Do you ever get away without the kids? Is it a good or bad idea?

[JackieMom]

Hmmmmm… I do know that when the wife has asked to go away for the weekend to some romantic place for say our anniversary, I will not go as I do not wish to take the risk of driving somewhere together and getting killed in an accident and leaving the child an orphan. I have worked several Psych. Facilities and I know the horror stories of some foster homes. ( We are a small family and have no relatives that are able to take over the child as we married late in life)

My daughter is now just turned 18 and I am just now able to consider the idea of going away for the weekend with the wife.

But that is just me.

Uh - so your wife and you never travel in a car together? You take separate cars even to the movies or to a restaurant? Most accidents occur within 5 miles of the home.

You’ve never considered even going one town away to a nice hotel for a night?

You don’t have ANY friends or family that would have been willing to take in your kid if you and your wife were to both die in a tragic accident? You don’t know anyone who would step up? I find it hard to believe your child’s godparents, your best friends, parents of your child’s friends or even distant cousins would not have have been willing to take in your child if the worst happened. I mean - that’s super weird. Letting an orphaned chid you know go into foster care?

Hopefully you have dealt with your anxiety issues and are now willing to treat your wife to all the back “pay” she’s owed!

 

[St_Francis]

I’m the original poster. Thanks for all the replies but to answer about family time, we DO go camping and on vacations several times a year with the family. EVERYTHING we do is with the kids. We homeschool the kids, we are active in their scout troops, in the summer we bike ride, run and play outdoors with the kids, in the winter we go to the gym together, we spend ALL our time together (except when I am at work of course) – so there is no shortage of “family time” – it’s just that family time is all-consuming and DW feels that that is what is needed and should be the focus, not selfishly spending time together without the kids.

Oops! So probably just skip that and try to work up to a weekend alone more gradually

As a homeschooling mom myself, it can seem like there is just so much to *do *that getting away from that seems overwhelming. When one is running as fast as one can and still falling behind, taking a break can seem like a path to disaster. I’m not saying your wife definitely feels this way, but I do. And too, there is a sort of loss of control. You may see that in job situations where the manager thinks if he leaves, everything will fall apart.

It was just a thought, that working up to it would be better than pressing for a whole weekend right off the bat.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m the original poster. Thanks for all the replies but to answer about family time, we DO go camping and on vacations several times a year with the family. EVERYTHING we do is with the kids. We homeschool the kids, we are active in their scout troops, in the summer we bike ride, run and play outdoors with the kids, in the winter we go to the gym together, we spend ALL our time together (except when I am at work of course) – so there is no shortage of “family time” – it’s just that family time is all-consuming and DW feels that that is what is needed and should be the focus, not selfishly spending time together without the kids.

Get her in to talk to your pastor. He knows a lot more about the inner workings of marriages than she knows from looking at the marriages of her friends from the outside, because he gets to hear what people say when there is no one there to impress, no one who is going to judge their feelings, and no one who is going to tell tales when they talk about what their life is really like.

Kids do not need a parent in attendance at all times, particularly not after infancy. Neither is self-care “selfish”. The truth is, it is often a problem that the main caretaker makes the whole family center around her…yes, she is anything but self-ish, but she can still be self-centered, if she thinks that her child’s welfare cannot possibly happen without one of you there!

Our Lord stayed behind in Jerusalem without his parents at the age of 12, and he did not sin. They totally lost track of where on earth he was, and they did not sin. That’s the Holy Family, they routinely lived in such a way that their 12 year old could be out of their sight for an entire day before they really got worried, because they knew he had been in the company of their friends and relatives, and nobody sinned. And how did the reunion go?

When his parents saw him, they were astonished, and his mother said to him, “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety.” And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” Luke 2:48-49

If the most perfect Mother in the history of humankind could let her 12 year old out of her sight, so can your wife. She didn’t vow to be your wife until she became the mother of your children. She vowed to be your wife for as long as you’re both alive. She needs to attend to that work, because she’s been using the demands of motherhood to neglect the work of being your wife. Those of us who have done the same thing can tell her that this is the wrong thing to do, and, if she stubbornly persists when she sees what she is doing, an offense against her marriage vows. That is not the example you two ought to set for your children.

Just to get you ready, she’ll almost certainly feel anxious when you start getting out without the kids. The first few “dates” may not feel like they accomplished much togetherness, because so much was spent worrying about how the kids were doing. That’s OK. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It is a process. You’ll both get used to it. The poster who suggested that you start with evenings alone was right on track! Start there, and work your way up to overnights and, eventually, weekends. You’ll get there!

I’d start with just going out and having dessert or a glass of wine or a walk between dinner and when the kids go to bed. Just an hour. The sixteen year old can handle things for that long. But do get her out of the fray and in private for 15 minutes every day and out of the house for at least an hour once a week. You can do it!

 

[The_Bucket]

Spousal time together is family time. Without the spouses, there would be no family. Your relationship with each other has to come first (after your relationship with God, of course). If your relationship suffers, the family suffers. If your relationship is strong, chances are the family is strong.

Your kids will certainly not resent it, especially those who are old enough to understand the situation. My kids need to know that I love their mother and that she loves me. That includes us spending time together without them. They’re just four and three and I think they get that. And they have no qualms with spending an evening or even a day or two with a grandparent, aunt/uncle or even a family friend. Mommy and Daddy always come back and we’re generally happier when we do get time to ourselves!

 

[chaunceygardner]

Absolutely, you must have sime time together without the kids. And, your kids will do well to spend time away from you. My wife and I took time from our children, ranging from a couple of days to two weeks. It was great for us and the kids liked it too. At the same time, we took many family trips as well. Our kids turned out great; appears that they didn’t need us hovering over them every second of every day.

I don’t think focusing on your marriage from time to time is selfish or takes away from the needs of the family. Your kids should not come to the conclusion that your entire lives are to be devoted only to raising them; that is not a good way to help them mature and become responsible, independent adults. Getting away together periodically may actually make family relationships better and stronger; your children should see that mom and dad are devoted to each other, and see the importance and value of a good marriage.

I could see a child whose parents devoted all their attention to them for decades perhaps thinking marriage is not such a great idea, and that they wouldn’t want to be tied down with kids for most of their life…like their parents were.

 

[Nimzovik]

That’s sad. Are you saying that you haven’t had a single romantic getaway with your wife for 18 years?

Romantic yes. Get away? No.

 

[Nimzovik]

Uh - so your wife and you never travel in a car together? You take separate cars even to the movies or to a restaurant? Most accidents occur within 5 miles of the home.

You’ve never considered even going one town away to a nice hotel for a night?

You don’t have ANY friends or family that would have been willing to take in your kid if you and your wife were to both die in a tragic accident? You don’t know anyone who would step up? I find it hard to believe your child’s godparents, your best friends, parents of your child’s friends or even distant cousins would not have have been willing to take in your child if the worst happened. I mean - that’s super weird. Letting an orphaned chid you know go into foster care?

Hopefully you have dealt with your anxiety issues and are now willing to treat your wife to all the back “pay” she’s owed!

No. It is not anxiety issues. It is cautious issues. The child has some medical issues - severe asthma, for one. That has gotten really dangerous upon several occasions. As I said we married late ( I am near 60)and there are no other** Catholic** relations. (ugh! Liberals!) Her wonderful God Parents have developed medical issues and are getting up in years as well. They have had to take in the children of their children. The soul of my child is of paramount importance to me/us. So as I said we are cautious. We love our child so much it is no burden. We mutually agree on this. She is the result of our love. So we love ourselves by loving the child. When we leave we just miss her. So what is the point? We are a *small *family.

We do drive to church together, however that is as a family. Everything else we do individually. Traffic accidents in our immediate vicinity are not that much a concern in my small town as high velocity is not requisite.

Has anyone here seen ‘The Earthling’ with William Holden? Then you might get my drift.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My wife and I have 5 kids ages 8 to 16. Needless to say they keep us extremely busy. We’re running to sports practices, scouts, etc most nights after I get home from work. That generally leaves us with very little time together. After almost 20 years we’ve been to Retrovaille and counseling and now TRY to get 2 hours out of the house together once a week. We’ve never even done this much without the kids for the past 16 years and I feel it kinda shows in our relationship. We’ve learned – or were told – by counselors that the marriage has to come first and that we need to make time to be together and reconnect once in a while.

I thought it might be helpful (as counselors have suggested) to get away together for a weekend – maybe even a long weekend – once in a while. Maybe only once a year. She says that NO ONE does that and the ONLY couple she knows that’s ever gone away together have the WORST marriage out of all her friends. At this point, I realize it may be too little, too late but I would still like to see if I’m way off base on this and the counselors are wrong or if people in good marriage actually DO get away and do things without the kids once in a while.

I realize, as you do, that it may be hard with 5 kids. But certainly not impossible. We went to Retrovaille weekend and they said we MUST stay at the hotel for the weekend and weren’t allowed to go home. We made arrangements for the kids and did it. So it’s not totally impossible. But is it just impractical or even a downright BAD idea??

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut

It’s never too little too late!!! It would have strengthened my marriage if we’d been able to actually get away for a weekend, maybe every 6 mos. But we had no family to leave them with and I couldn’t risk it with strangers. We did start going out on dates every Friday, once the boys were old enough to be by themselves for a couple of hours, and that was fun for us and fun for them. Our counselor suggested that and it stuck, the only thing we ever really got out of counseling.

Your wife’s friends are weird. We have such a child-hating, yet child-centered society, it’s totally bipolar. People center their lives on the kids, which isn’t healthy for them or the marriage. Keep up the couple-ship and you will be stronger for it. The kids will have fun without you and you’ll come back rested and with a sparkle in your eyes, and they won’t know why until later.

p.s. I picked 2 and 3, because when kids are little, it’s harder for Mom to leave them, and less relaxing. But yours are old enough to handle it just fine. And your wife should want to get away at times!

 

[Sillara]

Definitely! But I voted 3 because I never leave the nursing babies either.

However, our youngest is two, and we have had overnight getaways.

We also have the best marriage of anyone I know. It is to the point that some of our friends say that exposure to our relationship can almost be bad for them because they see what is possible, but know that they can never have because NOBODY gets the fairy-tale. Except us.

 

[jsimm]

Thanks for all your responses. At least it validated that what I was thinking wasn’t as ‘off the wall’ as I was told. She still won’t be agreeing to spend an overnight or whole day together, but at least I know I’m not totally out of place for wanting that.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

Thanks for all your responses. At least it validated that what I was thinking wasn’t as ‘off the wall’ as I was told. She still won’t be agreeing to spend an overnight or whole day together, but at least I know I’m not totally out of place for wanting that.

In your OP you said that you “try” to spend 2 hours/week together away from the kids… So jumping from that 2-hour block of time to a whole weekend is a big change, which could be part of the reluctance. I’d suggest building up to that.

As others have said, find a bit of time each day (15 min) or so that you can just be alone and reconnect. Before the kids are up, after they’re in bed, or with the older kids “in charge” for a few minutes. Your kids are old enough that they should be able to be self-sufficient for 15-30 minutes.

Set aside a date night (more than 2 hours – try for 3 or 4), with arrangements for someone to be watching the kids. Go to dinner. See a movie. Go hiking. Go to a museum. Find an activity that the two of you can enjoy together.

Build up the amount of time you spend together. After a few consistent date nights, perhaps your wife will be more willing to consider an entire weekend.

 

[jsimm]

In your OP you said that you “try” to spend 2 hours/week together away from the kids… So jumping from that 2-hour block of time to a whole weekend is a big change, which could be part of the reluctance. I’d suggest building up to that.

As others have said, find a bit of time each day (15 min) or so that you can just be alone and reconnect. Before the kids are up, after they’re in bed, or with the older kids “in charge” for a few minutes. Your kids are old enough that they should be able to be self-sufficient for 15-30 minutes.

Set aside a date night (more than 2 hours – try for 3 or 4), with arrangements for someone to be watching the kids. Go to dinner. See a movie. Go hiking. Go to a museum. Find an activity that the two of you can enjoy together.

Build up the amount of time you spend together. After a few consistent date nights, perhaps your wife will be more willing to consider an entire weekend.

Thanks Anastasia. We are pretty consistent with the weekly date night – usually out for a bite and drinks – maybe shopping, maybe grocery shopping, she says that counts too. As for 15 minutes. I’m told we get that pieced together throughout the day – a few minutes while I get dressed in the morning maybe, and here and there throughout the night. She says 15 minutes after work is impossible as she’s usually cooking and the kids are hungry and won’t want to wait. Of course if it’s an argument, we’ll find 2 hours to be alone to work through that.

Seeing a movie is not a possibility as the kids tend to call several times in the 2 hours or so that we’re out – and of course she must answer because, who knows, it might be an emergency. I tried to suggest just a DAY, a whole day doing something fun and return before bedtime. She said she never wanted to, has never had a desire to and doesn’t care to start now.

Really though, I realize it will never happen, I just wanted to see what other people thought and if I was being unreasonable since obviously I was told that NO ONE gets away when they have kids.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for all your responses. At least it validated that what I was thinking wasn’t as ‘off the wall’ as I was told. She still won’t be agreeing to spend an overnight or whole day together, but at least I know I’m not totally out of place for wanting that.

Be patient with her! Us mamas can start responding in the wrong way when our hubbies seem to be wanting to compete with the children for attention! Sometimes it can mean that we are, indeed, putting the children before our marriage, sometimes not. But if your wife is balking at overnights away, then, as several people have suggested, start gradually building up to it.

Also, once you do get away, try to limit the number of texts the kids send her, or her mind will constantly be back home which defeats the purpose. You need dependable help and the cooperation of your older children for this.

 

[mcc804]

I sympathize with both of you. You, because you feel the need to have alone time with the woman you married … and you believe this need SHOULD be fulfilled. Your wife on the other hand has a large family that she is committed to and feels responsible for. Every waking moment of her life is filled with their needs … all the details of the household, thinking about them, praying for them, scheduling appts and games.

As hard as this might be to understand from your perspective, if she’s anything like me, she finds this “work” unbelievably rewarding and fulfilling. Until I was a mother, I did not have a sense of my value as a human being. Being a girlfriend and a wife did not fulfill me in any but the most superficial ways, and even that was very shortlived.

I’ve observed with my H and in general, that most men are not enmeshed in their children’s lives. They love them, they do their duty…but they can just as easily leave and go on a business trip or out with their friends and “forget” i.e. not be worried or concerned in their wellbeing.

In our case, we had no one to care for the children. My H’s parents bolted and moved from our state to a new home 3,000 miles away. My mother died when the kids were babies and my father was mentally ill (he later committed suicide). My H’s siblings are non-practicing Catholics who believe in exposing their children to all the ills of the world to “toughen” them up.
My grandmother was /is very elderly and 10 years ago moved to be next door to my uncle also several thousand miles away from us.

There were no friends either either willing or able to do this for us.

So, we have been away exactly one night without the kids in 22 years of marriage. My H has traveled to the far corners of the earth for business without me (in those cases where spouses and “partners” were invited).

We’ve survived. I don’t really feel it’s that big of a deal. What did people in past centuries do? What did poor people do? I really think this “dating your spouse” thing is a gimmick in the modern age. I don’t think people were expected to have to date once they were married. Family life was the be all end all of their existence, not taking trips and eating out …bah.

Additionally, there’s no evidence this helps marriages to survive. My uncle and his second wife always did their date nights and got away on vacation … and the wife subsequently reconnected with an old high school boyfriend on Facebook and blew up the family.

Having said all of this … the main point is though, YOU have decided this matters to you and your wife is obligated to care about that, even if she personally doesn’t want or need to get away. Since you have a need that isn’t being met and you feel badly about it … .it would be wise for your wife to do something so that you won’t have an affair and break up the marriage.

She should be warned about this possibility so she’ll take it seriously.

Other than that, if you can hang in there and be grateful for the weekly dates, your kids will be grown up and gone before you know it and then you’ll have possibly decades of thinking only about yourselves as a couple.

 

[mcc804]

Personally, I don’t think this is an issue of being a good or bad idea. It’s a matter of what each spouse believes is important. You believe it is important, your wife does not. Your wife seems to be content with her life, you do not seem to be.

I concur with the other posters, try to understand her position. She’s content. She likes her life and if she’s anything like me she gets enormous satisfaction from being a mother of a large family. It gives her life meaning and purpose in a way that nothing else does. I have never done anything else in my life that meant as much to me than being a mother. I feel like I have a purpose. Maybe you have something like that in your own life: some talent or your work.

The fact that you have date nights regularly is a definite plus in your favor. My H and I have never had regular “date nights” and we haven’t been away from our children more than one night. My mother died when the children were babies, my father was mentally ill (he later committed suicide), my H’s parents movedf 3,000 miles away. My H’s siblings are non practicing Catholics who believe in exposing their children (and other people’s) to all the ills of the world to “toughen” them up. I have no siblings. And there have never been friends to call on either.

The bright side is that as the children get older and older and need your wife less and less … she’ll have to face up to the fact that her days of being useful and needed in their lives are coming to an end.

Then you’ll have her all to yourself…for possibly decades of maximum “couple time.”
Don’t lose hope yet. Nothing lasts forever, even parenting!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Personally, I don’t think this is an issue of being a good or bad idea. It’s a matter of what each spouse believes is important. You believe it is important, your wife does not. Your wife seems to be content with her life, you do not seem to be.

I concur with the other posters, try to understand her position. She’s content. She likes her life and if she’s anything like me she gets enormous satisfaction from being a mother of a large family. It gives her life meaning and purpose in a way that nothing else does. I have never done anything else in my life that meant as much to me than being a mother. I feel like I have a purpose. Maybe you have something like that in your own life: some talent or your work.

The fact that you have date nights regularly is a definite plus in your favor. My H and I have never had regular “date nights” and we haven’t been away from our children more than one night. My mother died when the children were babies, my father was mentally ill (he later committed suicide), my H’s parents movedf 3,000 miles away. My H’s siblings are non practicing Catholics who believe in exposing their children (and other people’s) to all the ills of the world to “toughen” them up. I have no siblings. And there have never been friends to call on either.

The bright side is that as the children get older and older and need your wife less and less …** she’ll have to face up to the fact that her days of being useful and needed in their lives are coming to an end. **

Then you’ll have her all to yourself…for possibly decades of maximum “couple time.”
Don’t lose hope yet. Nothing lasts forever, even parenting!

This could be VERY traumatic. If his wife is getting all of her satisfaction and self-esteem from being a mom, once she is made redundant, finally, there can be a lot of sadness and emptiness. It’s difficult to match the rewards of being a mother with anything else in life. That’s the way it’s been for me. I would advise women still having children to find SOMETHING they like to do, and keep up with it, all through the child-rearing years. Preferably something that can bring in income if necessary, but if not, at least a hobby or a pursuit that you can expand once the children leave. They leave a darned big hole behind when the last one walks about the door…



p.s. I liked what you said in your first response on this thread and was going to reply to it, only to see that it was gone!

 

[bluerose]

Thanks Anastasia. We are pretty consistent with the weekly date night – usually out for a bite and drinks – maybe shopping, maybe grocery shopping, she says that counts too. As for 15 minutes. I’m told we get that pieced together throughout the day – a few minutes while I get dressed in the morning maybe, and here and there throughout the night. She says 15 minutes after work is impossible as she’s usually cooking and the kids are hungry and won’t want to wait. Of course if it’s an argument, we’ll find 2 hours to be alone to work through that.

Seeing a movie is not a possibility as the kids tend to call several times in the 2 hours or so that we’re out – and of course she must answer because, who knows, it might be an emergency. I tried to suggest just a DAY, a whole day doing something fun and return before bedtime. She said she never wanted to, has never had a desire to and doesn’t care to start now.

Really though, I realize it will never happen, I just wanted to see what other people thought and if I was being unreasonable since obviously I was told that NO ONE gets away when they have kids.

Just out of curiosity, how many times has it actually been an emergency?

 

[jsimm]

Just out of curiosity, how many times has it actually been an emergency?

Oh come on, you know the answer to that! The biggest “emergency” was they couldn’t all agree on what to watch on tv! 80% of the time it’s “when will you be home?” then 20 minutes later, “when will you be home??”

 

[dshix]

Thanks Anastasia. We are pretty consistent with the weekly date night – usually out for a bite and drinks – maybe shopping, maybe grocery shopping, she says that counts too. As for 15 minutes. I’m told we get that pieced together throughout the day – a few minutes while I get dressed in the morning maybe, and here and there throughout the night. She says 15 minutes after work is impossible as she’s usually cooking and the kids are hungry and won’t want to wait. Of course if it’s an argument, we’ll find 2 hours to be alone to work through that.

Seeing a movie is not a possibility as the kids tend to call several times in the 2 hours or so that we’re out – and of course she must answer because, who knows, it might be an emergency. I tried to suggest just a DAY, a whole day doing something fun and return before bedtime. She said she never wanted to, has never had a desire to and doesn’t care to start now.

Really though, I realize it will never happen, I just wanted to see what other people thought and if I was being unreasonable since obviously I was told that NO ONE gets away when they have kids.

Here’s your solution to the calling from the kids.

Tell them beforehand that they MUST NOT call for anything but an emergency, and if they do call for anything but an emergency then they are grounded for a week. Always works.

(Of course you can adapt this to: no candy, no video games, no tv, no this or that for ___ amount of time, based on what the child really wants to not lose.)

 

[bluerose]

Oh come on, you know the answer to that! The biggest “emergency” was they couldn’t all agree on what to watch on tv! 80% of the time it’s “when will you be home?” then 20 minutes later, “when will you be home??”

My point exactly. When our son was old enough to be left home while my husband and I went out, he was told that emergency meant he’d better be on fire and he’d better stop, drop and roll before he picked up the phone.

Does your wife really believe the kids are insufficiently capable of getitng along without her (even at 16 I was able to cook a meal without adult supervision) or are the kids taking advantage of having Mom at their beck and call for every little thing? It seems to me that this is a set-up for your wife to have severe trauma when the kids leave the nest and she feels useless or that your kids will NEVER have the autonomy or independence to leave the nest and take care of themselves and their own families. Surely ground rules should be set and abided by whenever you leave the house. If the argument is about what to watch on TV, then settle it by saying “No TV” while you’re gone and assign chores to be done by the time you get home.

However, I’m getting the feeling that if the KIDS weren’t calling every twenty minutes, your WIFE would be calling THEM to make sure they were okay. In which case, I have nothing to offer except my prayers because your wife has chosen to put the kids ahead of you and can’t even give you 2 hours a week of her undivided attention… unless it’s an argument. That saddens me very much.