Do we move or stay close to grandparents?

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avb23

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I’ll keep the background short but its pertinent to our current situation. My husband and I moved about a year and a half ago with our then 5 month old child from the city we met and married in, to a city about 45 minutes from where I grewup and where my parents and siblings still live. I went to college close to where I grew up, but moved to a HCOL east coast city after graduation and stayed there for nearly 7 years. I stopped working when I was pregnant with our first and we knew we would need to move eventually in order for me to stay home with the kids. I was reluctant to move back home, but my husband got a somewhat reasonable job offer and he was convinced it would be a good move. So here we are, 1.5 years later, another kid, a mortgage and we don’t really feel at home or like the area, though we do love being close to my parents.

Recently, my husband was approached by a prestigious company on the other side of the country. I never imagined we would move to the west coast, but its an incredible opportunity for him, the weather is amazing (which the rust belt weather is very detremintal to my emotional well-being), and while its another HCOL area, it would pay well enough that we can maintain our current standard of living and I would not have to return to work.

We were inclined to go, then I told my mother about the opportunity. Her response, " Don’t you dare do this to me." I love my mother very much – she is my best friend – but now I feel like we have to consider her feelings in this decision. Am I right to assume we do? I want my best friend, my mother, to be happy for us, no matter what we do. We’ve very much enjoyed being close to my parents and seeing them 2-3 times a month, but honestly, we really dislike everything else about the area.

My mother has always regretted that she moved away from her parents after she got married, and I know her reaction stems from that. But what do you say? What is most important? Do we stay in a city with limited jobs in my husband’s field but enough that will provide us with a decent life close to family? Or do we go where he can do something really neat in his field? Have any of you been in similar situations where a parent was unhappy about a move?
 
If DH wants to take the new job opportunity, I would move. There are computers, phones, and airplanes. Your parents will still be able to see you.
 
I’m sorry your mom reacted the way she did. It is a hard enough decision to make for a couple without the added stress of guilt. I’ve been in both your shoes (living far from home) and your mom’s shoes (son moving far from home). I can assure you that moving will be best for your family in the long run. You are a married woman and your priorities are your husband and children. It is nice being close to family in some ways, but it is also so important for you and your family to establish your own ways of doing things, traditions, and lifestyle outside of the extended family bubble. You have financial incentives (good pay), emotional reasons (nice weather/environment), professional reasons (opportunities), lifestyle reasons (good area) and marital reasons (husband desires the change).

I understand how your mom feels. When my oldest moved for training it broke my heart. I hated seeing him go. Now he is deciding on which job he will take and most of the really good jobs are far from where we currently are stationed and in areas that are almost zero chance of us being stationed. It’s tough on my son because he would love to move back home or at least close by. He misses his siblings and loves hanging out with his dad. (Not to mention missing home cooked meals and free laundry from mom!) I would love him moving close by, especially since we just moved again to a new area. My husband will be leaving soon and selfishly I want my son to come and help out. It would be great to have another adult close by that I know can be trusted and who can help. I know my son knows how I feel, but I have NEVER told him these things. I instead try to encourage him in his search for a really good job. I answer questions about different cities he’s thinking of and point out all the positives. I keep the negative aspects to myself, and if he starts with the negatives I come back with positives. As much as I want him home, I want even more for him to find his place in the world. I want him to get the best possible job that will lead to the best opportunities, one that will be secure and offer growth. If he marries, I want him to be able to provide all his family requires. If that means being on the far side of the country (or globe) from me, then I accept that. I trust I raised him to be a successful and moral man. Now I have to let go.

You loyalty lies with your husband. I know your mom knows that. It’s difficult leaving home, and even more difficult when our children leave home. Don’t let your mom guilt you into staying, but try not to harbor resentment towards your mom either. Try taking her out to lunch and sit down and talk to her about this. Let her know that phones still work (I talk to my mom daily no matter where we are stationed), mail is still delivered, highways reach every town, and air planes fly all over. Moving far away no longer means never having contact like it did 100 years ago. It is possible to have a tight emotional bond even if you are physically separated.
 
Do your parents need you in some way? Is there health or financial situations such that if you move it will cause them problems?

If not, you must be where it is best for your family to be. And right now, it sounds like it is best for your family to move.
 
avb23 said:

“Recently, my husband was approached by a prestigious company on the other side of the country. I never imagined we would move to the west coast, but its an incredible opportunity for him, the weather is amazing (which the rust belt weather is very detremintal to my emotional well-being), and while its another HCOL area, it would pay well enough that we can maintain our current standard of living and I would not have to return to work.”

I think you should try it. Your kids are small enough to be portable and it sounds like you’re not cut out for the rust belt and you sound very excited about the move.

Don’t buy a house there your first year, though, and probably not your second year. It’s quite possible that the cost of living issues may be worse than you think, or that there will be some feature of the local culture or climate that you can’t stomach.

“We were inclined to go, then I told my mother about the opportunity. Her response, " Don’t you dare do this to me.” I love my mother very much – she is my best friend – but now I feel like we have to consider her feelings in this decision. Am I right to assume we do? I want my best friend, my mother, to be happy for us, no matter what we do. We’ve very much enjoyed being close to my parents and seeing them 2-3 times a month, but honestly, we really dislike everything else about the area."

Tell her that you want to try it and if you like it, you’ll stay, but if you don’t like it, you’ll do your best to come back.

“My mother has always regretted that she moved away from her parents after she got married, and I know her reaction stems from that. But what do you say? What is most important? Do we stay in a city with limited jobs in my husband’s field but enough that will provide us with a decent life close to family? Or do we go where he can do something really neat in his field? Have any of you been in similar situations where a parent was unhappy about a move?”

She’s not going to like you moving away, no matter what.

You could point out that you’re headed to a lovely resort-like area, and they’d be able to have a vacation every time they visited.

Our family has had a somewhat similar trajectory away from the extended family, although we’ve wound up in the southern US, which eliminates the cost of living concerns. I like where we live now, and at this point, I can’t even imagine living in my old home town or my old home state (which is on the West Coast). I have a lot of friends here, my kids are settled in, I love the mild winters, the cost of living is low, and we have a very good chance that our kids will be able to stay in-state when they grow up and get jobs. Down the road, the problem with your rust belt location is that your kids will face exactly the same choice between family and professional success.
 
I agree with what’s already been said. Your obligation is to your husband before your mom. Make the decision with your husband about what is best for your immediate family. I can understand your mom’s feelings, but this isn’t about her.

Besides, staying in the same area doesn’t guarantee a good or close relationship with parents, and moving doesn’t guarantee you won’t have a good or close relationship, either. 😉
 
Here’s a possible line for your mom: “If we don’t like it, we won’t stay.”
 
m That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.*

Gen 2:24
  • b He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’
    5
    c and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
Matt 19:5

usccb.org/bible/matthew/19
 
avb23 said:
I’ll keep the background short but its pertinent to our current situation. My husband and I moved about a year and a half ago with our then 5 month old child from the city we met and married in, to a city about 45 minutes from where I grewup and where my parents and siblings still live. I went to college close to where I grew up, but moved to a HCOL east coast city after graduation and stayed there for nearly 7 years. I stopped working when I was pregnant with our first and we knew we would need to move eventually in order for me to stay home with the kids. I was reluctant to move back home, but my husband got a somewhat reasonable job offer and he was convinced it would be a good move. So here we are, 1.5 years later, another kid, a mortgage and we don’t really feel at home or like the area, though we do love being close to my parents.

Recently, my husband was approached by a prestigious company on the other side of the country. I never imagined we would move to the west coast, but its an incredible opportunity for him, the weather is amazing (which the rust belt weather is very detremintal to my emotional well-being), and while its another HCOL area, it would pay well enough that we can maintain our current standard of living and I would not have to return to work.

We were inclined to go, then I told my mother about the opportunity. Her response, " Don’t you dare do this to me." I love my mother very much – she is my best friend – but now I feel like we have to consider her feelings in this decision. Am I right to assume we do? I want my best friend, my mother, to be happy for us, no matter what we do. We’ve very much enjoyed being close to my parents and seeing them 2-3 times a month, but honestly, we really dislike everything else about the area.

My mother has always regretted that she moved away from her parents after she got married, and I know her reaction stems from that. But what do you say? What is most important? Do we stay in a city with limited jobs in my husband’s field but enough that will provide us with a decent life close to family? Or do we go where he can do something really neat in his field? Have any of you been in similar situations where a parent was unhappy about a move?
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This might sound totally daft, but you could always have your parents move with you (buy a bigger house, share it with them, they’d contribute some money and taking care of the kids).
 
Thank you for all of the replies. My husband and I will make the decision together for sure, but we are both debate the issue because we have seen the benefits of being close to family and the disadvantages of being farther away – especially with young children. We do not support them financially at all and they are both in relatively decent health for their age. They also just surprisingly came into a little money which will greatly help them live a more than modest retirement (my dad is already retired and my mom will retire next year). My siblings live in the area, and will never leave, its just that I’ve always been the closest to my parents and they’re closer to my children than their other grandchildren, even though I’ve been the only child of theirs that ever moved away.

I know no one will be able to answer for me, but I worry that if we do move away, we will regret not being so close more than we would enjoy the better job opportunities and the weather. :confused:
 
7armyrugrats said:
I’m sorry your mom reacted the way she did. It is a hard enough decision to make for a couple without the added stress of guilt. I’ve been in both your shoes (living far from home) and your mom’s shoes (son moving far from home). I can assure you that moving will be best for your family in the long run. You are a married woman and your priorities are your husband and children. It is nice being close to family in some ways, but it is also so important for you and your family to establish your own ways of doing things, traditions, and lifestyle outside of the extended family bubble. You have financial incentives (good pay), emotional reasons (nice weather/environment), professional reasons (opportunities), lifestyle reasons (good area) and marital reasons (husband desires the change).

I understand how your mom feels. When my oldest moved for training it broke my heart. I hated seeing him go. Now he is deciding on which job he will take and most of the really good jobs are far from where we currently are stationed and in areas that are almost zero chance of us being stationed. It’s tough on my son because he would love to move back home or at least close by. He misses his siblings and loves hanging out with his dad. (Not to mention missing home cooked meals and free laundry from mom!) I would love him moving close by, especially since we just moved again to a new area. My husband will be leaving soon and selfishly I want my son to come and help out. It would be great to have another adult close by that I know can be trusted and who can help. I know my son knows how I feel, but I have NEVER told him these things. I instead try to encourage him in his search for a really good job. I answer questions about different cities he’s thinking of and point out all the positives. I keep the negative aspects to myself, and if he starts with the negatives I come back with positives. As much as I want him home, I want even more for him to find his place in the world. I want him to get the best possible job that will lead to the best opportunities, one that will be secure and offer growth. If he marries, I want him to be able to provide all his family requires. If that means being on the far side of the country (or globe) from me, then I accept that. I trust I raised him to be a successful and moral man. Now I have to let go.

You loyalty lies with your husband. I know your mom knows that. It’s difficult leaving home, and even more difficult when our children leave home. Don’t let your mom guilt you into staying, but try not to harbor resentment towards your mom either. Try taking her out to lunch and sit down and talk to her about this. Let her know that phones still work (I talk to my mom daily no matter where we are stationed), mail is still delivered, highways reach every town, and air planes fly all over. Moving far away no longer means never having contact like it did 100 years ago. It is possible to have a tight emotional bond even if you are physically separated.
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. My mother has since told me she wants us to do whats best for our family, but of course she doesn’t want us to leave. It is difficult to be away from family, as you know. Your son is very lucky to have such a supportive mother!
 
Xantippe said:
avb23 said:

Our family has had a somewhat similar trajectory away from the extended family, although we’ve wound up in the southern US, which eliminates the cost of living concerns. I like where we live now, and at this point, I can’t even imagine living in my old home town or my old home state (which is on the West Coast). I have a lot of friends here, my kids are settled in, I love the mild winters, the cost of living is low, and we have a very good chance that our kids will be able to stay in-state when they grow up and get jobs. Down the road, the problem with your rust belt location is that your kids will face exactly the same choice between family and professional success.
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Bingo! Thats why I left the area after college. I couldn’t find a job making more than $8/hour at the time. And I worry the same thing will happen to my children if we stay (though I have much bigger concerns with the way our country is headed culturally). Anyway, this is not a good area for my husband’s field if he really wants to advance.
 
I am glad you and your husband will sort out the pros and cons of moving away. You will know if it’s right for you and your family. I will keep you all in prayer, especially your mom. God bless.
 
I’d say go for the move. When I was growing up, we moved several times. My home state is Kansas, and that was where just about all my family was. We even lived in Alaska for over three years. As has already been said, there is transportation and all that. Since the children are young, they won’t realy remember the move, so their adjustment should be ok. It’s when your kids are older that you have to really consider what’s best for them. My parents moving us around so much (No, my dad wasn’t in the military) really had a negative impact on my life. The changing of climate, schools and all that. I was so insecure when I was a kid. Actually, come to think about it, I still am!! Not to say that your kids will be insecure. As long as they have your love and support, and get to see the grandparents from time to time, I think it wouldn’t be a problem.
 
avb23 said:

“My siblings live in the area, and will never leave, its just that I’ve always been the closest to my parents and they’re closer to my children than their other grandchildren, even though I’ve been the only child of theirs that ever moved away.”

Hmmmm.

“I know no one will be able to answer for me, but I worry that if we do move away, we will regret not being so close more than we would enjoy the better job opportunities and the weather.”

If that’s how you feel, you can move back. Maybe even explicitly give yourself 2 or 3 years in the new place to figure this out?

And if you can’t find a job to move back to, that suggests that if you had stayed and your husband lost a job, he would have really struggled with finding a replacement job in the area.
 
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