Do we attend or send gifts for upcoming invalid weddings?

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When my adult child decided to marry outside of the Church, they came to us and made us aware of it. We all went out to lunch together the day after their civil wedding. We all respect each other, so, they did not expect us to attend and we all love each other. I’d hate to think that we are the only family out there who would not expect the other to violate their religious beliefs.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Why is that?
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Because aside from having children, my wedding was the biggest and most important day in my life. If a family member wasn’t able to put aside their judgement to come to my wedding, I wouldn’t want a gift from them commemorating the ceremony they couldn’t bring themselves to attend. Every time I thought of the gift, I would think of them and the way they behaved.

I have to let you know this actually happened to me. I have been married for 30 years now, and the couple who refused to come has long since divorced.
 
Tulitas said:
Are you fond of these people?

There’s your answer
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I like them. I don’t know them super well, though. They are my husband’s family, and we have been married just a couple of years.

I’m not too worried about it anymore, though. We might go, or if we don’t, we will send a nice card and gift.
 
QwertyGirl said:
Because aside from having children, my wedding was the biggest and most important day in my life. If a family member wasn’t able to put aside their judgement to come to my wedding, I wouldn’t want a gift from them commemorating the ceremony they couldn’t bring themselves to attend. Every time I thought of the gift, I would think of them and the way they behaved.
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It’s not about judgment, though, at least in our case. It is just awkward that people we know to be Catholic are getting married outside the Church, which causes a bit of a dilemma because it will almost certainly be an invalid marriage from the Church’s point of view. Which in turn made me wonder if we are supposed to attend this type of wedding.

But if elect not to attend (we have not decided yet), we are not going to make a big deal of it; we will just send our regrets and send a card and gift.

Again, I don’t judge them; I don’t know what their upbringing in the Faith was like, and I can understand why people choose not to be married in the Church if it is not currently an important part of their lives (although I think they are missing out and I hope they return). But it still causes a small moral quandary about attending: Does that make sense?
 
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That’s good. One can’t expect people to see it from our religious point of view by not acting with mercy. There’s a good chance they don’t know any better, take the opportunity to be kind. The Holy Spirit will handle the rest. If they were co-workers that you didn’t know well, you’d send them a gift and best wishes, Do no less for family.
God bless you!!!
 
EnglishTeacher said:
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Tulitas:
Are you fond of these people?

There’s your answer
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I like them. I don’t know them super well, though. They are my husband’s family, and we have been married just a couple of years.

I’m not too worried about it anymore, though. We might go, or if we don’t, we will send a nice card and gift.
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If it’s his family, is he close with them…close enough that it would be noticed you (collective) wouldn’t be there?
 
Why does everyone think they owe an explanation of why they can’t or won’t go?
Not everyone I know goes to everything they are invited to, and no one makes a big issue of it.
 
My brother remarried a year ago; he is divorced from his first wife, no annulment. He remarried a divorced Lutheran woman in a Lutheran ceremony. My husband, son and I did not attend. We explained why we were not going to attend and that we would continue to pray for him that he would return to the Faith. My nieces were bridesmaids in the wedding, which also was unfortunate to the development of their Faith. My brother and I are still in contact with each other albeit less than before. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But there are times we have to stand for the Faith and do things that we know in our heart is the right thing to do, even if it is incredibly difficult.
 
Regarding Qwerty Girl’s hurt feelings concerning someone refusing to attend her secular wedding, this shows a surprising lack of maturity for someone who claims to be married for 30 years! You are entitled to your belief that someone was “wrong” to not attend your wedding. But they are also entitled to their beliefs that it may have caused a scandal in their family to attend your wedding. You have to respect the feelings and legitimate religious beliefs of this guest who made the decision that was correct for them.
I am faced with the same situation of having to attend the wedding of a close relative who isn’t marrying in church. In my case, I feel that for family harmony it would be best to attend, give a gift and pray that they get their marriage convalidated some day. But I really don’t like the situation at all and wish they would just do the right thing which is marry in church!! They know better too, K-12 Catholic school education! But this couple isn’t considering how it might upset others. Qwerty Girl did it ever occur to you that YOU were inconsiderate?
 
Would you really, as a catholic, expect someone to stand up in a catholic church and take vows they had no intention of fulfilling, just to keep from upsetting the Catholics in the family? Why couldn’t I fulfill Catholic vows? Because the Church’s teachings on marriage are in complete opposition to my value system. I stand for something. I have integrity. And I don’t promise to do things I have no intention of doing.

Yes, feelings were hurt. Why? Because rejecting someone else’s marriage is hurtful, especially when it is supposed to be someone you love. It is wrong to assume everybody believes the same things. Now, of course, you can believe as a Catholic you aren’t supposed to go to such a wedding. And it isn’t my place to tell you to believe differently. I didn’t tell the people who didn’t come to my wedding they should believe differently. However, actions have consequences. And if you make judgements about what other people should do regarding the personal decision of how they marry, you can expect consequences. A normal consequence is hurt feelings.

Yes, I have been married 30 years. And yes, I have forgiven the people who treated me this way. I forgave them before the wedding even happened. They never said they were sorry, because I assume they weren’t. Life goes on.

And just to share, one of the reasons (at the time) it was so hurtful was because I towed the line in the Catholic family I was raised in, even as an adult. I would join the family at mass even though I didn’t believe in it. I attended the weddings and baptisms of others, in the Catholic Church. I celebrated the religious holidays. They knew I had removed myself from the Church, but that I still made these sacrifices to demonstrate the value I placed on family and doing these things together when it was important to them. So yes, feelings were hurt when the good will wasn’t returned on my wedding day.
 
I am sorry that happened to you Qwerty. It just goes to show how deeply we hurt one another sometimes whether we choose to hurt them or not, and how sometimes the hurt goes on for a really long time.
 
Thank you Irishmom. The experience didn’t break my stride. I married a gem of a man, and I have a beautiful family with him now. I was able to put aside my hurt and I still love my family of origin. They are so very important to me. I believe that oftentimes there are more than one solution to a problem and we owe it to each other to explore them. It could alleviate a lot of heartache.
 
Qwertygirl, you may have forgiven but you certainly haven’t forgotten. I didn’t mean to upset you. Yes, your free will gave you the option of having a wedding ceremony of your choice. Your guests who refused to come obviously hurt you deeply but they had free will also and made the decision that was best for them. In responding to you, I was under the assumption that you were a fully practicing Catholic since this is a Catholic site. Just remember that faith comes before understanding. God bless
 
Demetra said:
Just remember that faith comes before understanding.
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I have no idea how this applies to the situation being discussed. Anyhow, there is no upset here for me. Forgotten? Certainly not. When I think of my wedding, I remember the upset that was caused. It was, unfortunately an integral part of the day. But I honestly don’t hold a grudge in any way.

Truthfully, I feel sorry for those who wouldn’t come. They subscribed, at the time, to such a rigid set of beliefs that (as you said) they had to do what was best for them instead of thinking of other people for whom their actions had a negative impact. They don’t seem to think that way anymore. I guess the failure of their own marriage may have provided some clarity they didn’t have at the time.

Forgiven, definitely.
 
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Thirty years ago, your guests may have received advice from a priest that they shouldn’t attend. But for whatever reason, I think that since they hurt you so deeply it was the wrong decision. I think that today we have to take a softer approach. I’m attending my relatives’s wedding because I love her and I don’t want her to have bad feelings about her own Catholic faith. I feel that not attending would push her even further away. But I’m disappointed because she knows better. Brides can be very self-centered. But if there are guests who don’t attend she has to take her lumps and be understanding and respectful of their decision. You do too.
 
Good for you and deciding to go. I think that is the right decision, especially for the reasons you noted. When you use phrases like “she should know better” , those are shaming phrases and you should avoid them if you want to maintain a good relationship with the married couple. For whatever reason, they have decided differently. They are adults. I suggest respecting the fact that they can make decisions about what they believe just as you have made decisions about what you believe. As always, actions have consequences for everyone. It does go both ways. Again, I ask, would you like them to stand up in a Catholic church and take vows that they have no intention of fulfilling, just to please the Catholics in the crowd? It is likely their values don’t align with the Catholic church and their personal integrity wont allow them to do that. That is a good thing. It is their vows, not those of their guests.

Just my unsolicited advice on how to maintain healthy relationships.
 
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Qwerty girl, thanks for your response. I would never try to shame them by saying directly that they should know better. But in this case they do know better! They have knowledge but not faith. At this point in time they have either rejected what they used to believe or perhaps never really embraced our awesome faith. But God can work with them and my hope is that while they shun the graces and blessings of a Catholic wedding that someday that their faith will be reignited. God is patient and loving and and we should be too. I will be praying for this couple and others.
 
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