Do I need to tell this in confession or is it his sin to tell?

[battyz1]

My Husband and I have just celebrated our first anniversary and the arrival of baby number one, who is eight weeks old today. We are both Catholic, but he is a bit tepid when it comes to his faith, and I am no sure if he would even go to mass if it weren’t for me.

I know he doesn’t consider chastity in marriage a big issue, and as we can’t afford to get pregnant again so soon, he sometimes finishes the act of love making by himself. I don’t know how to tell him that it is a mortal sin, because I don’t want to sound like I’m insensitive to his needs. Seems like if I say it is all or nothing he might feel like I don’t care.

It is a hard thing to explain because he didn’t grow up with much instruction in the faith even though he was baptised, and the world has some warped views on morality which have tainted his I think.

Also, do I need to tell this in confession or is it his sin to tell?

 

[Della]

If he isn’t completing the nuptial embrace it is his sin. That being said, I think you should talk to your priest about the situation and ask for advise from him about how to approach your husband about this. If your husband likes to read “Theology of the Body” might be helpful to him. You have my prayers.

 

[lizaanne]

As his spouse, it is your responsiblity to help him get to heaven. Allowing him to live in a state of mortal sin, and especially if he is still receiving Holy Communion, is not doing either of you, or your marriage, any good.

Be charitible, but be honest. Tell him why you are concerned, and that you need to talk about this openly and with the right intent, no hurt feelings. Then he needs to get to confession - SOON.

~Liza

 

[newbetx]

If he isn’t completing the nuptial embrace it is his sin. That being said, I think you should talk to your priest about the situation and ask for advise from him about how to approach your husband about this. If your husband likes to read “Theology of the Body” might be helpful to him. You have my prayers.

He’s the sinner. But like I once was, he may have no clue why.

I second TOB… you might get The Good News About Sex and Marriage and let the book tell him what he needs to know. To get him to read it, you could tell him it’s a way to spice things up? With a few "I didn’t know that"s, he’ll save face and could develop a good attitude about things at the same time…

the standard TOB “your results may vary” disclaimer.

 

[puzzleannie]

I know he doesn’t consider chastity in marriage a big issue, and as we can’t afford to get pregnant again so soon, he sometimes finishes the act of love making by himself. I don’t know how to tell him that it is a mortal sin, because I don’t want to sound like I’m insensitive to his needs. Seems like if I say it is all or nothing he might feel like I don’t care.

it is your obligation as a loving wife to tell him on several levels. the obvious being concern for his immortal soul, and also because he is abusing your marriage relationship, abusing himself, and abusing you by misusing the gift of marital love in this way. He is being unfaithful to you everytime he does it. Successful marriage depends on honest communication, which is the heart of true intimacy. If you cannot talk about this intimate relationship, you will not feel free to discuss other areas of conflict, which is the death knell to a happy marriage.

you have a duty to inform your husband in words and actions of your own needs in bed, to which he is being harshly insensitive in this way.

if you think you can’t afford children you need to learn NFP, together, for one reason as that it marvelously aids growth in true intimacy and shared concern for one another and your family, and because it is thousands X more reliable than his current practice.

 

[Newbie2]

As his spouse, it is your responsiblity to help him get to heaven. Allowing him to live in a state of mortal sin, and especially if he is still receiving Holy Communion, is not doing either of you, or your marriage, any good.

Be charitible, but be honest. Tell him why you are concerned, and that you need to talk about this openly and with the right intent, no hurt feelings. Then he needs to get to confession - SOON.

~Liza

Why would this matter if one was in a state of mortal sin to begin with? What I mean is the “especially” part. I understand the need to be cleansed of mortal sin before receiving the Eucharist. Are you cautioning against compounding the sin by going to communion in a state of mortal sin?

 

[lizaanne]

Why would this matter if one was in a state of mortal sin to begin with? What I mean is the “especially” part. I understand the need to be cleansed of mortal sin before receiving the Eucharist. Are you cautioning against compounding the sin by going to communion in a state of mortal sin?

Yes - exactly. To receive Christ when you are in a state of mortal sin does indeed compound the sin.

Listen to THIS - it may clarify what I’m trying to say.

~Liza

 

[Newbie2]

OK, that’s what I thought, and I agree. It may seem to some that the teaching is odd, perhaps, that if one is in a state of mortal sin, how much worse could it be? But it does make sense.

The OP may very well benefit to investigate NFP.

 

[MomaMary8]

My Husband and I have just celebrated our first anniversary and the arrival of baby number one, who is eight weeks old today. We are both Catholic, but he is a bit tepid when it comes to his faith, and I am no sure if he would even go to mass if it weren’t for me.

I know he doesn’t consider chastity in marriage a big issue, and as we can’t afford to get pregnant again so soon, he sometimes finishes the act of love making by himself. I don’t know how to tell him that it is a mortal sin, because I don’t want to sound like I’m insensitive to his needs. Seems like if I say it is all or nothing he might feel like I don’t care.

It is a hard thing to explain because he didn’t grow up with much instruction in the faith even though he was baptised, and the world has some warped views on morality which have tainted his I think.

Also, do I need to tell this in confession or is it his sin to tell?

I agree that this is his sin, but you must look at yourself as well. Are you entering the marital embrace, knowing he will “finish by himself?” We are all called not to sin, nor be an occasion of sin. In other words, we must do all we can to avoid sinning ourselves AND avoid bringing others to sin. I know you may not know what his intentions are prior to the start, BUT if you allow the act to begin, knowing your husband’s intention, you must look at your culpability.

I agree with the suggestions of NFP and TOB. Christopher West’s book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” is an excellent beginning for learning the basics of TOB.

I know these topics can be sticky between a husband and wife, but be open and non-confrontational. Let him know you can not enter the marital embrace without receiving all of him. Let him know how much you miss the full embrace of your husband.

 

[Seatuck]

I agree that this is his sin, but you must look at yourself as well. Are you entering the marital embrace, knowing he will “finish by himself?” We are all called not to sin, nor be an occasion of sin. In other words, we must do all we can to avoid sinning ourselves AND avoid bringing others to sin. I know you may not know what his intentions are prior to the start, BUT if you allow the act to begin, knowing your husband’s intention, you must look at your culpability.

I agree with the suggestions of NFP and TOB. Christopher West’s book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” is an excellent beginning for learning the basics of TOB.

I know these topics can be sticky between a husband and wife, but be open and non-confrontational. Let him know you can not enter the marital embrace without receiving all of him. Let him know how much you miss the full embrace of your husband.

I agree.It could be something to bring up in the confessional if you are quite sure that your husbands intention is to finish by himself. You really don’t want to cooperate with sin. Try getting the Christopher West book and asking your husband to read it.Or better year read it together. Express to him you desire to love him fully and faithfully in accordance with the teachings of the church.

 

[Parysa]

I know he doesn’t consider chastity in marriage a big issue, and as we can’t afford to get pregnant again so soon, he sometimes finishes the act of love making by himself.

I don’t really have anything to add to this except a warning that the “withdrawl method,” which is what it sounds like he’s using, does NOT work! Trust me on this! It is an extremely unreliable method of birth “control.” I’m not Catholic (yet) and I don’t particularly have an opinion on the NFP method, but the first time I got pregnant (I miscarried, which is why I say first pregnancy, not first child), it was with the withdrawl method after only a couple months. Some men pre-ejaculate (which they can’t really feel) and one drop is more than enough to get you pregnant. Also, if he misjudges by even a second, you’re basically letting the horse out before you shut the barn door. So please be careful with that.

 

[jacquie99]

I realize this post is a little late, but maybe it will help someone who comes across it now, as I did, or even the OP. The OP stated that her baby was only 8 weeks old. Generally speaking, as long as the mother is breastfeeding (which the Church has always supported) on demand (generally every 2-3 hours around the clock for a newborn) she is not fertile. Most women are unable to get pregnant for 6 months after the birth of their child if they are breastfeeding on demand and not supplementing with food or formula. Of course, there are women who do get pregnant during this time, but I would venture to say I’m sure it’s more effective than the withdrawal method. God did not design us to be baby factories and expect every woman to have a baby each year (although that may be His will for some). By breastfeeding alone, with no NFP, my 3 children were spaced 2 years apart. Of course, with #3 sleeping all night I’m sure I’ll be pg by the end of the year- but God doesn’t give us more than we can handle! On average women who continue to breastfeed will experience a suppression of their cycle for 14 months, resulting in about 2 years between children.

 

[Holly3278]

Perhaps you can gently suggest to him that you try natural family planning instead that way he doesn’t have to finish by himself. Instead, you can just avoid marital relations on your fertile days and not worry about getting pregnant when it would not be a good time for you to get pregnant.