Do children really change a marriage?

[SpeakKindly]

My wife and I have both been told by our coworkers (we don’t work together or anything) that once children come into the marriage things change. She has mainly women coworkers I think, and they tell her that their husbands are basically being lazy, cold, and mean.

I work with mainly guys and they’ve told me that children take away the attention and affection a wife will give her husband because the children get it mostly. They act like things just become mostly about the children.

My personal opinion is that it just sounds like a lot of people just don’t know how to get along well, and that in a healthy relationship it should have the parents still in love and affectionate, while also providing a healthy home for the children.

 

[underacloud]

My personal opinion is that it just sounds like a lot of people just don’t know how to get along well, and that in a healthy relationship it should have the parents still in love and affectionate, while also providing a healthy home for the children.

Yes, I think you are right.

The best foundation for a family is a strong relationship between the husband and wife. Spouses need to make sure this remains a priority even when children make life seem hectic and like it’s flying by.

 

[CatholicRaven]

You’re right.

But it’s also much easier said than done, and you might be surprised at just how difficult it can be to maintain that at first, partly because of hormones and instincts, partly because of the lack of sleep (which can make anyone cranky and short-tempered), and partly because of misunderstandings, miscommunication, and different expectations about child rearing.

Which is why the women and men you each spoke with are also correct that couples often respond in those ways when children come along–even those who had (or have) great marriages. She may focus so much on the child (or children) that she neglects to give her husband enough affection, attention, and respect (even if he’s doing his best to help out)… and/or he may feel jealous of the attention she gives the kids, and feel neglected (even if she’s doing her best to balance everyone’s needs) and may respond by being lazy, mean, or cold.

He needs to understand that she needs time to heal, and that 4-6 weeks is not a guarantee! Her hormones and body have just gone through something really major and it takes time to recover! Her sex drive may take a huge hit, and her body (and her feelings about her body) may be quite different than before–so he should be sensitive to these things. It’s not that she doesn’t want to be intimate–it’s just that she may have a hard time getting “in the mood” or she might just be plain tired! Also, she needs his love and help even when she’s cranky and critical of what he does, especially since, during the first few months at least, her instinct drives her to take care of the child’s every need, at every cry (so she’s likely exhausted). He also needs to realize, that baby cry is not something most mothers can just ignore, even while her husband is talking to her or touching her. For me, when my infant cries, it’s like my heart is breaking and it causes a physical reaction of stress (similar to “fight or flight” response) until I can comfort and calm him. And here’s the thing my husband didn’t seem to understand with the first couple of babies: I’m not exaggerating for effect about that physical reaction. That’s really what it feels like–especially the first few weeks, the urge is CRAZY strong to go pick that baby up immediately at the first cry! I can sleep through a hail storm, but if my baby makes the tiniest peep I wake up, even if I know he’s fine (maybe it’s just gas or teething fussiness or a hiccup–still doesn’t matter!). I don’t know if all, or most, moms go through that, but I do!

She needs to understand that her husband still needs her affection, attention, and respect, too. She should remember that their child (or children) need her to have a good, solid relationship with their father–they still need some “couple time.” It’s good for the kids to have parents who love each other! And she also needs to be careful not to “take over” or correct him all the time when it comes to care of the child(ren), especially since her instincts will likely not want her to “share” this part of her domain with him. She must learn to pull back a bit, bite her tongue despite her urge to “help” him, and trust that he will not harm the baby–let them build a bond; he loves his child, too!

 

[Nelka]

Things do change, I found the glue in our marriage upgraded to superglue when the children arrived.

Your family gets better when children arrive, bad parent say the opposite.

 

[Book_Worm]

I guess I didn’t realize how fortunate I was because when our DD was born, she became the focus of both our lives. We just instinctively looked on child care as a team effort, something we did together. It strengthened our bond.

Of course, taking care of an infant, baby, and child is a lot of work and stressful at times. But everyone goes through stressful times during their lives–illness, loss of a parent, job worries–none of which have the accompanying joys that a child brings. I do think the fact that we didn’t become parents for nine years did lessen the stress. I was able to stay at home, which is much easier than having two working parents.

It is my belief that people who have children are often much less self-centered than those who do not. Spending years putting someone else’s needs above your own can have that effect on your character.

 

[Jon_S_1]

My wife and I have both been told by our coworkers (we don’t work together or anything) that once children come into the marriage things change. She has mainly women coworkers I think, and they tell her that their husbands are basically being lazy, cold, and mean.

I work with mainly guys and they’ve told me that children take away the attention and affection a wife will give her husband because the children get it mostly. They act like things just become mostly about the children.

My personal opinion is that it just sounds like a lot of people just don’t know how to get along well, and that in a healthy relationship it should have the parents still in love and affectionate, while also providing a healthy home for the children.

Of course your assessment is right, The problem is it is extremely difficult to do with kids. Kids will take up a lot of time and energy and money. Fewer trips, getaways, date nights, conversations, hours of sleep etc…

They do change everything, but I wouldn’t trade my 3 for anything.

 

[Xantippe]

Of course your assessment is right, The problem is it is extremely difficult to do with kids. Kids will take up a lot of time and energy and money. Fewer trips, getaways, date nights, conversations, hours of sleep etc…

They do change everything, but I wouldn’t trade my 3 for anything.

One factor, I think, is that pre-kids, wives sometimes treat a husband like a child, so he gets a lot of indulgence and coddling, rather than being expected to be a fully-functioning, responsible adult. Once you have a child, it’s very natural to shift those energies onto the real baby. Husbands, just like displaced toddler siblings who used to be the baby, may not take that well.

Once kids are there (and especially when there is more than one), it is no longer feasible to baby a husband. (I certainly remember warning my husband about something (can’t remember now what it was), “I can’t do this for you anymore once we have kids.”)

I would suggest each spouse requiring fully adult behavior from the other BEFORE there are children on the scene, to ensure that once there are kids on the scene, it won’t be too much of a shock. That’s easier said than done, but it is a very good goal. Possible areas for work include: personal hygiene and self-care, finances (a smoothly running budget before kids is an excellent idea), relations with parents, family, and friends (are any of them consuming way more family energy and resources than they ought to?), and a reasonable division of household chores and leisure time. It should never be the case that one spouse has way, way more leisure time and disposable income than the other.

 

[dreamfleur]

Having any addition to a family changes things no matter what.

A baby changes things because of the attention, care, responsibility involved. The entire family goes from being 2, to being 3 (one of which is helpless and relies on the other 2 to care for him/her). This naturally produces change. How you respond to the change all depends on you.

I find that both parents putting their focus on the baby and being as charitable/ self sacrificial as possible helps everyone until the family of 3 becomes the new norm. Growing pains are always new challenges, but the pay-off is tremendous.

It all depends on how you approach the situation and the maturity of the people involved.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Of course it changes a marriage. Kids take a lot of time, it’s both hard and wonderful. Since they take time, it’s a matter of juggling priorities and being considerate of the other person. Try and understand things from their perpsective as well as your own. Some women are far more focused on their kids than others, same with Dads. Kids are more interesting once they start walking and talking…

And it changes again with a second child-- cuz you’ll start going in two directions as the kids are at different stages, have different interests and needs, and may respond differently to discipline. On top of that, the kids start to have a relationship between each other that influences the family.

And it changes even more with a third child. Because Dad and Mom are outnumbered, hard to stay equally focused on three kids. Their different personalities, needs, etc.

Its challenging, joyful, confusing, amazing-- pick your own adjective. But the basics of a relationship don’t change-- you do need to devote time to it, you do need to try and put the other person’s needs ahead of your own, you do need to let them know what you need, you do need to keep communicating, showing appreciation, etc. etc.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think my perspective is a bit different, because we had twins. One parent would be insane to try to handle twins all by herself. There is always one for “him” and one for “her,” and more to do than two hands would attempt alone (except under duress, because of course the single parents of twins and the parents of higher multiples do figure out how to manage a more challenging ratio between the numbers of hands and the number of babies!)

I would suggest the parents agree in advance of their child’s birth to find someone capable of being a sitter for a neonate. This can be sold (and honestly!) as getting the child used to having a date-night caretaker before the child gets to the age of “being strange” when they don’t want to have a thing to do with anyone new. I cannot tell you how I wish we had done that! Don’t be stuck on getting away at night, either. If the wife is at her best during the day, then get the sitter for during the day on the weekend. Whatever it takes, guard that time alone together!

A husband who wants to be understood in maintaining his prior interest in marital intimacy would be wise to get his elbows in there and get into the hands-on of baby care. Require your wife to go take some time for herself while you do some of the one-on-one work with the baby and see to at least half of the increased domestic chore workload. (The wife will be recovering physically, so don’t split that in half.)

Having done that, he will have “moral high ground” for insisting that they carve out time together as husband and a wife. Otherwise, he may be echoing those husband who marvel at what a great mother their wife is, but greatly miss how much less time and effort she has to devote to being his wife.

PS Of course children change things. If you two took on an adult roommate, it would change things. Taking on a child who is your obligation and your heir? Oh, please, yes, it changes things!! How naive could someone be, to think that it wouldn’t!

 

[1ke]

Children change a marriage.

A new job changes a marriage.

A move to a new location changes a marriage.

Elderly parents change a marriage.

Health issues of one or both spouses change a marriage.

Getting older changes a marriage.

Children leaving home changes a marriage.

What doesn’t change a marriage? Not much. Life comes at us, and we react, adapt, and change. For some people, those who don’t adapt well to change, this can be a bad thing. For others, it’s a good thing.

The one thing you can count on is change.

 

[Xantippe]

Children change a marriage.

A new job changes a marriage.

A move to a new location changes a marriage.

Elderly parents change a marriage.

Health issues of one or both spouses change a marriage.

Getting older changes a marriage.

Children leaving home changes a marriage.

What doesn’t change a marriage? Not much. Life comes at us, and we react, adapt, and change. For some people, those who don’t adapt well to change, this can be a bad thing. For others, it’s a good thing.

The one thing you can count on is change.

Yes. I would add that living in a single family home (as opposed to an apartment) and homeownership are also big transitions.

Household maintenance is a big leap forward for a couple who have previously been apartment dwellers and have had a landlord to take care of everything.

We did a relatively late first home purchase (at around 15 years of marriage–my husband was 40 when we signed the papers) and while that is pretty extreme, I do feel sorry for couples who buy houses as newlyweds. Looking back, it was pretty awesome to have a landlord to take care of maintenance stuff when we were newlyweds and had little kids underfoot.

 

[schaeffer]

Having kids definitely changed things.

But the idea always was that we would be a family, first of two, then three, then four, then five!

It was awesome!

I didn’t feel our love for one another or relationship changed that much, except I grew to have even more respect for my husband as I saw him in his role of father.

We never had much money, so we weren’t having date nights, and vacations together etc before the kids came, I NEVER felt for a single instant that having the children denied us of anything else. They enriched my life in so many ways.

 

[Xantippe]

I didn’t feel our love for one another or relationship changed that much, except I grew to have even more respect for my husband as I saw him in his role of father.

Yes, that’s very true.

 

[rodgerdodger]

Yes
I am a single dad with 3 kids. Raising kids is hard work. Unfortunately my marriage was weak both me and my wife lost sight of each other. We got caught up in everything except each other. The bottom line is keep the marriage strong focus on each other. Having kids is a learning experience.

 

[Serap]

My wife and I have both been told by our coworkers (we don’t work together or anything) that once children come into the marriage things change. She has mainly women coworkers I think, and they tell her that their husbands are basically being lazy, cold, and mean.

I work with mainly guys and they’ve told me that children take away the attention and affection a wife will give her husband because the children get it mostly. They act like things just become mostly about the children.

My personal opinion is that it just sounds like a lot of people just don’t know how to get along well, and that in a healthy relationship it should have the parents still in love and affectionate, while also providing a healthy home for the children.

Yes, in theory In reality, sometimes you are so stretched emotionally, you have nothing left for each other for months at a time. My husband and I are just now beginning to enjoy family life together.

My son is turning 5 and my daughter is 7. It has been a challenge since my son was born in 2009. We were very unhappy together for about 3 years and then somewhat happy while my son was 3 and then happier when he was 4. Since he hit about 4 and a half, it has been SO MUCH easier and fun. We go out as a family and have FUN now. Whereas before it was controlling a meltdown, or pooping their pants or being moody b/c you are sleep deprived.

My son was an incredibly difficult baby, toddler and preschooler. If we just had my daughter, I’m sure it would have been different.

What I’m trying to say is that love is not about daily affections and romance, it’s about staying together as a family unit even when you resent your spouse; getting up every morning at the crack of dawn to your baby; getting kids ready for school; helping with homework; erc.

Parenting and marriage is hard, but honestly, I’m happier now than I have ever been in my life. I love my kids and my husband so much. There were years of misery in between today and when we had kids, but everyday was worth it to get to today.

Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do. Staying married during tough times is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do…but your love for eachother and your children, will keep you going one day at a time until happiness surrounds you once again.

It’s a journey… a wonderful crazy journey…

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, in theory In reality, sometimes you are so stretched emotionally, you have nothing left for each other for months at a time. My husband and I are just now beginning to enjoy family life together.

My son is turning 5 and my daughter is 7. It has been a challenge since my son was born in 2009. We were very unhappy together for about 3 years and then somewhat happy while my son was 3 and then happier when he was 4. Since he hit about 4 and a half, it has been SO MUCH easier and fun. We go out as a family and have FUN now. Whereas before it was controlling a meltdown, or pooping their pants or being moody b/c you are sleep deprived.

My son was an incredibly difficult baby, toddler and preschooler. If we just had my daughter, I’m sure it would have been different.

What I’m trying to say is that love is not about daily affections and romance, it’s about staying together as a family unit even when you resent your spouse; getting up every morning at the crack of dawn to your baby; getting kids ready for school; helping with homework; erc.

Parenting and marriage is hard, but honestly, I’m happier now than I have ever been in my life. I love my kids and my husband so much. There were years of misery in between today and when we had kids, but everyday was worth it to get to today.

Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do. Staying married during tough times is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do…but your love for eachother and your children, will keep you going one day at a time until happiness surrounds you once again.

It’s a journey… a wonderful crazy journey…

Awww.

That’s really sweet.