Do I Have Hope?

  • Thread starter Thread starter PraRFLEsEkHm
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PraRFLEsEkHm

Guest
Oh Dear Lord Please help us…

I am nearing the end of my rope…again.

My wife and I have been married for going on 7 years now, we have separated twice - this being the second one. We have survived infidelity [hers - internet only], emotional abuse [both], and physical abuse [again hers], and now she is claiming we are not married because we are not living together * and she and her ‘boyfriend’ [a very close male friend who - I guess - has not been intimate with her - yet] are getting closer. I feel she is looking for a reason to BE intimate with this guy, who I loathe [YES - I know this is not the ‘approved Catholic’ way to feel - but feel it I do none-the-less], and although she pays lip-service to commitment -I do not see it in her actions really. Although - she is willing to go to retrouvaille next weekend [The 23rd] and try it. They have assured me all I need to do is Get her there, be willing to participate, and then watch a miracle happen in our marriage.

Lord Jesus, my Awesome Saviour, PLEASE work through these wonderful people.

We have both hurt each other a great deal. I feel in my heart the Lord has put us together, and kept us together, for His purpose…but Lord - my strength and hope is failing…
Code: 
The largest problem in our marriage it seems - apart from communication, which IS the Largest Problem: is fear. Fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt [Do unto others *before* they do unto you], and fear of success - quite possibly: "What do I do if this works out, and I have nothing to complain about?" Speaking for myself, it is fear of getting hurt, which = fear of commitment. Which means I stonewall, and don't even try and communicate - until there is an obvious problem [yeah - MORE obvious] and then I meet, of course, resistance - because I'm 'not showing love' the rest of the time.
Please…prayers and advice, if any, would be greatly appreciated. I do Love Her…and yes -we DO need more than this weekend to ‘fix’ things…but, one thing at a time…
 
There is always hope! In God, all things are possible. I am terribly sad for you and your wife, but you are in my prayers. Remember, ANYTHING is possible with Christ, because He is LOVE, and when you let down the barriers, LOVE will conquer.
Have hope, seek love, seek truth, seek forgiveness (in any order). 🙂
 
First of all I commend you for your faith in this very difficult time your going through. The weekend is a start, try to get as much as you can from it. Keep praying, try to fast(check with your Doctor of course) and always know that God is on your side. He joined you and your Wife together in a lifetime sacrament. He does not want it to end. Pray before the tabernacle! Pray before the Eucharist! Also say the Saint Anthony Novena(Miracle Saint) every day at least twice. You can find that on www.ewtn.com
I will pray for you Brother!
God Bless!
M
 
Love her - with all your heart - it is God’s will. If the marriage doesn’t last, fear not, your reward will be there with God. Don’t hold back. As difficult as that sounds (and I know it is, anyone who is married knows that!), any other course you risk offending the One who truly loves you and is offering you salvation.

This is your cross, I will pray for you that you carry it like Jesus did! God bless…
 
Thank-You all for your kind words and Prayers…I am surely Praying for her, as well as our marriage, and myself. We have been able to talk lately - nothing drastic…but anything is better than nothing in these dark days.
 
wow - I will pray for you.

As Fr. Corapi says, “fear is usless, what is needed is trust”.
Trust that God can work this out.
 
40.png
PraRFLEsEkHm:
I feel she is looking for a reason to BE intimate with this guy, who I loathe [YES - I know this is not the ‘approved Catholic’ way to feel - but feel it I do none-the-less], and although she pays lip-service to commitment -I do not see it in her actions really.
Click to expand...
Just as an aside… there is not an “approved Catholic way to feel.” There are approved ways for Catholics to act, which includes how one acts on one’s feelings and impulses. There is nothing that says that a good Catholic does not get a knot in his stomach or a tightened jaw when some other man makes overtures towards his wife.

Do not punish yourself or your wife for feeling fearful or defensive or disgusted… or any other feeling. Don’t punish yourselves for “failing” to have the “right” feelings, either. Hold yourselves to standards of what you will and won’t say, what you will and won’t do, what behavior you will or won’t accept. But as for feelings, they are what they are. Give yourself that. Give her that, too.

Remember, Jesus said to love your enemies. He didn’t say you weren’t allowed to have any.

Also, do not forget that miracles take time, and that they are often circular stairs without railings. Do not think that your miracle has not arrived, just because it may terrify you (or your wife) at first. Think of what you would have felt, had you been our Blessed Mother at the Annunciation. Real miracles can do that, because real miracles require you to put yourself into the hands of God.

May your weekend bring healing, and may it bring the miracle God desires for your marriage. May you both be filled with the grace to be able to say “Let it be done unto me according to your word”. May doing so bring you both the love, serenity, and strength that you have longed for.
 
40.png
PraRFLEsEkHm:
Oh Dear Lord Please help us…

I am nearing the end of my rope…again.

My wife and I have been married for going on 7 years now, we have separated twice - this being the second one. We have survived infidelity [hers - internet only], emotional abuse [both], and physical abuse [again hers], and now she is claiming we are not married because we are not living together * and she and her ‘boyfriend’ [a very close male friend who - I guess - has not been intimate with her - yet] are getting closer. I feel she is looking for a reason to BE intimate with this guy, who I loathe [YES - I know this is not the ‘approved Catholic’ way to feel - but feel it I do none-the-less], and although she pays lip-service to commitment -I do not see it in her actions really. Although* - she is willing to go to retrouvaille next weekend [The 23rd] and try it. They have assured me all I need to do is Get her there, be willing to participate, and then watch a miracle happen in our marriage.

Lord Jesus, my Awesome Saviour, PLEASE work through these wonderful people.

We have both hurt each other a great deal. I feel in my heart the Lord has put us together, and kept us together, for His purpose…but Lord - my strength and hope is failing…

The largest problem in our marriage it seems - apart from communication, which IS the Largest Problem: is fear. Fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt [Do unto others *before they do unto you], and fear of success - quite possibly: “What do I do if this works out, and I have nothing to complain about?” Speaking for myself, it is fear of getting hurt, which = fear of commitment. Which means I stonewall, and don’t even try and communicate - until there is an obvious problem [yeah - MORE obvious] and then I meet, of course, resistance - because I’m ‘not showing love’ the rest of the time.

Please…prayers and advice, if any, would be greatly appreciated. I do Love Her…and yes -we DO need more than this weekend to ‘fix’ things…but, one thing at a time…
Click to expand...
You are an incredible person. You are willing to work on your marriage. I have incredible respect for both of you - even if your wife is gettin’ a little goofy - for facing your problem and NOT BLAMING IT ALL ON HER…I see love and committment in your future…if it be His Will.
 
40.png
PraRFLEsEkHm:
Oh Dear Lord Please help us…

I am nearing the end of my rope…again.

My wife and I have been married for going on 7 years now, we have separated twice - this being the second one. We have survived infidelity [hers - internet only], emotional abuse [both], and physical abuse [again hers], and now she is claiming we are not married because we are not living together * and she and her ‘boyfriend’ [a very close male friend who - I guess - has not been intimate with her - yet] are getting closer. I feel she is looking for a reason to BE intimate with this guy, who I loathe [YES - I know this is not the ‘approved Catholic’ way to feel - but feel it I do none-the-less], and although she pays lip-service to commitment -I do not see it in her actions really. Although* - she is willing to go to retrouvaille next weekend [The 23rd] and try it. They have assured me all I need to do is Get her there, be willing to participate, and then watch a miracle happen in our marriage.

Lord Jesus, my Awesome Saviour, PLEASE work through these wonderful people.

We have both hurt each other a great deal. I feel in my heart the Lord has put us together, and kept us together, for His purpose…but Lord - my strength and hope is failing…

The largest problem in our marriage it seems - apart from communication, which IS the Largest Problem: is fear. Fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt [Do unto others *before they do unto you], and fear of success - quite possibly: “What do I do if this works out, and I have nothing to complain about?” Speaking for myself, it is fear of getting hurt, which = fear of commitment. Which means I stonewall, and don’t even try and communicate - until there is an obvious problem [yeah - MORE obvious] and then I meet, of course, resistance - because I’m ‘not showing love’ the rest of the time.

Please…prayers and advice, if any, would be greatly appreciated. I do Love Her…and yes -we DO need more than this weekend to ‘fix’ things…but, one thing at a time…
Click to expand...
Yes you have hope. I am living proof of that hope. I won’t get into it here, but my husband and I have been through hell and back. We’ve made it for 13 years now (been together for 15). We’ve gone to couples counseling in the past and are both currently in individual counseling. Marriage counseling will come again in the future I’m sure.

Our therapist suggested Retrouvaille for us. Because our 4th baby is due in the next 3 weeks or so, going to this weekends session and the weekly follow ups would be impossible for us. You need to continue with the follow up sessions.

If you BOTH want to save the marriage (and I think you do), it can be done despite the abuse and infidelity.

Even when I wanted to call it quits 9 years ago, deep down I wished beyond all hope that my husband would just understand me and love me for who I am, not what I could do for him, that he would be my Knight in Shining Armor.

We stuck it out despite all we did to each other. He told me 2 weeks ago that he distinctly remembers driving to work one day about 5 years ago and he was praying in the car. He simply told the Lord that he couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to move out. He was told, “DON’T RUN.” He knew it was God, a peace overcame him and he stayed. We’ve had 3 more children in the last 4 years. God had a plan that we didn’t know about, a plan that included these beautiful babies that we never believed we could have.

Is it easy? Not at all.

When we couldn’t stay committed to each other (we wanted to seperate, divorce, kill each other 🙂 ), we stayed committed to the marriage.

The best but the hardest gift that you can give to anyone is forgiveness.

Learn how to love your wife. That’s what she is seeking, that is why she is looking elsewhere because she’s not getting her needs fulfilled by you. You are the one to do this for her, not another man. Learn how to love her if you don’t know what to do. Go to the word of God, see how Christ loves the Church. You are to love your wife in the same way. If you don’t know what it means, ask your priest or someone who’s knowledgable in the Word of God.

Yeah, we all screw up, we say and do things that will haunt us for years or forever. But that’s not the end of things either. You learn from your mistakes, lift each other up even though you may want to kick each other if you’re down…learn how to love, learn how to talk to each other. Counseling, Retrouvaille, whatever it takes do in order to become better spouses, friends, lovers. It isn’t going to be any different if you go to another woman (or your wife with another man). You’ll have problems no matter who you are with.

May God bless you and your wife. Prayers will ascend for the both of you.
 
40.png
kellyb32:
It isn’t going to be any different if you go to another woman (or your wife with another man). You’ll have problems no matter who you are with.

May God bless you and your wife. Prayers will ascend for the both of you.
Click to expand...
This is also a vital point to impress upon your wife. The reason so many second marriages fail is that couples who split so often have no idea what was wrong, and so they go out, pick a surprisingly similar spouse (that they are convinced is completely different!) and do the same wrong things the next time.

Even if your wife someday tells you that she “loves” the man she’s with, impress upon her that she owes it to all concerned to find out what it will take for her to succeed at marriage. If nothing else, she needs to get at least that from all the two of you have invested in your marriage.

If she doesn’t know what it means to really try and really learn from the marriage she is actually in, the next time she will be in worse shape than when the two of you married… because of all the practice she’s had in doing it incorrectly! Even the most secular and divorce-permissive should agree with that. You can’t take a mulligan. You have to play the course through.
 
Thank - you all for your posts. Yes - one of the reasons she has agreed to go to Retouvaille with me is I told her - if we keep doing what we’ve been doing, we’re gonna keep getting what we’ve been getting…no matter who we are with. I am finding some hope, some days more than others but it is there still. I truly hope this works out…
 
Hang in there, my friend. God has something in mind for you. Do not quit before the miracle happens.
 
Well - today is the day. Wow am I nervous. Please pray for us, and for our marriage - according to the will of God. I do believe there is hope here, I just hope my faith is well-founded. Thank-you all for your posts, your Prayers and support have been very helpful - I’m sorry I didn’t reply to each one of you - I have been working nights/Praying days and stealing time here and there to check in on the board, and take some relaxation - take my mind off of this so i don’t go crazier…lol. Thank-you all again, and I will post back and let you all know how it went/how it’s going.

In Peace
 
40.png
PraRFLEsEkHm:
Well - today is the day. Wow am I nervous. Please pray for us, and for our marriage - according to the will of God. I do believe there is hope here, I just hope my faith is well-founded. Thank-you all for your posts, your Prayers and support have been very helpful - I’m sorry I didn’t reply to each one of you - I have been working nights/Praying days and stealing time here and there to check in on the board, and take some relaxation - take my mind off of this so i don’t go crazier…lol. Thank-you all again, and I will post back and let you all know how it went/how it’s going.

In Peace
Click to expand...
I am so happy that neither of you canceled on the other…Yes there is hope!!! I will pray for you tonight, please let us know how it goes!
 
First, I will definately pray for the both of you… but you asked for some advice so here goes:

Scenerio 1: The weekend goes well for both of you and you are both willing try again…advice:
Vocation, vocation, vocation… God is calling you to a special vocation every day. Sometimes it’s the little every day ones, but ultimately there is a BIG one (i.e. marriage, priesthood, soldier, nurse, etc.) You are both chooseing marriage, and in the eyes of the church, you are called to marital chastity (100% giving of one to another freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully), the raising of children for Christ and ultimately heaven, and helping one another reach heaven. ALL of this MUST take priority in your marriage. Forgiveness is a must also, and I believe you are already willing to do that.

Scenerio 2: The weekend goes bad for her and good for you…advice:
Again, vocation: I will not be overly positive like some and tell you God will make it work. I know God CAN make it work, but he may also be calling you to examine your marriage and vocation. Maybe there is something about your marriage from the beginning that invalidates your marriage as a sacrament. I’m not an expert on annulments and I believe they are overly abused, but it could be a source of comfort if you are looking back ten years from now and realize God’s vocation for you is different than you thought: Remarriage or religious life for example.

Scenerio3: Something in between… in that case I just don’t know. I fear you hanging on for years for a miracle while she steps all over you (and I know I don’t know both sides of the story) but based on your side of the story you DESERVE Scenerio 1 or 2

I will dedicate my rosary today for you and your wife. Keep us updated.

P.S. Please do not look at this advice as a judgement. It is advice that could be given to many in a similar situation.
 
40.png
PraRFLEsEkHm:
Well - today is the day. Wow am I nervous. Please pray for us, and for our marriage - according to the will of God. I do believe there is hope here, I just hope my faith is well-founded. Thank-you all for your posts, your Prayers and support have been very helpful - I’m sorry I didn’t reply to each one of you - I have been working nights/Praying days and stealing time here and there to check in on the board, and take some relaxation - take my mind off of this so i don’t go crazier…lol. Thank-you all again, and I will post back and let you all know how it went/how it’s going.

In Peace
Click to expand...
Please tell us how it went. I know very well the situation you’re living in as I have been living in a very similar situation for the last year. I have considered Retrouvaille as well, but my wife isn’t very receiptive. We have been in marriage counseling for about 6 months but as of yet there has been little progress. Again, please post your thoughts of Retrouvaille. There are others out here who need to find their way too. Thanks and God bless.
 
I pray that your Retrouvaille weekend is going well. It is nice to read such a prayerful man that is so devoted to his marriage. I had my husband move out six weeks aGO today and my emotions have run high and very low. I feel it is my fault as I became emotionally cold towards him and the children sensed it. I was totalLy miserable when he was here and I am mostly sad now. I was hoping that he would leave until tensions eased and that we would work on the marriage but he is very business like when he talks to me.

I am having a lot of sleepless nights. Pray for me please
 
Really quickly, what exactly is Retrouvaille. I know it’s a weekend for marriages on the rocks but what makes it so different, good/bad, unique, and is it Catholic? Just curious.
 
** Below is my answer to another thread here concerning Retrouvaille:**

*Hi

Just came back from Retrouvaille. WOW.

I highly recommend this to anyone seeking to heal their marriage. Even if only one of you wants it - or if each of you are going just to ‘shut the other one up’ about it .

The presenting couples are very open and honest about ther marriages, before and after. The dialog questions are pointed and make you think - and relate to your spouse things you probably haven’t talked about in years in the safest possible way. By the end of the weekend you will be sharing things with each other you never thought you would be able to tell them. The key to the weekend dialog, I feel, is safety. The stress is on emotions and being able to share them in a non-threatening way, without fear of recrimination, which opens up a channel to be able to experience your emotion as well as those of your spouse, and find a means to resolve these emotions and draw closer to one another.

The focus is NOT problem solving, problem solving comes later - the emphasis is on emotional release in a non-threatening way, opening the door to a free exchange - which naturally leads to problem solving.

I have not gone to marriage encounter, but I did hear while at our weekend that a lot of couples who started in Marriage encounter are now very deeply involved in Retrouvaille.

my …if your marriage is in trouble - GO. You will not regret it. These people have an 80% + success rate for couples who complete the weekend, and do the followup sessions. My understanding is that this program started out [and remains] a grass roots effort for failing mariages somewhere in the U.S. 20 years ago, now it is worldwide - still grassroots, and comes as a pre-requisite to divorce in many states/countries, or as a pre-requisite to counseling by many agencies.

My Prayers are with you and your spouse, much peace and love…*

The above is my post to another thread : Has retrouvaille helped anybody? - in this forum…sorry - I don’t know how to put in hotlinks to other threads here… :confused:

To answer a question concerning whether or not this is a Catholic thing - yes and no…the couples for the most part are Catholic - and the church supports this organization, there is a Priest present for the weekend - but it is NOT a bible-study, Catholic values are NOT stressed to the breaking point because many of the attending couples are not Catholic - some aren’t even christian it seems. Having said that - Mass is said during the weekend everyday, attendance is encouraged but not necessary, Holy scripture is read from concerning marriage - as an example - NOT as a sacrament, and the Priest is part of the presenting couples as well as his viws concerning his marriage - to us, the body of Christ. [Very cool I thought ]

Did this weekend help us? i think so yes. i know it helped me, and i feel much closer to my wife now…but I still didn’t get a committment from her really, not for the followups, and not to our marriage. 😦 . I am praying that that will come in the days and weeks ahead. I did get somewhat of a committment to the resources we learned during the weekend - to keep talking, sharing, dialoguing - and that is good enough for now. The Holy Spirit will do the rest. As a previous poster to this thread stated - Gods Will may be mis-interpreted by me/us concerning vocation here. I pray always for His will for me…time will give the answer to this I am positive…Peace to all, and i will continue to post here concerning how it’s going. Anyone with any questions about retrouvaille feel free to ask. The website in case anyone wants it is : www.retrouvaille.org and the phone number is: 1-800-470-2230, also found on the site. Peace and Love…
 
Well - update…

we are divorcing…by HER choice. I found out she has physically cheated on me, possibly more than once, and that she wants to ‘date’ this person while she works on ‘us’. I told her I cannot live like that - she needs to make a choice - him/them or me. Well today she told me it would not be me, and said she will file for a divorce. So…

My comments about Retrouvaille still stand, please…don’t anybody take this as having anything to do with that program - it is a wonderfiul thing…like so many things in life, and with God for that matter - you get out of it what you put into it. Their techniques are very good, and I could see a LOT of potential for us in using them, particularly in the post session where problem solving and event ‘de-fusion’ [my words] are addressed. If you are having problems and need solutions and BOTH of you are willing, or willing to become willing, to TRY…then please - by all means GO.

Peace
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top