Do husbands sometimes envy their stay-at-home wives?

[manualman]

Data point me:

Yes! The cure is regular reality checks. Mine come in the form of a few Saturdays a month when my wife goes off to work a 9 hour day and I’m home taking care of the three girls, getting my weekend house chores done and usually needing a Costco stockup run.

By the end of the day, I don’t resent her one tiny little smidgeon of a bit! And she gets home 1.5 hours before I typically do on a workday!

 

[ahollars]

Disappear for 10 hours on Saturday and Sunday for a couple weekends in a row, leave the kids with him, and tell him you want everything done when you get back and to get over it.

That’ll shut him up.

BTW, I am the husband in my house married to a SAHM.

 

[whatevergirl]

*kittery, I wouldn’t treat your husband’s feelings like they are meaningless and he should ‘just get over it.’ There are reasons behind his outbursts. He is not treating you very nicely at times, but get to the heart of that. It doesn’t sound like he has always been this way, so the change in the family dynamic, if that is the cause, it needs to be discussed. I am praying things get worked out. I am sorry you have had medical issues, and AGAIN, know my advice is for people who are staying at home, with no medical problems, who expect the person who’s been working all day to ‘take over.’ I guess my advice was general.

As a wife, my husband’s feelings matter. If he is upset about something, I’m not going to tell him…‘ah, get over it.’ I doubt you want to take that approach, otherwise, you wouldn’t be posting here. On some level, he does need to step up and realize that this change is going to be in place for a while, and he needs to accept it, and find a positive way of viewing it. On the other hand, he needs to tell you what’s wrong. You don’t read minds. This was a pact you both agreed to. But, until things are actually in motion, many things seem like a good idea. lol He might just need to adjust. I hope things improve. *

 

[ArchRemmy]

My wife is a SAHM. Am I jealous? Deep down no. I’m happy to work and provide.

But would I like to spend every day sitting in my pajamas watching cartoons and eating cereal with my kids? Absolutely!

 

[ack]

• He is not treating you very nicely at times, but get to the heart of that. It doesn’t sound like he has always been this way, so the change in the family dynamic, if that is the cause, it needs to be discussed. *

Or, perhaps he has always been this way.

The OP’s username sounded familiar, so I did a search and quickly found these threads (among many others):

**Marriage woes **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=170933
**What is wrong with this marriage??? **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=194440
**Feeling dishonored this Mother’s Day… **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=239565
**Marriage in crisis over “the ring” **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=251901
**I’m so hurt. Dh is looking at porn again. **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=256208
**Marital issues because of porn **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=347552

I have a feeling that his issues are deeper than simple jealousy over a SAHM…

 

[whatevergirl]

Or, perhaps he has always been this way.

The OP’s username sounded familiar, so I did a search and quickly found these threads (among many others):

**Marriage woes **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=170933
**What is wrong with this marriage??? **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=194440
**Feeling dishonored this Mother’s Day… **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=239565
**Marriage in crisis over “the ring” **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=251901
**I’m so hurt. Dh is looking at porn again. **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=256208
**Marital issues because of porn **forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=347552

I have a feeling that his issues are deeper than simple jealousy over a SAHM…

*Oh wow. I forgot about some of these threads.

Kittery, can I have a do over with my advice? *

 

[gam3rchic]

Oh wow. I forgot about some of these threads.

*Kittery, can I have a do over with my advice? *

No mulligans! lol But seriously, I guess this issue does go a lot deeper than we all thought initially which is unfortunate. No other advice to you OP, just know you are in my prayers.

 

[kittery]

A point that no one seems to be addressing is that she is having medical issues that caused her to make the decision to stay at home. She mentioned blood pressure, blood sugar and anxiety issues so she has a very legit reason to not be working, esp. 12 hour night turn shifts.

I’m a nurse as well that works 12 hour shifts in an ER. Honestly, no matter what specialty you work in, 12 hours on your feet as a nurse is HARD AS HELL when you are pregnant and if you are having medical issues it is definitely NOT APPROPRIATE for you to work right now. I am a healthy young adult and working 12 hour shifts is very tough. If I didn’t have such good help and support from DH I dunno how I would’ve gotten through this pregnancy so far working full time. Also, I’m offended by the OP’s husband saying things like “because I work” because I know the OP must be a hard worker cuz she went through nursing school with 2 children (no small feat, nursing school is hard even with no children to deal with!) and worked full time nights on L&D which is stressful.

I understand that the husband is probably feeling overwhelmed with being the sole-breadwinner and the burden of another child on the way, but honestly he is treating the OP like ****. It is not her fault these medical issues came up and she worked LONG and HARD to get her degree to be a registered nurse to only now have to stop.

Frankly, I find the OP’s husband behavior juvenile. He needs to discuss with his wife what is bothering him and just because she is now a SAHM doesn’t mean his responsibilites as the dad has ceased. This whole letting the kids run around while he watches tv is acting like he’s 13. He needs to grow up and toughen it out. She will be going back to work when the child is born so it’s not like this is permanent.

Sorry if my opinion seems harsh, but OP has legit medical reasons to stop working and honestly what if she ends up on bedrest before the end??? How with the OP’s DH treat her then and the children??? What if she ends up with pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes? Prayers for you and your family OP during this difficult time.

A fellow nurse! Thank you for your understanding- 12 hour shifts PLUS nights was the recipe for my undoing during this pregnancy. I had horrible “morning” sicknes throughout the nightshift, and felt so bad about being the “new kid” and running off to the bathroom all the time because I felt like it may make me look like a slacker. In the end everyone was very understanding when I left, and encouraged me to come back after the baby is born.

Recently, at the twenty week ultrasound, it was discovered that I have a complete placenta previa. The doctor told me it was ok to resume normal activity but that if there is any bleeding at all, I will be on pelvic rest and bed rest. I have a follow-up ultrasound in a few more weeks to see which way the placenta decides to go.

I actually thought that in light of this, my husband might let up on me a bit but that has not been the case. He doesn’t ask me how me and the baby are doing, ask how I am feeling, and still has a huge chip on his shoulder about having to get up and go to work every day. I have frequent doctor visits at the high-risk pregnancy clinic at the hospital to monitor my blood pressure and consequently the growth of the baby, and in light of this previa, I don’t know if I would have continued working at this point anyway. So I thought it might change his perspective, but it hasn’t.

Thank you for your understanding… I really MISS being a nurse right now- I miss the patients, the new babies, and the constant growth and learning as a new nurse that I was experiencing. I love how much you have to get into your own brain in order to be a great nurse, it’s stimulating. It is not an easy profession, especially in an ER I bet! But it can be a very rewarding one at times. God bless you!

 

[kittery]

*Oh wow. I forgot about some of these threads.

Kittery, can I have a do over with my advice? *

WGirl,

I’m curious- how would your advice change in light of my past threads? Please don’t feel bad about not taking into account my medical issues during this pregnancy. Really, my question was if some men simply do, in fact, envy their wives who stay at home with the kiddos. You answered that, althought I did disagree that refraining from asking him for help would be my best course of action.

With the reminder of my past threads, it’s easy to see that this marriage has had a fair share of rockiness. An update on the porn situation- I had discovered that he was getting on line no less than 30 minutes after I would leave for my 12-hour night shifts and spending a couple of hours whilst letting the kids run free I suppose. When I discovered this, I sat him down and let him know that as many times as I’ve asked him to seek counseling and seen nothing happen, that this was it for me. Things could not stay the same and that I would not tolerate it any longer. He spent the next two days looking for a counselor although he never ultimately went to one for this. Since then, (early September), I have no reason to believe he has looked at porn again.

I feel that just because I stay at home with our 3 and 4 year old and he works 4 10-hour shifts per week, doesn’t mean that it hurts him to chip in with the chores every once in a while. Just because I may be able to stay in my jammies all day for my “work” doesn’t mean I should have to be putting in 7 12-hour shifts without much help. Now this is me venting a little, because deep down I believe that if husbands ARE sometimes jealous of their stay-at-home wives, it’s because they don’t truly have their minds wrapped around what goes on while they’re at work.

For the sake of more detail, since I have resigned, I have only asked him to go by the grocery store for milk once. This, I asked because I was watching other kiddos that day and couldn’t get to the store. I have his dinner waiting (except for the few days I’ve had migraines), his laundry and everyone else’s is kept up, the dishes are done, the house is generally tidy, the kids are receiving daily pre-school lessons from me, and the kids are usually in pretty good moods when he gets home. His evenings could consist of dinner, playtime with me and the kids, I could bathe them while he watches some FoxNews (which he can DVR), storytime, and bedtime for the kids. The kids love him to do storytime and tuck them in. But he comes home, eats dinner, leaves his dishes at the table and plops in front of the tv for a good 2 hours of FoxNews before prime-time tv and then gets super irritated if there’s too much noise.

The last time I went out and did something on my own for “just for fun” mommy-time was the weekend after I resigned. I went to my sister-in-laws baby shower, and rode with one of my friends. On the way home, my friend and I decided to stop off at the outlet mall to find my mother a gift for her birthday which was the next day. All in all, by the time I got back home I had been gone for 5 hours. When I returned, I dressed the kids for mass and we all loaded up in the car and took off to mass. My husband wasn’t speaking to me and I asked him if I had done something to upset him. He unloaded on me that “sticking him” with the kids all day was real “nice”. And so it began- The attitude that now that I’m home, he’ll provide the paycheck, I’ll provide the childcare and maidservice, end of story, end of discussion.

Ugh. I can’t stand the sound of my own whining here. In general, I hear all the slightly differing views on this topic. I love the candidness of some of the husband’s who have posted saying that yeah, they’re kinda’ jealous sometimes but if given a reality check they realize that they have it pretty good. I’d understand if my husband told me just that in all honesty. I know from experience that going to work gives you your own space in the world, and that you can actually hear yourself think, it’s not fun getting out of bed and going to work and being away from family, but it can be more peaceful. Being at home, which I love dearly right now, is demanding and highly self-sacrificing too. It’s not easy street.

 

[gardenswithkids]

… Really, my question was if some men simply do, in fact, envy their wives who stay at home with the kiddos. …With the reminder of my past threads, it’s easy to see that this marriage has had a fair share of rockiness. An update on the porn situation- I had discovered that he was getting on line no less than 30 minutes after I would leave for my 12-hour night shifts and spending a couple of hours whilst letting the kids run free I suppose. When I discovered this, I sat him down and let him know that as many times as I’ve asked him to seek counseling and seen nothing happen, that this was it for me. Things could not stay the same and that I would not tolerate it any longer. He spent the next two days looking for a counselor although he never ultimately went to one for this. Since then, (early September), I have no reason to believe he has looked at porn again…

In answer to the original question, yes, I believe some men are envious that their wives can stay home. As others mentioned, a reality check may help them get over it, (unless the wives abuse the priveledge of being able to stay home and have unrealistic expectations of their husband and kids.)

I want to plug Dr. Laura’s new book, “In Praise of SAHM’s”. Beyond just praising SAHM. she addresses both issues mentioned above.

While I think getting used to being sole provider in a difficult economy might be part of the trouble—your husband is also adjusting to having you home at times when you were previously at work. He no longer has free-run of the house. And you actually want to* talk* to him when he gets home, while he may just want to “wind down” As far as your previous threads, I also wonder if your husband may have other issues still. If he previously viewed porn on line when you were at work, you not leaving for work might interfere with his on-line addictions. And/or he may have substituted the tv for previously far worse viewing habits when he gets home in the evening.

In any case, to answer your original question, yes, I do think husband’s may sometimes envy their stay at home wives. And I think SAH wives sometimes envy their husband’s who “get” to go out to work and talk to real live adults, receive a paycheck, sometimes even take coffee breaks or go out for lunches out without needing to cut the food and wipe the faces of the other people at the table…

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi kittery;

It’s funny, your name looked SO familiar, but I didn’t put it together until the poster ‘‘ack’’ posted those links. In lieu of now remembering some of the background of your marriage, I think that there is more at play for your situation, than just your husband being jealous of you staying at home. I also glossed over (unintentionally) your medical issues. That changes my advice significantly, for YOU. I think that anyone who has serious medical concerns, can’t be expected to clean the house, watch kids, etc. So, I think that I would say your husband ‘‘appears’’ selfish in the respect that he isn’t willing to help, and seems angry that he has to be the sole breadwinner. You know, in reading through your post here, about the porn situation, it doesn’t sound like you feel he has fully given up the habit, and he has not been to counseling. I heard something that might be helpful to you on the radio yesterday. The talk show host said…’‘experience is our best teacher.’’ Your husband sounds like he is selfish in many ways–you have been there to take care of everything. Now you CANNOT work, and help in that regard, and he is resentful. BUT…the silver lining in this COULD be that he will have to LEARN HIS WAY THROUGH, of how to become less selfish, and not be resentful of being that sole breadwinner. God works in mysterious ways. Not that He gave you your illness, but He perhaps is permitting it, because there is a bigger thing here at stake, your marriage. And your husband’s ability to think outside of himself. I was a very selfish person when I first married. When we had kids, and I became a SAHM, woah nelly, I grew up real fast! So, I think that this could be ‘‘good’’ in the sense that while you are going through it, it’s painful, in the end (hopefully) your husband will grow stronger…and learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him. Some of us take a little longer to learn that. Hopefully, he will see, ‘‘hey I can do this, I want to take care of my family, and I shouldn’t resent my wife.’’ (and hopefully in turn, the porn and other issues, will dissipate. Somewhere along the lines, I think your husband was greatly pampered growing up–perhaps wasn’t taught proper boundaries. When people grow up like that, they assume there will always be someone else to take care of everything. But, I’d still press him about seeking counseling, because that could greatly benefit the two of you, mainly him. You sound like a gem, and I’m sorry you’re struggling, but keep praying, so will I, that your husband’s experience will serve him as a great teacher, and he’ll learn to be thankful for you, and the situation that he’s in, instead of resenting it.

(((hugs))) to you. :hug1:*

 

[kittery]

*Hi kittery;

It’s funny, your name looked SO familiar, but I didn’t put it together until the poster ‘‘ack’’ posted those links. In lieu of now remembering some of the background of your marriage, I think that there is more at play for your situation, than just your husband being jealous of you staying at home. I also glossed over (unintentionally) your medical issues. That changes my advice significantly, for YOU. I think that anyone who has serious medical concerns, can’t be expected to clean the house, watch kids, etc. So, I think that I would say your husband ‘‘appears’’ selfish in the respect that he isn’t willing to help, and seems angry that he has to be the sole breadwinner. You know, in reading through your post here, about the porn situation, it doesn’t sound like you feel he has fully given up the habit, and he has not been to counseling. I heard something that might be helpful to you on the radio yesterday. The talk show host said…’‘experience is our best teacher.’’ Your husband sounds like he is selfish in many ways–you have been there to take care of everything. Now you CANNOT work, and help in that regard, and he is resentful. BUT…the silver lining in this COULD be that he will have to LEARN HIS WAY THROUGH, of how to become less selfish, and not be resentful of being that sole breadwinner. God works in mysterious ways. Not that He gave you your illness, but He perhaps is permitting it, because there is a bigger thing here at stake, your marriage. And your husband’s ability to think outside of himself. I was a very selfish person when I first married. When we had kids, and I became a SAHM, woah nelly, I grew up real fast! So, I think that this could be ‘‘good’’ in the sense that while you are going through it, it’s painful, in the end (hopefully) your husband will grow stronger…and learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him. Some of us take a little longer to learn that. Hopefully, he will see, ‘‘hey I can do this, I want to take care of my family, and I shouldn’t resent my wife.’’ (and hopefully in turn, the porn and other issues, will dissipate. Somewhere along the lines, I think your husband was greatly pampered growing up–perhaps wasn’t taught proper boundaries. When people grow up like that, they assume there will always be someone else to take care of everything. But, I’d still press him about seeking counseling, because that could greatly benefit the two of you, mainly him. You sound like a gem, and I’m sorry you’re struggling, but keep praying, so will I, that your husband’s experience will serve him as a great teacher, and he’ll learn to be thankful for you, and the situation that he’s in, instead of resenting it.

(((hugs))) to you. :hug1:*

WGirl,

Thank you for helping me to look at this from a new perspective. Perhaps God IS permitting this difficult pregnancy in order to put us in these exact circumstances. When my husband and I met, I was a partner in a fairly successful business. With my nursing degree I am able to bring home more money than he does, and was doing just that when I was working full time night shift. He was in a pretty good mood those two months. Then, ever since I’ve resigned, it has not been good.

What would you say if I told you that he was for sure not pampered growing up? That he was one of 14 children, right in the middle of all of them (#8)? I definitely agree that he was not taught boundaries- he was raised by his siblings more than anything. But how do these facts apply to today? I have a hard time understanding how childhood stuff like this affects us as adults, and ultimately here, as a spouse?

Thank you for your prayers, WGirl!

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi kittery;

Yes, in some ways, God ‘‘permits’’ suffering to help us grow. I am reading the book now by CS Lewis, called The Problem of Pain–it’s not as depressing as it sounds! lol But Lewis talks a lot about the phenomenon on suffering, why God permits it, and how a loving God doesn’t always give us ‘what we want,’ because if He did, that actually **wouldn’t **be loving. It’s so enlightening, I highly suggest reading it, as it could help, if nothing else, you to cope with some of the issues with your husband. Now, your husband’s issues as a kid…I think the reason why we grow up with problems from our childhood, is because like all things, we have to take things in steps. Like a baby crawls, and then walks…we too have to ‘‘get over’’ and heal from our childhood issues, or they will ‘‘follow us’’ into adulthood. That ‘little boy/girl’ has to heal, or we will ‘‘act out’’ those unfinished areas of our life. Sorry, don’t mean to go psycho-babble on you, but it is true. I learned this in my own life, from my own childhood issues. I think that if your husband would be willing to go to counseling for some of his issues, it would help a lot. Could be a number of things he’s thinking back to–how his siblings raised him, mainly. He might have resentment for it…who knows.

Are things any better by the way, with you staying at home, etc? Have things been less tense? I hope so. But, in the meantime, remember…he is walking through this, and either he will grow from it or not. Resentment is often our way of refusing to accept change. lol He will have to accept it, at least for the year that you’re out of work. I am praying for a healthy and happy pregnancy…!! :hug1: Not sure if my ramblings have helped at all…didn’t mean to off on a tangent. *

 

[KCT]

To the original question, I reply, “No way, Jose!!”

My husband would not have wanted to be a stay at home dad. A couple of times he stayed home while I traveled and he could not wait to get back to work.

Everyone’s different.

 

[smallcat]

Others have said this more eloquently than I, but the way your husband is acting is a symptom of a deeper problem, not the problem in itself.

I saw a situation very similar to yours play out in my own marriage, and I dealt with the symptoms (pornography, not enough help around the house, irritation at the kids and their noise, lack of intimacy) for years before realizing that was like putting a band-aid on a gushing wound. The realy problem was DH’s depression, and until that was cared for and understood (note: not necessarily eliminated), nothing could get better. Once he started receiving treatment for that and we obtained counseling together-- that’s when things started to turn around.

Please, encourage him to get help and even if he won’t, get some help for yourself. It is very emotionally and spiritually draining to be in a situation like this.

Many prayers to you.