Do I have to be married in the church to keep practicing as a Catholic?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ruby_9c
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

ruby_9c

Guest
Hi. I’m Catholic and got married in a Lutheran church several years ago. Do I have to have my marriage convalidated in the church in order to be able to practice my faith? I can’t receive confession or communion as far as I know right now.

I’ve been trying to get our marriage convalidated since right after our wedding. The reason I wan’t married inside the church in the first place is a long story, but it ended up being either marry outside of the church or live with my fiance without being yet married. Agree with my choice or not, I want to be able to particiate in mass again and receive sacraments. If I would have known how hard a convalidation would be, this wouldn’t have been the choice I made.

We tried for 3 years at the parish we moved into after the wedding, but they kept loosing our information and giving meeting priority to couples not yet married. We just bought a house and moved into another parish. I don’t want to wait another 3 + years to get our marriage convalidated. Is there any way we can get a pardon or something for getting married outside of the church.

A lot has happened in the almost 4 years waiting to be able to receive sacraments. I struggle daily with my faith since it feels like the church turned its back on me since I got engaged. Well, it did. It’s hard to go to church and not be able to take communion. I’ve almost left the church several times just so I can be a part of a church community again. I don’t want to do that.

I’m also scared of what I’ve now learned about Catholic marriages. My mom and aunt were both in very bad marriages and are divorced, but now I know more about the annulment process and it scares me. My aunt’s husband tried to kill her several times, but she for whatever reason can’t get an annulment. My mom’s divorce was finalized 3 years ago, and she has yet to hear if she can get an annulment. Is this normal? People change and if my husband changes for the worse like theirs did, and the church says my choice is to either stay in an abusive marriage or leave, but never be able to remarry - that scares me. I don’t plan on ever divorcing, but it’s a concern knowing about the annulment process.

Can anyone help me?
 
Yes you need to rectify things. I do not think they it is too difficult (assuming there was no other attempted marriages)-sorry you ran into trouble at the other Parish.

You of course still can attend Mass…and Pray …but things need to be rectified before you can receive the Sacraments. Contact your new Pastor right away.

As to annulments…what are they? They are not the dissolution of a valid marriage. A Valid Sacramental and consummated Marriage can only be dissolved by the death of one of the spouses. What the Church does is investigate --“was it a valid marriage” from the start. If such is found that it was not…well then there was no marriage and it is found to be null.

In a valid marriage one takes each other “for better or for worse” as they say…but sometimes it is the case that no marriage ever took place before God…thus it can be found to be null upon investigation (like for instance the person never intended what marriage is etc)

Marriage is a very very important Sacrament…so the Church takes it very seriously (as did Jesus).

Please contact your new Pastor…also you may want to call the Catholic Answers apologist line as well --they can talk with you personally.
 
Make an appointment to talk to the priest directly. Don’t get waylaid by the secretary or anyone else. Sit down with the priest, go over your situation, and ask how you can convalidate your marriage as soon as possible.
 
Pick up a copy of Fulton Sheen’s “Three To Get Married”.

It is important to understand that the Church values marriage. We cannot get married thinking “oh, I can just get a divorce and marry someone else if it does not work out”.

I am sorry that your family members have had bad experiences, please, encourage them to sit down and speak to their pastors.
 
1ke said:
Make an appointment to talk to the priest directly. Don’t get waylaid by the secretary or anyone else. Sit down with the priest, go over your situation, and ask how you can convalidate your marriage as soon as possible.
Click to expand...
That’s your advice.

If neither party has been married before, the convalidation process is likely to be straightforward. Certain documents will be required, and you will be required to have some type of marriage preparation, which can be anything from going to pre-Cana to meeting with your priest. Every situation is different, though, and your priest will provide the proper guidance.
 
1ke said:
Make an appointment to talk to the priest directly. Don’t get waylaid by the secretary or anyone else. Sit down with the priest, go over your situation, and ask how you can convalidate your marriage as soon as possible.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Trust in God’s providence. He has planted this desire to return to His Church, and He will provide for that. Take each step trusting that you are following His Will. Start praying daily. I recommend the Rosary or the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. As stated above, this should be a straightforward process provided neither of you were previously married.

Call today. Pray today.

I will be praying for you.
 
Thanks for the answers. The convalidation process is so long, even going to the priest. We met with him at our previous church right away, but we had to take a test to be set up with a mentor couple (took 8 months of calling to get that appt set up) then they lost the paperwork and it took over a year to be set up with a mentor couple (we had to meet with them 1-3 times) but the couple was so busy we never got to meet with them. After all that we could go to a class from the diocese and be married in the church. I was hoping there was something other than convalidation we could to ask to do so we weren’t waiting years again.

Plus, I understand the church takes marriage seriously. But I know from my family’s experiences people change with time, and if that happens for the worse, I don’t think a loving God would force you to stay in a dangerous situation and forbid you to find someone who wouldn’t beat you, try to kill you, etc. That’s what I have a problem with concerning the annulment process as I understand it. There just isn’t any appeal in a catholic marriage right now if it’s just a gamble as to how it will turn out, but either way, I’m stuck with it forever. My aunt did talk to her priest, but since the marriage was valid at the time, she will be married to the man who tried to kill her for the rest of her life in the eyes of the church. My mom still hasn’t gotten an answer if her marriage can be annuled, but it’s been several years, so I doubt it at this point.

I think I’ll take the last posters advise and pray about it.
 
ruby_9c said:
Thanks for the answers. The convalidation process is so long, even going to the priest. We met with him at our previous church right away, but we had to take a test to be set up with a mentor couple (took 8 months of calling to get that appt set up) then they lost the paperwork and it took over a year to be set up with a mentor couple (we had to meet with them 1-3 times) but the couple was so busy we never got to meet with them. After all that we could go to a class from the diocese and be married in the church. I was hoping there was something other than convalidation we could to ask to do so we weren’t waiting years again.

Plus, I understand the church takes marriage seriously. But I know from my family’s experiences people change with time, and if that happens for the worse, I don’t think a loving God would force you to stay in a dangerous situation and forbid you to find someone who wouldn’t beat you, try to kill you, etc. That’s what I have a problem with concerning the annulment process as I understand it. There just isn’t any appeal in a catholic marriage right now if it’s just a gamble as to how it will turn out, but either way, I’m stuck with it forever. My aunt did talk to her priest, but since the marriage was valid at the time, she will be married to the man who tried to kill her for the rest of her life in the eyes of the church. My mom still hasn’t gotten an answer if her marriage can be annuled, but it’s been several years, so I doubt it at this point.

I think I’ll take the last posters advise and pray about it.
Click to expand...
This is one of those threads that makes my blood boil. I can understand having to wait one or more years to complete an annulment investigation, but if the two people do not have any previous marriages (I assume that this is your case) there is no reason that they should have to wait so long.
 
ruby_9c said:
Thanks for the answers. The convalidation process is so long, even going to the priest. We met with him at our previous church right away, but we had to take a test to be set up with a mentor couple (took 8 months of calling to get that appt set up) then they lost the paperwork and it took over a year to be set up with a mentor couple (we had to meet with them 1-3 times) but the couple was so busy we never got to meet with them. After all that we could go to a class from the diocese and be married in the church. I was hoping there was something other than convalidation we could to ask to do so we weren’t waiting years again.

Plus, I understand the church takes marriage seriously. But I know from my family’s experiences people change with time, and if that happens for the worse, I don’t think a loving God would force you to stay in a dangerous situation and forbid you to find someone who wouldn’t beat you, try to kill you, etc. That’s what I have a problem with concerning the annulment process as I understand it. There just isn’t any appeal in a catholic marriage right now if it’s just a gamble as to how it will turn out, but either way, I’m stuck with it forever. My aunt did talk to her priest, but since the marriage was valid at the time, she will be married to the man who tried to kill her for the rest of her life in the eyes of the church. My mom still hasn’t gotten an answer if her marriage can be annuled, but it’s been several years, so I doubt it at this point.

I think I’ll take the last posters advise and pray about it.
Click to expand...
Y

You’re already married, right? I take it you’ve been married for more than a few years as well, by the sounds of it. Why the mentor couple and all the rigamorole? A convalidation ceremony can be very simple and quick, it doesn’t have to be like a big wedding. We did ours with the deacon and 2 witnesses.

You need to talk to your priest about speeding things up. I understand all the pre-cana classes for newly engaged, unmarried couples. But for a convalidation for someone who has been married civilly for a while that stuff seems superfluous. Our priest never mentioned any of that stuff and we didn’t do any of it. It shouldn’t take 3 years for a convalidation.

Also, I wouldn’t get too discouraged by your aunt’s and mother’s experiences. Everyone’s situations is different and you don’t know the church’s story on their side. It takes a while on annulments when it’s a big case to examine. Your mother should be following up on it, not just waiting to hear.
 
thomasf said:
Y

You’re already married, right? I take it you’ve been married for more than a few years as well, by the sounds of it. Why the mentor couple and all the rigamorole? A convalidation ceremony can be very simple and quick, it doesn’t have to be like a big wedding. We did ours with the deacon and 2 witnesses.

You need to talk to your priest about speeding things up. I understand all the pre-cana classes for newly engaged, unmarried couples. But for a convalidation for someone who has been married civilly for a while that stuff seems superfluous. Our priest never mentioned any of that stuff and we didn’t do any of it. It shouldn’t take 3 years for a convalidation.

Also, I wouldn’t get too discouraged by your aunt’s and mother’s experiences. Everyone’s situations is different and you don’t know the church’s story on their side. It takes a while on annulments when it’s a big case to examine. Your mother should be following up on it, not just waiting to hear.
Click to expand...
A big thumbs up to this.
I am good friends with a couple who was a very similar situation to the OP and the deacon at their Catholic parish did a short and quick convalidation ceremony with two witnesses the very next day after hearing the story about their situation. They were married in an evangelical ceremony since only the wife of the couple is Catholic and had no idea that this was a problem. Quick fix, over and done. I’m not sure why a priest feels the need to drag this out into a year long process.
 
ruby_9c said:
Thanks for the answers. The convalidation process is so long, even going to the priest. We met with him at our previous church right away, but we had to take a test to be set up with a mentor couple (took 8 months of calling to get that appt set up) then they lost the paperwork and it took over a year to be set up with a mentor couple (we had to meet with them 1-3 times) but the couple was so busy we never got to meet with them. After all that we could go to a class from the diocese and be married in the church. I was hoping there was something other than convalidation we could to ask to do so we weren’t waiting years again.

Plus, I understand the church takes marriage seriously. But I know from my family’s experiences people change with time, and if that happens for the worse, I don’t think a loving God would force you to stay in a dangerous situation and forbid you to find someone who wouldn’t beat you, try to kill you, etc. That’s what I have a problem with concerning the annulment process as I understand it. There just isn’t any appeal in a catholic marriage right now if it’s just a gamble as to how it will turn out, but either way, I’m stuck with it forever. My aunt did talk to her priest, but since the marriage was valid at the time, she will be married to the man who tried to kill her for the rest of her life in the eyes of the church. My mom still hasn’t gotten an answer if her marriage can be annuled, but it’s been several years, so I doubt it at this point.

I think I’ll take the last posters advise and pray about it.
Click to expand...
Go to MASS FAITHFULLY. Too many who skip start to weaken in their faith and sometimes fall away. It is very difficult to regain the faith again. If you go to Mass you renew your love and faith each week in the greatest prayer ever offered. Treasure your faith above all else.

Some don’t do it because they may not receive communion. That is a fallacy. Your being present with Jesus and giving the best of yourself at that moment is what he wants. Make a spiritual communion of love and desire. Love him with all your heart the best way you can.

There is something else as well that Mary herself recommended.

Mary appeared and spoke with Sister Justine Bisqueyburu, a
Daughter of Charity of St. Vincent de Paul, in 1840, about a green scapular.

Mary herself made certain promises to those who would keep the scapular on them,
wear or carry it, and would say a certain prayer everyday, and believe that
Mary would obtain those favors from her Son. Here are the favors she promised:
  1. Conversion of those who do not have the faith
  2. Reconciliation to the Church for those who have lost/strayed from the faith
  3. Assurance of a happy death
  4. Strengthening of the faith for those already in the Church
  5. Protection from Satan for those who wear or promote the scapular
This is the very answer to your search. But on your part you must
pray, at least daily:
“Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.”,

Here are the very words of Mary to Sister Justine:
“The GREATEST graces come from using the scapular but these graces come
in direct proportion to the degree of CONFIDENCE IN ME which the user has.”

What does confidence mean? Mary showed this herself at the annunciation of Gabriel.
“Yes, blessed is she who BELIEVED that the PROMISE made her by the Lord would be FULFILLED.”
(Lk. 1;45) St. Elizabeth extolling the absolute trust of Mary in God’s promise. Mary believed without doubting.

You may get a free one by googling “Green Scapular”.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=620449
(From an atheist)
How did you come to embrace Catholicism?
Strangely enough, it was the Blessed Virgin Mary. That friend of mine had sneakily
snuck in a scapular under my mattress. I didn’t know until about 1 year into my
conversion. I imagine that she had something to do with it. I think it was the
green scapular.

(From my own experience)
Many years ago my brother wanted a child but was unsuccessful. I recommended he use the green scapular I gave him and to put it under his pillow. shortly after this his wife became pregnant.
 
ruby_9c said:
Hi. I’m Catholic and got married in a Lutheran church several years ago. Do I have to have my marriage convalidated in the church in order to be able to practice my faith? I can’t receive confession or communion as far as I know right now.

I’ve been trying to get our marriage convalidated since right after our wedding. The reason I wan’t married inside the church in the first place is a long story, but it ended up being either marry outside of the church or live with my fiance without being yet married. Agree with my choice or not, I want to be able to particiate in mass again and receive sacraments. If I would have known how hard a convalidation would be, this wouldn’t have been the choice I made.

We tried for 3 years at the parish we moved into after the wedding, but they kept loosing our information and giving meeting priority to couples not yet married. We just bought a house and moved into another parish. I don’t want to wait another 3 + years to get our marriage convalidated. Is there any way we can get a pardon or something for getting married outside of the church.

A lot has happened in the almost 4 years waiting to be able to receive sacraments. I struggle daily with my faith since it feels like the church turned its back on me since I got engaged. Well, it did. It’s hard to go to church and not be able to take communion. I’ve almost left the church several times just so I can be a part of a church community again. I don’t want to do that.

I’m also scared of what I’ve now learned about Catholic marriages. My mom and aunt were both in very bad marriages and are divorced, but now I know more about the annulment process and it scares me. My aunt’s husband tried to kill her several times, but she for whatever reason can’t get an annulment. My mom’s divorce was finalized 3 years ago, and she has yet to hear if she can get an annulment. Is this normal? People change and if my husband changes for the worse like theirs did, and the church says my choice is to either stay in an abusive marriage or leave, but never be able to remarry - that scares me. I don’t plan on ever divorcing, but it’s a concern knowing about the annulment process.

Can anyone help me?
Click to expand...
There is one option that allows the sacraments, live apart until the convalidation.

St. Paul in 1 Cor. 7:25-28 wrote of the problems of the married.

Advice to Virgins and Widows.
25 Now in regard to virgins, I have no commandment from the Lord,* but I give my opinion as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is.*(“http://www.usccb.org/bible/1corinthians/1corinthians7.htm#54007026-i”) 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek a separation. Are you free of a wife? Then do not look for a wife. 28 If you marry, however, you do not sin, nor does an unmarried woman sin if she marries; but such people will experience affliction in their earthly life, and I would like to spare you that.
 
ruby_9c said:
Thanks for the answers. The convalidation process is so long, even going to the priest. We met with him at our previous church right away, but we had to take a test to be set up with a mentor couple (took 8 months of calling to get that appt set up) then they lost the paperwork and it took over a year to be set up with a mentor couple (we had to meet with them 1-3 times) but the couple was so busy we never got to meet with them. After all that we could go to a class from the diocese and be married in the church. I was hoping there was something other than convalidation we could to ask to do so we weren’t waiting years again.

Plus, I understand the church takes marriage seriously. But I know from my family’s experiences people change with time, and if that happens for the worse, I don’t think a loving God would force you to stay in a dangerous situation and forbid you to find someone who wouldn’t beat you, try to kill you, etc. That’s what I have a problem with concerning the annulment process as I understand it. There just isn’t any appeal in a catholic marriage right now if it’s just a gamble as to how it will turn out, but either way, I’m stuck with it forever. My aunt did talk to her priest, but since the marriage was valid at the time, she will be married to the man who tried to kill her for the rest of her life in the eyes of the church. My mom still hasn’t gotten an answer if her marriage can be annuled, but it’s been several years, so I doubt it at this point.

I think I’ll take the last posters advise and pray about it.
Click to expand...
So…talk to the priest at your new parish…my convalidation took 3 months…and only because I was trying to have it close to our anniversary.

Take the other people’s advice and speak with the new parishes priest right away…
 
ruby_9c said:
Hi. I’m Catholic and got married in a Lutheran church several years ago. Do I have to have my marriage convalidated in the church in order to be able to practice my faith? I can’t receive confession or communion as far as I know right now.

I’ve been trying to get our marriage convalidated since right after our wedding. The reason I wan’t married inside the church in the first place is a long story, but it ended up being either marry outside of the church or live with my fiance without being yet married. Agree with my choice or not, I want to be able to particiate in mass again and receive sacraments. If I would have known how hard a convalidation would be, this wouldn’t have been the choice I made.

We tried for 3 years at the parish we moved into after the wedding, but they kept loosing our information and giving meeting priority to couples not yet married. We just bought a house and moved into another parish. I don’t want to wait another 3 + years to get our marriage convalidated. Is there any way we can get a pardon or something for getting married outside of the church.

A lot has happened in the almost 4 years waiting to be able to receive sacraments. I struggle daily with my faith since it feels like the church turned its back on me since I got engaged. Well, it did. It’s hard to go to church and not be able to take communion. I’ve almost left the church several times just so I can be a part of a church community again. I don’t want to do that.

I’m also scared of what I’ve now learned about Catholic marriages. My mom and aunt were both in very bad marriages and are divorced, but now I know more about the annulment process and it scares me. My aunt’s husband tried to kill her several times, but she for whatever reason can’t get an annulment. My mom’s divorce was finalized 3 years ago, and she has yet to hear if she can get an annulment. Is this normal? People change and if my husband changes for the worse like theirs did, and the church says my choice is to either stay in an abusive marriage or leave, but never be able to remarry - that scares me. I don’t plan on ever divorcing, but it’s a concern knowing about the annulment process.

Can anyone help me?
Click to expand...
You’ve gotten great advice thus far. I too had/have/am(?) preparing convalidation of my marriage. My husband and I, though separated at the moment, had been living as brother and sister. Neither of us previously married. Our issue, I was the Catholic, fallen away from the church not knowing what I know now, and he not baptised into any religion. Married in a civil ceremony. Before my return, I studied. A lot. And I made a confession. A good one. Everything that I had learned helped with that. But, don’t let other peoples marriages scare you or intimidate you. Don’t let the fact that maybe, somehow, years into the future you or your husband could change, scare you. Try not to look too far ahead like that. The worry will kill you.

Trust in our Lord. He has a plan. I’m learning that daily. I might not be where I want to be right now, but it’s entirely possible that I am right where or close to where He wants me to be.

Speak with your priest. If you cannot get any satisfaction with your local one, try the next town over. The church hasn’t and won’t turn their back on you. It’s us that turn our back on her.

I don’t know if I made any sense, but you’re in my thoughts.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top