Do we forgive, or forgive and forget?

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My (teen-aged) daughter and spouse were having a discussion about forgiveness the other day. My spouse was explaining how we are called on by God to forgive those who transgress against us.

I quickly chimed in, though, that although we forgive someone by not holding the previous transgression against them, we are not bound to forget that the transgression happened, and that is acceptable that we take the former transgression into account when making future decisions.

I gave the example of giving something valuable and fragile to a young child who proceeds to gleefully break it. We can easily forgive the child for breaking the item. But to “forget” it occurred would be foolhardy. If, the next time we give something to the child, we first ensure that it’s not something fragile does not diminish the forgiveness at all.

Or does it?

Everytime I pray “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive…” I find myself wondering if I was mistaken. If God forgives and forgets ("…I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more" Jeremiah 31:34), then shouldn’t we?

So did I tell my daughter something wrong?
 
I think it depends on the nature of what is being forgiven.

If someone makes an honest mistake that they are not likely to repeat, it would be wise to let it go.

If someone does something dangerous, then even if you forgive them, you may be doing further harm by forgetting. I have in mind child molesters here: even if you forgive them for hurting you, if you “forget” what happened and allow them unsupervised access to your children, then they may harm your children as well.
 
Well, I thought I forgave me ex husband and others for things they did to hurt me. But it seemed that I could keep on thinking about the hurt and it would keep on bringing about anger. I realized the Holy Spirit was telling me I had not forgiven properly. Now we are working on that together becuase I cannot forgive AND forget without the Holy Spirit.
 
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SeekerJen:
I have in mind child molesters here: even if you forgive them for hurting you, if you “forget” what happened and allow them unsupervised access to your children, then they may harm your children as well.
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This is almost exactly the situation the prompted me to tell her that we are allowed to remember. She has uncle who did some time for this very offense a few years ago, and she is often invited to spend the night at that family’s house. The answer is a blanket “no,” and she knows the reason why. I was concerned that she was going to come back with “If we’re not supposed to hold past transgressions against people, then why can’t I stay the night at X’s house?”
 
Perhaps it is an issue of what we mean by the word “forget”.

We can take that to mean that we refuse to let past behavior have any influence on our future decisions (we truly forget: we do not have any memory of it).

The comments about not giving the child something fragile, and the sexual or physical abuser, make that pretty obvious as to applicability. Truly forgetting is to put ourselves and others at serious risk; justice calls us to a different response.

To forget, in terms of not dragging one issue up when discussing another issue, is a differetn matter. If I leave the socks laying on the floor fairly consistently, that really has nothing to do with the fact that I took the corner too fast and scared my passenger. But it does have something to do with my inability to generally get things put where they belong. and that may have to do with the fact that I have ADD, and not that I don’t “care”, and so “remembering” my socks habit isn’t really going to do much more than tear down some more self esteem.

To forget is to not hold the act over my head. It is not to go brain dead, as if the act never happened, but to try to build trust when I am trying to overcome the issue. Forgetting has more to do with trust, and depending on the circumstances, trust may be more or less easily rebuilt.

In terms of someone doing something because of age/responsiblity developement, (the child breaking things because they are not old enough to act responsibly), it is up to the other person to act responsibly (don’t give them an opportunity to repeat until they have shown more responsibility).

Hope that makes some sense.

As my mother always said: “Bury the hatchet. But mark the spot.”

And as I taught my twin daughters: “I don’t care if you make a mistake. But be creative. Next time, make a different one.”
 
What if somebody never apologizes? What if somebody isn’t even sorry for what he or she did? Why should we forgive someone who has no regret? Isn’t that foolhardy as well?
 
“Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.” Jesus

“Forgive us our trasspasses as we forgive those who traspass against us.”

If we pray the Our Father and mean it what we are saying is God forgive us our sins to the extent that we forgive others who sin against us.
If we are holding back forgiveness as means to punish someone who hurt us we not practicing Christian virtue. Is it easy?Absolutelt not. Especially when it is something very painful.

For example, recently my mother and I got into an angry arguement. I believe my mother has pyschological problems. She can horribly mean in what she says sometimes. (When I was 14 she told me she wished that my sister would have lived instead of me-my sister died of cancer.) After our recent arguement we hadn’t talked in about 2 weeks. My almost 9 year old daughter said to me one day. Mommy when are you going to forgive grandma? I told her I forgive Grandma, but when she is like this I can’t be around her because she is hurtful and I have the right not to be hurt.
It is not healthy or good for our souls to store up resentment and anger. We must pray that God gives us the grace to help us forgive others that hurt us. But that doesn’t mean we have to place ourselves in the position to be hurt again if some one has an established pattern of hurtful behavior. And when it comes to sexual abusers we must be especially careful.
 
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bapcathluth:
What if somebody never apologizes? What if somebody isn’t even sorry for what he or she did? Why should we forgive someone who has no regret? Isn’t that foolhardy as well?
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I’d like to know the answer to this as well…

I know that it is wrong to hold grudges and let it affect my daily life…that only hurts me…

I guess I need a clear definition of forgiveness.

Finella
 
I think the virtue we are missing here in forgiving and then moving on with the person and situation is that of prudence.

Yes, we forgive. We forget in that we do not continue to rub the error or sin in the person’s face or bring it up in the heat of the moment, otherwise we have not truly forgiven.

We do, however, need to be prudent, especially given the nature of some offenses (molestation, robbery, problems with addiction, etc.)

Prudence guides the judgment of conscience and directs your conduct in accordance with this judgment. (CCC 1805-1806)
 
I agree.

Its about prudence.

I let a family member use my car…not once…but TWICE…and BOTH times he got into an accident with it… HIS FAULT…sure, I forgave him…but I’ll NEVER forget…and my forgiveness does not have to extend to allowing him to ever use my car again…not even for a job…forgetting means not rubbing it in…and I wouldnt…unless he had the audacity to ever approach me again to use the car…then I MUST bring up the accidents…and why the car will NEVER be loaned to him again.
 
My mom always taught me that forgiveness isn’t for the person who is being forgiven. It’s for the forgiver. When you forgive someone, they may or may not have a weight taken from their shoulders, but it’s also a conscious thing on the part of the forgiver to release some of their anger and to let it go.

Of course this level of anger is for serious things, and not she stole my pencil, or she called me rat faced. People tend to just kinda get over those things.
It’s for things like murder, betrayals, molestations/rape, cruelty over a long period etc.

When my siblings and I would fight, and there were tears (I’m the baby and a drama queen, and knew how to play my cards so that I was NEVER the one in trouble) It was always forgive them for hurting you, but don’t forget whatever it was that you did that set them off.
 
I find myself in the camp of offering forgiveness to those who ask for it- while remaining prudent. For all other situations in which a wrong was done to me, but no forgiveness was asked, I choose to ‘let it go’. Is this true forgiveness or just an exercise in mental health?

Jesus himself says he cannot offer salvation or forgiveness unless we ask him for it. We are required to humble ourselves in the face of our sins- (and their consequences) and admit our wrong, and ask for forgiveness- completing any penance and correcting our wrong if possible.

We are obligated to forgive someone when we are wronged, but approached by someone who shows the same humility. “forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who trasspass against us…”

But when we harbor anger (or another unhealthy feeling) toward someone because of the wrong they commited against us- when they have not come to us in humility asking for forgiveness. I believe some of the anger is righteous.

But becoming absorbed in the anger is not productive or healthy and not what God wants for us either. We can choose to let God handle the justice in these cases without handing out unsolicited forgiveness.
 
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bapcathluth:
What if somebody never apologizes? What if somebody isn’t even sorry for what he or she did? Why should we forgive someone who has no regret? Isn’t that foolhardy as well?
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Jesus forgave the men who nailed him to the cross – before they showed any sign of repentance. Forgiveness is not optional. We shall be forgiven as we forgive.

I affirm what earlier posters have said – that forgiveness does not mean pretending something never happened or putting oneself in harm’s way. Serpents & doves. Serpents & doves.
 
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Timidity:
I don’t understand this reference.
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Mt 10:16 “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise asserpents and innocent as doves.”

It refers to making wise choices – being shrewd in worldly things yet living according to the Holy Spirit.
 
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lizziebeth730:
My mom always taught me that forgiveness isn’t for the person who is being forgiven. It’s for the forgiver. When you forgive someone, they may or may not have a weight taken from their shoulders, but it’s also a conscious thing on the part of the forgiver to release some of their anger and to let it go.

Of course this level of anger is for serious things, and not she stole my pencil, or she called me rat faced. People tend to just kinda get over those things.
It’s for things like murder, betrayals, molestations/rape, cruelty over a long period etc.

When my siblings and I would fight, and there were tears (I’m the baby and a drama queen, and knew how to play my cards so that I was NEVER the one in trouble) It was always forgive them for hurting you, but don’t forget whatever it was that you did that set them off.
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I would agree with all of this, except that I believe forgiveness should extend to even the most horrific crime. Forgiveness is the victim’s way of letting go of the anger and hurt. In forgiving, the victim accepts what happened and then moves on emotionally and spiritually. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are happy about what was done to you but that you accept that it happened and you can’t change the fact that it happened.

Forgiveness definitely does not and should not wait until the guilty party apologizes. First, because an apology may never be given and second, because true forgiveness comes from within oneself. It is a conscious decision to put the anger and hurt behind oneself.

I vividly recall an adult sister’s angry (!) reaction when I told her that I forgave her for her unkindness to me. Not only did she never acknowledge (and never would have acknowledged if I had waited until the end of time) that what she had done was unkind, she was actually angry that I forgave her. I think she wanted me to stay angry at her so she would feel in control of my anger. (It goes back to our childhoods–provoking the other sister to lose control, then feeling smug that that person lost control and the initiator didn’t.) That was a real lesson to me about anger and forgiveness!
 
La Chiara:
Forgiveness definitely does not and should not wait until the guilty party apologizes. First, because an apology may never be given and second, because true forgiveness comes from within oneself. It is a conscious decision to put the anger and hurt behind oneself.

I vividly recall an adult sister’s angry (!) reaction when I told her that I forgave her for her unkindness to me. Not only did she never acknowledge (and never would have acknowledged if I had waited until the end of time) that what she had done was unkind, she was actually angry that I forgave her.
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**YES! **Most of the time the person who has hurt you doesn’t have a clue that they have done anything wrong. Telling them “I forgive you,” when they don’t even realize they have hurt you just exacerbates the situation. It helps to start praying – even if insincerely – “Lord, bless this person. Lord, prosper this person. Lord let this person’s life be flooded with your love and grace . . . Lord, teach me to forgive. Lord heal my hurt, enlarge my heart. Accept my prayer: I forgive.”
 
Our Lord said to forgive seventy times seven, that’s 490 times, if you want to take him literally. Forgiveness is an act of the will. Sooner or later your feelings will come around to match what you WILL them to be. If every single day, 490 days in a row, you say to the Lord, “I forgive this person. Please help me totally forgive, Lord,” or something similar, the Lord will certainly hear your prayer if your will and your heart are in the right place. Just forgive, and let God take care of the memories. The Lord is the Great Physician, and only He can heal the terrible painful memories of abuse and other atrocities that Satan led others to do to you.
 
I knew someone who I could not forgive for what he had done to me. I knew I should forgive him, but there was a large part of me that did not want God to think that what the person did to me was okay just because I forgave. Yes, I knew even at the time that that was not how forgiveness works, but our feelings aren’t always in line with what we know to be true.

So I started to pray that I would want to forgive the person. After a few months, I came to realize that I did want to forgive him, and I started to pray that God would show me how to forgive him. After about a month or so, I realized I no longer was angry at this person, but that I felt sorry for him. I had forgiven him. Forgiving him had many benefits for me. First, I no longer am constantly angry when I see him or think about him. I can view him with compassion, but I remember what he did, because it is something I need to heal from, and I can only heal if I honestly assess what happened. Another benefit I received was an awareness of God’s grace. As I said when I started this post, I could not forgive this person. When I forgave him, I knew it had to be by the grace of God, because I could not have done it on my own. As a result of forgiving, I have a better understanding of God’s transforming love for me and a confidence that He will answer my prayers for help if I give myself to Him.
 
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