Do SAHMs really have to do all the housework?

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Xantippe

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Here’s a piece from Sheila Wray Gregoire on how to be fair about splitting chores:

tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2015/10/splitting-household-chores/#comments

I’ll pull some quotes and make some comments.

“When my kids were about 3 and 5 I was involved in a small group at church with a bunch of other couples with young kids. One night we went over to one couple’s house for dessert. The house was spotless. Flowers everywhere; magazines fanned on the coffee table; toys in lovely wicker baskets in the corner of the living room.
My home NEVER looked like that. I was despondent on the drive home, and then my husband reminded me: both parents work. They leave the house at 7:15 and drop the kids in day care, and get home at 6:00. The kids are in bed by 7:30. They don’t have time to mess up the house because they’re very rarely there!”

“So let’s talk work week. Let’s say your husband works 50 hours a week. Then you should really work 50 hours a week, too. And what counts as work? Any time you’re doing something that contributes to the family as a whole. If go on Facebook for an hour while the kids nap, that’s not work. But taking them to the library, mopping the floors, fixing dinner–that’s work. If you had an hour and a half to yourself today during the day, then it really is okay to let him sit on his butt for an hour and a half in the evening while you make dinner and clean up. Don’t resent him for that.”

I have to note here that many parts of the internet sizzle with activity during the 9-5 hours and go quiet in the evening, on the weekend, and during holidays. Obviously, not everybody who works in an office with a computer is on task 100% of the time.

“But if you spend the entire evening working, and he really does nothing, then it’s time to have that talk about how long your work days are and what you can do to even it out a bit. Again, don’t measure minutes–you’ll only end up in fights and it will be hurtful. But saying, “I need an hour of downtime at night, away from the kids, while you clean up dinner and give bath time” is perfectly reasonable.”

“My husband has always worked long hours, and quite frankly, when he was home I didn’t want him cleaning. I wanted to goof off with him and have fun with the kids! So my goal was always to see how much I could get done on my own, during the day, so that he wouldn’t have to do stuff at night–because then I wouldn’t have to do stuff, either!”

A good theory–but these days a lot of people find themselves permanently tethered to work via email and phone. So, how do you draw the line?

“If your husband just will not help with anything, and you really are run off your feet, then may I suggest that you take one evening a week and say, “I’m going to take this for myself, and you can put the kids to bed”? Go to a woman’s Bible study. Take a craft evening class at a community college (ours offers quilting, cooking, painting, and more). Or take another course–like computers, investing, pilates. Do something that gets you out of the house for two hours a week. Besides, your husband needs to watch the kids and develop his own relationship with them.
I really don’t believe that there is “his work” or “her work”. But I do believe in two big principles:
Both spouses should be contributing to the family at roughly equal amounts;
Both spouses should have their own relationship with the kids”

Amen to that.

Some more thoughts in a bit.
 
This is one of the classics in those “every couple does this their own way” questions.
 
My mom used to work at a Post Office
and my dad was a teacher and got home
about an hour before she did. He made
sure that there was supper cooked for
her by the time he picked her up from
work. I pitched in w/ washing the dishes
after supper so that she would have
a break.
 
My husband took over bath and bed when I was working evenings. When I quit that job, we continued that arrangement and it is so nice. I can actually get dinner cleaned up to my satisfaction and after the kids are in bed, we can usually relax.

(That’s the other thing, too - when DH took over certain things I had to accept that they were going to be done his way and not mine. Right now DH is doing most everything because I’m supposed to be recovering, and that’s always hard for me because we prioritize differently.)
 
pensmama87 said:
My husband took over bath and bed when I was working evenings. When I quit that job, we continued that arrangement and it is so nice. I can actually get dinner cleaned up to my satisfaction and after the kids are in bed, we can usually relax.

(That’s the other thing, too - when DH took over certain things I had to accept that they were going to be done his way and not mine. Right now DH is doing most everything because I’m supposed to be recovering, and that’s always hard for me because we prioritize differently.)
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Years ago, my husband took over the dishes when I was so pregnant I couldn’t reach the sink. (True story.) He’s still got them.

With my last pregnancy, I had bedrest and then physical restrictions, so he had to take over the laundry for six months (with help from the kids). He did a fabulous job keeping up with it, although I have to note that he turned 90% of our whites grey, as husband does not believe in sorting by color.
 
I do inside-the-house stuff plus wrangling the kids. He does outside-the-house-stuff plus handyman-type things inside. It works well for us.
 
Xantippe said:
Years ago, my husband took over the dishes when I was so pregnant I couldn’t reach the sink. (True story.) He’s still got them.

With my last pregnancy, I had bedrest and then physical restrictions, so he had to take over the laundry for six months (with help from the kids). He did a fabulous job keeping up with it, although I have to note that he turned 90% of our whites grey, as husband does not believe in sorting by color.
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I don’t sort by color either - everything gets put in together on cold (except diapers). But we actually don’t own very many whites, so it works out fine. 😉

The laundry is the thing I am trying hard to let go of right now - I am a “get it all done and out of the way” person, and DH is a “I’ll move it when I need to” - he’d prefer to pick socks and such out of the dryer than just fold it. It drives me batty, but then again baby and I are just living in our PJs and it’s not like I have to impress anybody, so I’m trying hard to keep my mouth shut. 😛
 
The first thing I learned is that if you accept the theory that your spouse has a responsibility to do some particular work around the house, you have to accept the corollary that they have the authority to decide how to do it. If you have to have your towels folded a certain way, expect that you’ll be doing that yourself, Little Red Hen.
 
EasterJoy said:
The first thing I learned is that if you accept the theory that your spouse has a responsibility to do some particular work around the house, you have to accept the corollary that they have the authority to decide how to do it. If you have to have your towels folded a certain way, expect that you’ll be doing that yourself, Little Red Hen.
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In my moments where I really feel a need to have something done in a very specific way, I will say to my family that I am going to “go all Little Red Hen on y’all and do it myself!” I think the self-deprecating humor diffuses any offense I might accidentally cause by taking over a responsibility in that moment. But for the most part, I just let them get on with it. And definitely let them show off their work and earn some praise. They are typically quite agreeable to slight course adjustments since they are so used to my gratitude and acceptance of their efforts. Over time, their own skill has improved and while their style is different than my own, the job gets done very nicely. But I always reserve my trump card of Little Red Hen for crisis or stressful moments.

This has worked well with my husband, too. I have needed to teach him how to do a lot of domestic things, because he was never taught, but I did not want to set myself up like I was his mother. So making fun of my own need (or legitimate objective need) for something do be done in a certain way has helped me to make him laugh and not be offended, and so when I try to show him how to do something, he doesn’t have this huge backlog of issues where I acted superior and offensive weighing down our current conversation. He is eager to help with anything if I simply state my need and let him get on with it in his own way.
 
For what it’s worth, and most posters here know this, my husband works crazy hours and has been on unemployment in between.

When it comes to housework…we do what we can when we can. Truth be told, I do a vast majority of the household chores.

I clean the house and I enjoy it. I like living in a clean and organized house with swept floors, made beds and not too much clutter.

It throws me off when I can’t clean…these past few months have been driving me nuts!

I do most of the cleaning and the kid wrangling because…despite school and classes a couple of times a week…I am a SAHM and have been so for the vast majority of our marriage.

Despite this my husband does his fair share.

He is responsible for anything outdoors and all handyman work.

He also is an outstanding cook and will cook awesome meals on his nights off.

We also switch off some nights with bath time and dishes.
 
Well I’m a SAHW and I only do the housework as I’m physically able. If I’m not, he pitches in for all the necessities (cooking, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dog care.) Even when I’m having a period of decent physical health he doesnt expect to come home to a three course meal or an immaculate home. He will often do chores without even being asked. One thing I’ve had to learn though is to not be picky HOW he gets them done, and just be thankful for his taking care of me and the home.
 
For the most part, I do. But I do consider when he is at work for 40 or so hours, I am the sole homekeeper, babysitter, cook, etc. When he is home, I think we should split it 50/50. As if we both work during the day, and are both parents and homeowners at night. That isn’t how it works though it’s usually 70/30 me/him, and I’m okay with that. Partly I just am better at it (I can load the dishwasher faster and better, because I do it every day!) and partly just because I know work is hard.

We are really still learning out balance too, I’ve only been a SAHM since shortly before the birth of our second child, so I jumped right in with two kids instead of learning with one. We both worked outside the home then, and I agree the house stayed SOOOOO much nicer when no one was home all day!
 
I don’t think that SAHMs should have to do all the housework. When I am hope, I really only have time to get chores done when my daughter is napping. The rest of the time we spend learning, playing, and just taking care of basic needs like eating, dressing, and hygiene. I have to do most of the housework when my husband gets home. He usually helps with dishes and the floors and he always does the trash and yardwork. I generally do the cleaning of the social areas of the house and the laundry as well as make dinner.
 
I do everything. House, yard, autos, finances…everything but bring home a paycheck. He earns 100% of the money working long hours, so I do 100% of everything else.

Do I have to? No. But I would feel terrible asking DH to do household chores after a 10 to 12 hour work day.

Besides, I have learned so much! Auto repair, plumbing, light electrical, window replacement…I have developed mad skillz!😃
 
I don’t think the SAH parent should do all the housework because that is the way I grew up. Mom homeschooled us and took care of laundry, vacuuming, cooking etc, but every evening when Dad came home he would take over dinner cleanup and getting us kids to help with that so Mom could do other things, like lesson plans. And every weekend, Dad helped with the Saturday cleaning. I don’t think I can ever remember my mom moping the floor, that was always something Dad did at the end of dinner cleanup if it was needed.

My DH on the other hand grew up in a family where the women did everything inside the home and the men took care of everything outdoors. Of course, his dad worked a full time job and also farmed a few acres and they canned most of their food so there was little down time for anyone.

This difference in our backgrounds has led to a few frustrations in our marriage, first when we both worked full time and he expected me to handle all the housework while he spent his time on computer projects (granted, I’ve had decades more practice at all kids of housework so I’m much faster than him and I could still get some downtime) and again now that he is a SAH Dad and I work full time. He feels under enormous pressure to care for and play with our three kids, homeschool the oldest, and still get all the housework done and supper on the table before I walk in the door each evening. Anytime I jump in and do something that I can see needs to be done, he feels that I don’t approve of how he is doing things, but I’m just trying to pitch in like my dad always did.

I guess I’m just trying to say it depends on the family situation and it is something that can change based on circumstances.
 
I am a SAHD and I do all the housework inside and out including the cars. It is not really that much if you keep on it. Occasionally my wife surprises me by a good deep clean to catch me up if I fall behind say in the kitchen. But for the most part it is all me and I kinda don’t mind. I know that I like the laundry done a certain way, and the dishes done a certain way and the lawn mowed in a certain pattern. So I like to do it myself…
 
I was a SAHM for 13 years. I loved it and did do all the housework/cooking/cleaning,bill paying, ect-however my husband was an over the road truck driver so he worked so many hours to keep us home that I never asked him to help, as he was exhausted after a long trucking day. However he still did do all the yard work, snow removal, ect.
Due to financial reasons I went back to work part time in 2006 and have been working a lot more hours now my husband is retired so, yes, he is expected to help and he does(LOL) I had my sons help, too.
I did tell him that if I was expected to work outside the home I would expect help in the keeping of the home, expecially if I have to work full time and he accepted that and does help.
 
EasterJoy said:
This is one of the classics in those “every couple does this their own way” questions.
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Agreed.

My experience: When our three kids were young my wife wife was a SAHM. I was working 60 - 70 hour weeks…3/4 of it on my feet, the other 1/4 buried under paperwork. Extremely stressful, life and death decision stuff. This went on for about 12 years. During that time, to be honest, I probably didn’t wash a single dish, sweep a single floor, or mow a single blade of grass. Was it fair that she had to do it all? I don’t know. Being a SAHM can be a tough gig, and I appreciate that she was willing to do it. But my gig was tougher…way tougher. If I got home at 7:00AM to discover that she expected me to mop the kitchen floor, well, it would have been ugly.

Fast forward to today, my hours are way fewer and much less stressful. The youngest kid is in high school, my wife now works part-time (because she wants to) and I cheerfully do my share of the housework. Maybe even more than my share. She deserves a break.

So to answer the OP’s question, it just depends on the situation.
 
Mowing the lawn and weedeating by herself with a bunch of small children around?

Ay yay yay! That sounds very dangerous.
WillyAL said:
Agreed.

My experience: When our three kids were young my wife wife was a SAHM. I was working 60 - 70 hour weeks…3/4 of it on my feet, the other 1/4 buried under paperwork. Extremely stressful, life and death decision stuff. This went on for about 12 years. During that time, to be honest, I probably didn’t wash a single dish, sweep a single floor, or mow a single blade of grass. Was it fair that she had to do it all? I don’t know. Being a SAHM can be a tough gig, and I appreciate that she was willing to do it. But my gig was tougher…way tougher. If I got home at 7:00AM to discover that she expected me to mop the kitchen floor, well, it would have been ugly.

Fast forward to today, my hours are way fewer and much less stressful. The youngest kid is in high school, my wife now works part-time (because she wants to) and I cheerfully do my share of the housework. Maybe even more than my share. She deserves a break.

So to answer the OP’s question, it just depends on the situation.
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