O
OraLabora
Guest
My heartfelt advice is to say an emphatic NO. This is not normal within marriage, or before marriage, or at any other time. Being bruised at the end of an argument is a huge red flag, and it doesn’t matter who’s “fault” the argument was. It shouldn’t happen, period. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that any kind of physical injury suffered in an argument is an “accident”. It isn’t.
Getting angry is normal, within bounds. Getting angry at our spouse will happen in almost all marriages at some time or another. Being unable to control that anger… that’s a huge issue and I see danger signs in your post.
Let me first say that I am a married man. Most men who are “normal” and do get angry, find controlled ways to deal with it: they’ll go outside and chop some wood, or go for some vigorous physical exercise to blow off steam (for me, a fast bike ride), or take a walk or a drive to simmer down, or lock themselves in their “man-cave” to try to get their heads back together.
Beyond that we get into verbal and physical abuse. The former can be nearly as bad as the latter, my sister-in-law endured verbal abuse (and also alcohol and drug abuse by her husband) for years until she had the courage to walk out.
A gentleman will never hurt his spouse or future spouse in an argument, not even “accidentally”, not even close. Your man has given you a huge danger sign. He may seem “perfect” in other ways, but no man (or woman) is ever perfect. A huge part of marriage is learning to let go and accept your partner’s foibles. But there are some foibles that are too dangerous to overlook. Physical, verbal and sexual abuse in particular, as well as alcohol and drug abuse. My advice is to stop looking for a prince charming, and instead look toward ordinary, boring blokes who are reliable, kind, courteous, hard-working and even tempered. Don’t fall in love with the feeling of being in love. True love is like watering and weeding a garden, you have to work at it to harvest it. Men who are abusive can be particularly good at romancing and making a woman “feel” in love. However, possession is not love. But from what I see many women (and some men too) get caught into this pattern because the feeling is like being hit with a powerful drug.
Marriage is forever. At some point, we all get physically unattractive and our faculties decline. My wife is a physician and knows couples where either the elderly husband or wife is taking care of their severely infirm or ill spouse, and they do it with true love and often with a great deal of effort because of their own infirmities, even though that spouse is cranky, demanding or demented. That’s the kind of love that’s like tending a garden and it’s the kind of love that’s true and makes marriages last.
Edit: after I wrote the above, I read this:
Agnes Therese is spot on. Please heed her advice for your own safety. A real husband will never, ever hurt his wife. Never. I wasn’t emphatic enough in what I wrote above. Don’t become a victim. You have an opportunity to get out before marriage. Trust me it will be far, far more difficult afterwards.
