Do I Have A Reason To Attend This Invalid Wedding?

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AngelTears

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Hello,

I am in need of some quick spiritual direction.

Next month, my uncle is “marrying” a divorced catholic woman. My uncle is catholic as well. I’m not sure the conditions surrounding her divorce, but I’m pretty sure (almost certain) the wedding is invalid in the eyes of the Church. In any case, they are not marrying inside the Church (they’re having a non-denoninational service in a chapel downtown).

Of course, I have been asked to attend. My parents and Grandmother both let on to the couple that I would be there (without my real consent), so refusal at this point would seem rude and awkward. Not only that, but my Grandmother would be crushed if I did not attend and I’m sure it would cause a rift in my relationship with my family.

Now as I understand, the Church does not forbid Her people from attending invalid weddings, but strongly cautions against it due to the possibility of creating scandal (would my presence signify consent?). Since both sides are catholic in root, I’m sure the invalidness of the wedding will be known to some degree, so I don’t think the possibility of scandal is as great as the definite hurt my non-attendance would cause. I really don’t think anyone will look at me as an example of what the Church believes anyway. I may be fresh off a catholic mission, but I am probably one of the youngest adults invited.

Now I should make it clear…I do not approve of this wedding for I see two professing catholics committing sin. I do not want to cause scandal, but I am trying to avoid hurt.

Would I be committing a mortal sin by attendance, or can I go out of love for my uncle and his girlfriend because the hurt caused not going would be great?

I have been asked by the bride to do a reading at the wedding. Should or can I do this, or is this involving myself too much and is too risky of scandal? (my grandmother told her I’d do it so I’d like to avoid seeming rude).

Since I have to get back to her for the reading, a quick reply would be very much appreciated.

I thank you for your time,

AT
 
AngelTears said:
Of course, I have been asked to attend. My parents and Grandmother both let on to the couple that I would be there (without my real consent), so refusal at this point would seem rude and awkward. Not only that, but my Grandmother would be crushed if I did not attend and I’m sure it would cause a rift in my relationship with my family.
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Honestly, IMO this should answer the question. No need to create a rift with your family. Then again I don’t follow Catholic teachings I agree with. Then again for 95% of Catholics attending weddings like this isn’t even a question. Why don’t you ask a priest instead of random SUPER CONSERVATIVE Catholics on the internet. I bet most priests would say go.
 
Looks like you’re under a lot of family pressure. Ten years ago, while I was away from the Church, my husband and I got married in a non-denominational ceremony. My parents told me flat out that they would not attend because they knew the marriage would not be valid in the eyes of the Church. I was disappointed, but I understood their position. Five years later after I had returned to the Church, I had my marriage convalidated, and they were ecstatic to attend.

I garnered more respect for their stand on their principles and adherence to the teachings of the Church, even at that time, than I would have if they had grudgingly attended and scowled throughout the ceremony. That, to me, would have created more scandal.

This is not to say that the same would happen to your uncle and his fiance. If you really don’t want to go, don’t go. Tell them as plainly as you can why you cannot condone this marriage at this time. It would not be a mortal sin to attend, but it would be problematic. It seems like you care for the mortal state of your uncle - what better way to express your love for him than to share your concerns?

Sometimes rifts in families are worse when loved ones are not honest with each other. Pray on this and may God guide you towards the right decision.

God Bless.
 
Here is a letter that my pastor wrote regarding this type of situation:

*Hello, Catholic Answers Folks,

Yesterday (5/25) I was listening to an online-cast of CA Live and heard Tim Staples reply to a woman who asked, if I heard correctly, about the morality of a Catholic attending the wedding of a Catholic outside the Church.

Mr. (Dr?) Staples replied that the Church does not have a specific rule addressing this issue because it’s a matter of prudential judgment.

I’m concerned that such an answer given in such a broad venue of audience could serve to give many insufficiently catechized people permission to engage in a sinful practice.

If I may be allowed to comment-

The Church cannot comprehensively articulate every sin; it would not be reasonable to expect her to do so. This is why she stresses the need for a correctly formed conscience.

The constitutive act of a wedding makes a statement about the faith, (or complete lack thereof) of the principal participants. They are saying that they are entering into what is commonly understood to be a bond publicly acknowledged to be lawful. Guests invited are thereby being asked to celebrate and support this act.

A Catholic’s presence at an event by which one of the principal participants repudiates their own Catholic faith indicates, by actions, if not words, approval (cf. the Catechism[CCC] #1868). “Actions speak louder than words.” Attendance at such a wedding is therefore sinful, as it is a sharing in the act of the repudiation of the Faith by the Catholic party engaging in the act of entering into an illicit marriage.

Even if a Catholic party does not intend their attendance as support for the illicit act, they at least cause scandal ( 2 Mac 6:18-31; Mt 18:7; Lk 17:1, 2; CCC #29, #2284).

As to the cost to familial relationships of witnessing to our Faith, Our Lord tells in the Gospel that His teaching will sometimes divide families (Lk 12:51-53). He tells us that if we prefer family members to Him we cannot be His disciples (Lk 14:26).

It is certainly a form of martyrdom to witness to our Faith at the risk of estranging family members, but is it unknown that Our Lord sometimes demands such a strong witness to the Faith, to the extent that we sin gravely if we do not answer affirmatively to such a call(cf. 2 Mac 6:26, 30)?

The caller made a profound observation, indicating that she recognized that those inviting her to the wedding knew of her Faith and that attending was not consistent to her beliefs, thereby turning on its head any potential accusation towards her of lack of consideration of how people would feel.

I should let you know that I’m a long-time supporter of Catholic Answers, not intending to be a lurking would-be detractor, waiting in concealment for the first slight slip of the tongue.

In a way it’s not really a fair situation. Although I can hear what you folks are saying, you aren’t usually able to sit in my congregation and pick apart my words (you would certainly be more than welcome to, however, as I need all the critique of my preaching & teaching–as well as humility–that I can get!).

Please keep up the great work.

God bless!*
 
Welcome to CAF, AngelTears! 👋

Although bingbang has problems with some Catholic teachings and is not necessarily the person I would go to for a Catholic perspective on the matter, I agree with bingbang that your best bet would be to talk to a priest whom you trust on the matter.

I’ve heard varying answers from good priests about the issue. Some say not to go (as amgp’s post illustrates), but I’ve heard others tell me to just think of it as a party. A priest would be in a better position to speak to you about the specifics of your situation and explain it to you fully. Perhaps the priest might even be able to contact your uncle and explain to him what steps to take to be married within the Church. Certainly your uncle’s pastor should be made aware of the situation so that he can talk to your uncle about it.

Just to offer a few points to consider, I think part of it depends upon your relationship with those being wed. I think a parent has a much more serious obligation to chime in than a friend or more distant relative. I think sometimes we overestimate our own importance in regard to the fear of scandal. But then again, I suppose it’s better to be cautious than lax.

Regardless of whether or not you go to the wedding, I would politely decline the invitation to do a reading. It’s one thing to attend, but quite another to participate. You don’t have to give them a reason, just a polite, “No, thank you.”

Again, though, I think your best bet is talking to a priest about it.
 
Thank you everyone for such informative posts. While I did consult my parish priests on the matter, I thought I should get some different view points so not only can I make a decision this time, but better understand the reasoning behind it.

My priests are saying the same thing as I see here. Go, but try to politely decline the reading.

Thanks,

AT
 
If your uncle’s fiancee had an annulment, would it still be an issue? I don’t want to sound rude here, but from what I understand lots of Catholics get divorced and remarry other Catholics. I’m not saying it’s okay, but it happens and I would think that many of those couples got annulments?
 
For God’s sake, and for sake of family harmony, attend the wedding! This is where religion becomes foolish, when it works to divide families rather than unite them.

I am old enough to remember when Catholics were forbidden to attend any baptism, wedding or funeral in any Protestant church. Let’s be grateful to John XXIII and Vatican II for ending that silliness. I recall all the special family events that Catholics missed because of this bad rule.
We all make mistakes. Divorced people may have married poorly. We all have many faults. Jesus said something about 'Judge not, lest ye be judged!' We have to be careful not to let religion become a barrier when it should be a bridge.
 
Roy5, thank you for an insightful response! I agree as well. I would imagine that if one was truly concerned about a family member’s spiritual state, maybe consider praying for the soon-to-be married couple?
 
Roy5 said:
Code: 
We all make mistakes.
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Exactly. But that doesn’t mean that we should be complicit in another’s “mistake”.

Please read post #4. “Attendance at such a wedding is sinful, as it is a sharing in the act of the repudiation of the Faith by the Catholic party engaging in the act of entering into an illicit marriage.”

As Catholics, we’re called to make hard choices. “Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.” (Luke 12:51-53)
 
Has the OP confirmed that the wedding is in fact, invalid? Has the OP confirmed that the fiancee had an annulment? If we can’t get definite answers about that, then this entire conversation could just be gossip.
 
spunjalebi said:
Has the OP confirmed that the wedding is in fact, invalid? Has the OP confirmed that the fiancee had an annulment? If we can’t get definite answers about that, then this entire conversation could just be gossip.
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Their marrying outside the Church. That tells me something right there. If this where all on the up and up why not just have the wedding in the Church? Aren’t we as Catholics called to marry in the Catholic Church? Last time I checked we where.

Angeltears,
If you do choose to go definitely decline the reading. If I where you, I would also have a talk with your parents and grandma about accepting invites without your consent.
 
Many Catholics marry outside the church for various reasons. I say this is ridiculous-- heck, why not decline invitation to other wedding invites too if they aren’t Catholic? Her uncle and the fiancee are going to get married either way, with or without her attending. I still say this is ridiculous. For goodness sakes, if this is what people think of their wedding, good thing I don’t really share what happened with my own nuptials.
 
AngelTears said:
Hello,

I am in need of some quick spiritual direction.

Next month, my uncle is “marrying” a divorced catholic woman. My uncle is catholic as well. I’m not sure the conditions surrounding her divorce, but I’m pretty sure (almost certain) the wedding is invalid in the eyes of the Church. In any case, they are not marrying inside the Church (they’re having a non-denoninational service in a chapel downtown).

Of course, I have been asked to attend. My parents and Grandmother both let on to the couple that I would be there (without my real consent), so refusal at this point would seem rude and awkward. Not only that, but my Grandmother would be crushed if I did not attend and I’m sure it would cause a rift in my relationship with my family.

Now as I understand, the Church does not forbid Her people from attending invalid weddings, but strongly cautions against it due to the possibility of creating scandal (would my presence signify consent?). Since both sides are catholic in root, I’m sure the invalidness of the wedding will be known to some degree, so I don’t think the possibility of scandal is as great as the definite hurt my non-attendance would cause. I really don’t think anyone will look at me as an example of what the Church believes anyway. I may be fresh off a catholic mission, but I am probably one of the youngest adults invited.

Now I should make it clear…I do not approve of this wedding for I see two professing catholics committing sin. I do not want to cause scandal, but I am trying to avoid hurt.

Would I be committing a mortal sin by attendance, or can I go out of love for my uncle and his girlfriend because the hurt caused not going would be great?

I have been asked by the bride to do a reading at the wedding. Should or can I do this, or is this involving myself too much and is too risky of scandal? (my grandmother told her I’d do it so I’d like to avoid seeming rude).

Since I have to get back to her for the reading, a quick reply would be very much appreciated.

I thank you for your time,

AT
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First, how old are you?

Second, if you are “of age”, it is rude for others to make promises regarding you.

Third, in the old Baltimore Catechism (only in a print edition, not anything I have found available online), it stated that a Catholic who was married by a non-Catholic minister would incur excommunication and that Catholics should not attend such weddings nor give gifts.

Just some food for thought.
 
Roy5 said:
and for sake of family harmony, attend the wedding! This is where religion becomes foolish, when it works to divide families rather than unite them.
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But did not Jesus Himself also say that He came to divide, and that family members would be set against each other?
 
I’d skip the actual wedding ceremony and attend any reception afterwards.
 
spunjalebi said:
Many Catholics marry outside the church for various reasons. I say this is ridiculous-- heck, why not decline invitation to other wedding invites too if they aren’t Catholic? Her uncle and the fiancee are going to get married either way, with or without her attending. I still say this is ridiculous. For goodness sakes, if this is what people think of their wedding, good thing I don’t really share what happened with my own nuptials.
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Just because many people are doing it doesn’t make it right. I personally know of a couple who are in an invalid marriage. They did marry outside of the Church. Both are divorced and did receive their annulments. The woman then went and married a practicing Catholic. She had the blessing of the Church in that marriage. She divorced him sometime after that. She then went on and married the guy whom she is with now, another Catholic. They married outside of the Church without her getting an annulment. The priest considers their marriage invalid and refuses to allow them to receive the Holy Eucharist. They refuse to live like brother and sister which is a requirement in such a situation. So yes, to the Church it does matter.

Like I said, last time I checked Catholics are supposed to get married with in the Church.
 
You can get married outside of the church as a Catholic as long as you get married in another Christian church from what I understand. There are lots of people I’ve met who were Catholic and had fiances who were going to be deployed to Iraq or Kuwait, and weren’t able to get married in the CC due to time constraints. Pre-marriage preparation takes at minimum, 6 months and some people can’t do that.

This discussion kind of reminds me of some of the things a coworker told me about why she left the CC. Considering how petty issues like this can become, I can see why things like this gave her such ill feelings.
 
spunjalebi said:
You can get married outside of the church as a Catholic as long as you get married in another Christian church from what I understand. There are lots of people I’ve met who were Catholic and had fiances who were going to be deployed to Iraq or Kuwait, and weren’t able to get married in the CC due to time constraints. Pre-marriage preparation takes at minimum, 6 months and some people can’t do that.

This discussion kind of reminds me of some of the things a coworker told me about why she left the CC. Considering how petty issues like this can become, I can see why things like this gave her such ill feelings.
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The only way that I know of that a person can marry outside of their parish is if they get a dispensation from their bishop and even then a priest must participate in the exchange of vows. In such a case they are not marrying outside of the Church. If they do not get the dispensation and go marry in some location other than a Catholic Church then chances are their marriage will be invalid. Like I said above I know a couple who got married outside of the Church and are considered to be in an invalid marriage. For the record they are still active in their parish.
 
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