Do I file for divorce?

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Anaeli

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I am trying to decide weather I should file for divorce. Because I am in the center of this, the answer is not clear to me as it probably is to others. I really don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ve never posted to any blog anywhere before. I am desperate. I know I have to act. I just don’t know how to act. I am having a hard time deciding what is right for me, my two children, and even my husband. Please someone give me some godly advise.

I will start off by saying that my issues are that I am an extremely insecure person, I have trouble completing things and I have trouble making decisions. I lack initiative and I tend to bury my head in the sand. These things really really bothered my husband from day one and he says he just thought I would change one day and “make something of myself”. He has a lot of anger towards me. He says he feels as though he has been alone in this marriage. He is very ambitious and is always trying to get ahead. The problem he has is that he has never been good with finances. He spends money without thinking or planing. Those problems culminated in us filing for bankruptcy just recently. He blames me for this and says that if he had been married to someone with initiative and drive, we would not be in this boat. I am not really ambitious. I just envisioned us raising a family and leading a simple life. I enjoy the simple things in life and don’t really care about becoming rich, like he does. All that being said, it is really hard form me now a days not to see myself as a complete loser. With my family in shambles, I have nothing.

There have been a number of infidelities on his part throughout the marriage. I didn’t find out about any of them until 6 years ago, when I found out about one other woman. He then confessed to me that there had been many others. He even named them all for me. We were separated for a while due to that third person. Two years ago he wanted to reconcile and he left her. Around the same time, I lost my job, and we expedited our move to a new house. At first I was trying to find a job and it was very useless. I did become very discouraged, but mostly because he started to complain constantly about my lack of a job. His complaining about having to pay for everything really stressed me out. I must say he makes an extremely good living, however due to all the debt he incurred while we were apart, he could not keep up with all the payments. So we moved back in together to a new house, and he was disappointed that I am still the same person I’ve always been and frustrated by the financial situation. He restarted his extramarital relationship and started to live a life completely separate from me and the kids. Stupidly, I sometimes think maybe he will change, because things start to go better at home. I’m constantly praying for him and us. However just yesterday someone sent me a picture of my husband and the other woman at an Italian restaurant holding hands. What is worse is that he is pictured there with some of our old friends. He obviously doesn’t even hide it anymore. When I asked him about it, he said he doesn’t care what I think and that we have been over for years. He says he made a huge mistake with me and feels stuck because he cannot afford to move out. He is extremely angry with me and says I manipulated this whole situation to have him stuck in this house and ruin his life. He says he hates me.

So here I am, with no job. For a year I looked for a job and got one job offer. My husband encouraged me to decline it because it would require me to be gone in the evenings when the kids need me the most, and I agreed. I did go back to school recently and that is going very well. I am in school full time, I cook, I clean, and I take care of the kids. I am not useless like he says I am. Yet I feel like a huge failure. I never have even a single dollar in my pocket. I have to ask for money for every little thing (groceries, gas, kids lunch money) and he resents me even more every time. Meanwhile he comes and goes as he pleases and is hardly ever with the kids. Also not once since I lost my job have I bought anything for myself. I ask my mom to buy me deodorant and shampoo. All my clothes are old and I haven’t had a haircut in a long time. I’m even embarrassed to do things with other kids and their moms because of the holes in all my shirts (I’m not kidding). I used to work in an office and I was used to dressing up every day and looking respectable. I feel ugly and useless. I feel I have to act, but don’t know what to do. I know I have a lot of issues, but wanting to ruin my husband, like he says, is not one of them. If anything, I’ve tried to show him that I care about him in the things I do at home and by being around when he wants to talk…I have tried and prayed countless hours.

I’m desperate for a word of advise. My mind is foggy and I can’t really think straight. Every option seems wrong. I know something must change or I will fall apart completely.
 
You sound like you may have clinical depression. You should see a doctor. Your children need you to be strong and healthy. Your husband has an obligation to support you and your children. You should consult an attorney regarding a separation agreement. It doesn’t sound like you have a valid, functioning marriage anyway. Consult with your pastor. Stay close to God and the Church.
 
Your situation is very disturbing on many levels but I assure you that if you take the time to do the right things that you will find your way forward. I understand that when you feel you have no one to talk to that seeking help here could be appealing. You will find that many wonderful people on this forum will support you with prayer and will truly care about you and your family. But, I urge you to seek help as soon as you can from your parish priest as this is the best place to start. I will pray for the Holy Spirit to lead you in your next steps and I will pray for God to give you the strength and courage you need in whatever has to happen.
 
Anaeli said:
I am trying to decide weather I should file for divorce. Because I am in the center of this, the answer is not clear to me as it probably is to others. I really don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ve never posted to any blog anywhere before. I am desperate. I know I have to act. I just don’t know how to act. I am having a hard time deciding what is right for me, my two children, and even my husband. Please someone give me some godly advise.

I will start off by saying that my issues are that I am an extremely insecure person, I have trouble completing things and I have trouble making decisions. I lack initiative and I tend to bury my head in the sand. These things really really bothered my husband from day one and he says he just thought I would change one day and “make something of myself”. He has a lot of anger towards me. He says he feels as though he has been alone in this marriage. He is very ambitious and is always trying to get ahead. The problem he has is that he has never been good with finances. He spends money without thinking or planing. Those problems culminated in us filing for bankruptcy just recently. He blames me for this and says that if he had been married to someone with initiative and drive, we would not be in this boat. I am not really ambitious. I just envisioned us raising a family and leading a simple life. I enjoy the simple things in life and don’t really care about becoming rich, like he does. All that being said, it is really hard form me now a days not to see myself as a complete loser. With my family in shambles, I have nothing.

There have been a number of infidelities on his part throughout the marriage. I didn’t find out about any of them until 6 years ago, when I found out about one other woman. He then confessed to me that there had been many others. He even named them all for me. We were separated for a while due to that third person. Two years ago he wanted to reconcile and he left her. Around the same time, I lost my job, and we expedited our move to a new house. At first I was trying to find a job and it was very useless. I did become very discouraged, but mostly because he started to complain constantly about my lack of a job. His complaining about having to pay for everything really stressed me out. I must say he makes an extremely good living, however due to all the debt he incurred while we were apart, he could not keep up with all the payments. So we moved back in together to a new house, and he was disappointed that I am still the same person I’ve always been and frustrated by the financial situation. He restarted his extramarital relationship and started to live a life completely separate from me and the kids. Stupidly, I sometimes think maybe he will change, because things start to go better at home. I’m constantly praying for him and us. However just yesterday someone sent me a picture of my husband and the other woman at an Italian restaurant holding hands. What is worse is that he is pictured there with some of our old friends. He obviously doesn’t even hide it anymore. When I asked him about it, he said he doesn’t care what I think and that we have been over for years. He says he made a huge mistake with me and feels stuck because he cannot afford to move out. He is extremely angry with me and says I manipulated this whole situation to have him stuck in this house and ruin his life. He says he hates me.

So here I am, with no job. For a year I looked for a job and got one job offer. My husband encouraged me to decline it because it would require me to be gone in the evenings when the kids need me the most, and I agreed. I did go back to school recently and that is going very well. I am in school full time, I cook, I clean, and I take care of the kids. I am not useless like he says I am. Yet I feel like a huge failure. I never have even a single dollar in my pocket. I have to ask for money for every little thing (groceries, gas, kids lunch money) and he resents me even more every time. Meanwhile he comes and goes as he pleases and is hardly ever with the kids. Also not once since I lost my job have I bought anything for myself. I ask my mom to buy me deodorant and shampoo. All my clothes are old and I haven’t had a haircut in a long time. I’m even embarrassed to do things with other kids and their moms because of the holes in all my shirts (I’m not kidding). I used to work in an office and I was used to dressing up every day and looking respectable. I feel ugly and useless. I feel I have to act, but don’t know what to do. I know I have a lot of issues, but wanting to ruin my husband, like he says, is not one of them. If anything, I’ve tried to show him that I care about him in the things I do at home and by being around when he wants to talk…I have tried and prayed countless hours.

I’m desperate for a word of advise. My mind is foggy and I can’t really think straight. Every option seems wrong. I know something must change or I will fall apart completely.
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You should always seek the opinion of your pastor or confessor before filing for separation or divorce or a Catholic Marriage Counselor. But it does seem your husband is treating you badly. Sounds like you have grounds to me. Do you have family that can help you any? If you want to stay in the marriage it looks like you will just have to ignore his infidelities, but I would keep separate beds - for the sake of your health.

Pax
Linus2nd
 
Anaeli,

I am so sorry you are dealing with his Mental Abuse. And that is what it is – abuse. Great he has ambition but when his plans fail, him blaming you is a cowardly action. The extra affairs, and abuse, blaming you for HIS failures – I do not even know the guy (I would not call him a man) but I have no respect for him. Do not let his failure of trying to be a man effect the way you view yourself. Pray for strength to get through this – talk to a Priest – and tell him that his failures are not because of you but his own fault. After all he has done you have been there for him, and he being selfish does not recognize it.

But back to you.  When you were separated from him – were you happier, self-reliant, and less foggy? I bet you were. Remember you are NOT useless or ugly – you have a tough job taking care of the kids – even though we do not know how many or how old they are. Be strong for yourself and your kids, show them that even though you are not ambitious – which can be a virtue – you can be content with who you are and what you have. Also you are a beautiful person – do not let him take that from you, as he thought that also – and that is why he wanted to marry you. But his failure as a man causes him to blame you and not himself.

As for you family being in “shambles” that is and never was your doing! Again he is at fault! But again look back at when you were separated from him – were you happier, self-reliant, and less foggy? Remain strong – trust in God – and post here whenever you need to talk or vent, we are all here to support you and each other.

May God grant you peace and happiness.

Winter
 
It sounds like your husband needs some serious counseling. He is taking out his shame and frustration on you. See if you can get him some. Does he have any male friends? Do they do anything productive together, even if it’s fishing? Does he volunteer? Is he going to classes? Anything like that might help his attitude and get him in a better mood. Sadly, he’s not the first man to be unfaithful; but that’s probably tied into his attitude too. If he can get over the attitude, he will probably be an okay husband, too.

So if your kids aren’t in danger and aren’t being physically or emotionally abused, and if you can still take your husband’s short fuse without killing him or getting down on yourself too much, I would say that you shouldn’t divorce. He’s not a good example at the moment, but divorce is a really bad thing for kids. (It’s also not a good thing for adults, except in serious emergencies.) Having parents who argue is something you can get over, and a lot of spouses do get better relationships when stress levels go down.

Divorce is expensive. It will not improve your finances or your husband’s. Annulments aren’t easy to get. Child support, court… all kinds of reasons to put up with the status quo, unless it really is an emergency.

Like I say, my parents used to argue like cats and dogs, and us kids used to argue like cats and dogs. But my parents now are much happier than when us kids were teenagers, because the stress level has gone down and their financial situation is easier, just like we kids are nicer because we’re no longer teenagers. Stress wears on people, but it’s also a temporary thing. It can go away. Things do tend to get better.
 
Mintaka said:
It sounds like your husband needs some serious counseling. He is taking out his shame and frustration on you. See if you can get him some. Does he have any male friends? Do they do anything productive together, even if it’s fishing? Does he volunteer? Is he going to classes? Anything like that might help his attitude and get him in a better mood. Sadly, he’s not the first man to be unfaithful; but that’s probably tied into his attitude too. If he can get over the attitude, he will probably be an okay husband, too.

So if your kids aren’t in danger and aren’t being physically or emotionally abused, and if you can still take your husband’s short fuse without killing him or getting down on yourself too much, I would say that you shouldn’t divorce. He’s not a good example at the moment, but divorce is a really bad thing for kids. (It’s also not a good thing for adults, except in serious emergencies.) Having parents who argue is something you can get over, and a lot of spouses do get better relationships when stress levels go down.

Divorce is expensive. It will not improve your finances or your husband’s. Annulments aren’t easy to get. Child support, court… all kinds of reasons to put up with the status quo, unless it really is an emergency.

Like I say, my parents used to argue like cats and dogs, and us kids used to argue like cats and dogs. But my parents now are much happier than when us kids were teenagers, because the stress level has gone down and their financial situation is easier, just like we kids are nicer because we’re no longer teenagers. Stress wears on people, but it’s also a temporary thing. It can go away. Things do tend to get better.
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This man is mentally and emotionally abusing his wife. He routinely publicly and privately humiliates her.

He is consistently unfaithful and has been for years including leaving to live with one of his mistresses. (Have you had an STD screening recently, OP?)

He is running up debt, partially on expenses related to his many mistresses.

On top of all that, even he has said the marriage is over and has been for years! He probably would have filed for divorce himself if it wasn’t for the fact that he’d have to pay child support and alimony. He likely hasn’t bothered because he is having his cake and eating it, too! Got the wife at home to take care of his needs and he gets to go out and have a good time with women on the side.

This is much more than arguing and it’s not likely to get any better. He’s run his wife so far into the ground it’s a wonder she can see daylight. Considering the man isn’t even bothering to hide his affairs, how long do you think it’ll be before the kids start to hear about it? And that’s if they don’t have an idea already. Kids hear and see more than most adults give them credit for.

Additionally, this is the kid of guy that these children should see as an example of fatherhood and marriage? You don’t think what they see and hear their father doing is at least emotionally abusive to them?

Yes, divorce can be difficult. I know, I was divorced. And it was the best decision I ever made for myself and my children. I, too, was married to an unfaithful, abusive, lying, financially irresponsible sorry excuse for a man. My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner. My life and the lives of my children are so much better than they ever could have been had I stayed “married”. The kids and I found peace and stability. That is priceless.

If I were you, OP, I’d head straight to a lawyer and begin the process. And I’d make sure that the debt he ran up is listed as his alone in the divorce papers. You owe it to yourself and your kids.
 
I also think that you should begin by talking to your pastor. If you think that you won’t be able to explain everything to him, print out your original post and ask him to read it. You can also show it to your lawyer. You laid our your problems pretty well. You will be in my prayers.
 
I am sorry you are too g through this. I really think you need to seek counciling first off. Not being able to follow through or make decisions is difficult. Please work on yourself to make yourself strong enough to be able to get through whatever is going to come. This is abuse. If you want to see your pastor that’s good to but please seek counciling. It cannot hurt to see lawyers either. You don’t have to file for a divorce but it might be helpful to see what your rights are and hopefully help you get confidence.
 
Linusthe2nd said:
You should always seek the opinion of your pastor or confessor before filing for separation or divorce or a Catholic Marriage Counselor. But it does seem your husband is treating you badly. Sounds like you have grounds to me. Do you have family that can help you any? If you want to stay in the marriage it looks like you will just have to ignore his infidelities, but I would keep separate beds - for the sake of your health.

Pax
Linus2nd
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Thank you for your advise. Yes, my family is great. I have my parents who live in my same town and 3 siblings who are always there for me. However, I have not shared all these details with them, because I’m embarrassed and because I didn’t want any drama when we are all together. They only know we have problems. I guess sooner or later they will have to know. As for the separate beds, it has been this way for these two years.
 
Winter_Warlock said:
Anaeli,

I am so sorry you are dealing with his Mental Abuse. And that is what it is – abuse. Great he has ambition but when his plans fail, him blaming you is a cowardly action. The extra affairs, and abuse, blaming you for HIS failures – I do not even know the guy (I would not call him a man) but I have no respect for him. Do not let his failure of trying to be a man effect the way you view yourself. Pray for strength to get through this – talk to a Priest – and tell him that his failures are not because of you but his own fault. After all he has done you have been there for him, and he being selfish does not recognize it.

But back to you.  When you were separated from him – were you happier, self-reliant, and less foggy? I bet you were. Remember you are NOT useless or ugly – you have a tough job taking care of the kids – even though we do not know how many or how old they are. Be strong for yourself and your kids, show them that even though you are not ambitious – which can be a virtue – you can be content with who you are and what you have. Also you are a beautiful person – do not let him take that from you, as he thought that also – and that is why he wanted to marry you. But his failure as a man causes him to blame you and not himself.

As for you family being in “shambles” that is and never was your doing! Again he is at fault! But again look back at when you were separated from him – were you happier, self-reliant, and less foggy? Remain strong – trust in God – and post here whenever you need to talk or vent, we are all here to support you and each other.

May God grant you peace and happiness.

Winter
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Yes, when I was on my own I was definitely not foggy and self reliant. I know I smiled a lot more. I didn’t have a lot of help from him and even though my salary was not great, I always managed. At least I had peace. I did not appreciate it at the time, because all I could focus on was my failed marriage and thought we would all be happier if we were together. My kids are 6 and 8. They are old enough to see everything that’s going on. Thank you for your kind words.
 
Thank you all so much for your responses and your prayers. I cannot tell you how truly refreshing it is to hear other people’s take on this. Just making contact with others has made me feel as though I’m doing something. As most of you suggested, I think I will call my pastor. I will call him first thing tomorrow morning. I like Marysann’s suggestion of printing out my post and having him read it. I had thought of calling him before, but honestly I didn’t have the nerve. Mostly, I’m embarrassed by my situation. Maybe my pastor can recommend a good counselor. I never in my life thought I would say this, but if divorce is what needs to happen, then so be it. I just feel better with the idea of going to my pastor first. Once again, thank you all so much. I appreciate the prayers immensely.
 
Honestly, from everything that has been posted (granted, it’s only one side of the story) this marriage has been over for a long time. He’s just avoiding the divorce process because it will cost him in alimony/child support. And the courts don’t care if he has debt to pay off.

In every other way, this man has already left the marriage.

Talk to a priest and do what’s necessary to protect the legal/financial interests of you and your kids. And please see a doctor about depression. There is no reason to live with that when it can be treated.
 
masondoggy said:
Honestly, from everything that has been posted (granted, it’s only one side of the story) this marriage has been over for a long time. He’s just avoiding the divorce process because it will cost him in alimony/child support. And the courts don’t care if he has debt to pay off.

In every other way, this man has already left the marriage.

Talk to a priest and do what’s necessary to protect the legal/financial interests of you and your kids. And please see a doctor about depression. There is no reason to live with that when it can be treated.
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Yes.
 
Anaeli said:
Thank you for your advise. Yes, my family is great. I have my parents who live in my same town and 3 siblings who are always there for me. However, I have not shared all these details with them, because I’m embarrassed and because I didn’t want any drama when we are all together. They only know we have problems. I guess sooner or later they will have to know. As for the separate beds, it has been this way for these two years.
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You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about! You aren’t the one having affairs and ruining the family financially and emotionally. The only one who should hang their head in shame is your “husband”.
 
Anaeli said:
Thank you for your advise. Yes, my family is great. I have my parents who live in my same town and 3 siblings who are always there for me. However, I have not shared all these details with them, because I’m embarrassed and because I didn’t want any drama when we are all together. They only know we have problems. I guess sooner or later they will have to know. As for the separate beds, it has been this way for these two years.
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It’s very good you have so much local support!
 
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