Do Other People Feel This Way After Annulment?

[Suslar]

I was married for almost 15 years. It was a disaster from the beginning yet I kept trying to “make it work.” I finally sought divorce and annulment. And just today, I received the official decree that the Tribunal declared the marriage null.

A dear friend thinks it is “finally time to celebrate.”

Another friend who has been pressuring me to start dating is already trying to arrange a date for me.

But I don’t feel like there is anything to celebrate and I certainly don’t feel ready to be out there dating. Instead, I feel a profound sense of loss.

I also have so many questions about that almost 15 year period of time. If the annulment gives credence that the Sacrament of matrimony never took place, do I need to confess the conjugal acts to my priest? Although legally married, I know now I was not married in the eyes of the Church – does that mean we were, in a very real sense, “living in sin”?

I’d appreciate hearing from soneone else who has had a marriage annulled. Thanks!

Peace

 

[Convert_in_99]

I haven’t had an annulment so I can’t answer your questions about that. I can answer that your marriage, unless invalid in form (not married in the church), was PRESUMED valid. So no relations during that time were considered sinful. Relations after the annulment went through, and marriage was declared to be invalid, would be considered sinful. I also believe you are supposed to live as brother and sister while the annulment is going through if you have not yet separated. Hope this helps answer that question. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You have suffered an actual loss and it will be very painful. That would be normal and natural. I will pray for God’s will to be done.

 

[Suslar]

Thanks for your insight about the presumption – that takes a HUGE load off my mind!

Actually, prior to seeking an annulment, the marriage had to be legally ended through divorce. And I can assure you, no relations were taking place during our separation prior to divorce . . . at least not with me anyway . . . . .

If I may be so bold, will you please pray for my little one? She’s 5 and has lived without her dad for 3 years. With Father’s Day coming up, she has questions about where he is and why he doesn’t want to spend time with her that are really difficult to answer. She prays every night “for mommy’s new husband” so that she can have a daddy . . . . .

 

[Convert_in_99]

Thanks for your insight about the presumption – that takes a HUGE load off my mind!

Actually, prior to seeking an annulment, the marriage had to be legally ended through divorce. And I can assure you, no relations were taking place during our separation prior to divorce . . . at least not with me anyway . . . . .

If I may be so bold, will you please pray for my little one? She’s 5 and has lived without her dad for 3 years. With Father’s Day coming up, she has questions about where he is and why he doesn’t want to spend time with her that are really difficult to answer. She prays every night “for mommy’s new husband” so that she can have a daddy . . . . .

I’m so sorry for your little daughter. How incredibly difficult that must be for her. I will say a prayer just for her.

 

[mslanatv]

Buddy, I get you totally. I was married for ten years and now have been legally divorced for a year and a half. My priest told me to file for the annulment immediatly so I would know which way to proceed in my life. I have been putting it off and am now just getting started. I wish I would of listened to him and done it earlier because it sucks to go through it all again when you are just starting to feel normal. I am totaly with you on the mixed emotions. When you were married for that long its tough to try and move on, for me it’s like the annulment is saying it’s really over all over again (if that makes sense ). any way I don’t have any advice, just that I think I get where you are coming from.

 

[MrS]

I had mixed feelings. I had married a girl who had been married in the Catholic Church. I was out of the Church at the time, and she was clearly not free to marry. Our marriage was doomed from day one since God was not a part of it. Divorce followed. Then God sent me the one He chose. (25 years and counting!!)

My annulment was quite easy to obtain under the circumstances. When I first was told it would be “easy”, I felt insulted, just as I did when I received the final decree of divorce. How could anyone so easily cancel out 10 years of my life. But in the back of my mind - as much as I knew from the beginning that something was not right - I now knew that something was being made “right”.

The legal marriage existed from the start. The sacramental marriage was never there, hence the annulment… in the eyes of the Church. It put into perspective the difference between a real marriage in which three become one and a legal decree of union for the sake of man’s laws.

The thoughts of “…but we WERE married…” will probably never go away. We were… just not the way God intended. She is still my ex, not my never-was.

I use to wonder if I had never been faced with a “2nd” marriage, if I would have sought the annulment because I remember thinking at that time…“annulment?? you can’t just make that disappear!”

There are so many, many more annulments now than ever. And the reason is that there are so many, many more marriages that qualify for never-was.

On the bright side… homosexual “marriages” will be easy to declare annuled for the obvious reason. They never existed in the first place.

Yes, you can join your 5 year old in prayer. But pray to accept the vocation which God has planned for you. It might be a sacramental marriage.

 

[Suslar]

Thank you all for your kindess and support.
My whole soul just aches. It does feel alot like it did the day the divorce was granted - just a loss. It’s hard to explain because I don’t miss my ex; it’s more the idea of the lost dream . . coupled with how silly I feel for trying to make it work so long.

As part of the annulment process, I wrote 26 pages of testimony. 26! And when I asked a brother to be a witness, he finally showed me a videotape from the wedding day showing my ex drinking in the Sacristy and saying, "Oh this? It’s like Holy Water - and I’ve already had 3. . . . " While I didn’t know he had been drinking just before the ceremony, I knew I was feeling way more than cold feet but didn’t know how to back out. He wasn’t Catholic at the time (another HUGE red flag that I missed) so I feel more responsible . . . and, guilty - like I should have known better.

And, since the divorce, I have also done my fair share of blaming – like my poor brother - he didn’t tell me about the pre-ceremony drinking until it was too late . . . and the priest who “prepared us” for marriage . . . and my family & friends for not telling me what they really thought of my ex until after the divorce . . . . . but I always come back to myself. . . I just should have known better. It feels like I’ve wasted 15 years of my life and now I’m alone with the incredible responsibility of being both mother and father to an innocent child. We need al the prayers we can get!

 

[dashso40]

Hello Suslar…even if people had told you about your ex before you were married, you probably would not have listened…that’s just human nature…stop beating yourself up and move on…your young, you have your whole life in front of you…as for your child, just be a positive example and love the Lord and don’t talk bad about your ex in front of her b/c it will just backfire on you…it takes time to adjust to the feelings of loss over a failed marriage…give it time…people always want to fix single people up…I recommend not dating and work on healing, praying and spending time with your child…good luck and I will pray for you…

 

[jwashu]

Thanks for your insight about the presumption – that takes a HUGE load off my mind!

Actually, prior to seeking an annulment, the marriage had to be legally ended through divorce. And I can assure you, no relations were taking place during our separation prior to divorce . . . at least not with me anyway . . . . .

If I may be so bold, will you please pray for my little one? She’s 5 and has lived without her dad for 3 years. With Father’s Day coming up, she has questions about where he is and why he doesn’t want to spend time with her that are really difficult to answer. She prays every night “for mommy’s new husband” so that she can have a daddy . . . . .

I have 4 sons (age 6, 4, 2, and 4 months) and this truly makes me weep. I will definitely be praying for you and your daughter and that God send the right person at the right time for you and your daughter. As a guy I apologize from the male sex for all that you have been through, no one deserves that. Know that there truly are good men out there and I’m sure there is one God has in mind for you and your daughter. Don’t rush into anything though, pray and take your time. Finding the right spouse who will also be daddy is much more important than just getting a daddy (but I’m sure you already know that).

God Bless,

Joe

 

[Peggy_in_Burien]

Thank you all for your kindess and support.
My whole soul just aches. It does feel alot like it did the day the divorce was granted - just a loss. It’s hard to explain because I don’t miss my ex; it’s more the idea of the lost dream . . coupled with how silly I feel for trying to make it work so long.

As part of the annulment process, I wrote 26 pages of testimony. 26! And when I asked a brother to be a witness, he finally showed me a videotape from the wedding day showing my ex drinking in the Sacristy and saying, "Oh this? It’s like Holy Water - and I’ve already had 3. . . . " While I didn’t know he had been drinking just before the ceremony, I knew I was feeling way more than cold feet but didn’t know how to back out. He wasn’t Catholic at the time (another HUGE red flag that I missed) so I feel more responsible . . . and, guilty - like I should have known better.

And, since the divorce, I have also done my fair share of blaming – like my poor brother - he didn’t tell me about the pre-ceremony drinking until it was too late . . . and the priest who “prepared us” for marriage . . . and my family & friends for not telling me what they really thought of my ex until after the divorce . . . . . but I always come back to myself. . . I just should have known better. It feels like I’ve wasted 15 years of my life and now I’m alone with the incredible responsibility of being both mother and father to an innocent child. We need al the prayers we can get!

My dear, I know where you are speaking from. It has been almost 20 years since the divorce and 7 since the annullment, and I am still asking myself where I went wrong. I feel very foolish for all the years that I tried to keep the marriage together, since I knew by the end of the third year that it would never work. My mom keeps telling me what I am going to tell you: it was not a waste, because you have this beautiful little girl whom God gave to you. I have reared my three kids, and now have some wonderful grandchildren, so I know it wasn’t a total waste.

You will feel better as time goes by. It is very hard at first, because you feel like it is all your fault, but this will get better. Don’t let your friends and family rush you into any new relationships. Take it very slow, because you don’t want to get caught up in a “rebound” relationship. I will be praying for you and your daughter. Keep your chin up, and smile even when it is hard to.

 

[VivienneJ]

Thanks for your insight about the presumption – that takes a HUGE load off my mind!

Actually, prior to seeking an annulment, the marriage had to be legally ended through divorce. And I can assure you, no relations were taking place during our separation prior to divorce . . . at least not with me anyway . . . . .

If I may be so bold, will you please pray for my little one? She’s 5 and has lived without her dad for 3 years. With Father’s Day coming up, she has questions about where he is and why he doesn’t want to spend time with her that are really difficult to answer. She prays every night “for mommy’s new husband” so that she can have a daddy . . . . .

I don’t have any insights to offer on annulment, except that a loss is a loss, whether death, divorce or annulment and needs a proper period of mourning.

Where your daughter is concerned, a few thoughts. First, do you have a will, and have you appointed legal guardians. As single moms we do not want to think of the possibility that we die while our children are still young, but it is wise to make provision. My thought then is that you could possibly ask the “guardian-dad” if he could stand in to receive a card/gift on Father’s Day. Otherwise, does your daughter have a male godparent? Or a close relation? You mentioned your brother. Or even make it Grandfather’s Day in your family, if your father is still alive.

Prayers for you, for sure.

 

[AnotherChance]

My final declaration of nullity came through a couple of months ago. I definitely did not feel like celebrating. Like you, it was a long process of analyzing what went wrong and how I could have been as foolish as to enter a “fake” marriage in the first place. My former husband is in a New Age doomsday cult, and I am married again. My husband now is a lapsed Catholic.

As a lifelong Protestant, I never even considered joining the Catholic Church when I married my current husband because I assumed that it would be too difficult to get an annulment. I am going to talk to the priest today about what exactly I need to do to be able to join the Church and to see if I might be able to do it without waiting until Easter. So for me, the joyful part comes from finally having a chance to join the Church after almost two years of attending weekly Mass without taking the Eucharist.

But I can totally understand in your situation why you would resist your friends taking the usual secular pop culture position of running out and starting to date. To me it seems like a time to draw closer to God, because so much of the annulment process has to do with recognizing our sins. Before the annulment I had a tendency to blame most of the problems on my ex-husband, because I had not wanted the divorce and he basically chose his cult leader over his wife and children. But after having to answer the annulment questions, I realized how much of the responsibility that I bore for my own sins.

 

[Suslar]

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement and support!
I never in a million years thought I would be going through all of this or that I would be a single mom. It is truly the hardest job in the world and I ask our Blessed Mother to mold me so I am up to the task.

As for good male role models, my father passed a long time ago. Fortunately for us, there are three couples from Church who do not yet have grandchildren – so all of them have “adopted” my child as their granddaughter since her birth and spoil her rotten. She talks about how she is so lucky to have a bigger family than anyone else because of all the love and support we get from our Church family. I’m so grateful that she understands that family does come to us in lots of different ways!

She’s also adopted our parish priests . . . . . .she calls them “Uncle Father . . . . . . . .” And they are incredible role models for her. We are blessed that they are so kind. In fact, she gets the role of “neice” for a man who otherwise didn’t have one.

Yesterday, people were talking about how our human fathers teach us about God our Father and that little girls learn to trust because of the experience with their dad. I hope that as she grows, she comes to see that God gave her foster family — just like He gave St. Joseph to Jesus – to be there for her and show her the way.

I never speak about her dad in a negative way in front of her, and we do pray for him together. It’s so sad that he just doesn’t see all the joy and wonder that is in this little girl and has walked away from his responsibilities.

 

[Suslar]

Dear Peggy and Vivi,

Yes, I do have a will thanks to another generous woman like you who has “been there.” The attorney who drafted it for me wanted to be sure the child was protected. I have named my brother as guardian and then there are 5 more successor guardians just in case. Thank you for caring enough to ask about that. I am having a hard time imagining what would happen to my child if I weren’t here . . . .

Thanks too for helping me understand that any time that produced the beauty of a child cannot ever be a “waste” . . . .

 

[Suslar]

AnotherChance,

Welcome HOME! I’m so happy & excited for you!!
How wonderful that you continue to take healthy steps back to Jesus’ open arms!!
Good for you!!! You go girl!!! And message me if there is anything I can do to help you in your journey to full communion with the Church.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

The fact someone tried too long to make a bad marriage work is not an indictment of them at all. It shows how the situation COULD have worked if the other partner had at least TRIED maybe 10%.

You know what you’re willing to put into a relationship. Imagine having a spouse who wanted it that much too.

It takes a long time to heal from the betrayal and loss of a non-marriage. Don’t be too quick to run out and date. The kind of person you are now… what kind of man would you attract? Are you in damsel in distress mode? You will attract a rescuer… and some of them can be very controlling. Are you in Desperation mode? You will attract a very predatory kind of person. You want to be a whole, calm, independent person who puts her child first until the child is 18. Then you will attract a man who will respect that.

Your daughter needs you to focus on her right now. She doesn’t need the ups and downs of mommy’s social life. Just my two cents.

But there’s nothing wrong with you for not wanting to run out and date.

 

[Suslar]

. . . . Don’t be too quick to run out and date. The kind of person you are now… what kind of man would you attract?
Your daughter needs you to focus on her right now. She doesn’t need the ups and downs of mommy’s social life. Just my two cents.

But there’s nothing wrong with you for not wanting to run out and date.

I agree wholeheartedly! One of the sets of adopted grandparents gives me a a few precious hours to myself just about every Sunday afternoon - that would be the only time I’d have available to date. I will not let my daughter meet a man I date until the relationship is serious enough to mean marriage. I’ve watched too many other people parade men through their children’s lives and the kids don’t understand it - or worse, they think relationships are “supposed to” end. Right now, she needs stability and permanance.

Besides, without sounding too conceited (I’m really not), where would I find a man who is worthy of me??? If God wants to me find this man, then I hope God allows his path to cross mine at Church.

 

[AnotherChance]

AnotherChance,

Welcome HOME! I’m so happy & excited for you!!
How wonderful that you continue to take healthy steps back to Jesus’ open arms!!
Good for you!!! You go girl!!! And message me if there is anything I can do to help you in your journey to full communion with the Church.

Thank you so much for your support! The meeting I had with the priest went so well. He said that I didn’t have to wait to go through the formal RCIA classes, and that my husband and I and another lapsed Catholic will just meet a few times with him to go over our questions and so on. He was so encouraging and supportive. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for priests like him! The priest from a different parish who helped me with the annulment would always rush me out of his office and never seemed to have any time. After an hour of meeting with this new priest last week, I finally realized that he was waiting for me to end the meeting and that he would talk to me as long as I needed to.

I like what you wrote in a different post that you would wait for a man that was worthy of you. That is the attitude I am trying to instill in my teenage daughter. I never had that attitude myself when I was younger, so it is a bit challenging to guide her in a different path and to encourage her to accept only true courtship. So far, she is totally on the right path though, so I just pray that she will continue.

 

[mdgspencer]

People haven’t spoken about some of the issues raised by the opening poster. I got an annullment myself 20 years ago and didn’t feel guilty because I had been following my conscience, believing I had a valid marriage, and I didn’t feel that I was having sex outside of marriage or that my children were not legitimate. But I am not the opening poster, and thos probably doesn’t help.
I suggest because you have such issues, that you make an appointment with one of the priests on the marriage tribunal and bring up all the questions you have. You should find that other people he dealt with had the same questions.