Do weddings always make families go nuts?

[skigirl1689]

You’ve posted here several times about your sister’s wedding. The only advice I can give you is that this is a really stressful, but really joyful time for your sister and your family as a whole. You seem to me like a younger sister who feels left out and forgotten. Trust me, you aren’t. But not much tops a wedding in terms of family focus, except maybe the birth of a baby. Someday you’ll be the bride and all of the attention (and stress) will be yours. Life is cyclical like that.

I’m actually the oldest and I am being pulled into every little disagreement no one will bring up to my sister…I am the one who hears the frustrations, disagreements. Actually I am happy not to be the focus of attention for once in my life…it has allowed me to objectively view the dynamics of the situation.

No one will talk directly to the source when there is a problem or concern. And no one seems happy when plans are discussed within the family, just stressed out and frustrated with the lack of openness and ability to ask questions without getting snapped at.

Believe me, if there was a way to have everyone just calm down and relax, I would make it happen as the atmosphere would be a lot calmer and back to “normal.”

 

[skigirl1689]

Well, yes, that too!

As the family therapists like to say, this is the definition of a dysfunctional family:
**Dysfunctional family: **Any family with more than one person in it.

Even the Holy Family had that little Temple incident to get through, not to mention the earlier inevitable scandal around when Mary’s firstborn was conceived, finding themselves days out of their home town when she was due, and without hotel reservations, visitors dropping in with everything from sheep to camels in tow, last minute moves to foreign countries…you name it!

Yes, this is so true. I witnessed a lot of other issues when my friend got married that would not be issues in mine. Every family deals with something .

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Ok, maybe I am being a little facetious, but I am thinking it is a little true… My sister is getting married in the summer and it’s just crazy.

**They’re getting married in a different denominational church than either our family or his, so none of the parents are happy about it. I just don’t say anything, though I don’t really like it either as the minister is anti-Catholic (printed things in the paper) and half of my family is and his is as well, though I am not. So my parents complain to me about this choice, but no one says anything to her or ask her why they decided this. Like I know this?
**
We have to tip-toe around her when it comes to anything wedding related because it is so touchy and get snapped at. I don’t say anything if I don’t have to, but then other family members get upset at each other because of all of this, and at times it is difficult to deal with. I’m not involved in the wedding but by default have to deal with everything as I am the sister. Oh and because of distance issues they’ll be 2 showers, not that I am against it, but it is just more drama and stress.

I shouldn’t be complaining in all honesty, but it stresses me out because there is no escaping the disagreements, hurt feelings, disapprovals, etc.

Is every wedding, or pre-wedding period, like this? I am thinking if I ever got married, it’d be a private, tiny ceremony. Perhaps I just needed to vent:shrug:

They’ve guaranteed a lot of drama and stress by doing this. Don’t triangulate when your parents try to vent to you. Just say, “Sorry, you need to talk to Sis about this, I’m not the one getting married.”

I do think weddings make just about everyone crazy, but marrying outside of one’s faith adds to the nuttiness x 1,000,000.

 

[Sarabande]

I’m actually the oldest and I am being pulled into every little disagreement no one will bring up to my sister…I am the one who hears the frustrations, disagreements. Actually I am happy not to be the focus of attention for once in my life…it has allowed me to objectively view the dynamics of the situation.

No one will talk directly to the source when there is a problem or concern. And no one seems happy when plans are discussed within the family, just stressed out and frustrated with the lack of openness and ability to ask questions without getting snapped at.

Believe me, if there was a way to have everyone just calm down and relax, I would make it happen as the atmosphere would be a lot calmer and back to “normal.”

I just went through a year of this with my sister and family (mainly my mother). I am also the oldest. My sister is the youngest. I am close to my sister, as well as the rest of my immediate family, and I am usually the peacemaker among my siblings. So, I completely understand what you are going through right now.

Firstly, I will say that not all weddings make families go nuts. It really depends on what is going on at the time, how well people get along, how much a bride goes bridezilla on you, or how much a family member, like a mother or someone else very involved in the planning, tries to take control over everything, among other things. I had a relatively enjoyable time planning my own wedding. While my husband and I planned the liturgy, my mother and I did most of the reception planning, which was one of the best bonding times, second only to the bonding I had with her when I had my first child. She started treating me like an adult daughter and we became so much closer during that time. I cherish the special time I had with her. That’s not to say there were times when I had to put my foot time to be sure she didn’t go over-board with the spending.

My sister’s experience was much different. She and my mother butted heads every which way and I was caught in the middle of the frustrations, venting, anger, etc. There were a number of reasons for the friction. It was partly my sister being a little spoiled, a bit immature, and just expecting everything given to her despite never really wanting to help do the work to make the wedding go well and especially some of the very hurtful things she said to my mother. (And I will say, although my sister was spoiled a little as a child, her personality and actions during the wedding planning were so unlike her. It was surprising and disappointing.) It was also partly my mother who wanted things a certain way. Because she was paying for the wedding, she had every right to insist on things going her way, yet sometimes she was a little too unreasonable. I ended up always trying to smooth things over between my mom and sister and find a happy medium. BUT the MAIN reason for all those problems was because my sister did not want to get married in the Church. It broke my parents’ hearts. I really don’t think things would have been so bad had that not been the case.

 

[Sarabande]

They’ve guaranteed a lot of drama and stress by doing this. Don’t triangulate when your parents try to vent to you. Just say, “Sorry, you need to talk to Sis about this, I’m not the one getting married.”

I do think weddings make just about everyone crazy, but marrying outside of one’s faith adds to the nuttiness x 1,000,000.

Yup. I didn’t see this when I posted my experience with my family and sister’s wedding, but you said it better than I did.

 

[Metropolis]

Well, I know with both my sister’s wedding and my wedding there was lots of drama. With my sister’s it was mostly my grandparents threatening that if her and her husband did not invite the cousins on their side, they wouldn’t come and wouldn’t help pay for the wedding like they had promised earlier. Now we really don’t know our cousins (saw them less than once a year growing up) and all of them are alcoholics and/or drug addicts, so she didn’t want them there. She finally relented and invited them and my grandparents came late and left early and didn’t give them any money to help pay for the wedding anyways. Three of our cousins have had weddings soon after and none invited us and our grandparents went to all of them and stayed the whole time and paid for their weddings.

With my wedding, I got married in the Catholic Church and was a new convert. Many of my family threatened not to come because I was getting married in a Catholic Church and some because I had become a Catholic (my family is from an Fundamentalist Church). Some decided not to show. My Grandparents aren’t religious, but didn’t come and never gave a reason and made plans to meet up with me on three occasions shortly after yet stood me up all three times. A “friend” of my husband told a great number of people that they could invite other people to our wedding and told them that we gave the okay. We didn’t and had to tell people we couldn’t afford to have all those people and couldn’t even afford to invite all of our family, so their extra guests couldn’t come. This caused a few friends not to come.

I was very sad around this time that my family wouldn’t be happy for me and were just concerned that I wasn’t a fundamentalist anymore. Still hurts me to this day.

So ya, weddings are always crazy. It seems everyone else forgets that it is about the couple making a commitment to each other and instead make it about them and what they want.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

I think weddings are important celebrations. And this post is slightly off the topic.

But its gotten sooooo out of control. The waste that happens is borderline sinful, and certainly irrational.

I’m not being a Scrooge, either. I love weddings. But when the cost of a wedding could have put a serious downpayment on a house, something is amiss.

I have three daughters. I will make the same offer to all three. If you choose a simple, respectful, beautiful, inexpensive wedding, I will make a significant dent in the downpayment of your first house.

Craziness, for sure.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think weddings are important celebrations. And this post is slightly off the topic.

But its gotten sooooo out of control. The waste that happens is borderline sinful, and certainly irrational.

I’m not being a Scrooge, either. I love weddings. But when the cost of a wedding could have put a serious downpayment on a house, something is amiss.

I have three daughters. I will make the same offer to all three. If you choose a simple, respectful, beautiful, inexpensive wedding, I will make a significant dent in the downpayment of your first house.

Craziness, for sure.

Too true. “Bridezillas” and TV shows like that don’t help. I think if I had girls I would pay for them to elope.

 

[EasterJoy]

They’ve guaranteed a lot of drama and stress by doing this. Don’t triangulate when your parents try to vent to you. Just say, “Sorry, you need to talk to Sis about this, I’m not the one getting married.”

Yes. When either party takes their frustrations to you, OP, do not take it as them telling you about what the other is doing. Handle it as them telling you about their feelings, and frame your reply accordingly. After you have listened, you can say, “You sound very upset. I think you can handle this with her, though. You will all work it out.” If the party accuses you of not caring or doing too little by not jumping into the fray, assure them that they are giving their own abilities to handle their own feelings and their own relationship with the other family member too little credit. In other words, validate their feelings, voice your confidence in their ability to cope with the problem, but do NOT validate their point of view in the dispute.

IOW, when they come and try to get you involved, push them back into the middle of their own issues. You may stay out of the middle without any violation against charity on your part, no matter what anyone may try to tell you to the contrary.

Most of all, OP: Do not say anything to anybody that you wouldn’t want to see in print, quoted out of context. One very common strategy for upset family members is to go around polling everyone and trying to build alliances for their point of view. Then they cherry-pick the quotes that bolster their side, removing all subtlety that might weaken it, and go back to the party with whom they actually have a grievance and try to make it out as if “the whole family” agrees with them.

If you pretend that there is always a camera trained on you with a team of analysts ready to dissect what you say, it would not be overcautious.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

A number of years ago a neighbor of my Nonna in Italy was getting married. His last name litereally translated to “Happy” .

One day, while the family was having a discussion about the wedding plans ( I guess somewhat heated) the phone rang.

The person on the other line asked, “Is the “Happy” household?” The younger brother who answered the phone answered, “Not really…”

 

[faithfully]

So my parents complain to me about this choice, but no one says anything to her or ask her why they decided this. Like I know this?

LOL! What ever you do… DO NOT ASK! I made this very horrible mistake. My SIL is of no religion, she planned the entire wedding, and according to my in-laws her clearly good for nothing spouse (who I happen to like and is really nice, and treats her really well), didn’t help with anything. He’s a lapsed Catholic. The wedding was in a lovely location, done by some sort of preacher of a denomination I’m totally clueless on.

And later, during the “oh that was a lovely wedding” I stupidly inquired how she managed to end up with a preacher from some random religion officiating. Just how does a bride plan a wedding that she’s quite excluded from? Curious. Because (I later indicated that would have been like me randomly selecting a witch doctor to do ours) At which point my FIL berated me for the “fact” (not) that anyone who isn’t Catholic is some sort of heathen. Yeah, that didn’t go over well with me. Mostly 'cause I realized how little my in laws think of me. Sad, upsetting.

But what I learned NEVER ask question, or inquire about how anyone came to seemingly thoughtless decisions. It’s none of your business. Just bring and drop off the present thank you. Don’t even inquire about the planning. Don’t have any suggestions unless you are specifically sought out and asked. And then tread lightly.

Hmmm… I think I’m still a little bitter. But that wasn’t the only issue that weekend. It was really awful… I’ll spare you the details.

 

[skigirl1689]

My sister’s experience was much different. She and my mother butted heads every which way and I was caught in the middle of the frustrations, venting, anger, etc. There were a number of reasons for the friction. It was partly my sister being a little spoiled, a bit immature, and just expecting everything given to her despite never really wanting to help do the work to make the wedding go well and especially some of the very hurtful things she said to my mother. (And I will say, although my sister was spoiled a little as a child, her personality and actions during the wedding planning were so unlike her. It was surprising and disappointing.) It was also partly my mother who wanted things a certain way. Because she was paying for the wedding, she had every right to insist on things going her way, yet sometimes she was a little too unreasonable. I ended up always trying to smooth things over between my mom and sister and find a happy medium. BUT the MAIN reason for all those problems was because my sister did not want to get married in the Church. It broke my parents’ hearts. I really don’t think things would have been so bad had that not been the case.

Yes, I think the planning is resulting in a struggle of wills. I’m glad your planning went well. I’ve seen so many moms and daughters go at it when it comes to the wedding planning. When I stood in my friend’s wedding, her mom never said a word to me all weekend so I guess she didn’t approve of me being in the wedding and she’s known me for many, many years. It was bizarre!

Too true. “Bridezillas” and TV shows like that don’t help. I think if I had girls I would pay for them to elope.

That offer has been made !

Yes. When either party takes their frustrations to you, OP, do not take it as them telling you about what the other is doing. Handle it as them telling you about their feelings, and frame your reply accordingly. After you have listened, you can say, “You sound very upset. I think you can handle this with her, though. You will all work it out.” If the party accuses you of not caring or doing too little by not jumping into the fray, assure them that they are giving their own abilities to handle their own feelings and their own relationship with the other family member too little credit. In other words, validate their feelings, voice your confidence in their ability to cope with the problem, but do NOT validate their point of view in the dispute.

IOW, when they come and try to get you involved, push them back into the middle of their own issues. You may stay out of the middle without any violation against charity on your part, no matter what anyone may try to tell you to the contrary.

Most of all, OP: Do not say anything to anybody that you wouldn’t want to see in print, quoted out of context. One very common strategy for upset family members is to go around polling everyone and trying to build alliances for their point of view. Then they cherry-pick the quotes that bolster their side, removing all subtlety that might weaken it, and go back to the party with whom they actually have a grievance and try to make it out as if “the whole family” agrees with them.

If you pretend that there is always a camera trained on you with a team of analysts ready to dissect what you say, it would not be overcautious.

Great advice, thanks!! I will not take sides and comment “I’m just staying out of this” and “well, it is her wedding and it is all going to work out” Someone they respect told my parents to “let her do what she will and let her worry about it” so I hope they listen to that advice.

LOL! What ever you do… DO NOT ASK! I made this very horrible mistake. My SIL is of no religion, she planned the entire wedding, and according to my in-laws her clearly good for nothing spouse (who I happen to like and is really nice, and treats her really well), didn’t help with anything. He’s a lapsed Catholic. The wedding was in a lovely location, done by some sort of preacher of a denomination I’m totally clueless on.

And later, during the “oh that was a lovely wedding” I stupidly inquired how she managed to end up with a preacher from some random religion officiating. Just how does a bride plan a wedding that she’s quite excluded from? Curious. Because (I later indicated that would have been like me randomly selecting a witch doctor to do ours) At which point my FIL berated me for the “fact” (not) that anyone who isn’t Catholic is some sort of heathen. Yeah, that didn’t go over well with me. Mostly 'cause I realized how little my in laws think of me. Sad, upsetting.

But what I learned NEVER ask question, or inquire about how anyone came to seemingly thoughtless decisions. It’s none of your business. Just bring and drop off the present thank you. Don’t even inquire about the planning. Don’t have any suggestions unless you are specifically sought out and asked. And then tread lightly.

Hmmm… I think I’m still a little bitter. But that wasn’t the only issue that weekend. It was really awful… I’ll spare you the details.

I’m so sorry it was an awful experience for you…yes, I am not bringing up the whole religion issue though I know some of my relatives will stupidly inquire and or criticize; I can honestly claim ignorance on this point. My plan is to spend the festivities visiting with relatives (I jokingly invited my cousin to steal me away during the last days prior to the wedding).

 

[RedSoxWife]

My husband would most definitely say “yes” to that question.

I didn’t think the planning was that bad but he still tells horror stories over six years later, shaking his head and saying wistfully that we should have eloped.