Do priests have the right knowledege to counsel soon to be newlyweds?

[TarAshly]

hi all! just a quick qestion i have been curious about. what is your opinion on priests counseling soon to be wed couples, if they themselves have never been married? should it be a requirement to also meet with a sponsor couple, or is a priest alone enough? how did yall get prepped for marriage? i just wondered what everyones opinion on this is! thanks!

 

[theMutant]

You must remember that priests are trained for their duties. It is also likely that they have leared through the experience of talking with other couples about their issues and through the process of growing up and seeing his own parents and the couples around him. It is not necessary to have personally experienced something in order to understand it. That is a modern fallacy.

 

[space_ghost]

I would assume their counsel would be priceless…

 

[jmacclure]

Having gone through the process recently, I’d say that the priests do a wonderful job counseling soon to be married couples. That being said, some do a better job than others. If a couple doesn’t feel that they are getting what they need through premarital counseling with a priest they should discuss it with him and possibly get his recommendation for a well regarded married couple to discuss things further with the soon to be newlyweds. In some diocese, you may be required to attend an “engaged encounter” type of event where you would be meeting with other couples and priest.

 

[felra]

It dependes upon what counsel that you are looking for. Priests are human and have a diversity of personal experince and backgroud, which will determine the extent that they can offer relevent counsel to soon to be newlyweds. But they are minimally expected to be versed and comfortable in preparing the couple to enter into the sacramental reality of marriage and the related areas that need to be addressed for premarriage preparation (and, the more orthodox and holy the priest the better for the young couple in the immediate and long term future).

 

[SeekerJen]

I think it was helpful to speak with both a priest and married couples.

Our pastor has been a priest for 40 years, and he was able to bring a lot of experience to the table in dealing with engaged couples and all the red tape that needed to be handled for the Archdiocese. I wouldn’t consider him sheltered from that part of life- his parents had a long and happy marriage (and his mother still lives nearby) and his sister is married with grown children as well. I imagine he’s also seen it all when doing marriage prep with couples for 40 years.

We also had two required Archdiocesan pre-marriage programs to attend. The first was taught by the Catholic campus ministry director at a local college, a married man with four grown children. He was able to offer a humorous look at life “in the trenches”, and he was able to facilitate a lot of discussion about what we expected upon going into the marriage, what we thought might come up in future, and how we would deal with it. The second was an NFP overview taught by married couple with grown children, who gave a different but also helpful perspective on their situation: why they used NFP, what it was, and how it could help a couple grow in faith.

 

[otm]

TarAshly:

hi all! just a quick qestion i have been curious about. what is your opinion on priests counseling soon to be wed couples, if they themselves have never been married? should it be a requirement to also meet with a sponsor couple, or is a priest alone enough? how did yall get prepped for marriage? i just wondered what everyones opinion on this is! thanks!

The best answer is, “It depends.”.

Some priests couldn’t counsel their way out of a wet paper bag with a sharp chain saw.

Others are fantastic. Much depends on the individual priest, his background, his experience, his knowledge of, and ability to apply, counseling techniques, and the area(s) he is being expected to counsel about.

It would seem to make sense to have a team, priest and married couple. They should be able to compliment each other.

 

[Ghostgirl]

Well, you know the saying,“Those who can’t do, teach.”

 

[Veronica_Anne]

Ghostgirl:

Well, you know the saying,“Those who can’t do, teach.”

My goodness!

Priests take lifelong vows for their priestly vocation.

Married people take lifelong vows for their married vocation.

The sacrament of Holy Matrimony is MUCH more than “being married.” It is a COVENANT… not a simple “contract.”

Like the sacrament of Holy Orders, the sacrament of Holy Matrimony is a HOLY COVENANT… not a mere “contract.”

I’m pretty concerned about other married people giving me and my husband pre-marital counseling because who knows how good THEIR marriage REALLY is… what THEY’ve learned for what to do… what not to do, etc.

The priest has been given by the anointing he receives from the Holy Spirit the unique grace(s) to counsel people before they’re married.

Just because the priest is celibate doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have any idea of what the lifelong commitment to another in relationship means. Of COURSE he does.

My $0.05 duly deposited.

 

[Catholic4aReasn]

TarAshly:

hi all! just a quick qestion i have been curious about. what is your opinion on priests counseling soon to be wed couples, if they themselves have never been married? should it be a requirement to also meet with a sponsor couple, or is a priest alone enough? how did yall get prepped for marriage? i just wondered what everyones opinion on this is! thanks!

Hi TarAshly!!

My sister is a therapist who specializes in working with adolescent sexual abusers. She also counsels victims of sexual abuse. My sister has never been sexually abused herself, nor has she ever been a sexual abuser, but she been able to successfully counsel hundreds of kids.

I think if people are trained well they don’t have to necessarily have walked in the shoes of those they are counseling to be effective.

In Christ,
Nancy

 

[otm]

Catholic4aReasn:

Hi TarAshly!!

My sister is a therapist who specializes in working with adolescent sexual abusers. She also counsels victims of sexual abuse. My sister has never been sexually abused herself, nor has she ever been a sexual abuser, but she been able to successfully counsel hundreds of kids.

I think if people are trained well they don’t have to necessarily have walked in the shoes of those they are counseling to be effective.

In Christ,
Nancy

I would agree with you that they don’t have to walk in someone’s shoes to be effective. There is, however, an element that can be brought to the table; and this is someone who is effective whether or not they have “walked in the shoes”, coupled with having walked in those shoes.

I was an attorney and did divorce work for 12 years. Subsequently (and much to my dismay) I went through a divorce. It is interesting, talking with individuals who are having marital problems, what a difference that can make to their perception of what I say to them…

Would I say that premarital counseling is best done by a married couple? Not at all. But a team approach can bring much that either a couple alone, or a priest alone, might not be able to bring.

 

[otm]

Veronica Anne:

My goodness!

Priests take lifelong vows for their priestly vocation.

Married people take lifelong vows for their married vocation.

The sacrament of Holy Matrimony is MUCH more than “being married.” It is a COVENANT… not a simple “contract.”

Like the sacrament of Holy Orders, the sacrament of Holy Matrimony is a HOLY COVENANT… not a mere “contract.”

I’m pretty concerned about other married people giving me and my husband pre-marital counseling because who knows how good THEIR marriage REALLY is… what THEY’ve learned for what to do… what not to do, etc.

And by this logic, should you not also be concerned about the priest, because who knows how well he lives out his covenant, and what he has learned to do and not do…? Both the married couple and the priest receive God’s grace through their respective sacraments. I know of nothing that says a priest receives more grace… And I also know priests who have or have had lovers; some of the opposite sex, some not.
Veronica Anne:

The priest has been given by the anointing he receives from the Holy Spirit the unique grace(s) to counsel people before they’re married.

Just because the priest is celibate doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have any idea of what the lifelong commitment to another in relationship means. Of COURSE he does.

My $0.05 duly deposited.

I kind of have my doubts about any unique graces a priest receives to counsel people before (or after) they are married. Either I know a number of priests who didn’t receive those graces, or they said “Thank you very much but I have enough” and sent the graces back. I have met holy priests and flaming jerks; priests with a gift of insight, and priests who seemed totally blind to interactions.

I am old enough to remember two generations older that me; the older of the two would make a bee-line to the priest over anything they flet they needed advice on. The next older generation learened from their parents’ and relatives’ mistakes, and used the priest less. I approach priests with a certain amount of caution, having seen the wreckage which occured from priests just flatly incompetent to give advice. I have also met priests who are truly gifted - truly anointed. They are usually swamped.

Sorry if I seem a pessimist, but your comments about how good a marriage the couple has, and the “anointing” of priests strikes me as faith filled, but naieve.

 

[ichabod]

Just like married persons, priests come from varied backgounds and have varied experiences. They are qualified to talk about the theology and role of sexuality and marriage; not necessarily so about the details of married life.

Priests are trained in varying degrees about counselling, but I think their experience of being around families and married couples is what makes some shine above the rest. I’m sure that many don’t realize just how bad they are; wouldn’t it be nice to know that before seeking counsel.

Don’t fool yourself: secular counselors not based in the faith make just as many bad decisions as priests, if not more.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

TarAshly:

hi all! just a quick qestion i have been curious about. what is your opinion on priests counseling soon to be wed couples, if they themselves have never been married? should it be a requirement to also meet with a sponsor couple, or is a priest alone enough? how did yall get prepped for marriage? i just wondered what everyones opinion on this is! thanks!

You could flip that and ask if a married couple with experience with one marriage can offer as much as a priest who has heard it all from hundreds who knew he was the one person they could spill their guts to who would never ever tell. I think both have something to offer.

Our priest told us that no one who really knew what they were getting into would have the guts to leave the house, let alone get married. I think he was probably right!

You ought to get as much preparation as you can and then hang on tight, because you still probably won’t be ready. (And hey, if you think marriage is a shock, wait until you have kids!) Have some people to lean on, know how to lean on God, really ask around and make certain that you and your spouse-to-be are mature enough to do this, and then be ready to stick with your spouse even on the days when you don’t recognize them as the person you married and you wonder what on earth you were thinking. Those days pass, but how you handle them makes all the difference in the world.

 

[KCT]

He’s preparing you to receive a sacrament. Of course he’s qualified If you’re looking for concrete information about married life, find a sponsor couple. —KCT

 

[Mamamull]

Ghostgirl:

Well, you know the saying,“Those who can’t do, teach.”

Well, isn’t that nice?

The priest who counselled us is still a wonderful priest. He is my friend and confidant.

Your answer really does show just how little you know of the men who pass up typical marriage to elevate the concept marriage by becoming the spouse of the Body of Christ. They spend years learning counseling and theology and it does make a difference for many of them. Sure, not every priest is a good confessor or counselor, but they all have their place.

That is still probably drivel to you, but to those who have read some of the Theology of the Body – there is so much to understand and one can’t explain it easily. It is utterly wonderful and my priest prepared us pretty well. Of course, the biggest preparation for marriage is a committment from the bride and groom to make their marriage last. It is very vital to the life of a marriage. A priest told me that and I saw it in secular news the other day.

Marriage should be total, free and fertile – we are in a sense offering our selves – self-donation which is a reflection of the Eucharistic sacrifice. A priest knows more about the Eucharist sacrifice than the rest of us. He understands self-donation and showing love by continuing to serve even when common sense says that one shouldn’t.

But if you are an atheist you probably don’t understand our sacraments and want to just try to inject negative remarks.

 

[Jermosh]

It really depends on the Priest. They are all good at something better then others. But I think that a Priest combined with couple to couple workshops can be very powerfull. But in the end I think they can all be “able” to coach newlyweds, but the question of “should” can be seen in a differant light.

They just need to concentrate on the religous side of the covenent. Its the personnel and economy side that they could stumble on due to lack of experience.

 

[mjdonnelly]

As others have said, it depends on the priest.

I have had this discussion with a few priests in the past, and they don’t recieve alot of training in counseling.

If you wanted to be counseled by a priest, ask him if he feels comfortable doing it, and if not, who he knows that is a good counselor.

 

[martino]

I think that priests would likely be the best at this kind of counseling. Of course this wouldn’t be so 100% of the time, but practically speaking, who would have more understanding of the deep meaning of the sacrament, the vows and sacrifices required for a good marriage than a priest?

My priest made a humorous but very true remark during the homily of my wedding. He said, that our spouse will be the death of us!" He laughed when he said it and so did everyone else, but every married person in the room knew that it wasn’t just a funny joke. When we marry our spouse really is the death of us, because we die to ourselves everyday, sacrificing all that we have for each other! It was actually a very profound moment for those who were paying attention!

By the way, he has never been married!

 

[kmktexas]

If I had to chose between a priest who had formal training in counseling (which is a required part of priestly formation) and had couselled hundreds or even dozens of couples before and after marriage OR a sponsor couple who had some diocisan training (if you are lucky), may or may not have beliefs in line with TOB and who have experience with one marriage – I chose the priest.

A team approach would of course be ideal and I like the idea of the married couple doing the NFP training.