Do parents need to know what mortal sins their children would confess?

[mkdl_v17]

What I think of the Sacrament of Confession is that it’s between the penitent and the Lord. Imagine, for example, a 30 year-old being asked by his dad what mortal sins he has committed when those sins are clearly included in the inviolable seal of confession.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Of course not! The only person the child needs to share their sins with is the priest, in confession. In fact, it could be bad to share your sins with someone outside confession.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

What I think of the Sacrament of Confession is that it’s between the penitent and the Lord. Imagine, for example, a 30 year-old being asked by his dad what mortal sins he has committed when those sins are clearly included in the inviolable seal of confession.

It should be noted that the seal of confession applies to the confessor (priest or bishop), not the penitent.

That said, the penitent is under no obligation to reveal anything in the confessional to his/her parents. And furthermore, the parent should not be asking about what was said in the confessional.

I think it is great if the parent and child can talk about such things privately, because it is indicative of strong family ties, but that is not always the case.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What I think of the Sacrament of Confession is that it’s between the penitent and the Lord. Imagine, for example, a 30 year-old being asked by his dad what mortal sins he has committed when those sins are clearly included in the inviolable seal of confession.

No, absolutely not. The father who would ask such a thing needs some intervention by his priest. It’s none of his business and nothing he should even WANT to know.



I would never ask either of my sons about their sins. That’s between them and God. If they needed some advice, depending on what it was, I might listen, but honestly, I’d rather they took their mortal sins straight to the confessional.

 

[PatriceA]

It should be noted that the seal of confession applies to the confessor (priest or bishop), not the penitent.

That said, the penitent is under no obligation to reveal anything in the confessional to his/her parents. And furthermore, the parent should not be asking about what was said in the confessional.

I think it is great if the parent and child can talk about such things privately, because it is indicative of strong family ties, but that is not always the case.

Perhaps when the child is a minor and the parent is still active in the faith formation of their children, but the OP used an example of a 30-year old adult child. There is a point where I think its just plain inappropriate for a parent to be asking their adult child what mortal sins they have committed.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

Perhaps when the child is a minor and the parent is still active in the faith formation of their children, but the OP used an example of a 30-year old adult child. There is a point where I think its just plain inappropriate for a parent to be asking their adult child what mortal sins they have committed.

No, not even then. No one should ever ask anyone about what they said in confession. Sometimes a penitent might decide to discuss it with someone else, but never should it be asked.

 

[thewanderer]

Perhaps when the child is a minor and the parent is still active in the faith formation of their children, but the OP used an example of a 30-year old adult child. There is a point where I think its just plain inappropriate for a parent to be asking their adult child what mortal sins they have committed.

I didn’t think he was saying that its good for the parents to ask… thats just weird and highly innapropriate, but rather, if the child brings it up to their prents to get advice about it that can be a good thing and an indication of close family ties.

 

[mkdl_v17]

What if the parent makes an excuse, saying “it’s my right as a parent”, then compels him to ask those sins, only to brandish his own punishments on the child (such as being grounded for years, as if the confessor’s penance was not enough!)

Would the parent be punished by Canon Law for taking the place of a confessor?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What if the parent makes an excuse, saying “it’s my right as a parent”, then compels him to ask those sins, only to brandish his own punishments on the child (such as being grounded for years, as if the confessor’s penance was not enough!)

Would the parent be punished by Canon Law for taking the place of a confessor?

The parent needs help. It is not within his rights as a parent, this is SACRED communication between the priest and the penitent. Please talk to your priest and explain the problem. I hope the priest will intervene. If this is a sibling or another child, please stand up for that person and tell the adult to stop this bullying. IT IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!

There aren’t any religious police to come and enforce Canon law, by the way. The priest should speak to this family and explain the sacrament thoroughly. Counseling would also be highly recommended, but probably someone who would be so intrusive would never cooperate with counseling.

 

[maryjk]

What if the parent makes an excuse, saying “it’s my right as a parent”, then compels him to ask those sins, only to brandish his own punishments on the child (such as being grounded for years, as if the confessor’s penance was not enough!)

Would the parent be punished by Canon Law for taking the place of a confessor?

Grounding a 30 year old? Because he won’t reveal what he said in Confession?

I’m not trying to be mean, but is the mental illness in the family? What would cause a parent to think they could “ground” an adult? Or even ask what was said in Confession?

 

[mkdl_v17]

I meant after the child has said all his sins to the parent and then the latter would impose the punishment.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I meant after the child has said all his sins to the parent and then the latter would impose the punishment.

You’re not 30 years old, are you?

Your father is a bully, or he’s got mental illness. You should NOT be confessing your sins to your father. Please speak to your priest about this ASAP.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Perhaps when the child is a minor and the parent is still active in the faith formation of their children…

I think it would be sending contradictory messages and actually impede the faith formation for a parent to ask even a minor child about what happens in the confessional.

How does one teach a minor child that the confessional has a binding seal, yet then ask about what the child did there? One emphasizes the sanctity of that trust by not asking, teaching that others shouldn’t ask, and that the child has no obligation to reveal anything that happened there. A parent is providing a poor example by asking a child at any age about what was actually said.

 

[EasterJoy]

Of course not! The only person the child needs to share their sins with is the priest, in confession. In fact, it could be bad to share your sins with someone outside confession.

Well, yes and no. It could be bad, but it also could be bad to be too secretive about our past wrongdoing. We have to ask ourselves: why is there a thing wrong with admitting to other people what my faults and temptations are? It depends on what I can expect to result from the disclosure, and there is not a single answer that fits all non-confessor listeners.

When you are a minor, your parents are your religious superiors. You don’t have to tell them all of your sins, not by any means, but you ought to be open about what your struggles are, so they can lead you on a safe path, just as you would if you were in a religious community. It is not about what they are entitled to know so much as it is about what it is in your best interest and the interest of your community for them to know. Sometimes hiding our sins is the very way we preserve our ability to keep committing them, after all! That is not something to cling to.

Even when you are older, the only “bad” person to tell about your sins is the one you will scandalize, the one who will harm you or others by their indiscretion with the information, the one who will use the information to shame you or attack you, or the one who will use the information as license to put themselves in the near occasion of sin. So yes, of course, we ought to consider whether a confidant is trustworthy or whether there is good to be gained by telling them our sins. Still, we shouldn’t be too fond of hiding what we’ve done. Knowing that we’ll have to disclose to our fellows what we’ve been up to has this way of making our consciences that much more circumspect.

In the example of the 30 yo, though, there are very few reasons to disclose sins to the father, not unless it is something that the 30 yo has been lying to his parents about, such as taking their money, lying about how he spends his time (instead of simply being discrete about it), or assuring them that he has been going to Mass when he hasn’t. Those are sins against the parents, and if he is really contrite and has a firm purpose of amendment, he will usually own up to them directly. The posters who suggested that this is something to talk with one’s confessor about were right on the money, because it depends so much on the situation.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, yes and no. It could be bad, but it also could be bad to be too secretive about our past wrongdoing. We have to ask ourselves: why is there a thing wrong with admitting to other people what my faults and temptations are? It depends on what I can expect to result from the disclosure, and there is not a single answer that fits all non-confessor listeners.

When you are a minor, your parents are your religious superiors. You don’t have to tell them all of your sins, not by any means, but you ought to be open about what your struggles are, so they can lead you on a safe path, just as you would if you were in a religious community. It is not about what they are entitled to know so much as it is about what it is in your best interest and the interest of your community for them to know. Sometimes hiding our sins is the very way we preserve our ability to keep committing them, after all! That is not something to cling to.

Even when you are older, the only “bad” person to tell about your sins is the one you will scandalize, the one who will harm you or others by their indiscretion with the information, the one who will use the information to shame you or attack you, or the one who will use the information as license to put themselves in the near occasion of sin. So yes, of course, we ought to consider whether a confidant is trustworthy or whether there is good to be gained by telling them our sins. Still, we shouldn’t be too fond of hiding what we’ve done. Knowing that we’ll have to disclose to our fellows what we’ve been up to has this way of making our consciences that much more circumspect.

You raise good points, however, they are distinct from respecting the sanctity of the confessional. There is a difference between opting to voluntarily share info with someone, and others inquiring about the specifics of a confession.

 

[EasterJoy]

You raise good points, however, they are distinct from respecting the sanctity of the confessional. There is a difference between opting to voluntarily share info with someone, and others inquiring about the specifics of a confession.

You are right that the parents should not ask about what is said in the confessional. I am only saying that there is a common misconception that we should not admit our sins to anyone except a priest. There is some truth to the warning not to freely share your history of wrong-doing with just anybody, but the idea that you can’t tell anyone is not quite right.

To clarify: The seal of confession does not preclude a penitent from telling anyone else what they confessed. No one ought to pry into it, but the penitent freely share anything they like about their confessions. Even a priest may talk about what kinds of things people have disclosed, provided he is very careful not to disclose anything that could be used to try to connect a specific confession to a particular person or persons. It is also unfair, I think, to disclose what your confessor says in confession, because he cannot defend himself from rumors that you start that way, because of the seal. It is OK to say, “some confessors say thus-and-so general thing and others will handle the same thing differently”, but don’t get any rumors started that the confessors couldn’t defend themselves from without breaking the seal. That wouldn’t be right.

 

[CallMeDad]

This just came up in my life. My 11 year old son asked that I take him to confession because he feared he may have committed a mortal sin. I readily agreed to do so - he is a great kid, and I was glad that he was attentive to his own conscience, and I told him so. I also told him I would not ask what the issue was, and we settled on a day that week to attend. I did tell him that it was doubtful that he had committed a mortal sin at his age because he was not yet of an age in which he could have full consent of the will. Maybe a little too deep for an 11 year old, but I wanted to ease his mind.

I later questioned myself about it, and wondered if he did not need more counsel from me than I had provided, as I had not asked him anything about the act that was bothering his conscience, and I did so purposely at the time, wishing to respect his confessional privacy. So I went back to him the next day and told him that I was not going to ask him about what he planned to confess, but that if he had anything he wished to discuss with me about whatever was bothering him, then I would be happy to talk with him.

We did go over the issue, and I was able to ease his mind.

I agree that the seal of confession need not inhibit a healthy discussion of right and wrong, even after the fact (i.e., after the wrong is committed). In my case, I reconsidered because of his age, and my doubt that he was yet capable of knowing what was a true mortal sin. However, at any age, I would not think that a past or potential confession should be an absolute barrier to a discussion of the issue. It is all about avoiding sin, and we could all use all of the help we can get.

 

[EasterJoy]

This just came up in my life. My 11 year old son asked that I take him to confession because he feared he may have committed a mortal sin. I readily agreed to do so - he is a great kid, and I was glad that he was attentive to his own conscience, and I told him so. I also told him I would not ask what the issue was, and we settled on a day that week to attend. I did tell him that it was doubtful that he had committed a mortal sin at his age because he was not yet of an age in which he could have full consent of the will. Maybe a little too deep for an 11 year old, but I wanted to ease his mind.

I later questioned myself about it, and wondered if he did not need more counsel from me than I had provided, as I had not asked him anything about the act that was bothering his conscience, and I did so purposely at the time, wishing to respect his confessional privacy. So I went back to him the next day and told him that I was not going to ask him about what he planned to confess, but that if he had anything he wished to discuss with me about whatever was bothering him, then I would be happy to talk with him.

We did go over the issue, and I was able to ease his mind.

I agree that the seal of confession need not inhibit a healthy discussion of right and wrong, even after the fact (i.e., after the wrong is committed). In my case, I reconsidered because of his age, and my doubt that he was yet capable of knowing what was a true mortal sin. However, at any age, I would not think that a past or potential confession should be an absolute barrier to a discussion of the issue. It is all about avoiding sin, and we could all use all of the help we can get.

You did the right thing by knowing he has the option of confessing to a priest without having to confess to you. It was also good, though, to let him know that he also has the option of letting you know what things concern him without you concluding that he has actually done any of it, and that if he lets you know what his sins are, that is allowed if he wants to do that, too. He should not fear that he’s not allowed to tell his sins to anyone except a priest, but just know that there is no substitute for confessing sacramentally to a priest.

 

[mkdl_v17]

You’re not 30 years old, are you?

Your father is a bully, or he’s got mental illness. You should NOT be confessing your sins to your father. Please speak to your priest about this ASAP.

I purposely used a fictional example as a matter of privacy.

 

[Kamaduck]

I purposely used a fictional example as a matter of privacy.

Your parents have no right to know. At all. This is between you and God. I would alert the priest and ask for guidance. And help, because if this is the situation, you’re going to need the help of an adult.