Do I HAVE to tell my dad?

[mercygate]

If you had a son and he was considering a huge life change like this, would you want to be left in the dark because he thought you wouldn’t approve? Would you, in essence, want to go through your life believing untruths about your son because your son didn’t choose to give you the truth?

My DD recently made a huge life decision of which she knew I would not approve. She brought it up well in advance of taking action and we discussed it, mother-to-daughter, looking at the pros and cons. I don’t like or approve of what she did but I respect her and she dignified my views by discussing it with me thoughtfully.

Of course, unlike the OPs Dad, I did not go off on a blithering rant about it either.

 

[dhgray]

my dad is very happy that we go, even if it is the Catholic church

AMEN

 

[damooster]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

To give you some more insight that I just remembered…my father once said that he was in a Filipino church as a child that was similar to a Catholic Church but not the same. He couldn’t really explain it to me in a way that I would understand in English. He was an altar boy and considered becoming a monk but that’s when he converted to Protestantism. Ever since then he’s had bad thoughts about the Catholic Church. I don’t think anything happened to him as a child, he just converted because that’s what he felt was right. He believes the Catholic Church worships idols and “kills” Jesus at every Mass.

I could attempt to refute his claims but he’s pretty stubborn and his thinking is that I am in no position to correct him on religious issues because he’s older and more experienced than me. He’s a very caring father, but this is his mentality: he treats my stepmom the same way. They have both said that women are equal to men in the household, but should a disagreement arise, she can have her say but his word is probably the final word (and she agrees). That makes him sound bad, I know, but I’m just trying to give you a bigger insight in to my dad’s mentality.

I didn’t think about this info until I talked to my sister, sorry to have left it out.

I have been praying about it and I just can’t come to a conclusion, so I’m going to pray about it some more. I don’t believe he’ll disown me now, but he’ll strongly disagree with me and tell me how wrong I am. He’ll want me to meet with his pastor and he’ll get everyone in my family involved. That means I’ll have 7 uncles calling me to try to dissuade me. I just don’t know if I have the patience to deal with that right now.

I’m strongly leaning towards not volunteering any information unless a situation arises where I would be forced to choose between lying or telling the truth (I won’t lie to my father). I started this thread to determine if I am under any moral obligation to tell him. I’m going to talk to the priest tomorrow at RCIA to see if this is the case.

Again, thank you all for your responses.

 

[Salonika]

No, damooster, you don’t have to tell your Dad. You’re an adult and like your parents and other adults you have the right to decide what you will tell other people, including your parents and other relatives.

In case they are helpful here are the things that would influence me about telling in this situation such as this:

• is this something I feel comfortable about not telling him - is it so basic to me that I feel uncomfortable about not telling him or that I am denying something central to me
• how would I feel if the boot was on the other foot and he made such a significant change in his life without telling me
• is someone else likely to tell him – then the discussion could end up being not on your decision but your not telling him about it
• how would you feel if he made such a significant change and you found out from someone else
• if you tell him do you feel you can cope with his (expected) disapproval and will you have people around who can provide you with support if this occurs
• if you are going to be seeing him at Christmas and you give him the news then may tell you are “spoiling my Christmas” or something similar you need to think how you will respond to this.

I have some understanding of your situation – as a 21 year old I had to tell my father that I was going out canvassing for the opposite political party to that he supported. I had little choice as I was living at home and was picked up from there. Dad and I agreed (without talking about it) not to discuss the situation.

 

[Della]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

To give you some more insight that I just remembered…my father once said that he was in a Filipino church as a child that was similar to a Catholic Church but not the same. He couldn’t really explain it to me in a way that I would understand in English. He was an altar boy and considered becoming a monk but that’s when he converted to Protestantism. Ever since then he’s had bad thoughts about the Catholic Church. I don’t think anything happened to him as a child, he just converted because that’s what he felt was right. He believes the Catholic Church worships idols and “kills” Jesus at every Mass.

I could attempt to refute his claims but he’s pretty stubborn and his thinking is that I am in no position to correct him on religious issues because he’s older and more experienced than me. He’s a very caring father, but this is his mentality: he treats my stepmom the same way. They have both said that women are equal to men in the household, but should a disagreement arise, she can have her say but his word is probably the final word (and she agrees). That makes him sound bad, I know, but I’m just trying to give you a bigger insight in to my dad’s mentality.

I didn’t think about this info until I talked to my sister, sorry to have left it out.

I have been praying about it and I just can’t come to a conclusion, so I’m going to pray about it some more. I don’t believe he’ll disown me now, but he’ll strongly disagree with me and tell me how wrong I am. He’ll want me to meet with his pastor and he’ll get everyone in my family involved. That means I’ll have 7 uncles calling me to try to dissuade me. I just don’t know if I have the patience to deal with that right now.

I’m strongly leaning towards not volunteering any information unless a situation arises where I would be forced to choose between lying or telling the truth (I won’t lie to my father). I started this thread to determine if I am under any moral obligation to tell him. I’m going to talk to the priest tomorrow at RCIA to see if this is the case.

Again, thank you all for your responses.

If you do tell your father you should also tell him this is your own choice not his (nicely, of course) and that you aren’t going to argue with him or talk to anyone else about it unless they want to hear all you have to say first. You are certainly under no obligation whatsoever to talk to your father’s pastor, anymore than he is under any obligation to talk to your priest. So, be firm but kind. That’s what I would do if I wanted to be the one to “break” the news to him and the family. God bless you and your family.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

IMO, it is better to tell him and this is why. It is not a moral requirement that an adult tell his father about his conversion. But a conversion is as big of a deal as moving to a new home or getting engaged and not telling him now could lead to 2 problems:

1-If your father eventually finds out that you kept this from him, he will probably feel hurt that he wasn’t important enough to be told such big news. Either way, he’s going to be upset that you converted, but why add the additional hurt feelings to it? You said that it might come up in the future anyway (if you were visiting and needed to go to Mass for example), so it would make more sense to either get it out of the way now, or just be sure to tell him in a controlled setting before he finds out by accident.

If in fact, he is likely to disown you for being Catholic, then he might be even more likely to do it if you were also deceptive about it. If it were me, and a person hated something that was so important to me, I would WANT them to know that it was important to me. Hiding it from them wouldn’t make me feel more loved by them; it would just make me feel like I was pretending to be someone I’m not just for their approval.

2-If he finds out that you kept this from him, he might think that you are ashamed of your decision. This could lead to him being less respectful of it, and more agressive about showing you how wrong you are. OTOH, if you calmly explain that you have made this decision and that your love for him remains, but is separate from your religious duty (like a PP suggested), you will come off as more confident and less convince-able.

 

[babygirl6152]

It’s easy to say but a bit harder to get in the habit of doing-

wait on the Holy Spirit to lead the discussion. Some day it will happen- maybe soon, maybe later on- I am praying it will be on a day his heart is open to listening from you about what the Sacraments have done to draw you closer to Christ.

Hugs
Mary

 

[bett_ur_kidding]

I don’t think pointing out the fact that dad doesn’t like Catholics is going to help anyone. "Dad, God is calling me into the Catholic Church. "I know you don’t like Catholics, so I hope you will still like me after I convert.” That sounds rude.

happymommy: God Bless you. You always look at both sides of the arguement. The OP never said that his father didn’t like catholics, rather the catholic teachings.