Do most women TRULY appreciate good men?

[HappyPerson]

Many women will claim that they want men to respect them for who they are, and treat them with respect and dignity. Why is it, though, that whenever push comes to shove, and they actually meet a man who treats them well, they find him boring, or they take all their vengeance on the male species out on him, suspecting he’ll put up with it, thinking he’s a push-over? Why are they afraid to get close to him, emotionally speaking? Why do women CREATE unnecessary conflict in such relationships? Why are they more drawn to men who will emotionally and/or physically abuse them? Do they feel safer in a relationship where they are being used rather than loved, since it is less effort to get a man to use them than to love them? Are women that influenced by the media, or is there more to this that I am not seeing?

If you are an exception to this, please don’t take offense. Rather understand, though, that at least from my perspective, you seem to be an exception, not the norm.

Also, how much(and what) can a man put up with, before he truly should be considered a push-over? We want to be nice and kind and forgive her 70 x 7 times, but at what point do we need to dump her?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Many women will claim that they want men to respect them for who they are, and treat them with respect and dignity. Why is it, though, that whenever push comes to shove, and they actually meet a man who treats them well, they find him boring, or they take all their vengeance on the male species out on him, suspecting he’ll put up with it, thinking he’s a push-over. Why are they afraid to get close to him, emotionally speaking? Why are they more drawn to men who will emotionally and/or physically abuse them? Are women that influenced by the media, or is there more to this that I am not seeing?

**It all depends on the two individuals. If a woman finds herself afraid to commit to a “good guy” then she probably has some issues she needs to work on. If a man finds himself being attracted to “damaged” women, then he also has issues that need to be addressed.

I think in general though it is just a by-product of our sick society. Women WANT good guys and men WANT good girls but they can’t recognize them when they are right in front of them. The media has brainwashed into thinking that “good” is one thing while our consciences scream for another. It can be very confusing. But it seems like when a person has their priorities straight (God first, above all else) then it is easier to find another person who also puts God first.**

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

**
I think in general though it is just a by-product of our sick society. Women WANT good guys and men WANT good girls but they can’t recognize them when they are right in front of them. The media has brainwashed into thinking that “good” is one thing while our consciences scream for another. It can be very confusing. But it seems like when a person has their priorities straight (God first, above all else) then it is easier to find another person who also puts God first.**

I think Malia explained it very well here.

If a woman doesn’t want a good man, than you should probably keep looking. A woman who has her priorities straight should want a man with his priorities straight too!

 

[chevalier]

I think we do a poor job of looking if we end up with someone who doesn’t want a “good” man or woman. I don’t think a person without some “bad girl” or “bad guy” characteristics, or without some visible confused characteristics, would pick the “baddies” over the “goodies”. Generally, the kind of fish one gets depends on where one casts the net. If one is after secular people, one shouldn’t be too surprised if they use contraceptives, don’t mind having sex in relationships and so on. If one is after those a little on the naughty side, one shouldn’t be too surprised to see some, well, naughty things. And if you go for femme fatale, prepare for trouble.

In my life, I’ve complained a lot about women making bad choices, not wanting a good guy and so on, but in the end, I’ve realised that all I’ve got myself into has been because of my choices and that whenever I got hurt, I had gone for the wrong girl. And there had always been something I had ignored, some red flag.

 

[monicatholic]

i don’t know if this description will adddress your questions. i’m just going to tell it and let you extrapolate whatever you will:

our history is pretty weird. i married a man whom i never dated. nor courted. he was my friend. i married a good guy. i treated him badly for three years.

the psychological aspect of my abuse in a nutshell:

1. i thought there was something messed up in him in that he wanted to be with me. (i eventually nearly convinced him of this, too. smart cookie, i was.)
2. his good guy stuff sometimes made me ill-- i thought it was weakness.
3. i was rancorously jealous of him. he was honest, steady, reliable, forthcoming. i was none of those things.
4. when he would react badly, i would use it as a weapon-- ***see? you’re not so together, afterall. ***
5. i was taking revenge on a few guys i’d known, my father headed the list. turns out my husband was nothing like my father, but i was.

he got to a point, though, where he was done with my verbal/ emotional abuse. he didn’t leave our marriage, he only pulled waaay back from me. my opinions, or rants, or temperments, or whines were no longer powerful to him. i found myself ***ignored. ***

God drew me into a reversion.

God drew him into a conversion.

we met somewhere about 12 years ago, both Catholic, still married to each other. whoda guessed it.

we then, together, struggled with obedience issues (read total committment to openness to life) we both finally submitted to Jesus through obedience to the Church.

i began to understand total self-giving had to start outside of the bedroom. funny, he seemed to be changing, too.

These past 8 or 9 years, we’ve been as happy as any married people i ever knew.

guys at my husband’s job ask him, “how do you stay married for 20 years?”

he responds, “easy. don’t get divorced.”

but when they push him further about the happiness of his marriage, he tells them, “obey God. sorry. i know that’s not the answerr you wanted. but that’s the only answer for us.”

from this i learned my personal motto: let’s change. i’ll go first.

caveat: this is not meant to give permission to any woman who is afraid for her safety or the safety of her kids. my husband is 6 foot 5. he wasn’t afraid of me. had the tables been turned, it would have been acceptable (responsible even) for me to have taken the kids and got safe. this is also not an invitation for fellows to ignore their emotional wives. my husband’s choice to distance himself from me wasn’t punitive. it was emotional survival.

 

[strngrnrth]

All the women I know appreciate good men – and try to respect their marriages, too.

 

[marietta]

Good men?

marietta

 

[Cat]

When I read the OP, my first thought was, “No, they don’t appreciate good men.”

My personal opinion is that this is due to various entertainment media. Often in movies, tv shows, and novels, women fall in love with men who are total awful, rebel-types, villains, monsters, etc. This is the “James Dean” mythos–the idea of the misunderstood rebel.

The story in Grease is a good example of this. The heroine, who is sweet and decent, falls for a hoodlum and ends up giving him her virginity, and everyone dances around and sings cutesy 50s-style songs about how wonderful this is.

If this happened to you or your daughter in real life, it would be a complete tragedy, probably tear your family apart.

Another good example is the mythos surrounding Jim Morrison. This man is venerated as a god-like being, when in reality, he was on drugs and mixed up as all get out.

That’s one reason I love shows like The Unit, a show that heralds heroic, manly men who are willing to give their lives to help others. Another past show that was really excellent was Boy Meets World. There was a “hoodlum” on the show, but the whole point is that he was trying to clean up his act and be more like Corey.

I don’t think men should be portrayed as perfect in media, but I do wish that we could see more women falling for heroic men instead of goofs.

 

[Teakafrog]

No, most don’t. I’ll give you my husband’s history as an example. He was used and abused over and over. Engaged to a girl who cheated on him constantly–she ended up marrying a jerk who beats her senseless and cheats on her constantly.
I, on the other hand, recognized what a gem he was and snapped him up! I had an abusive father, and knew that I would NEVER marry a man like that. So when I finally found one, I snagged him. It took a while to find one though.

 

[1ke]

I think this is a gross generalization.

What seems evident is that the OP has been hurt by a particular woman or women. What does not follow is that all women are like the ones he has dated.

 

[monicatholic]

What does not follow is that all women are like the ones he has dated.

1ke, this is true. but as a former non-appreciator, I’ll attest to this: when I was early married and treating my husband badly, I had lots of gal pals who loved to join me in our female superiority fest of man bashing.

since my paradigm shift, it’s been harder to find women, especially in groups, who are as comfortable talking about what great husbands they married, what wonderful fathers their kids have.

it’s no coincidence that the women most happy to talk about their good husbands and happy homes are catholic women married to catholic men.

as for our OP, he mentioned a few instances of ignoring red flags. HappyPerson, now you know: “Turn Back Now. This Means You” really does mean you.

 

[strngrnrth]

Most women look for a nice guy and try to get him interested, and then try to keep him.
Some men are obviously not nice. They talk about their success with women but they are not being factual.
Some men are not nice but they watch nice guys all the time to learn to imitate them to attract women. They reveal what they are really like when it’s hard to get out.
Some women want to be in a shallow relationship so they look for someone who doesn’t want to be serious any more than they do. When they get together with someone who is serious they feel smothered and try to get him to back off a little. However there are more men who do that than women.
Some women are afraid of making fools of themselves over men who aren’t interested. They will not show any attraction, even when it is there, to anyone who is too subtle, for fear of embarrasment. Many men do the same thing for the same reason.

 

[Layman]

Women are attracted to power. This can mean ‘bad boys’. When these ‘bad boys’ act according to their nature towards them, they start whining.

Men make the mistake of thinking women think like men, and vice versa.

It’s man’s job to be the master. A woman wants to find her master; a man who’ll protect her, and who she can look up to. Hence all the ‘acting up’; it’s a test of dominance.

Also, many women will bring to bear on their current man negative feelings they have towards other men; their father or ex-boyfriends.

A smart man gives a curt rebuke when that happens and then heads to the pub, to let her stew in her own juice for a while. A man is not required to be an emotional sponge for the negative junk of women.

TV is propaganda. Films are propaganda. Newspapers are propaganda. Don’t take life-lessons from them.

 

[marietta]

Layman:

Not all women are attracted to power. Many women are attracted to the bounty of life itself and the blessings that come with it.

It is not the man’s job to be the master. It is the man’s job to be a partner. The women I know and respect do not want a man “they can look up to”. They want a man they can look square in the eye and with whom they can be authentic. If women have had negative experiences with men, these experiences may come into play but are not a death knell for the relationship. And men are equally susceptible to sharing earlier negative experiences. These actions take place within the process of revealing oneself. If we want someone to truly love us, we want them to know who we are and how we got to this place.

“A smart man gives a curt rebuke when that happens and then heads to the pub, to let her stew in her own juice for a while.”

When this happened to me for the hundredth time, after a five year relationship, instead of “stewing” I packed my bag and drove home, 200 miles, to central Texas. Never went back. Never spoke to him again. A man could lose an awful lot playing the manly man game.

Who stepped on you? You obviously have a story to tell. I’d love to read all about it. Of course, I’m not required to be an emotional sponge for you, but I could volunteer . . .

marietta

 

[Layman]

It’s also a man’s job to be strong and silent.

 

[Cajun_Girl]

HappyPerson,

It may be slightly unfair to say that this is purely a problem with women. I certainly have known plently of men who were married to devoted, loving wives and who cheated on them, screamed at them, demeaned them, and then left them. I’ve also seen plenty of great marriages where both spouses appreciated each other. I’d certainly like to think that I appreciate my husband’s goodness–at least most of the time!

However, I’ve definitely known women who have acted as you described. When my husband first asked me on a date, I accepted because I had seen him opening doors for others, offering to help anyone who needed it,and generally showing kindness to people he met during the day. I took this as a good sign that his sweetness towards me was not merely an act. Later on, however, I learned that his former girlfriend had screamed at him for wasting her time whenever he let someone pass in front of him or opened a door for a handicapped person. She also introduced him to others as “that stupid redneck I’m dating.” It’s amazing to me that someone could not appreciate one of the qualities I love most in him!

Forgiving someone 70x7 means that you should bear no ill will to those who have wronged you, that you should pray for their happiness and holiness. It does not mean that you should allow yourself to be abused by those who do not appreciate you.

 

[strngrnrth]

Women are attracted to power.

Keep guessing.

It’s man’s job to be the master. A woman wants to find her master; a man who’ll protect her, and who she can look up to. Hence all the ‘acting up’; it’s a test of dominance.

One more guess.

A smart man gives a curt rebuke when that happens and then heads to the pub, to let her stew in her own juice for a while. A man is not required to be an emotional sponge for the negative junk of women.

Sorry, you are not a winner this time.
:doh2:

 

[Trishie]

He’d better not be silent! And he can be vulnerable as well as strong. I’m attracted most only to truly good men. I’m awed only by men who genuinely care for others. I like a man also to be intelligent and to have a vibrant sense of humour.

My husband has flaws, but he is good. He has become ill, but still goes out of his way to be helpful to his mother and anyone else even though he has little energy. He is honest and moral. He makes me laugh. My husband wasn’t easy to live with during some of our married life as his ‘flaw’ was perfectionism; but I always knew he was good. Goodness, faithfulness, kindness is non-negociable.

I remember an event which occurred years ago, and I thought, that’s him, my husband, what he would do. A caravan/mobile home caught fire. The father got all the family out, and then with deep tissue burns to 90% of his body he drove 13 miles to the nearest hospital to get his family treated for burns, after which he died. Can you imagine how that drive was for him with burns to 90% of his body!

I think a lot of marriages occur because people mistake attraction for love. When they no longer feel that original attraction, because much of it was based on illusions anyway, they think they’ve fallen out of love. Sometimes there wasn’t actually genuine love on one side or both, just dazzled self-interest. Media, books etc haven’t helped to teach that love is commitment to the true good of each other regardless of difficulties.

 

[elts1956]

Many women will claim that they want men to respect them for who they are, and treat them with respect and dignity. Why is it, though, that whenever push comes to shove, and they actually meet a man who treats them well, they find him boring, or they take all their vengeance on the male species out on him, suspecting he’ll put up with it, thinking he’s a push-over? Why are they afraid to get close to him, emotionally speaking? Why do women CREATE unnecessary conflict in such relationships? Why are they more drawn to men who will emotionally and/or physically abuse them? Do they feel safer in a relationship where they are being used rather than loved, since it is less effort to get a man to use them than to love them? Are women that influenced by the media, or is there more to this that I am not seeing?

If you are an exception to this, please don’t take offense. Rather understand, though, that at least from my perspective, you seem to be an exception, not the norm.

Also, how much(and what) can a man put up with, before he truly should be considered a push-over? We want to be nice and kind and forgive her 70 x 7 times, but at what point do we need to dump her?

Read somwhere that WHO you are WITH says as much about YOU as the other person. If one has questions about the other half of a relationship, we need to ask, why did I choose this person? We all have baggage. Finding someone with as little baggage and you think you have is a challenge.

 

[elts1956]

Many women will claim that they want men to respect them for who they are, and treat them with respect and dignity. Why is it, though, that whenever push comes to shove, and they actually meet a man who treats them well, they find him boring, or they take all their vengeance on the male species out on him, suspecting he’ll put up with it, thinking he’s a push-over? Why are they afraid to get close to him, emotionally speaking? Why do women CREATE unnecessary conflict in such relationships? Why are they more drawn to men who will emotionally and/or physically abuse them? Do they feel safer in a relationship where they are being used rather than loved, since it is less effort to get a man to use them than to love them? Are women that influenced by the media, or is there more to this that I am not seeing?

If you are an exception to this, please don’t take offense. Rather understand, though, that at least from my perspective, you seem to be an exception, not the norm.

Also, how much(and what) can a man put up with, before he truly should be considered a push-over? We want to be nice and kind and forgive her 70 x 7 times, but at what point do we need to dump her?

Women are attracted to power. This can mean ‘bad boys’. When these ‘bad boys’ act according to their nature towards them, they start whining.

Men make the mistake of thinking women think like men, and vice versa.

It’s man’s job to be the master. A woman wants to find her master; a man who’ll protect her, and who she can look up to. Hence all the ‘acting up’; it’s a test of dominance.

Also, many women will bring to bear on their current man negative feelings they have towards other men; their father or ex-boyfriends.

A smart man gives a curt rebuke when that happens and then heads to the pub, to let her stew in her own juice for a while. A man is not required to be an emotional sponge for the negative junk of women.

TV is propaganda. Films are propaganda. Newspapers are propaganda. Don’t take life-lessons from them.

You’re putting us on, right???