reading this forum, I can’t help but notice that a huge number of people admit to cheating or have had this happen to them… I find it so hard to believe that this many people struggle with this problem. I don’t understand it at all. I decided to see if anybody would answer this poll to see if this problem is as popular as it seems.

What can we do to prevent this happening? Lock myself and my husband up forever?
Click to expand...
I had to vote “I suspect my spouse has cheated,” but “I have never cheated on my spouse” also applies. I wish you would have set up the poll so that we could answer more than one! My husband swears he didn’t do anything, but he was overseas and there is no way for me to ever know. He wasn’t going to tell me he’d been keeping company with a woman, but I felt some weird vibes from him when he got home and he told me. But a few months later, I found a letter the woman had written to him, tucked in his briefcase. He had kept it. He keeps sentimental items. So I have my suspicions. It affects my trust level. Maybe it always will.

But I have never cheated. And I would not.
 
Just wondering…

What in the world goes into the category of “other”?
 
ahollars said:
Just wondering…

What in the world goes into the category of “other”?
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Hi ahollars:

I suppose “Other” might include things like Josephite marriages, or asexual/celibate marriages, where the category/event of “cheating” becomes meaningless or pointless. It is not that you have struggled with temptation, say, but “always remained faithful to your spouse” (which I suspect may be implied by the first choice)…no, you haven’t been tempted at all, really, it just doesn’t occur to you, it’s just not important or interesting to you. Couples of advanced age, or infirmity, could also fall under such a state…maybe a couple who gets married at a very old age, say. I stress this is something that both partners have mutually agreed to, of course (a condition of a Josephite marriage).

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=115992

Jacques
 
ahollars said:
Just wondering…

What in the world goes into the category of “other”?
Click to expand...
I figured “other” was for anything else, such as -
  • My spouse and I are in a stable open relationship and we don’t keep track of such things
  • My spouse was a serial cheater so I started cheating to maintain my sanity until it was safe for me to physically leave
  • My spouse has a seemingly-benign friendship with a member of the opposite sex that just gives me the willies, and they won’t give it up (or they have subsequently given it up)
  • My unfaithful spouse made me homeless with a baby in the dead of winter, so to survive I took a boyfriend. Subsequently, my spouse and I temporarily reconciled but eventually split because said spouse still had no interest in staying faithful.
… or any other bizarre situation that people have lived through.
 
I didn’t think it was normal among my circle, when I was younger, found out it was out of control. everyone was, and this was a church group.

Well, now my husband and I have almost no mutual friends, can’t trust them. One married couple, but he has no interest in her, and hes a good friend. So I don’t think it would go anywhere. Crazy business, all this cheating. I can’t see myself doing it. What kind of man would cheat on his wife with anothers wife? No one I want for sure.
 
I think we never know what goes on behind closed doors. I have a sister whose husband cheated years ago. She never told my mother or anyone, because my mother would have broadcast it everywhere, to everyone. I only found out a few years ago when I told her about my own situation.

For me, we appeared for 16+ years to be the good Catholic couple with all the kids going to church every Sunday and active in the parish (actually, he didn’t go to church, but told me it was due to his difficult schedule of working Saturday and Sunday nights, both.) Even I believed that’s what we were. In the past 6-7 years, I have found out a great deal about what my (ex) husband was really up to, and now believe he was cheating from the beginning of the marriage and even before, both physical and emotional affairs.

We are divorced as a result, because he chose to continue, thinking he could continue to fool me.
 
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