Do married couples have to have sex?

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cjcapta

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I was wondering because I have some medical disorders and it might not be possible for me to be a good parent. Also, I feel that I have my special calling in making a big religious company and feel that I might not be able to spend that much time with kids, and that I would be better equiped to be able to follow my calling in life with out them.
 
So you got married?

You want to head a big religious company and don’t want kids – but you got married? You have medical conditions that might make you a bad parent – but you got married?

I see 7 pages of argument coming. . .

Yes, in marriage you are obliged to have sex – look in your catechism.
 
The producing and raising of children is pretty much the point of getting married…so…uh…🤷
 
As far as I know, there is an exception to the rule in cases of health and other -good- reasons. A marriage in which there is no sex is called a Josephite marriage. The Church does perform these. But as I said, you have to have a good reason and you possibly might have to write to your Bishop for permission to get this kind of marriage done. Do talk to your Priest.
 
In order to get married, the idea is to consummate the marriage. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_marriage

If you are not married, then please don’t get married. If you are married and don’t yet have children, talk with your wife and then a good, solid, orthodox priest. There has to be mutual agreement about this, and you are denying her the marriage rights to which she is entitled if you can indeed have intercourse.
 
It is all well and good to ask here…but what does your partner have to say? That would be key in this discussion.

Steve
 
I would say that one “calling” should not contradict another “calling”.

If you are truly called to do something that precludes being a parent, then you can not also be called to a vocation whose purpose is to have children.
 
To validly marry one must be capable of consummating the marriage.

If both partners agree to abstain, then you could live in continence. BUT, each partner owes the marital debt to the other (sexual relations) and if your spouse asked for sexual relations you would be obligated to cease living in continence and enter into a true marriage.

You need a lot of spiritual direction. You should be under the guidance of a priest regarding your situation, your vocation, and any marriage you contemplate.

Perhaps, given what you’v written about your health issues and your desire to have a large company to which you devote all your time, you are not called to marriage.
 
1ke said:
To validly marry one must be capable of consummating the marriage.

If both partners agree to abstain, then you could live in continence. BUT, each partner owes the marital debt to the other (sexual relations) and if your spouse asked for sexual relations you would be obligated to cease living in continence and enter into a true marriage.

You need a lot of spiritual direction. You should be under the guidance of a priest regarding your situation, your vocation, and any marriage you contemplate.

Perhaps, given what you’v written about your health issues and your desire to have a large company to which you devote all your time, you are not called to marriage.
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So what should you do if you love someone?
 
KCtheMommy said:
So you got married?

You want to head a big religious company and don’t want kids – but you got married? You have medical conditions that might make you a bad parent – but you got married?

I see 7 pages of argument coming. . .

Yes, in marriage you are obliged to have sex – look in your catechism.
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I never got married, I’m just asking a question.
 
PaulinVA said:
I would say that one “calling” should not contradict another “calling”.

If you are truly called to do something that precludes being a parent, then you can not also be called to a vocation whose purpose is to have children.
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Well, as you said, that’s just what you say.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
In order to get married, the idea is to consummate the marriage. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_marriage

If you are not married, then please don’t get married. If you are married and don’t yet have children, talk with your wife and then a good, solid, orthodox priest. There has to be mutual agreement about this, and you are denying her the marriage rights to which she is entitled if you can indeed have intercourse.
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Didn’t you read seremina’s reply? You even gave the link to the website that says that it is okay. (Although it is wikipedia, and there are no references on that article)
 
Funny you should ask. Fr. Trijillio I believe on EWTN said that a dispensation can be obtained IFF the bishop chooses to give you one. Only he was referring to someone that is impotent. Ordinarily, a couple must consumate the marriage within a year for it to be valid. However, why on earth would you want to do such a thing? You might as well remain celebate and work on your apostolate or job or whatever it is you feel called to. Join Opus Dei or something like that if it means that much to you. Religious orders are wonderful. You could find so much more joy and be so much more productive. However, it’s you and your fiance’s choice.
 
vocatio said:
Funny you should ask. Fr. Trijillio I believe on EWTN said that a dispensation can be obtained IFF the bishop chooses to give you one. Only he was referring to someone that is impotent. Ordinarily, a couple must consumate the marriage within a year for it to be valid. However, why on earth would you want to do such a thing? You might as well remain celebate and work on your apostolate or job or whatever it is you feel called to. Join Opus Dei or something like that if it means that much to you. Religious orders are wonderful. You could find so much more joy and be so much more productive. However, it’s you and your fiance’s choice.
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I have a couple of questions:
  1. What is EWTN?
  2. What is a dispensation?
  3. Does consumate a marriage mean have sex or does it mean that they have to have a child? This to 4
  4. Would the answer to the question “Do married couples have to have kids?” be different? Becuase couples can have sex and not have kids.
  5. Also, when you were saying why would you want to do such a thing, do you mean consumate a marriage, or get married and not have sex? If you answer number 5 I will be able to give you more info.
 
EWTN = Eternal Word Television Network (catholic TV). There is also a website www.ewtn.com

What people are saying is that under ordinary circumstances, a couple needs to have physical relations (sex) to get married. I’m gathering that there are some rare exceptions to this, but they are indeed rare, and they are exceptions. A dispensation would be permission given to do what otherwise wouldn’t be allowed. I believe this permission would need to come from your bishop.

Consumating the marriage is having physical relations, NOT having children.

It is not a requirement of marriage that you have children. It is, however, a requirement that you be open to having children. After all, the primary purpose of marriage is to have children (well that and help your spouse get to heaven), and it is one of the promises that is made in a Catholic wedding. If you have relations and are open to children, but are not ever blessed with children, then that is ok. But to enter into marriage, knowing that you will not be open to children would require you to lie at your wedding, and would be grounds for considering the marriage null (if it ever came up).

I imagine it must be a difficult dilemma to be in love with someone, yet not feel called to the married life. But love is not a feeling and it can not be the only reason for marrying a person. Unless this is a really unique situation (talk to your priest if you really think it is), it just doesn’t make sense to get married if you are not able to fulfil the responsibilities of marriage. Lying at your wedding and living a life that contradicts the meaning of marriage will not help you or your spouse get to heaven. So the most loving thing to do for a person in this case would be not to marry them, and support their holiness in other ways, pursuing the path your life is really meant to take.
 
cjcapta said:
I have a couple of questions:
  1. What is EWTN?
  2. What is a dispensation?
  3. Does consumate a marriage mean have sex or does it mean that they have to have a child? This to 4
  4. Would the answer to the question “Do married couples have to have kids?” be different? Becuase couples can have sex and not have kids.
  5. Also, when you were saying why would you want to do such a thing, do you mean consumate a marriage, or get married and not have sex? If you answer number 5 I will be able to give you more info.
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Oh…you are serious. Sorry.

Aswer to 1 and 3 are provided already. For 2, the bishop is at least the level one would need to receive permission. There are some occasions when Rome is where one turns. For example, married men becoming priests.

4 is kind of logical to me. Of course you can get married and if you didn’t have children you are still valid married provided 3 is met without 2. Like this yet. I’m having fun playing the numbers game.

What I meant by 5 is why would someone want to married when they have another vocation calling them and they don’t plan to have sex anyway. I understand if you are marrying someone to take care of them. There is nothing wrong with this. I’m not against celebate marriages. In fact, that’s fine. But the original post sounded like the only reason not wanting to have sex was not to have children. Well, that means, you may be called to the other vocation, not both. That’s all.

We often forget that Joseph took Mary on as his wife. This was a very common thing in the culture of the time…for couples to remain celebate in a marriage of convenience…in the case of an elderly man providing for a virgin who in return provides care for him, cooking, cleaning, help in general. Nothing wrong with it. But if you have the other religious thing calling you, then it’s doubtful that you should consider marrying… more importantly, does the other person realize what he/she is getting into. I’ve offered my wife celebacy if she wants it. I really mean it. I offered to let her go so that she could consider becoming a nun one day. She’s make a wonderful nun or sister…well I still consider her a sister. If we separeated like that I could become a priest once our children were of age…21 to 25. Sure I’d be old, but I feel I’d be able to do the thing I believe God first called me to. But this is my vocation, bishop of this domestic church. My subject are sleeping 😉 . But they don’t let me wear a miter ir carry a crozier.
 
vocatio said:
Oh…you are serious. Sorry.

Aswer to 1 and 3 are provided already. For 2, the bishop is at least the level one would need to receive permission. There are some occasions when Rome is where one turns. For example, married men becoming priests.

4 is kind of logical to me. Of course you can get married and if you didn’t have children you are still valid married provided 3 is met without 2. Like this yet. I’m having fun playing the numbers game.

What I meant by 5 is why would someone want to married when they have another vocation calling them and they don’t plan to have sex anyway. I understand if you are marrying someone to take care of them. There is nothing wrong with this. I’m not against celebate marriages. In fact, that’s fine. But the original post sounded like the only reason not wanting to have sex was not to have children. Well, that means, you may be called to the other vocation, not both. That’s all.

We often forget that Joseph took Mary on as his wife. This was a very common thing in the culture of the time…for couples to remain celebate in a marriage of convenience…in the case of an elderly man providing for a virgin who in return provides care for him, cooking, cleaning, help in general. Nothing wrong with it. But if you have the other religious thing calling you, then it’s doubtful that you should consider marrying… more importantly, does the other person realize what he/she is getting into. I’ve offered my wife celebacy if she wants it. I really mean it. I offered to let her go so that she could consider becoming a nun one day. She’s make a wonderful nun or sister…well I still consider her a sister. If we separeated like that I could become a priest once our children were of age…21 to 25. Sure I’d be old, but I feel I’d be able to do the thing I believe God first called me to. But this is my vocation, bishop of this domestic church. My subject are sleeping 😉 . But they don’t let me wear a miter ir carry a crozier.
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Why did you say “oh you were serious sorry”? It’s not like you said something joking around and then I was all serious. And what would I be joking about? Why would a celibate (spelled with an i) marriage not be okay if the main reason wasn’t to have children? And if it is a celibate marriage, then isn’t it not really a marriage at all?

When you say why would you marry someone if you aren’t going to have sex I can think of a couple of reasons: for example wikipedia says: People marry for many reasons, but usually one or more of the following: legal, social, and economic stability; the formation of a family unit; procreation and the education and nurturing of children; legitimizing sexual relations; public declaration of love; or to obtain citizenship.

Also, I’m sure you are aware of Jason Evert and his website. One of the things that he says is that you should not move in with another person until marriage. Of course, I don’t know whether this was just advice, or if this is God’s Word.

Another reason would be for emotional support. I’ve read in a lot of introductions in books about how an author is thanking his or her spouse for always being there for him/her and that they couldn’t have done it without them. And life can sometimes be easier when two people are working together, as they say two heads are better than one. Isn’t it nice having a lifetime partner who always loves you back?

Finally, you would marry a person if you truly love him/her and you can picture youself being with him/her. And also if they have traits that are good for a marriage. I’m saying you shouldn’t just marry a person for their looks or because their wealth or social status, you should marry them if you are compatible and able to work productively with each other. If you are in a relationship but don’t want to have kids, are you saying that you should just stay as girlfriend and boyfriend?

Also, just to make sure no one misunderstand this post, I am against same-sex marriage, so don’t start saying I am for it.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
EWTN = Eternal Word Television Network (catholic TV). There is also a website www.ewtn.com

What people are saying is that under ordinary circumstances, a couple needs to have physical relations (sex) to get married. I’m gathering that there are some rare exceptions to this, but they are indeed rare, and they are exceptions. A dispensation would be permission given to do what otherwise wouldn’t be allowed. I believe this permission would need to come from your bishop.

Consumating the marriage is having physical relations, NOT having children.

It is not a requirement of marriage that you have children. It is, however, a requirement that you be open to having children. After all, the primary purpose of marriage is to have children (well that and help your spouse get to heaven), and it is one of the promises that is made in a Catholic wedding. If you have relations and are open to children, but are not ever blessed with children, then that is ok. But to enter into marriage, knowing that you will not be open to children would require you to lie at your wedding, and would be grounds for considering the marriage null (if it ever came up).

I imagine it must be a difficult dilemma to be in love with someone, yet not feel called to the married life. But love is not a feeling and it can not be the only reason for marrying a person. Unless this is a really unique situation (talk to your priest if you really think it is), it just doesn’t make sense to get married if you are not able to fulfil the responsibilities of marriage. Lying at your wedding and living a life that contradicts the meaning of marriage will not help you or your spouse get to heaven. So the most loving thing to do for a person in this case would be not to marry them, and support their holiness in other ways, pursuing the path your life is really meant to take.
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Since when is love not a feeling? According to its definition, n.
  1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
  2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
You say it is not a requirement of marriage to have children but to be open to children. So having sex during the time a woman can’t get pregnant wouldn’t count? Also, what if you had sex once during the time a woman can get pregnant but didn’t have a child? Would that be okay?

And what about people who can’t financially have a baby? Having a child is extremely expensive!
 
Boy, you have a lot of questions for someone who isn’t getting married. But that’s okay…

You have to be open to children, meaning you won’t use birth control to stop it. You can use NFP and postpone pregnancy by not having sex at certain times every month. NFP is just as affective as the pill, if used correctly. However, if you get “caught up” in the moment and have sex during one of the no days, she could become pregnant. If she does not, that’s okay. But you are open to any children that might come from you being together.

If you wait until you can afford a baby, you won’t ever have one:)

I have to ask, and I’m sorry if this upsets you, but how old are you? You seem young to me, I could be wrong. Maybe it’s the rapid fire questions that make me think I’m talking to a teenager. Again, don’t be upset. I would like to know why you have all of these questions.
 
happymommy said:
Boy, you have a lot of questions for someone who isn’t getting married. But that’s okay…

You have to be open to children, meaning you won’t use birth control to stop it. You can use NFP and postpone pregnancy by not having sex at certain times every month. NFP is just as affective as the pill, if used correctly. However, if you get “caught up” in the moment and have sex during one of the no days, she could become pregnant. If she does not, that’s okay. But you are open to any children that might come from you being together.

If you wait until you can afford a baby, you won’t ever have one:)

I have to ask, and I’m sorry if this upsets you, but how old are you? You seem young to me, I could be wrong. Maybe it’s the rapid fire questions that make me think I’m talking to a teenager. Again, don’t be upset. I would like to know why you have all of these questions.
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15.5

Also, when you say postpone pregnancy, are you saying you eventually have to have a child? And are you saying you have to have sex every month? What about after someone has a child (there is another thread on this board about someone who has had children and doesn’t want any more), do they still have to have sex?
Finally, where in the bible does the church reach this conclusion about having to be open to having children?
 
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