Do I have to explain everything?

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Two_of_Clubs

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I want to set up a doctor’s appointment because I’m worried about my heart health. The appointment is out of town, so I would have to make a special trip out of it. I don’t want to have to tell my wife because I know she’ll worry, and I don’t want to be importuned ad nauseam about why I’m going to the doctor, why I’m worried, etc.

Is it lying to set up another engagement, e.g., golf with a friend or something along those lines, so I can provide a different reason for the trip? In other words, so when I’m asked, “Why are you going to such-and-such,” I can say that I’m seeing a friend. It would be true, after all, since I actually would make the engagement and go golfing. I’d just go to the doctor before (or after).

Keep in mind that I’m not trying to do something I’m not supposed to be doing. It’s not like I’m meeting up with a mistress or something. I just don’t want to play 21 questions concerning why I’m seeing the doctor. But I don’t know if what I have in mind to avoid that inquiry is sinful. Thoughts?
 
I’ve always thought that openness is better than deception. And if the doc wants you to come back for more tests or treatment, you would still have to tell your wife then.
 
JimG said:
I’ve always thought that openness is better than deception.
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Thank you for your response, and I don’t want to seem callous. Your answer assumes it is deception, which is exactly what I’m questioning: Is it lying or not? If so, then why? And vice-versa. I’m not trying to be a lawyer about it either. Just a quick explanation’s enough. Once again, I appreciate your taking time to answer.
 
well, even though this is in the moral theology forum, I’m not really speaking of sin or moral theology. The question seems to have more to do with your relationship with your wife than it does with theology. What would you think if the roles were reversed? I just don’t see the value in keeping a doctors appointment from your wife.
 
JimG said:
What would you think if the roles were reversed?
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I’m glad you asked that, and it’s actually the reason I titled this thread the way I did. If my wife did that to me, could I really say she lied? Sure, she’s hiding things, but do I have a right to know everything? It seems like people, in marriage and in general, should have some latitude with what they decide to share and when. (That is, as long as they’re not printing counterfeit bills in the basement or forging passports ;))

But maybe I’m wrong, which is totally fine. That’s why I asked. As I said, I¹m not trying to turn this into a legal issue. If it’s lying according to RC Theology, then it’s lying. I’m not trying to have a boxing match with the Church’s moral teaching.
 
On the wife’s end, I could give you a pass for the first appointment, BUT, if there is any kind of problem discovered and any treatment needed I have the right to know, immediately, what is wrong and what you and the doctor are going to do about it. It is a great burden to be concerned about health issues; you have a spouse to share your anxiety.
 
Personally I think the right thing to do is not only tell your wife, but ask her if she wants to come with you. That way you have an extra set of ears to hear what the doctor says, and she can ask the doctor any questions she may have instead of her grilling you later and you maybe not knowing the answers. Barring that, you should at least tell her what you will be doing.

Clearly if you’re seeing a heart doc, you have a concern. Your wife should know about that.

I believe it would be wrong, and a form of lying, to not tell her the truth.
 
Yes, ethically, you may see a cardiologist or other physician without telling your wife. Whether this is prudent or not is another matter. If she is a serious worrier, this may be a prudent decision. If you have a serious medical condition, you should have a friend/advocate going with appointments with you.
 
Are you of an age or condition where your regular doctor might send you “to get a baseline reading”? If so, you just tell your wife that.

OTOH, how many wives wait (or used to, before home pregnancy tests) to tell their husbands they are pregnant til after they’ve seen the doctor?

So I think it’s not sinful.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Yes, ethically, you may see a cardiologist or other physician without telling your wife. Whether this is prudent or not is another matter. If she is a serious worrier, this may be a prudent decision. If you have a serious medical condition, you should have a friend/advocate going with appointments with you.
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I agree. I see nothing wrong with an appointment to rule out problems not being shared to spare a spouse some worrying.
 
JimG said:
I’ve always thought that openness is better than deception. And if the doc wants you to come back for more tests or treatment, you would still have to tell your wife then.
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This is actually what I was thinking–if the doctor maybe finds something and wants to do further testing, then where would you be regarding telling your wife?

My husband goes with me to my medical appointments. I actually feel better that he does. Sometimes he remembers details that I might not remember. That way too, he can ask questions if he has any for the doctor.
 
Catholic1954 said:
On the wife’s end, I could give you a pass for the first appointment, BUT, if there is any kind of problem discovered and any treatment needed I have the right to know, immediately, what is wrong and what you and the doctor are going to do about it. It is a great burden to be concerned about health issues; you have a spouse to share your anxiety.
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I especially highlighted what I think is really important, in your post.

I agree with this part. I have lots of health issues, and I don’t keep them from my husband. He knows what is going on with me, and as I explained in my other post, he comes with me to my appointments.

I realize that not everyone may do that with their spouses.

I feel better having my husband there with me, so that he knows what’s going on firsthand, and so that he can ask any questions if he has any.
 
JimG said:
well, even though this is in the moral theology forum, I’m not really speaking of sin or moral theology. The question seems to have more to do with your relationship with your wife than it does with theology. What would you think if the roles were reversed? I just don’t see the value in keeping a doctors appointment from your wife.
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That was my first thought.

You should make the appointment with the doctor and make another one with a counselor.

Good luck.
 
Two_of_Clubs said:
Details have been altered to preserve privacy.

I want to set up a doctor’s appointment because I’m worried about my heart health. The appointment is out of town, so I would have to make a special trip out of it. I don’t want to have to tell my wife because I know she’ll worry, and I don’t want to be importuned ad nauseam about why I’m going to the doctor, why I’m worried, etc.

Is it lying to set up another engagement, e.g., golf with a friend or something along those lines, so I can provide a different reason for the trip? In other words, so when I’m asked, “Why are you going to such-and-such,” I can say that I’m seeing a friend. It would be true, after all, since I actually would make the engagement and go golfing. I’d just go to the doctor before (or after).

Keep in mind that I’m not trying to do something I’m not supposed to be doing. It’s not like I’m meeting up with a mistress or something. I just don’t want to play 21 questions concerning why I’m seeing the doctor. But I don’t know if what I have in mind to avoid that inquiry is sinful. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
You say details altered at the top so I am thinking this might be a little more serious than heart health. I don’t know the relationship with your spouse, so all I could do is give you my opinion on what I would do in your shoes. If you are going to an out of town specialist it must be a little more serious than you are letting on. So I just said a prayer for your health and for the holy spirit to give you an open mind on this question. If it were me I would be telling my wife and she would most likely be going with me. If it is good news we would spend an extra day together working on our relationship. If it is is bad news we would spend an extra day together working on our relationship and deciding how to move forward. Even though I make 99% of the crucial decisions in our marriage (which is the way she likes it), she is my rock and I don’t make any of the crucial ones without filling her in on what I think our direction should be.
 
If my husband did such a thing and I found out about it (and trust me, your wife WILL find out) I’d wonder what else he had been hiding… and feel hurt as to why he couldn’t talk to me about it.

The vows say in sickness and in health and your health matters to your wife. You may say you don’t want her to worry, but that is not a choice you make for her. She has a right to worry about you. She loves you. She wants what is best for you. If something is seriously wrong with your health, you BOTH have to deal with it and she needs to be informed so she can help you work through it.

Telling her you’re going out of town for one reason and not telling her about your doctor’s appointment on the same day in the same town smacks of a lie of omission.

And just a thought: YOU might not think it’s that serious, but doctors have ordered patients who came in with “some discomfort” to be hospitalized immediately because they are actually having a heart attack right then and here or are on the verge of some other medical crisis that requires immediate surgery. If you love your wife, don’t take a chance that she might end up getting a call from a hospital saying you’ve been admitted for a life-threatening condition.
 
You’re married. Tell your wife. Not telling her is unconscionable.
 
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