Interesting topic!
I too fought in VietNam… and yes, killed others.
In the process of ‘the heat of battle’ self-defense and survival takes over… and it is either that or don’t try to survive and commit suicide.
Although when returning home, not all liked me with the condition of the war protests going on here… my family and friends did. However, my girl friend (who stayed true to me) after getting back together for a few months said I had changed… how could I not after going through that, front-line and first hand, even having a hand in it. My folks noticed it too… and so did I, but did not know what to do or really what was wrong… that uneasy feeling. Could of been PTS… but even more then that, there was no way to rectify what I had done to those other fellow humans who went back to there loved ones in body-bags (the enemy was just like we were… both of us were from another country, doing our countries bidding, in a country that belonged to others). What were we doing there? Was it self-defense? Was it obedience to the country I lived in? Was it that the homeland people couldn’t defend themselves? Was it an oil rich land we wanted to ease our drive back home? Was it Communism like we were told up front? Was it helping a fellow human friend? In any case, it was war!
The uneasy feeling still hasn’t left me, but is softer and not as harsh on me now, 40 years later. Just so you know, confession did not help with this, although every Priest I talked with, has thanked me for my service, and said I did nothing wrong… why don’t I feel like that then. I know what your dad was going through… what can help with this if the church seems ineffective? If your girl friend leaves you because she can’t handle the change in you? If your parents try to listen, but turn away in horror of what went on in disbelief? If other soldiers who are going through it are up to their necks in water trying to stay afloat to help you who are doing the same (again, survival… only back home, in the land of the free). The only psychologists to talk with were ‘interns’ trying to learn what this thing was, this PTS without a name yet. Help had to come from ‘within’ as it sure didn’t have answers from ‘without’.
Most things one does in life can be amended, even sins. Confession sets one right with God, but the amends are still to be made. But the taking of a life cannot be made… how does one give it back to the grieving? Why was he intent on killing me, that I had to kill him? No one wins!!!
Back home here, I see a Cop sometimes put in this circumstance… It is not as massive as a full out war, but it amounts to the same thing. Now, those ‘intern’ psychologists have a few answers, some good and some not so good, but at least they know more about it and try to listen and help settle it down. You can thank the Korean and Vietnam Vets for that learned knowledge now in use… we were the ‘experiments’.
When you talk with your dad, say Hi, and Thanks from me…