Do I have any obligation to talk to my room mate's priest?

[StrawberryJam]

Well, last night was horrible. My room mate who is a lapsed catholic had a visit from his estranged wife last night and I begged him to please not drink (he tends to go overboard since she left him) and I begged him to not argue with her no matter what she says or does but just be calm. His nerves are shot most of the time so I thought I gave him sensible advice. I told him I would leave and go to a friends house so they would have privacy. He told me he wanted me to stay and not go anywhere in case he “needed a witness” to what he calls “bizzare” behavior. I did not want to stay, but he convinced me to because he claims she is troubled and does strange things. Well, they were talking outside for a while and they grilled chicken and had some wine. When I say some, I mean 2 bottles between them both. After about an hour or so, they started to fight. So they moved their discussion into the house and turned on the air and shut the windows. Well, things got rather ugly after another hour and another bottle of wine. The screaming and name calling was scary. I wished I had not stayed. I do remember hearing some things that worried me though.
Here is some minor backround. He was married before he married her. His first wife died.
She kept screaming at him that he was a “necromancer” and worshipped his first wife. He apparently has many things of hers like clothing and even the oxygen tubes from the hospital that he has a a room in the basement. It sounds creepy, but who am I to judge?
Her real screaming rant was about him taking their young pre schooler to his first wife’s headstone to help him water and plant stuff there and to pray to her. without telling her about it.
He yelled back that if she was only more like his first wife he wouldn’t need to do things like that.
I think he needs to talk to a priest about this stuff fast. But, I am not sure how to go about making the suggestion or even if its a good idea to make. I have only recently started looking into the whole God matter myself and am in no place to tell people what is best in terms of their religion. He is even more angry that she has started the annulment ball rolling since she has already filled for divorce and I guess that will be pending for a long time because of the custody fight.
So, should I just keep my mouth shut on this?

 

[Florida_mom]

Wow.

I don’t know the apologetics answer.

But the wife (to me) doesn’t sound wacky at all. I would have to wonder if he got married too soon after his first wife’s death and did not grieve properly. (shouldn’t make any major life/money decisions for at least 6 months after the death of a spouse.)

I find what he does to be creepy (your roommate). He was with his wife until “death do us part”. They are no longer one. They are no longer a couple. To compare relationships after the death to the one he had with his deceased spouse is fine for him to do as a means to guage whether or not a relationship is worthwhile–but it is not appropriate within the relationship. It is emotional abuse to his wife with whom he now is one.

I don’t blame her for beginning the annulment process b/c by your description it sounds like he was never prepared for a new marriage.

While taking their child to his first wife’s grave isn’t child abuse–it is weird considering he did do it without his wife’s knowledge.

It would be wonderful if his wife was more accepting of the deceased spouse in a way that it doesn’t seem like she is just being nitpicky–but your roommate (to me) is just downright creepy in his continued attachment and longing for his former wife.

I feel sorry for his loss–but it doesn’t excuse the torment he is putting his current wife through.

It is creepy and borderline emotionally abusive.

FWIW–there is NOTHING is current wife will be able to do to change his mind. He has to be willing to undergo extensive therapy. (it almost sounds like the death was traumatic to him in which case therapy is essential for his own well being.)

 

[kage_ar]

Be a good friend, listen but do not get in the middle of marital issues. Pray for your friend, advise him to seek his Priest for counsel.

 

[allhers]

Since he asked you to stay as a “witness” to bizzare behavior, when he is SOBER you could tell him that you witnessed some bizzare behavior from him.

You could advise him to speak with his Priest about it and that he might want to consider that he could be causing the problems between them. You could also advise him that both of their drinking isn’t helping the situation one bit and that their child ought to be their number one concern.

Depending on how he takes all this, calmly hopefully, you might also consider that you may be asked to pack your bags (but if its your home that shouldn’t be a problem.)

 

[opiemuyo]

I would keep it simple, find a new roomate. To much drama he needs to work out on his own.

 

[StrawberryJam]

Wow.

I don’t know the apologetics answer.

But the wife (to me) doesn’t sound wacky at all. I would have to wonder if he got married too soon after his first wife’s death and did not grieve properly. (shouldn’t make any major life/money decisions for at least 6 months after the death of a spouse.)

I find what he does to be creepy (your roommate). He was with his wife until “death do us part”. They are no longer one. They are no longer a couple. To compare relationships after the death to the one he had with his deceased spouse is fine for him to do as a means to guage whether or not a relationship is worthwhile–but it is not appropriate within the relationship. It is emotional abuse to his wife with whom he now is one.

I don’t blame her for beginning the annulment process b/c by your description it sounds like he was never prepared for a new marriage.

While taking their child to his first wife’s grave isn’t child abuse–it is weird considering he did do it without his wife’s knowledge.

It would be wonderful if his wife was more accepting of the deceased spouse in a way that it doesn’t seem like she is just being nitpicky–but your roommate (to me) is just downright creepy in his continued attachment and longing for his former wife.

I feel sorry for his loss–but it doesn’t excuse the torment he is putting his current wife through.

It is creepy and borderline emotionally abusive.

FWIW–there is NOTHING is current wife will be able to do to change his mind. He has to be willing to undergo extensive therapy. (it almost sounds like the death was traumatic to him in which case therapy is essential for his own well being.)

I agree with you in my gut. It was six years she had passed before they even started dating. Over seven by the time they got married.

I’m going to keep my mouth shut on this one, and just hope that he will end up with a priest to get guidance on this from. He has been a very kind and good person in my experience, but after all this I have to say I only know him on a very superficial level really.

I never knew about all this stuff before, and wish I never did.

 

[StrawberryJam]

Be a good friend, listen but do not get in the middle of marital issues. Pray for your friend, advise him to seek his Priest for counsel.

I can’t pray for him but I do have “thoughts” for his well being often. I am wondering how to suggest talking to a priest without offending him. He will have to talk to a priest at some point in this annulment process I assume. I guess I just needed to know if I had to do anything myself. I’m not sure how to go from here. All signals tell me it is best to remain silent.
I’ve tried a lot of things to suggest to him about the drinking being a hinderance to healing.
I don’t want to get in the middle, and agree it’s not a good thing to do.

 

[StrawberryJam]

Since he asked you to stay as a “witness” to bizzare behavior, when he is SOBER you could tell him that you witnessed some bizzare behavior from him.

You could advise him to speak with his Priest about it and that he might want to consider that he could be causing the problems between them. You could also advise him that both of their drinking isn’t helping the situation one bit and that their child ought to be their number one concern.

Depending on how he takes all this, calmly hopefully, you might also consider that you may be asked to pack your bags (but if its your home that shouldn’t be a problem.)

I thought about that too. Years ago, I helped him get a job when he was homeless before he met his second wife. I realize that the situation is not problem free.

 

[StrawberryJam]

I would keep it simple, find a new roomate. To much drama he needs to work out on his own.

So he is expendable?

 

[opiemuyo]

By no means, but a man has to work it out for himself. He has to want to do this for himself. Only he with the Holy Spirit to guide him can determine what God has planned for him and his future. Faith is a difficult concept to explain to one who, as you state as an agnostic, have none.
Sorry if I am a bit more blunt than my fellow posters, but that is the way I am.
Alcoholics quit for themselves and no one else, junkies clean up for no one other then themselves, and folks in bad relationships are the same way, they need to hit rock bottom and pick themselves up.
THATS when you are there to help, as they take baby steps to getting themselves back on track from the train wreck they created.
You are frustrated because you don’t know how to help. Perhaps the thought of loosing the only person who is close to him right now can shake his tree.
Be honest with him and tell him how hopeless you feel and how you want to help and how it is driving you insane. Be Honest and blunt.
Hell, I was a sinner, shacked up with an alcoholic lady for three years before I got to the point I had to bail to keep my sanity. I learned the above lessons above and deeply regret not being able to help her out of the wreckage.

 

[StrawberryJam]

He is rather confused about his standing in the catholic church I found out. I am going to help him get in touch w/someone to get past that hump and misunderstanding. It appears he is not aware of the catholic church’s rules and regs. I don’t know where he got his education on his faith.

 

[Florida_mom]

I agree with you in my gut. It was six years she had passed before they even started dating. Over seven by the time they got married.

I’m going to keep my mouth shut on this one, and just hope that he will end up with a priest to get guidance on this from. He has been a very kind and good person in my experience, but after all this I have to say I only know him on a very superficial level really.

I never knew about all this stuff before, and wish I never did.

It is my armchair diagnosis that he is more than grieving his wife’s death. He is traumatized it.

There will likely be no way to logically support him due to that.

And knowing someone at a superficial level is not a good quality in a roommate.

Traumatized people can be good people–it isn’t about them being bad. It is about their life being controlled by their trauma.

Six years is too long to be clinging to his dead wife’s things and taking a young pre-schooler to his dead wife’s grave.

It isn’t about being expendable. It’s about you not knowing his triggers, not knowing him, and now becoming involved within a marital dispute.

Since you are unwilling and perhaps unable to provide any guidance be it referral to a priest or counseling, you are doing him no favors by keeping him as a roommate.

He needs help–lots of help.

Sitting silently next to him–harms him more than helps him.

Finding a new roommate protects you–b/c this is a man who is volatile and your relationship is borderline enabling.

I assume you are male–and staying silent is a male thing (or outright trying to fix everything.)

My husband attempted this with my trauma–say nothing then try to fix all things.

When what was needed was a very good trauma counselor. (which we have obtained in the past couple of years.)

I fear your superficial relationship is a hindrance to what this man needs.

I’m confused at what his objection is to the Catholic Church. Is he upset that his wife is pursuing annulment and that the church may allow it?

(I’m not saying he isn’t an alcoholic–but clearly he is trying to numb his pain.)

 

[Florida_mom]

I thought about that too. Years ago, I helped him get a job when he was homeless before he met his second wife. I realize that the situation is not problem free.

I’m sorry–we had to run to mass.

I wanted to add to my thoughts–that if you are not careful–it seems this guy may be codependent on you.

You helped him get a job, you provided him a place to live when I presume his wife kicked him out–I assume that he may be thinking you can some how fix his current problems.

Can you provide some insight as to what his issues are with the church and his present wife? (I.e.–is he upset that the church would approve and annul his vows that he has been unfaithful to in spirit?)