Do we condone her marriage?

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ralvarado08

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This could be quite lengthy, but I feel a little background is necessary. My wife and I were married in the Catholic Church in 2004 after she converted to Catholicism. Along with her, her three daughters ages 11, 9 and 6 at the time were brought into the Church on Easter 2004. We began to rear them in the Catholic Faith. A little more than year later, at 13, the oldest girl (OG) decided to move in with her father, who is extremely anti-Catholic and while we tried to keep the Faith with her on our weekends, she never got confirmed because she refused to continue with studies. OG got pregnant in 2010 and begged us to let her move back in with us because she had seen the “error of her ways.” We did and when she turned 18 in August, she decided she didn’t want to abide by our rules anymore and told everyone we kicked her out while she was 4 mos. pregnant. This was, of course, right after we had returned from a 10 day vacation in which she went along. Baby was born in January 2011 and again OG begged to move in because she didn’t have a place to go. My wife and I felt sorry for our grandson and we said yes. In October OG left for New Mexico with a friend (female) telling her we had kicked her out of the house. OG left our grandson with us. Now OG tells us that she is ready to pick him up and she is getting married to a young man she met in late October. We met him over Christmas. While he is in the Air Force, my wife and I have many concerns about his drinking and violent tendencies, but she’s “in love” and she tells us our concerns are unfounded. My wife recognizes many traits in him from her ex because he used to beat her while they were married.

Now my question, how supportive should we be regarding the marriage? She of course cannot marry in the Church as she is not yet confirmed. They plan to marry in front of a JP as quickly as possible. She says, “this is so she can get on his military health insurance plan.” We have asked her to wait. She is still on our health insurance plan so that is not a good reason. We want to be supportive parents, but as Catholics we know this is wrong. They have been cohabitating as well. Help!!!
 
If neither of them are Catholic and neither have been previously married it is a valid marriage.
 
ralvarado08 said:
She of course cannot marry in the Church as she is not yet confirmed.
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While I’m not 100% sure - and there are forum members who can speak to this much better than I can - I don’t think Confirmation is a requirement for marriage.

Regradless, check with your priest to see how she and her fiance can be married in the Church. Were this my child this is how I would be focusing my energies.

Luna
 
I see a lot of red flags that could affect the validity of the marriage independently from the JP. I would keep making a strong case against it because your concern for her well being and the child well being, be very honest in stating that your concerns are not unfounded. I would not say no to the marriage but I would encourage a delay until everybody is clear of what it is about. In the meantime I would suggest that you take everybody to family counseling.
 
While it is not the norm for a non-Confirmed Catholic to be married, it can happen. They might need to petition the Bishop (which would be similar to the case if her fiance were non-Catholic) but it can be done. The couple would have to attend the regular marriage prep, of course.

In any case, you can probably attend the wedding. She is an adult and responsible for herself.

I am more concerned about your grandson. His mother seems to regard him as a plaything to take and leave wherever she wants. That is not a stable situation for him at all.

I’ll pray for the situation.
 
She is clearly making a major mistake. She’s not nearly mature enough to get married at this point. I wouldn’t support her getting married at all. She needs to do this apart from your blessing! Sorry, if that sounds harsh, but this venture is headed for failure even before it gets off the ground. Better you distance yourself from the situation so that later, when/if she matures, she can come back to you without the added shame of feeling like she duped you once again.

P.S. - Confirmation is not a requirement for Matrimony.
 
Thank you all for your words of advice.

To Christiano – We have been in family counseling for about 5 years now trying to deal with the issues caused by the bio-dad. The OG never attended though as she moved out and we have asked her to join us, but refuses up to now. She says she doesn’t need it. With her in New Mexico though, kind of hard to force the situation.

We too are mostly concerced for our grandson, as we are his Godparents as well. While he has been with us, we have taken him to Church since a newborn and has always been very well behaved. He loves the choirs.

My personal concerns with her wanting to be on his health insurance plan is that she may be pregnant again and that is the real reason for a rushed marriage.
 
ralvarado08 said:
Thank you all for your words of advice.

To Christiano – We have been in family counseling for about 5 years now trying to deal with the issues caused by the bio-dad. The OG never attended though as she moved out and we have asked her to join us, but refuses up to now. She says she doesn’t need it. With her in New Mexico though, kind of hard to force the situation.

We too are mostly concerced for our grandson, as we are his Godparents as well. While he has been with us, we have taken him to Church since a newborn and has always been very well behaved. He loves the choirs.

My personal concerns with her wanting to be on his health insurance plan is that she may be pregnant again and that is the real reason for a rushed marriage.
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I understand what you are going through and I think that you are doing your best. At this point it is out of your hands, just be prepared to be there to help her if she will reach for you.
 
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