Do People still Date?

[EasterJoy]

Well, Naskor’s only response thus far has been to say that we should follow “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” but has refused to elaborate much on that when questioned, so it’s not exactly unreasonable to assume that he’s suggesting following the whole program rather than the common-sense points you’ve made above.

He said that “dating” as it is currently practiced is not leading to marriages. He’s absolutely right. People go from one exclusive relationship to another not only with no thought to marriage but with the active intention to avoid marriage. They stir up a marital affection in their partners and then withhold marriage from them, often stringing them along for years.

As I am reading him, he is only saying that it is better to cultivate healthy friendships and to reserve the “dating” part for the time when marriage is a real possibility that both parties are open to pursuing. That is what these guys are describing when they say they’re “giving up dating.” They’re simply having a broader social life until they meet someone mutually interested in a relationship that is going to go somewhere in the near future.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, Naskor’s only response thus far has been to say that we should follow “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” but has refused to elaborate much on that when questioned, so it’s not exactly unreasonable to assume that he’s suggesting following the whole program rather than the common-sense points you’ve made above.

Exactly.

Naskor hasn’t sketched out an actual program, but pointed to a book that a lot of people say is responsible for a lot of unnecessary singleness among young Christians.

(Apologies, as I haven’t actually read the book.)

Unfortunately, as fine as Harris’s plan sounds in theory, in practice, by the time his reader has built up that excellent Christian friendship with his lady friend, his lady friend is very likely to be no longer available to him. (Or vice versa for the female reader who is quietly laying her nets for Mr. Amazing Christian Guy.) The object of your affection may find someone else, move across the globe, whatever.

My concern is that Harris’s book encourages timid people to do what they were already doing–namely lurking around staring adoringly at the object of their affection doing nothing until it’s too late.

There’s a lot to be said for straightforwardness and being proactive.

I did basically what Harris suggests in college a few years before the book came out (we pretty much all did in the Protestant groups I was in at the time) and none of the nice Christian boys there ever asked me out. (A number of people who weren’t nice Christian boys did ask me out, so it wasn’t just me.) A couple years later, I went to a Catholic reading group, met a guy, broke all the Harris rules about friends first (we were engaged within three months of meeting), and was married to him almost within a school year.

Believe it or not, it’s quite possible to develop a friendship concurrently with a romance and to do it at a rapid clip. Obviously, there are risks, but there are many different ways to wind up happily married.

Another issue–Josh Harris was a whole whopping 23 years old when I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out.

 

[Xantippe]

I was just looking at the one star reviews at Amazon for I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It’s interesting reading.

One consistent observation in the reviews is that the book is fine for high school age (when a lot of kids need to be steered away from locking into a series of exclusive relationships with people they don’t know very well), but unhelpful for young adults (and less helpful the older you are).

 

[EasterJoy]

I was just looking at the one star reviews at Amazon for I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It’s interesting reading.

One consistent observation in the reviews is that the book is fine for high school age (when a lot of kids need to be steered away from locking into a series of exclusive relationships with people they don’t know very well), but unhelpful for young adults (and less helpful the older you are).

I would think this is a reasonable caution. What is a 17 year old couple going to do if they realize they want to marry three months after they catch each other’s eye? Get married within the year? Not these days. The support for married teens simply is not there: not financial, not social.

The problem comes, I think, when adults looking to marry don’t know how to start any contact at all with potential spouses. If you only go to work and to church and you won’t allow yourself to get interested in anyone at work as a marriage prospect and you are afraid to get interested in anyone at church at church as a marriage prospect, where is this hoped-for prospect going to come from? In what context are you going to become friends, if you don’t want to venture a courtship with someone your friends all know? You’re kind of stuck with finding someone on a date and then bringing them into your friendship and family circles to meet the people who mean the most to you, rather than choosing a potential spouse from among your close friends and taking the chance that it won’t work out.

Those who “don’t date,” meanwhile, have to realize that they’re going to be choosing to court someone know to a big chunk of their social circle. Maybe the courtship doesn’t work out. In that case, they’re going to have to live with the friend who doesn’t want to marry them or whom they don’t want to marry.

You can’t have it both ways. You have to take some risks in this life; there aren’t any “safe” routes.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

He said that “dating” as it is currently practiced is not leading to marriages. He’s absolutely right. People go from one exclusive relationship to another not only with no thought to marriage but with the active intention to avoid marriage. They stir up a marital affection in their partners and then withhold marriage from them, often stringing them along for years.

As I am reading him, he is only saying that it is better to cultivate healthy friendships and to reserve the “dating” part for the time when marriage is a real possibility that both parties are open to pursuing. That is what these guys are describing when they say they’re “giving up dating.” They’re simply having a broader social life until they meet someone mutually interested in a relationship that is going to go somewhere in the near future.

So he’s only going to date people who are interested in dating seriously? Sounds like a mature decision, but it isn’t a rejection of dating.

 

[Xantippe]

I would think this is a reasonable caution. What is a 17 year old couple going to do if they realize they want to marry three months after they catch each other’s eye? Get married within the year? Not these days. The support for married teens simply is not there: not financial, not social.

The problem comes, I think, when adults looking to marry don’t know how to start any contact at all with potential spouses. If you only go to work and to church and you won’t allow yourself to get interested in anyone at work as a marriage prospect and you are afraid to get interested in anyone at church at church as a marriage prospect, where is this hoped-for prospect going to come from? In what context are you going to become friends, if you don’t want to venture a courtship with someone your friends all know? You’re kind of stuck with finding someone on a date and then bringing them into your friendship and family circles to meet the people who mean the most to you, rather than choosing a potential spouse from among your close friends and taking the chance that it won’t work out.

Those who “don’t date,” meanwhile, have to realize that they’re going to be choosing to court someone know to a big chunk of their social circle. Maybe the courtship doesn’t work out. In that case, they’re going to have to live with the friend who doesn’t want to marry them or whom they don’t want to marry.

You can’t have it both ways. You have to take some risks in this life; there aren’t any “safe” routes.

Those are good points.

Also, being part of the same tight social circle may discourage the other person from taking a chance on seeing you. The closer you are platonically, the more miserable things will be if your romantic relationship doesn’t take off.

That perhaps also explains why there are so many CAFers that met their spouse via internet dating and why so few couples seem to have met at church.

 

[EasterJoy]

So he’s only going to date people who are interested in dating seriously? Sounds like a mature decision, but it isn’t a rejection of dating.

I think this whole thing is a reaction to “dating” as a road to nearly-instant intimacy with someone you barely know. How many times have you heard people discuss what is acceptable on a first, second or third date? First, second or* third*? They talk about being exclusive after three or four social outings. That’s pretty fast when it is not someone you and your friends already know. Sure, people sometimes find a lifelong partner fairly quickly, but experience asks for more caution than that. (There will be enough who throw caution to the wind, no matter what the commonly-held boundary is, after all! )

Still, yes, I hope they mean that they are rejecting the rush to intimate alliances that usually break up because they have no foundation, were given no thought or were based on a very shallow knowledge of the other person, or were entered into by people whose true desire is to avoid all paths leading to permanent commitment for the foreseeable future.

If they mean they have found someone they know well enough to believe could be a spouse and they can’t even trust themselves to stay chaste on public outings together, one has to wonder if they have the maturity to be faithful even after marriage.

 

[Heather914]

I am 46 and 25 years ago rarely did people date then. I think that with single young people living out on their own on no parents to make rules, singles can come and go as they please. And to a single Catholic woman, I admit, it makes it all the more easier to NOT date. And I actually like it that way.

I would feel tremendous pressure if a man pick me up and I HAD to get into HIS car. I would prefer to make my own way there and have the freedom to leave when I wanted.

I totally agree about it just being easier to be single in this day and age, especially for us women over 35, (I’m 36 fyi). The expectation is always “straight to the bedroom.” anguished sigh :dts:

However, I did remember dating still being a thing when I was in my teens…or maybe because guys did not have their own places yet, so they were forced to figure out some sort of activity to do OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

 

[chevalier]

I totally agree about it just being easier to be single in this day and age, especially for us women over 35, (I’m 36 fyi). The expectation is always “straight to the bedroom.” anguished sigh :dts:

However, I did remember dating still being a thing when I was in my teens…or maybe because guys did not have their own places yet, so they were forced to figure out some sort of activity to do OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

That was easier before Xbox showed up, yeah. On the other hand there are Pokemons now.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Well since I don’t go straight to the bedroom I haven’t had much of a dating life. The last one lasted one date then for moral reasons (he wasn’t open to life) I stopped seeing him. He was nice but with such a conflict of opinion on such a important issue I didn’t see the point. He was also agnostic. No Catholic guys are interested. Some people seem to day but agree more or less the bedroom is expected after one of two dates. I think though even if you are ok with that it seem crazy to jump into such intimacy so early but then again what do I know. Still single. I’m always straight up with the people right away where I stand though saves both people a lot of time.

 

[chevalier]

Well since I don’t go straight to the bedroom I haven’t had much of a dating life. The last one lasted one date then for moral reasons (he wasn’t open to life) I stopped seeing him. He was nice but with such a conflict of opinion on such a important issue I didn’t see the point. He was also agnostic. No Catholic guys are interested. Some people seem to day but agree more or less the bedroom is expected after one of two dates. I think though even if you are ok with that it seem crazy to jump into such intimacy so early but then again what do I know. Still single. I’m always straight up with the people right away where I stand though saves both people a lot of time.

You need to use bigger font on the application form, it seems.

 

[dansamp]

Today looks like a little odd dates. But i didnt live on other period to compare well. I literally cant find anyone or the people says that i am a kid (maybe because i dont look for defrading things| all womens that i liked or sayed it or had a boyfriend for a long term| Why is it that the type that I like (aesthetically) always has the same “adventurous” personality?). It is really odd that i even had a dream telling me to forget someone because isnt the correct one maybe because i failed and her didnt at one specific event.

 

[EasterJoy]

People who are waiting to have sex until after they’re married still go on dates, yes. If you want to spend time alone to have private conversations without too much temptation, you’re going to be having a good number of outings together in public places.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

People still date, but I’ve been single for a log time and in relationships beforehand, and dating has changed.

He or she may choose to not text you back (and they won’t pick up the phone if you call)

But, you may see them on social media like Facebook tagged somewhere with another person.

I’ve also noticed in a lot of young adult Catholic circles of a more conservative nature that many members will be quick to point out “Oh, I used to date him/her!..That’s my ex!” when a former beau enters the room.

To which I respond “How long did you date?”

Answers are usually “Oh, about 3-4 dates.”

I’ll usually respond with “That’s just ‘hanging out’ or ‘courting.’”

I think for those who are young and don’t have much dating experience, a “few dates” with someone is equal to a romantic battle scar to be proud of.

It’s not. It gets annoying as one grows older, or you’re in a place with a small dating pool.

If you’re single, want to have fun and be flirty and you’re between the ages of 22-27, don’t play games. That was ok in high school. If you didn’t date in high school, don’t date like a high-schooler would at your age.

If you find your date talks about everyone else except him/herself or even you while on a date, part as friends. This is a red flag that the person isn’t ripe for a steady relationship.

If you’re dating, and your gut says there’s no spark; listen to your gut. Don’t wait around and wait for things to get better; many couples do that, and the end of that relationship will occur. It’s usually obvious to one partner, and not the other.

If all you do is pick-out faults about the person you’re dating, then stop dating that person. You won’t perfect them.

If you immediately abandon your family and close friends for a new boyfriend/girlfriend and spend every waking moment shy of cohabitation with each other early-on, take a step back. Cool those jets; they were running too hot. Infatuation and passion are fun, but like perfume, can dissolve as quickly as it came. Talk to your friends and family, invite your date to meet them, host dinners, bring people together. You’re not going to be living attached at the hip, now or ever. That’s not how dating works; a replacement for loneliness or your best friend is not all found in your date. A man and a woman involved together need more interpersonal friendships beyond each other, unless they want to induce depression and madness later-on.
Your friends and family love you for a reason and ideally want to support you in good and bad times; don’t shut them out just because you’re dating someone.