Do you ever start feeling like an adult?

[DarkLight]

You might feel like a kid again (and not in a good way) when
–you don’t feel up to the responsibilities placed on you
–you aren’t trusted to do your job without someone watching you every minute to be sure you get it right
–someone else starts making your decisions for you or you are otherwise stripped of decision-making or excluded from decision-making
–you realize you reacted when you ought to have responded
–your emotions go on a roller-coaster and you don’t know why
–you ought to have been responsible, but you took the easy way, instead
–you want to take care of yourself or someone else, but you can’t
–it is assumed that you aren’t capable of caring for yourself, acting reasonably without being forced to do it, or doing what needs to be done without being nagged about it
(Sometimes, it just takes practice at stepping up to the plate, doing your job, and taking both the successes and the failures to get past this, but sometimes you have to stick up for yourself. Sometimes, too, you have to realize that not even adults are infinitely independent.)

This is telling for me. I tend to feel like I have more responsibilities than I have time and energy (mostly energy) to take care of. But it all has to be done by myself, somehow.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is telling for me. I tend to feel like I have more responsibilities than I have time and energy (mostly energy) to take care of. But it all has to be done by myself, somehow.

*Again I found this vanity under the sun: a solitary man with no companion; with neither son nor brother. Yet there is no end to all his toil, and riches do not satisfy his greed. “For whom do I toil and deprive myself of good things?” This also is vanity and a worthless task.

Two are better than one: they get a good wage for their labor. If the one falls, the other will lift up his companion. Woe to the solitary man! For if he should fall, he has no one to lift him up. So also, if two sleep together, they keep each other warm. How can one alone keep warm? Where a lone man may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken. *

Eccl. 4:7-12

If you are thrust into a position of responsibility all alone or before your feel ready and without a mentor, it can make “adult” decision-making something that makes you uncomfortable just as a matter of course, even after you are very good at it. In an ideal world, a healthy adult position of responsibility is not always fun but it is something a sane adult would choose to do if he or she had it to choose all over again.

Look into finding yourself a mentor, someone older to confide in and who will help guide you, perhaps helping you to choose how to juggle just four balls instead of six. As Ed Hallowell put it in his book, Crazy Busy, it is very important to juggle the right number of balls, neither too few nor too many.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’m 26 and the only time I feel like an adult is when I work a double and my whole body hurts. Other than that, I can’t adult. I don’t even look like an adult (I still get ID’d for rated R movies) and I’m petite, so I still have to ask people to reach things for me and such. People also don’t take me seriously because “I’m so cute.” So I have this whole Napoleon complex thing. Ugh…I’ll gladly go back to making my bed and washing dishes…heck, I’ll even do all of my homework every night!

 

[DarkLight]

*Again I found this vanity under the sun: a solitary man with no companion; with neither son nor brother. Yet there is no end to all his toil, and riches do not satisfy his greed. “For whom do I toil and deprive myself of good things?” This also is vanity and a worthless task.

Two are better than one: they get a good wage for their labor. If the one falls, the other will lift up his companion. Woe to the solitary man! For if he should fall, he has no one to lift him up. So also, if two sleep together, they keep each other warm. How can one alone keep warm? Where a lone man may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken. *

Eccl. 4:7-12

If you are thrust into a position of responsibility all alone or before your feel ready and without a mentor, it can make “adult” decision-making something that makes you uncomfortable just as a matter of course, even after you are very good at it. In an ideal world, a healthy adult position of responsibility is not always fun but it is something a sane adult would choose to do if he or she had it to choose all over again.

Look into finding yourself a mentor, someone older to confide in and who will help guide you, perhaps helping you to choose how to juggle just four balls instead of six. As Ed Hallowell put it in his book, Crazy Busy, it is very important to juggle the right number of balls, neither too few nor too many.

Honestly I feel like I got thrust into more adult responsibility than most adults early on. I’ve been battling PTSD since I was 19 or 20. Not always well, and sometimes a lot of “adult” responsibilities didn’t get done, because how are you supposed to handle your responsibilities when it’s taking all your energy to breathe? Which of course leaves messes to clean up when things are going well. And of course my sin of being a domestic violence victim means I got no support from anyone I grew up with.

You’d think that would make me feel more adult, rather than less…

 

[Potter]

I felt like an adult when I received a Jury Summons. Granted, I hold that civic duty in higher esteem than most people.

 

[Rhubarb]

I just turned 31 this year. I don’t go “yeah, I’m an adult” now. I still get afraid of things, like bills and new changes. I watch cartoons and curse as much as I did when I was 10. I snickered every time my professor said the phrase “moral duty” and also when my grandmother wants “Oscer Mayer Wieners” for dinner.

Certain things make me feel adult though. Writing a check, not being asked for my ID at a bar or liquor store, when I’m not so excited for Christmas morning that I’m shaking, etc.

Also I’ve noticed several things I can’t do anymore - drink sugared soda. Too sweet! Stay up all night playing video games without sleep, going out in the cold in shorts and a t-shirt, etc.

 

[Ms_Manners]

32, married, two dogs, five cats, household, and now pregnant.
Still amazed I pull it off day after day, because I feel like such a kid, I have a fetish for cleaning supplies, kitchen stuff and SpongeBob stickers.
I am at home now, but at work I always feel so weird, especially when the dress code is formal.

 

[Xantippe]

You’re going to have a kid.

You can hold on to the Sponge Bob for easily the next 18 years and nobody will be the wiser.

32, married, two dogs, five cats, household, and now pregnant.
Still amazed I pull it off day after day, because I feel like such a kid, I have a fetish for cleaning supplies, kitchen stuff and SpongeBob stickers.
I am at home now, but at work I always feel so weird, especially when the dress code is formal.

 

[Ms_Manners]

I know, he/she already has some really fun stuff that we actually would have bought even if we weren’t expecting.

 

[EasterJoy]

Honestly I feel like I got thrust into more adult responsibility than most adults early on. I’ve been battling PTSD since I was 19 or 20. Not always well, and sometimes a lot of “adult” responsibilities didn’t get done, because how are you supposed to handle your responsibilities when it’s taking all your energy to breathe? Which of course leaves messes to clean up when things are going well. And of course my sin of being a domestic violence victim means I got no support from anyone I grew up with.

You’d think that would make me feel more adult, rather than less…

It does not work that way. If you make a colt work like a horse, the animal will be less sound later in life, not more.

Who do you have for a mentor that you consider a wise adult? You need someone to debrief with, you need someone who can help you sort out when you are overloaded and when you’re giving yourself a pass you don’t deserve, and you need someone to help you put supports in place for the real possibility that your capacity is going to fluctuate a little more than is typical for someone your age.

Having a bad past is like having a trick knee or a bad elbow. It doesn’t incapacitate you, but it does mean you have to have better skills at listening to your body than someone without that kind of chronic injury usually does. Get that help. It is not optional.

 

[Allegra]

I felt like an adult fairly early in life. My parents were pretty hands off past early childhood, expected me to take care of myself other than basic room and board during high school, and I was completely on my own during college and thereafter. I left home at 18 with a plan to attend school while paying my own rent and expenses. I worked 40+ hours a week. I already did my own taxes, FAFSA, and bank accounts prior to high school graduation. (Back then you could get a checking account by yourself prior to 18) I knew how to cook, clean, sew, and manage an impoverished household. Despite the fact that most people seem to consider my mother to be a sadistic monster because she didn’t wipe my fanny until I was 25, I don’t really feel slighted that I was taught to take care of myself early on, however, it did make it difficult at times to relate to my peers socially.

 

[EasterJoy]

I felt like an adult fairly early in life. My parents were pretty hands off past early childhood, expected me to take care of myself other than basic room and board during high school, and I was completely on my own during college and thereafter. I left home at 18 with a plan to attend school while paying my own rent and expenses. I worked 40+ hours a week. I already did my own taxes, FAFSA, and bank accounts prior to high school graduation. (Back then you could get a checking account by yourself prior to 18) I knew how to cook, clean, sew, and manage an impoverished household. Despite the fact that most people seem to consider my mother to be a sadistic monster because she didn’t wipe my fanny until I was 25, I don’t really feel slighted that I was taught to take care of myself early on, however, it did make it difficult at times to relate to my peers socially.

When you give your child the responsibilities that they’re capable of handling and the skills that they are up to using, that is a great gift. When you give them responsibilities beyond what they are ready to handle or don’t support them when something overwhelms their skill level or confidence level, that is worse than not giving them any responsibility at all.

We have to be careful, too, that we let our children know why we’re giving them the level of responsibility that we do and that we monitor how they are doing with what they’ve been given. Even when circumstance puts more on a child than would be ideal, it makes so much difference that the child knows someone is looking out for her welfare through it all.

The elder son in the story of the Prodigal Son thought he was being used by his father. Seriously, though–why would a man with plenty of servants have made his sons work at all? Surely he did it so that they could become like him by doing his work. When you teach your children to be more responsible than their peers, sometimes they can see the logic and grow to thank you for it. Sometimes, though, you need to reassure them that you didn’t teach them to swim so that you wouldn’t have to take them in the water yourself. You teach your kids to swim and expect them to improve their swimming so they can gain a skill that will give them both independence and safety.

The OP, in contrast, is describing a situation where she has felt as if she were just thrown into the deep end of the pool, which has not given her any great love of the water. That is too much responsibility and not enough feeling of being supported when it gets to be too much.

 

[Allegra]

When you give your child the responsibilities that they’re capable of handling and the skills that they are up to using, that is a great gift. When you give them responsibilities beyond what they are ready to handle or don’t support them when something overwhelms their skill level or confidence level, that is worse than not giving them any responsibility at all.

We have to be careful, too, that we let our children know why we’re giving them the level of responsibility that we do and that we monitor how they are doing with what they’ve been given. Even when circumstance puts more on a child than would be ideal, it makes so much difference that the child knows someone is looking out for her welfare through it all.

The elder son in the story of the Prodigal Son thought he was being used by his father. Seriously, though–why would a man with plenty of servants have made his sons work at all? Surely he did it so that they could become like him by doing his work. When you teach your children to be more responsible than their peers, sometimes they can see the logic and grow to thank you for it. Sometimes, though, you need to reassure them that you didn’t teach them to swim so that you wouldn’t have to take them in the water yourself. You teach your kids to swim and expect them to improve their swimming so they can gain a skill that will give them both independence and safety.

The OP, in contrast, is describing a situation where she has felt as if she were just thrown into the deep end of the pool, which has not given her any great love of the water. That is too much responsibility and not enough feeling of being supported when it gets to be too much.

That’s true. My parents did teach us to do things and then expected us to do them. They didn’t do things for us and then just dump us. That is sort of what they did for my youngest brother. They got tired, self-centered, and lazy and he was excessively stubborn and spoiled and it was easier to do everything for him than make him do anything for himself. As a result, he’s had a lot harder time adjusting to adult life and he’s had difficulties with accepting that his actions or inactions have consequences that he can’t argue away. This has led to legal trouble that’s going to make normal adulthood practically impossible for at least the next six years or so, and I fear is isn’t done getting into trouble yet.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s true. My parents did teach us to do things and then expected us to do them. They didn’t do things for us and then just dump us. That is sort of what they did for my youngest brother. They got tired, self-centered, and lazy and he was excessively stubborn and spoiled and it was easier to do everything for him than make him do anything for himself. As a result, he’s had a lot harder time adjusting to adult life and he’s had difficulties with accepting that his actions or inactions have consequences that he can’t argue away. This has led to legal trouble that’s going to make normal adulthood practically impossible for at least the next six years or so, and I fear is isn’t done getting into trouble yet.

You could be exactly right, but it is also true that different siblings have different temperaments. Parenting is not a one-method-works-for-all enterprise. Sometimes the oldest doesn’t want to do anything and the next one is the “angel” that the older one resents because the younger just jumps in and does things. Then the older goes on to have problems that the younger one doesn’t, because the younger one is just temperamentally more suited to the demands of adulthood. It does happen. It is not at all uncommon for a couple to think they have this parenting thing down, only to find that they’ve been lucky to have kids who are a good fit for their teaching methods. Then the child who doesn’t fit very well comes along, and it takes them down a peg.

Adult children of alcoholics also take on different sorts of damage from the lack of parental accountability. Some children becoming irresponsible themselves, some become hyper-responsible, and some find a way to learn a balanced outlook towards responsibility in spite of the problems in their childhood.

 

[DarkLight]

It does not work that way. If you make a colt work like a horse, the animal will be less sound later in life, not more.

Who do you have for a mentor that you consider a wise adult? You need someone to debrief with, you need someone who can help you sort out when you are overloaded and when you’re giving yourself a pass you don’t deserve, and you need someone to help you put supports in place for the real possibility that your capacity is going to fluctuate a little more than is typical for someone your age.

Having a bad past is like having a trick knee or a bad elbow. It doesn’t incapacitate you, but it does mean you have to have better skills at listening to your body than someone without that kind of chronic injury usually does. Get that help. It is not optional.

I don’t really have the opportunity where I am to build that sort of relationship. I’d like to, but it would involve access to transportation that I don’t have.

 

[Allegra]

You could be exactly right, but it is also true that different siblings have different temperaments. Parenting is not a one-method-works-for-all enterprise. Sometimes the oldest doesn’t want to do anything and the next one is the “angel” that the older one resents because the younger just jumps in and does things. Then the older goes on to have problems that the younger one doesn’t, because the younger one is just temperamentally more suited to the demands of adulthood. It does happen. It is not at all uncommon for a couple to think they have this parenting thing down, only to find that they’ve been lucky to have kids who are a good fit for their teaching methods. Then the child who doesn’t fit very well comes along, and it takes them down a peg.

Adult children of alcoholics also take on different sorts of damage from the lack of parental accountability. Some children becoming irresponsible themselves, some become hyper-responsible, and some find a way to learn a balanced outlook towards responsibility in spite of the problems in their childhood.

I have six siblings. My youngest brother got a completely different upbringing then the rest of us. The next youngest is eight years older and she had a really wicked temperament as a child, but they still held her to standards and she turned out all right. By the time my youngest brother came along, they just didn’t care anymore. They both have chronic depression and they were dealing with marital problems at the time. They bought him video games and cable and left him in his room to rot. He had a really nice temperament as a young child and did fairly well in elementary school, but as the rest of us grew up and moved out and our parents basically shut down, he was pretty much given whatever he wanted to keep him quiet. It’s really sad. My parents realize this is what happened with him, and they are trying to be supportive now, but at this point it’s more like enabling. All three of them see a counselor that sorts out what behaviors are appropriate support and what is enabling.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t really have the opportunity where I am to build that sort of relationship. I’d like to, but it would involve access to transportation that I don’t have.

If you get the opportunity to go on a CHRP retreat at your parish, I highly recommend you jump at the chance. I think it will help you with your isolation and making friends with other Catholics and building a Church family.

 

[DarkLight]

If you get the opportunity to go on a CHRP retreat at your parish, I highly recommend you jump at the chance. I think it will help you with your isolation and making friends with other Catholics and building a Church family.

Most retreats cost money - even if the retreat itself is free, there’s money for transportation, plus lost wages.

 

[Allegra]

Most retreats cost money - even if the retreat itself is free, there’s money for transportation, plus lost wages.

CHRP retreats don’t cost anything. They go from Saturday morning to Sunday at dinner time, and I guarantee someone would pick you up.

 

[Kelfa28]

YES.

The actual pregnancy, delivery, birth, parenting? Nah.

For me, it’s the paperwork (and accompanying phone calls etc.) Having a file cabinet with these things I have to keep track of. It didn’t bug me so much when it was just DH and I and our stuff (car registrations, income taxes, etc), but oh boy did that paperwork start piling up once kids came onto the scene…

…though buying a house did too. That’s a paperwork crazy fest.

And that we occasionally have conversations like, “Well, what do you want to do this weekend?”

“The grass is getting pretty long, and there was water in the basement the last time it rained, so I better check the gutters too.”

Very different than the conversations a few years ago!

I don’t know what it is about paper work…but, yeah…anything that involves lots of phone calls and paperwork makes me feel responsible and “adult like” by default.

Having to file stuff, having to fill out FAFSA forms on my own and having to find our old tax returns to do so.

Yes, hubby and I have conversations about our weekends too…similar to yours. We are so boring!

Me: “What are we doing this weekend?”
Him: “I have to mow the lawn and do some weeding”
Me: “When do you get paid again and what is our budget? I have to pick up stuff for the baby.”
Him: “Well, the mortgage is paid so it won’t be so tight with spending cash…pick up what we
need. I should be paid by Tuesday.”

Other things that make me feel more like an “adult” include:

-Figuring out life insurance policies and picking one out.
-Actually knowing what an IRA is and being genuinely concerned about it.
-Having a “tax guy” and a folder with “tax stuff” in it.
-Doing research on college accounts for the kids and getting a plan for that established.

For me…I could act like an adult but still not feel like one. It wasn’t until hubby and I settled down and started making plans for our future and our kid’s future and implementing these plans…that feeling like an adult started kicking in.