Do women have to go too far to get the attention of men?

[Jay82]

My 22 year old niece will be graduating from a small, wonderful, Catholic college in December, and from there, she’s on to graduate school . She is bright, funny, and very pretty. She was raised Catholic and has been very true to her faith all of her life. However, she has never had a boyfriend.

Her theory is that she “can’t compete” in the dating world because she won’t engage in any premarital sexual activity. From her point of view, all of the eligible men pass her over for women who will do more for them. I told her that this is not the case-that those men would not be a good match for her anyway and that they are doing her a favor by weeding themselves out. But she is still convinced that if “everyone else” would stop dressing immodestly and having sex, it would be easier for her to get attention.

I know that she is frustrated with her situation, and I know that she feels like no one will ever want to be with her. But this just isn’t true! I’m afraid that these thoughts will end up leading her to do things with men that she knows are wrong out of desperation. Is there anything I can say to her to make her understand that the men she thinks are “passing her over” wouldn’t have much in common with her anyway?

Being a guy, I can relate to her situation from the opposite perspective. It would be great to meet a woman similar to your niece that is closer to my age, since I’m in my 30s now. However, back in my 20s, I found it challenging to meet women such as your niece, just as she is finding it tough to meet men. She needs to keep things in perspective. She is soo young still and has a lot of time ahead of her. Guys her age are not always focused on marriage, but they might be in a few years. In fact, many of the ‘good guys’ probably will be looking more seriously for a serious relationship after college or as they enter in their mid 20s and their career is on the right track.

She doesn’t need to change at all, it sounds like she will do just fine.

 

[Demetra2]

Hi forum! You guys have helped me in the past, and I periodically browse this site even though I haven’t posted in years. This is not a problem so much as a discussion that I had with a niece of mine that I would like some more Catholic thoughts on.

My 22 year old niece will be graduating from a small, wonderful, Catholic college in December, and from there, she’s on to graduate school . She is bright, funny, and very pretty. She was raised Catholic and has been very true to her faith all of her life. However, she has never had a boyfriend.

Her theory is that she “can’t compete” in the dating world because she won’t engage in any premarital sexual activity. From her point of view, all of the eligible men pass her over for women who will do more for them. I told her that this is not the case-that those men would not be a good match for her anyway and that they are doing her a favor by weeding themselves out. But she is still convinced that if “everyone else” would stop dressing immodestly and having sex, it would be easier for her to get attention.

I know that she is frustrated with her situation, and I know that she feels like no one will ever want to be with her. But this just isn’t true! I’m afraid that these thoughts will end up leading her to do things with men that she knows are wrong out of desperation. Is there anything I can say to her to make her understand that the men she thinks are “passing her over” wouldn’t have much in common with her anyway?

Well, unfortunately your 22 year old niece is correct in saying that she will be passed over for women who will be sexually active. Even Catholics at Catholic colleges often fail to remain close to the teachings of the church during college. Some will come back but many will not. You are correct in encouraging her to find a suitable boyfriend through Catholic channels such as a Catholic dating site. Even then it will take a while to find Mr. Right. Basically it is a numbers game and the numbers are dwindling. To say this isn’t a serious problem for her is to be very naïve. The Church needs to do more outreach to the young adult age group because they are leaving in droves and they need to be brought back. It is truly a serious problem that the Church seems to be ignoring. I would recommend that your niece read a book by Emily Stimpson called “The Catholic Girl’s Guide to Staying Sane” Good luck.