Do American catholics just simply give up on gay friends?

[wilson124]

I am Polish born recent immigrant and grew up in Poland as Catholic. In college, I met guy who I spent a lot of time with and thought were gonna be best friends (well maybe not 1st but somewhere in top 10). I visited him dorm apartment where he also lived with his roomate and I used to spend a lot of time with both. We talked about a lot of different topics. Both of them grew up here in Illinois, but one of them has parent that came here from Italy.

But somehow every-time I went to church on college campus on Sunday, I never saw them practicing. Yet on Facebook status they claimed to be Christian, Catholic. Soon after long summer break, when i tried to catch up with them in fall the problems started there. One of them was actually willing to stay in touch but his friend/roommate wasn’t. When confronted he always gave me excuse, ah he doesn’t have time, etc etc. When I tried to argue why he treats me like he did not have reasonable explanation.

It did not help when I was for some time lonely and did not have many other friends. Somehow I still cared about them. So when I wrote an angry letter to him in which I admitted I am gay and I thought that was the reason he excluded me, his first reaction called me back and lets talk about it with compassionate tone. But later soon he just changed his mind and told me to leave him alone. He did not want to talk. I never really hit on him or his friends but neither talked a lot about girls. I dunno maybe in guys especially straight guys circle this is mandatory to talk about girls. But I neither wanted to join any gay circle. Also prior to break up, I leaned toward more conservative political spectrum (and they were conservative) but after our relationship ended for good I started to vote Democrat.

 

[robertkchacon]

NO! Never! I would never give up on a friend for being gay! That is NOT the Catholic thing to do!

And as you have a faith life I would surely enjoy going to Mass with you as well.

I would be honest in letting you know I could not condone gay sexuality or gay “marriage” when the situation arose.

God bless you! God bless you for your faith, and courage. I am praying for your faith to live a chaste life, to live in courage, and not succumb to the lies the world tells about human sexuality. I am sorry about your “friends” and praying that God puts truly good faithful Catholics in your life!

 

[JasonLovesJesus]

First of all, welcome to the forum, I just joined today as well!

Secondly, no, a Catholic should never give up on a sinner,

Third, you have to understand, with ~1.2+ Billion Catholics on Earth, there’s bound to be literally hundreds of millions of them who are not serious about their faith and are not good ambassadors of Christ on Earth.

Lord have mercy on us all,

God bless,

Amen

 

[Marie5890]

I have both friends and family who happen to be gay.
I have both friends and family who happen to be straight.

Their sexual orientation has nothing to do with how much I love and respect them.

I dont “give up” on any of them, straight or gay.

Praying that you will have good people in your life, either gay or straight, and that they will love you regardless of your sexual orientation.

I am sorry you have been marginalized by those who should never marginalize you.

 

[TheWiseMan]

Hmm. Good question. I suppose that there are some American Catholics do stop being friends with such people, but then again, I think there also might be some who don’t.

Overall, I guess it depends on the individual.

 

[Allegra]

It depends. In most cases, I think a Catholic can easily be friends with someone who is gay, even if they are engaging in homosexual activity, just as they can with someone who does anything they don’t like when they aren’t around.

Obviously, if the gay person can’t respect the person’s belief that their sexlife is sinful, then the friendship isn’t going to work out for long. No one wants someone elses beliefs shoved down their throat and that goes two ways. Although, from your post it doesn’t sound like that was what you were doing.

There’s another situation as well, where the person in question also struggles with SSA and finds the company of the gay friend to be a near occasion of sin. In that instance, it’s best that the person distance himself, just as a straight guy would be right to distance himself from a married woman he found himself attracted to. I imagine that a person in that situation would not want to have a “I just like you too much” conversation so they might decide to just let the relationship fizzle out.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I understand you are young and a recent immigrant. So bear with me but I am going to go through your whole post.

I am Polish born recent immigrant and grew up in Poland as Catholic. In college, I met guy who I spent a lot of time with and thought were gonna be best friends (well maybe not 1st but somewhere in top 10). I visited him dorm apartment where he also lived with his roomate and I used to spend a lot of time with both. We talked about a lot of different topics. Both of them grew up here in Illinois, but one of them has parent that came here from Italy. All of that is ok and in fact normal Catholic College behavior.

But somehow every-time I went to church on college campus on Sunday, I never saw them practicing. Yet on Facebook status they claimed to be Christian, Catholic.Why are you quick to judge them here. Later you claim they were conservative. Many conservative Catholics I know would not really like going to the college campus newman center or the like. Why don’t you charitably assume they either are going to Mass or are (like you) struggling with their faith. Soon after long summer break, when i tried to catch up with them in fall the problems started there. One of them was actually willing to stay in touch but his friend/roommate wasn’t.Why? Was this just a natural falling away? Or something else. It is normal for this to happen, especially in college. When confronted he always gave me excuse, ah he doesn’t have time, etc etc. When I tried to argue why he treats me like he did not have reasonable explanation. He did not have time and probably does not want to be your friend. Why is that not a reasonable explanation?

It did not help when I was for some time lonely and did not have many other friends. Somehow I still cared about them. So when I wrote an angry letter to him in which I admitted I am gay and I thought that was the reason he excluded me, his first reaction called me back and lets talk about it with compassionate tone.Ok here you finally “come out” but you do so in an angry letter to someone who already has told you in a polite manner they do not wish to be close friends at this time!? No wonder he just wants you to leave him alone. But later soon he just changed his mind and told me to leave him alone. He did not want to talk. I never really hit on him or his friends Ok red flag here. " I never REALLY hit on him or his friends!?" How about never. As a gay Catholic that would be not only unholy, but a huge breach of trust with your “friends” but neither talked a lot about girls. I dunno maybe in guys especially straight guys circle this is mandatory to talk about girls.SO what? Are you trying to insinuate they are gay and closeted? But I neither wanted to join any gay circle. Also prior to break up, I leaned toward more conservative political spectrum (and they were conservative) but after our relationship ended for good I started to vote Democrat. Honestly, what a wierd way to end this post. You changed your entire political voting record (as a recent immigrant? Are you a citizen? Based on a falling out with some friends? So now you have compromised your personal beliefs and changed just to spite some conservative friends who may or may not like you? You are aware that a sizable number of African Americans are homophobic and vote democrat right? Why would you change deeply held political beliefs because of this.

In short. American Catholics should be no different in following the Church than any other Catholic. Including you. How about you extend the people in question the same charity you wish people would extend to you and stop thinking they are hateful to your sexuality but perhaps just do not enjoy your company.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am sorry you have been marginalized by those who should never marginalize you.

Do you mean the friends? Why so quick to judge them? Why accuse them of wrongdoing? What evidence of that is there in the OPs post?

 

[adawgj]

From what it sounds like your friend was more lapsed.

I’ll be honest I don’t have any gay friends (I don’t know any).

But if I had friends who were Catholic and gay I would totally go to Mass with them.

As Pope Francis said “If anyone is gay and is searching for the Lord who am I to judge.”

 

[wilson124]

All of that is ok and in fact normal Catholic College behavior.???

Why are you quick to judge them here. Later you claim they were conservative. Many conservative Catholics I know would not really like going to the college campus newman center or the like. Why don’t you charitably assume they either are going to Mass or are (like you) struggling with their faith.

I knew who were they friends with and I often saw them alone. And they were not charitable to me when it came to cultivating friendship, so why should I charitably assume they are “good Catholics”?

Why? Was this just a natural falling away? Or something else. It is normal for this to happen, especially in college. It was not normal. Especially, since they still hung out with all other friends from previous years.

He did not have time and probably does not want to be your friend. Why is that not a reasonable explanation? Ok, let’s drop he did not have time. He did have time for all other friends no matter who was close. At least he could have stayed in touch by email or Facebook but he did not even have time for that while he had time for that for his many acquaintances.

Ok here you finally “come out” but you do so in an angry letter to someone who already has told you in a polite manner they do not wish to be close friends at this time!?

Aren’t you human and you wouldn’t get offended, your feelings wouldn’t get hurt? And he never told me anything in polite manner, more like he hid in cowardly manner.

But later soon he just changed his mind and told me to leave him alone. He did not want to talk. I never really hit on him or his friends Ok red flag here. " I never REALLY hit on him or his friends!?" How about never. As a gay Catholic that would be not only unholy, but a huge breach of trust with your “friends”

How about he also never REALLY hit on me? And he made some “unholy” moves. Yet it was ok for him, but not ok for me? Btw, one time we went to party and he really got drunk. He got so friendly after I escorted him home, he threw himself half-nude into me. If I was bad guy, I would have used this opportunity to seduce him or do whatever… But instead I did not do anything. I did not do anything because I wanted to be friends with him. Also because it would have been wrong if I did. After that incident, he should have known better how to trust me with my gayness.

Are you trying to insinuate they are gay and closeted?
They meet guys all the time, join fraternity but fail to show up and meet with girls, establish even any short term relationship with them. They seem to more overreact about someone being gay than other straight guys who indeed have had girlfriends. One of them himself brings up he is pissed off that in Iowa they legalized gay marriage when they did that. Since he did not talk about it being against his religion (protestantism), I assume it steamed off his insecurity rather than his belief. Yet you see two dudes who move in together off-campus just by themselves. Most people I knew lived at least with 2-3 other roommates. …

But I neither wanted to join any gay circle. Also prior to break up, I leaned toward more conservative political spectrum (and they were conservative) but after our relationship ended for good I started to vote Democrat. Honestly, what a wierd way to end this post. You changed your entire political voting record (as a recent immigrant? Are you a citizen? Based on a falling out with some friends? So now you have compromised your personal beliefs and changed just to spite some conservative friends who may or may not like you? You are aware that a sizable number of African Americans are homophobic and vote democrat right? Why would you change deeply held political beliefs because of this.
Because Democrats have better record of being respectful toward gay people? Whether they support gay marriage or not which is against Catholic doctrine does not matter. I would rather stick with people less hostile to me.

I understand you are young and a recent immigrant. So bear with me but I am going to go through your whole post.

In short. American Catholics should be no different in following the Church than any other Catholic. Including you. How about you extend the people in question the same charity you wish people would extend to you and stop thinking they are hateful to your sexuality but perhaps just do not enjoy your company.

As I mentioned, they were not charitable to me when it came to allowing friendship to continue. At least prior to revealing myself gay they had courtesy to have arguments with me but after that they had no balls for that. Their actions just looked passive-aggressive to me. Not enjoying someone’s company but totally ignoring them is as bad as they had reason to hate someone. Especially since they did not mind to stay in casual contact with others who were less close and known to them. And like I said prior to coming out, they had some room for a dialogue, after coming out they never had.

 

[wilson124]

From what it sounds like your friend was more lapsed.

I’ll be honest I don’t have any gay friends (I don’t know any).

But if I had friends who were Catholic and gay I would totally go to Mass with them.

As Pope Francis said “If anyone is gay and is searching for the Lord who am I to judge.”

Thanks

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

As I mentioned, they were not charitable to me when it came to allowing friendship to continue. At least prior to revealing myself gay they had courtesy to have arguments with me but after that they had no balls for that. Their actions just looked passive-aggressive to me. Not enjoying someone’s company but totally ignoring them is as bad as they had reason to hate someone. Especially since they did not mind to stay in casual contact with others who were less close and known to them. And like I said prior to coming out, they had some room for a dialogue, after coming out they never had.

I don’t think them not wanting to argue with you has anything to do with you being gay. I think it is quite uncharitable to think that of them without them telling you this.

You should try to be a better friend to them and stop arguing and writing drama filled letters.

Perhaps it is something else about you that they are rejecting. Or perhaps they should be allowed the right to decide if they wish to be friends with another person.

but after that they had no balls for that.

In polite conversation this term has very derogatory usage. I’ll take it as a miscue from you on a secondary language.

Have they told you it is because they are uncomfortable with a chaste Holy gay man? That would be odd.

I think you are jumping to many false conclusions about Americans, Catholics, Your friends, and your own sexuality. Believe me, there are enough ignorant fools who will slight you for your sexuality that you do not need to invent it when it perhaps does not exist. And these people have every right in the world to decide to either be your friend or not. No matter the reason.

 

[wilson124]

I don’t think them not wanting to argue with you has anything to do with you being gay. I think it is quite uncharitable to think that of them without them telling you this.

You should try to be a better friend to them and stop arguing and writing drama filled letters.

Perhaps it is something else about you that they are rejecting. Or perhaps they should be allowed the right to decide if they wish to be friends with another person.

In polite conversation this term has very derogatory usage. I’ll take it as a miscue from you on a secondary language.

Have they told you it is because they are uncomfortable with a chaste Holy gay man? That would be odd.

I think you are jumping to many false conclusions about Americans, Catholics, Your friends, and your own sexuality. Believe me, there are enough ignorant fools who will slight you for your sexuality that you do not need to invent it when it perhaps does not exist. And these people have every right in the world to decide to either be your friend or not. No matter the reason.

So choosing a friend is like choosing a product at shopping from a mail order catalogue?

Also they were not simply strangers who did not want to associate and become friends, they were friends with me for whole academic year but it turned out from their lack of respect not very good ones.

They did not have to tell they did not want to associate with me because im gay. Nowdays when it is politically “incorrect” to be homophobic people will say nothing rather than say what they truly would like to say.

Also they did not have to be close friends but they did not have to be uncivil and rude to make me feel they had more respect for strangers than me as former friend.

 

[pnewton]

. I never really hit on him or his friends… Also prior to break up,.

These phrases alone cause me pause as to what really happened, at least from the stand point of the other person. You never really hit on him. You consider it a break up. I was in this situation once, and had kids. I did nothing drastic, but I did cease to have the guy around the house socially. He may not have thought he said too much, but as a parent, I did.

I have another friend that never mentioned being gay. I had no problem having him around and he is still a friend.

 

[frobert]

It did not help when I was for some time lonely and did not have many other friends. Somehow I still cared about them. So when I wrote an angry letter to him in which I admitted I am gay and I thought that was the reason he excluded me, his first reaction called me back and lets talk about it with compassionate tone. But later soon he just changed his mind and told me to leave him alone. He did not want to talk. I never really hit on him or his friends but neither talked a lot about girls. I dunno maybe in guys especially straight guys circle this is mandatory to talk about girls. But I neither wanted to join any gay circle. Also prior to break up, I leaned toward more conservative political spectrum (and they were conservative) but after our relationship ended for good I started to vote Democrat.

It sounds like he or they may have been questioning their own sexuality and were threatened, I am not saying that is the reason it just appears to fit the pattern. It’s also possible that they were a SS couple and one or the other may have felt you were a threat to their relationship. In any case, they were rude in the way they dropped you as a friend, at the very least they could have let you know the reason. I know how you feel from similar experiences.

 

[InNomineDomini]

I would have no problem being your friend, especially since you are Polish, and I happen to speak the language on a rather elementary level.

However, it would certainly be necessary for each of us to respect the other person’s views on same-sex attraction. On occasion, it would also be nice to have kind and intelligent conversations about the subject, and about the faith in general. See, I love my Catholic faith, and, while I don’t brow-beat everyone I meet with regard to the topic, I do like to share the things I love.

If you could be my friend while understanding that I am a Catholic who takes all of the Church’s doctrines seriously – including those on same-sex attraction – then I would certainly welcome the friendship.

I’m quite sure that this sort of attitude is common enough in the US, especially amongst those Catholics who really strive each day to be disciples of Christ, and sincere children of His Church.

 

[wilson124]

I often think why God would give people same-sex attraction? You cannot marry (in traditional sense) and have children. But I heard study, that women married to gay men tend to be more fertile.

My friends who left me because I am gay, some threatened me if I contacted them again just for trying to resolve misunderstandings and reconcile. So no point in even missing anything about them and move forward.

Facebook however, made it little all more complicated. When people de-friend/block you but you still maintain contact with mutual contacts and see albums/pictures it brings bad memories.

I have yet to meet alive a person/friend who despite whether being homophobic or not will willingly discuss his views and disagreements with his views with me about same-sex attraction, their perception of gay people, etc I feel people are more likely to talk behind back and talk to others about me than talk to me.

 

[Petaro]

I am sorry you have lost some close friends but as we grow we can grow away from some and move towards others in a fairly natural maturing. I had some great friends at Uni that I thought would be friends for life. A year after uni and I never saw any of them for the rest of a long life. It may be that your friend may have been intimidated by your orientation, but most people, catholic or not, will have gay friends. I for one live in a glass house about heterosexual sins to cast any stones.
I am sure your problems are part of growing up rather than your sexuality. Gay people often feels that it is their sexuality is at the core of their external identity, when most often the people who are real friends see so much more. As we mature we gain and lose friends with amazing rapidity. Keep the real ones close and nurture them; discarding the others as only the acquaintances they are.

 

[Marie5890]

I often think why God would give people same-sex attraction? You cannot marry (in traditional sense) and have children. But I heard study, that women married to gay men tend to be more fertile.

**My friends who left me because I am gay, some threatened me if I contacted them again just for trying to resolve misunderstandings and reconcile. So no point in even missing anything about them and move forward.

Facebook however, made it little all more complicated. When people de-friend/block you but you still maintain contact with mutual contacts and see albums/pictures it brings bad memories.

I have yet to meet alive a person/friend who despite whether being homophobic or not will willingly discuss his views and disagreements with his views with me about same-sex attraction, their perception of gay people, etc I feel people are more likely to talk behind back and talk to others about me than talk to me.**

I am sorry that they have marginalized you and acted so contrary to the teachings of Christ.

Prayers for you to find real friends who understand the kind of unconditional love that the Blessed Trinity has for each and every one of us.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have yet to meet alive a person/friend who despite whether being homophobic or not will willingly discuss his views and disagreements with his views with me about same-sex attraction, their perception of gay people, etc I feel people are more likely to talk behind back and talk to others about me than talk to me.

This is impossible for me to believe. Here you are discussing it with people.

And can we drop the “homophobic” label for those who may just think it is wrong.