Do I tell my brother & his girlfriend.. no room at the inn?

  • Thread starter Thread starter carol_marie
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

carol_marie

Guest
For the past 10 years my brother has graciously opened up his large home to my family whenever we’ve wanted to go back home to visit. He is single/no pets but welcomes me & my husband, our four kids & our dog for up to a week at a time. He is a good Uncle & my kids really like him. The problem: He has a new girlfriend and they want to “do the Chicago thing” and stay with us. They are both in their 30’s, non-religious types and I know my brother would be hurt & miffed if I said no shaking up in my house when he’s hosted us countless times. Putting them in seperate rooms wouldn’t really work because my house is small & filled to the brim - and I think if I even suggested it, he’d say thanks but no thanks.

So what’s a loving sister to do? One benefit to having him come would be that our house is filled with pictures of Jesus… crosses… etc. and we always pray before meals so I think we’d be able to provide a good witness… but still… not sure of the message it sends my kids? Your thoughts?
 
I say, your house, your rules.
My confirmation sponser was in a similar situation with her daughter and boyfriend. They weren’t happy about it, but it was her mother’s house…Therefore, if she and her boyfriend went to visit, they had to sleep in different rooms. 🙂 It’s a hard thing to do, but you want to what’s right, and set a good example for your children.
 
If you don’t let him stay, and it causes a rift between you, what chance do you have of converting him? Keeping him away will do more harm than good.
 
carol marie:
For the past 10 years my brother has graciously opened up his large home to my family whenever we’ve wanted to go back home to visit. He is single/no pets but welcomes me & my husband, our four kids & our dog for up to a week at a time. He is a good Uncle & my kids really like him.
Click to expand...
The answer is in the stressed words above.

“John, the kids really love you. You’re such a good uncle to them. I know you’ll understand when I say it would be bad to have them talking about how Uncle John and his girlfriend slept together in our house. It would be better for the children if you two slept in separate rooms.”
 
He sounds like the respectable type. If you have a moral issue
with him and his girlfriend sleeping in the same room, ext. Then
do not allow it. I wouldn’t! I am a really traditional person, in thought, word, and deed. I would not allow it, and respectfully tell him so without injuring his feelings. If it bothers him to much, then they can always stay at a motel can they not? The difference between you and him is your married, and he is not. It is a touchy issue, and you feeling the way you do, and respecting our Heavenly Father the way you do is the right thing to do here. Stick to your traditions, and others will respect you for it. If they don’t, well they don’t. You need to speak to him before he makes the trip, and outline your expectations lovingly, and respectfully, and so on. don’t let him make the trip with the expectation that he will be allowed to do it. Make your point, and if he listens he will respect you in your beliefs and morals. If he gets upset after you speak to him, then give it time and he should come around. But by no means should you compromise your belief and morals at all.
 
vern humphrey:
The answer is in the stressed words above.

“John, the kids really love you. You’re such a good uncle to them. I know you’ll understand when I say it would be bad to have them talking about how Uncle John and his girlfriend slept together in our house. It would be better for the children if you two slept in separate rooms.”
Click to expand...
Wow! You are good! How did you know his name was John?!

This is the thing… we were raised in a very non-traditional family. Our Mom & Dad - divorced have both lived with people… think 60’s hippie types… very unconventional. I (the religous one) am the “odd duck” in the family… so he honestly wouldn’t understand why my kids seeing him sleeping with his girlfriend would be any big deal at all. Plus… when I was younger & single… well let’s just say that I’ve changed ALOT over the years. So he’s going to think I’m either a nut OR I’m just being an uptight meanie… and then what happens when I ask if we can stay with HIM in the summer (and by then we’ll have 5 kids?!)
 
carol marie:
Wow! You are good! How did you know his name was John?!
Click to expand...
My brother’s name is John.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon10.gif
carol marie:
This is the thing… we were raised in a very non-traditional family. Our Mom & Dad - divorced have both lived with people… think 60’s hippie types… very unconventional. I (the religous one) am the “odd duck” in the family… so he honestly wouldn’t understand why my kids seeing him sleeping with his girlfriend would be any big deal at all. Plus… when I was younger & single… well let’s just say that I’ve changed ALOT over the years. So he’s going to think I’m either a nut OR I’m just being an uptight meanie… and then what happens when I ask if we can stay with HIM in the summer (and by then we’ll have 5 kids?!)
Click to expand...
I think you can make him understand – I’d stress that children learn by example. And seeing Uncle John sleeping with someone he’s not married to could lead to all kinds of trouble for them – like AIDS.
 
Extend the offer, of course, with the understanding that because he’s such a loved uncle to your children and you are raising them with Catholic values, the offer is valid contingent upon them sleeping in separate areas. You owe him the opportunity to accept or decline, escpecially since he’s been most hospitable to you.

If you have three bedrooms, one for you and your husband, one for the boys of the house and one for the girls, I recommend you offer the girl’s room to the girlfriend, have your brother use on of the beds of the boys’ room while your son(s) sleep on the floor of that room (boys love camping out and I would imagine they’d love having uncle in their room). Your daughter(s) can sleep in the living room or even with you in your room (on the floor, of course) if they are afraid to be in an open area like the living room. If the girlfriend, however, offers to share the room with your daughter’s all the better for a great “girls’ night slumber party” opportunity. Depends on the girlfriend.
 
Many years ago, before I opened myself to the Church and her teachings 😃 , I was living with my now husband. There came a time that we spent the night at my parents house. They had lots of room. We were glad that they had lots of room, cause they put us in different rooms. Their house, their rules. And there weren’t any children around, just Mom, Dad, my future hubby and me. Not until we were married did we stay in the same room at my parents.
You are not telling him that he cannot stay there, just that sleeping with someone when you are not wed, is not something that you want to show your children. Get the sleeping bags out, put the kids on the floor and welcome your brother and his girl friend. That is what I would do, and I was in their position, wow, 14 years ago. :eek:
 
carol marie:
For the past 10 years my brother has graciously opened up his large home to my family whenever we’ve wanted to go back home to visit. He is single/no pets but welcomes me & my husband, our four kids & our dog for up to a week at a time. He is a good Uncle & my kids really like him. The problem: He has a new girlfriend and they want to “do the Chicago thing” and stay with us. They are both in their 30’s, non-religious types and I know my brother would be hurt & miffed if I said no shaking up in my house when he’s hosted us countless times. Putting them in seperate rooms wouldn’t really work because my house is small & filled to the brim - and I think if I even suggested it, he’d say thanks but no thanks.

So what’s a loving sister to do? One benefit to having him come would be that our house is filled with pictures of Jesus… crosses… etc. and we always pray before meals so I think we’d be able to provide a good witness… but still… not sure of the message it sends my kids? Your thoughts?
Click to expand...
My parents always told me “there will be no shacking up in our house”. I must admit…that always kind of ended the conversation. It has nothing to do with being “nice” or “accomodating”…it’s just plain consideration for the folks you are staying with. Their house (or in you case…your house) their rules. It’s just plain polite. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Dn’t say no, ever to family. That’s not cool. Say YES!!! We’d love to have you…we have made arrangements so you and ____ will be comfortable (meaning brother gets the sofa, while girlfreind gets an air mattress in the office). My DH and I actually found that it was kind of stimulating (we were NOT religious/spiritual/godly/catholic when we met) when my family set us up in separate rooms. It brings an air of propriety to an otherwise hedonistic world!
 
originally posted by Carol Marie
Plus… when I was younger & single… well let’s just say that I’ve changed ALOT over the years.
Click to expand...
Me Too! It’s so difficult for family to understand when you’ve “upped the values”, so to say. Mine still thinks I’m a hypocrite considering my former self. Their problem.
Anyway, I like the sleeping bag idea, explained to brother before hand of course, and a great big welcome.
I bet he will understand when you bring the idea of how it might effect the kids into it.
Also, if it’s only going to be a couple nights, maybe, if you can afford it, paying their way in a Motel 6 would work.
 
We live in a tiny house. When people want to stay over, we offer them our hospitality of sleeping [aka, “crashing” ] on the living room floor with sleeping bags on air mattresses / foam pads. There are usually people walking around all the time. We have had as many as seven people at one time in the living room!!! What a zoo that was. They also know I roam around a lot what with bathroom trips and making coffee at 5am. (I might also, if appropriate, request no "shggng in public spaces.) [Sorry, couldn’t think of a polite anatomical word for the “act”]
 
Al Masetti:
We live in a tiny house. When people want to stay over, we offer them our hospitality of sleeping [aka, “crashing” ] on the living room floor with sleeping bags on air mattresses / foam pads. There are usually people walking around all the time. We have had as many as seven people at one time in the living room!!! What a zoo that was. They also know I roam around a lot what with bathroom trips and making coffee at 5am. (I might also, if appropriate, request no "shggng in public spaces.) [Sorry, couldn’t think of a polite anatomical word for the “act”]
Click to expand...
By and large, the bigger the crowd, the less likely people are to indulge in that particular form of recreation.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon10.gif
 
Carol-

You need to be aware if they are still together next summer- you might not want to plan on staying with him… You can demand respect for you and your rules in YOUR house, - not his.
 
** Well, when you tell them, be sure to use more appropriate, polite terms other than “shacking up”…It would probably just aggravate them, and impress upon them that you were being rude (which you wouldn’t be, and don’t intend to be). If they ask if they can stay with you before arriving at your doorstep, you can tell them then and there that you have certain rules, that you hope they would understand, and not take any offense to. If they ask you while visiting, just casually mention it anytime after greeting them (don’t want to give his girlfriend a bad impression, do we?) 😃 By the way, I’ve never dealt with such a situation, but this is how I would go about it. :o **
 
I would say just set up the plans to have them sleep in different rooms, sleeping bags for the kids, whatever you have to do - and next time they call or when they get there just show them their sleeping arrangements and leave it at that. Don’t get into it too much - if they say, “well why don’t we just stay in the same room” just smile warmly and say, “Oh, that’s not necessary. We have it all worked out already.” They may just drop it there. If they argue further, tell them that might lead to questions from the kids that you don’t want to answer because you’ve always told them that only married adults sleep in the same room, so you don’t want to cause confusion. They should get it after that.

I would think that most people would expect it though. When I had to stay at my now husband’s parents, it was in separate rooms. And when he stayed at our family’s apartment, he slept on the couch. We didn’t ever think they would let us do otherwise.

Good luck! 🙂
 
Also, think of it this way. If you let him stay with his gf at your house, regardless of what you tell him verbally, you will be sending mixed messages that may let him think it can be ok in some circumstances or that you are in some way ok with it. If you want to help him out, you have to be loving but firm. It would definitely be bad for your children too. Later on in life, they could tell you “Well, if you let uncle… stay here with his gf, why won’t you let me, your own son/dughter”
 
Carol:

I think you’ve gotten some wonderful advice here. One more thing that I would add (sorry if someone else has posted this) is that you might send him a letter or an email (a little less personal, however) outlining how much you love him, that your children adore him, and that he must either sleep in separate bedrooms with his ladyfriend or he should plan on staying in a hotel. (Which he should pay for). In fact, they might be able to do more in Chicago if he’s at a hotel and then spends an evening or afternoon with your family than if he stays with you. I really would put this in writing, again, stressing your affection for him and the fact that you are looking forward to meeting his girlfriend. You can have a wonderful meal prepared for them. And sleeping with a couple of young children might not be this lady’s cup of tea. And, if she wants to make a good impression on you, it might be easier to do so if she’s camped out somewhere else anyway. Or, perhaps the four of you can see a movie together. Do you think he might be interested in marrying this woman?

I’m sorry your brother’s in this arrangement, but perhaps by your lovingkindness he will someday recognize the source of your peace and happiness. God bless you in this very delicate situation.
 
Such excellent advice from you guys! I was honestly thinking it was no big deal… like maybe if my brother saw my picture of Jesus on the wall, he would magically realize that he shouldn’t be sleeping w/ his girflfriend and my job would be done without ever having to say a word! But after reading all of your excellent opinions… I have to say that I think I’m going to have to talk to him about it… as difficult as that’s going to be. It’s for his own good… and of course my children as well. I’ll let you know how it went after we talk. His trip is still in the “planning” stage. Can I be honest & tell you that I really HOPE they don’t come so I can avoid the whole thing? :o

Peace to you all,
CM
 
Of course, you can be honest here! All of us feel that way about awkward family situations. You’re in my prayers.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top